Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[screamqueen]

For those who ‘officially’ cut contact with their narc parents; did you give them a heads up or a reason or did you just stop talking to them one day?

I haven’t spoken to mine since April after she sent my siblings and I a crappy message about how she was embarrassed by us as we ‘hadn’t don’t anything’ to help her, etc, when she was having chemo. Completely disregarded the fact we offered to visit, she never got back to us, had things she needed shipped next day to her (baring in mind she’d just message saying “I need this!”) without even questioning, we just did it. Helped her as much as we could and she threw it in our face. I know she can be forgiven for going through treatment clouding her judgement, but it was just standard behaviour for her, the message from her was just the final straw for me.

Anyway, I heard from a sibling she’s asked why I’m not speaking to her and they’ve told her she should know why and she’s still playing the victim. I was also paying a number of her bills for her and have since cut those off.
She then just sends a FB link to our family chat last week, no commentary with it, and on clicking it’s some bs post along the lines of “all a mother wants from her children are priceless, a hug, a call, the words ‘I love you mamma’” and it just pissed me off so much.

I used to call her mama, so feel it was a way to try and make me feel bad and get in touch but I’m not doing it.

she also has sisters who usually always reply to my stuff on social to keep in touch and have had no contact from either since about April too, so looks like she’s using her narc superpowers on them too.

anyway, I’m rambling. How did those of you who cut contact do it, I know it won’t be easy but I also don’t want to have to explain to her why. She’s had severe narc tendencies throughout my whole life that I’ve never pulled her up on, and part of me feels that maybe I should tell her, but also, why should I have to do that? She never considered me when behaving that way.

eugh.

 

[HitnMiss]

I haven't given my nm a reason why. I had to take my brother (ugh I dislike having to refer to him as my brother) to court because he transferred all her money to his account. Something a power of attorney should definitely not do! Anyway, she's angry with me for calling him out! I haven't bothered explaining anything. There's no point.

You don't owe anyone an explanation.

 

[lorenzo_vee]

For those who ‘officially’ cut contact with their narc parents; did you give them a heads up or a reason or did you just stop talking to them one day?

I haven’t spoken to mine since April after she sent my siblings and I a crappy message about how she was embarrassed by us as we ‘hadn’t don’t anything’ to help her, etc, when she was having chemo. Completely disregarded the fact we offered to visit, she never got back to us, had things she needed shipped next day to her (baring in mind she’d just message saying “I need this!”) without even questioning, we just did it. Helped her as much as we could and she threw it in our face. I know she can be forgiven for going through treatment clouding her judgement, but it was just standard behaviour for her, the message from her was just the final straw for me.

Anyway, I heard from a sibling she’s asked why I’m not speaking to her and they’ve told her she should know why and she’s still playing the victim. I was also paying a number of her bills for her and have since cut those off.
She then just sends a FB link to our family chat last week, no commentary with it, and on clicking it’s some bs post along the lines of “all a mother wants from her children are priceless, a hug, a call, the words ‘I love you mamma’” and it just pissed me off so much.

I used to call her mama, so feel it was a way to try and make me feel bad and get in touch but I’m not doing it.

she also has sisters who usually always reply to my stuff on social to keep in touch and have had no contact from either since about April too, so looks like she’s using her narc superpowers on them too.

anyway, I’m rambling. How did those of you who cut contact do it, I know it won’t be easy but I also don’t want to have to explain to her why. She’s had severe narc tendencies throughout my whole life that I’ve never pulled her up on, and part of me feels that maybe I should tell her, but also, why should I have to do that? She never considered me when behaving that way.

eugh.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

I cut my narc mum out of my life in May and haven't spoken to her or any of my family members since. I didn't give her an explanation, just literally blocked her from being able to communicate with me on everything. I just got fed up of being the scapegoat child, of trying to process years of abuse while still having the person who caused the abuse being a large part of my life.

You don't owe yours an explanation either: in fact, taking the time to carefully draft an explanation would just be giving her one last load of narc supply from you, because if she's anything like my mum she won't actually care about what she's done wrong or what feelings she's hurt.

You deserve better. Good luck, I hope you're able to break away and heal

 

[screamqueen]

I haven't given my nm a reason why. I had to take my brother (ugh I dislike having to refer to him as my brother) to court because he transferred all her money to his account. Something a power of attorney should definitely not do! Anyway, she's angry with me for calling him out! I haven't bothered explaining anything. There's no point.

You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I can’t even imagine the pain that must be causing - sending lots of love

and Thankyou for confirming I don’t owe anyone an explanation, you’re absolutely right.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

I cut my narc mum out of my life in May and haven't spoken to her or any of my family members since. I didn't give her an explanation, just literally blocked her from being able to communicate with me on everything. I just got fed up of being the scapegoat child, of trying to process years of abuse while still having the person who caused the abuse being a large part of my life.

You don't owe yours an explanation either: in fact, taking the time to carefully draft an explanation would just be giving her one last load of narc supply from you, because if she's anything like my mum she won't actually care about what she's done wrong or what feelings she's hurt.

You deserve better. Good luck, I hope you're able to break away and heal

Thankyou so much and so sorry to hear you’re dealing with an nm too

it’s so tricky as I didn’t have any problem with her sisters, but clearly they’ve sided with her on all of this so not sure it’s worth my time. My siblings still have contact with our nm, and we’re very close so will be glad to still keep contact with them.

I think your point about an explanation is also so true - I don’t owe her this and if she can’t see how she has behaved after all this time then it’s really not for me to explain it to her.

NM and my dad are no longer together and he remarried and has interestingly changed his tune with it all. Usually he’d asked when I speak to him if I’ve spoken to nm and when I say no/not in a while he’s give me the whole “you should, you never know what’s around the corner” etc. but I spoke to him the other day and gave him a loose overview of what had happened and he laughed and seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and hasn’t asked again if I’ve spoken to her; so I feel there’s probably a lot to learn from my dad about her that he’s never told me about.

But Thankyou again for your message, it’s sad but also a comfort that we’re not alone with these relationships and I hope you’re doing okay now you’ve cut ties with your nm. Sending lots of love

 

[Mardymermaid]

Ive not spoken to mine in over a month blocked and honestly it was the best decision. Im not perfect with my kids but I do everything can to be the complete opposite of my mother.

 

[screamqueen]

Ive not spoken to mine in over a month blocked and honestly it was the best decision. Im not perfect with my kids but I do everything can to be the complete opposite of my mother.

So pleased to hear it’s working for you cutting off the contact, and hope you’re doing okay
Your kids sound very lucky to have you x

 

[fnddlsoxnz]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

I cut my narc mum out of my life in May and haven't spoken to her or any of my family members since. I didn't give her an explanation, just literally blocked her from being able to communicate with me on everything. I just got fed up of being the scapegoat child, of trying to process years of abuse while still having the person who caused the abuse being a large part of my life.

You don't owe yours an explanation either: in fact, taking the time to carefully draft an explanation would just be giving her one last load of narc supply from you, because if she's anything like my mum she won't actually care about what she's done wrong or what feelings she's hurt.

Feel like I could of wrote this myself

 

[lorenzo_vee]

Feel like I could of wrote this myself

I'm sorry you've had to go through the same thing. We both deserve better

 

[freezelouise43]

Hi, I’m looking for a bit of perspective/ advice. I don’t have the greatest relationship with my mom but lately it’s broken down completely. I will start by saying she’s not been a bad mom, she’s done a lot for me. I have recently acquired another dog, so she used to look after my first dog and I dogsat a second puppy for her owner (I was thinking of having her anyhow) whilst she was on holiday and when the time came to return her we both agreed I just couldn’t, we had fallen in love. Now my mom has already happily agreed to have them both whilst I’m at my partners (only twice a month) as he doesn’t like animals. The thing with my mom is she’s very negative. I’ve taken a second job to afford the puppy and all she’s doing id criticising me now; saying I’ve taken on too much etc, rather than seeing how well I’m juggling everything.
Whilst she’s agreed to look after my babies she’s making passive aggressive comments that none of her friends children would put on their parents like this, I only bother with her because I need her etc. she broke her wrist in august and I moved in with her to help her, and today we had a terrible row where she screamed at me that I only moved in as it suited me to work from hers etc. I’m so upset and at my wits end. I feel like no matter what I do it’s never the right decision I make :/ I don’t have any children, I’m 43 for context. Xx

 

[Black.bird]

Another year of month-long birthdays and other celebrations, another year of my narc mother faking illness to shift the attention back to her.

Like clockwork, as soon as people start talking with my mother about their plans - where they're going or where they've been, how happy they are - she turns on the drama. This occurs whether she has been invited or not - she just has to have the attention on her. Today, she called around several people until she got hold of my uncle who dropped everything and took her to A&E; wait times are long, very long, but because she said she had chest pain they rushed her through ... to find nothing wrong. Nothing whatsoever. One of my cousins - who only came around to spotting my mother's tendencies recently (before, I was pretty much riding solo!), arrived to take over and said she witnessed with her own eyes that "duper's delight" look. Isn't that awful?! My cousin has tried telling her dad what she is like but he shuts her down.

There is nothing wrong with my mother - there never is - all throughout my childhood she claimed to have high blood pressure for which she allegedly took medication - later in life, she told me I was imagining that.

 

[HitnMiss]

Typical narc behaviour. I'm glad your cousin is seeing it too. I sometimes questioned myself and wondered if I'd misunderstood but I see it clearly now!

Are you in contact with her?

I recently heard of a psychotherapist on YouTube called Ross Rosenberg and I've found his videos helpful.

 

[Black.bird]

Typical narc behaviour. I'm glad your cousin is seeing it too. I sometimes questioned myself and wondered if I'd misunderstood but I see it clearly now!

Are you in contact with her?

I recently heard of a psychotherapist on YouTube called Ross Rosenberg and I've found his videos helpful.

Very limited contact, and I always grey rock with her.

 

[Good Egg]

Hi, I’m looking for a bit of perspective/ advice. I don’t have the greatest relationship with my mom but lately it’s broken down completely. I will start by saying she’s not been a bad mom, she’s done a lot for me. I have recently acquired another dog, so she used to look after my first dog and I dogsat a second puppy for her owner (I was thinking of having her anyhow) whilst she was on holiday and when the time came to return her we both agreed I just couldn’t, we had fallen in love. Now my mom has already happily agreed to have them both whilst I’m at my partners (only twice a month) as he doesn’t like animals. The thing with my mom is she’s very negative. I’ve taken a second job to afford the puppy and all she’s doing id criticising me now; saying I’ve taken on too much etc, rather than seeing how well I’m juggling everything.
Whilst she’s agreed to look after my babies she’s making passive aggressive comments that none of her friends children would put on their parents like this, I only bother with her because I need her etc. she broke her wrist in august and I moved in with her to help her, and today we had a terrible row where she screamed at me that I only moved in as it suited me to work from hers etc. I’m so upset and at my wits end. I feel like no matter what I do it’s never the right decision I make :/ I don’t have any children, I’m 43 for context. Xx

It’s always “I’ve done so much for you” like you are forever indebted because they say they’ve helped you out so you owe them a favour for the rest of your life. It’s also odd how they remember instances from five, ten even twenty years ago and even though you can be forever grateful it’s always, most certainly a high price to pay for there ‘help’

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

It’s always “I’ve done so much for you” like you are forever indebted because they say they’ve helped you out so you owe them a favour for the rest of your life. It’s also odd how they remember instances from five, ten even twenty years ago and even though you can be forever grateful it’s always, most certainly a high price to pay for there ‘help’

I greatly relate to this which is why I've gone no contact. Grateful that your parents did the barest minimum and provided for you in your childhood? Jesus Christ almighty.

 

[Eureka]

It’s always “I’ve done so much for you” like you are forever indebted because they say they’ve helped you out so you owe them a favour for the rest of your life. It’s also odd how they remember instances from five, ten even twenty years ago and even though you can be forever grateful it’s always, most certainly a high price to pay for there ‘help’

I get this from the extended family. My parent couldn't give a tit about me but it hasn't stopped her family being offended on her behalf. One of my uncles has recently tracked down my daughter on FB and sent her a rant about what a selfish bleep I am and asking her to intervene. I'm horrified that he would do such a thing. To her credit she says she enjoyed telling him where to go but its really upset me. I always feel I'm doing well and then someone comes along and upsets it.

 

[Silverback]

Hey friends.

Been thinking about posting here for a long time. I have no contact with my mother now, havent for years. Sometimes she cared, sometimes she didn’t. It left me hanging by a thread. When she didn’t care she REALLY didn’t care. Watched me get verbally abused and bullied by her boyfriend for years on end. Watched him when he was violent to me. Made excuses for him. Didn’t want to know when I was suicidal because of the above.

She’s long gone from my life but every day I still feel like she is judging me. I constantly ask myself is my house good enough? What would she think? Would she think my garden needs improving?

Does my bleeping head in.

I have PTSD because of my childhood.I get nightmares and flashbacks. Sometimes I consider contacting the police about the most violent incident but it was 30 years ago and I doubt they’d do anything.

 

[reCAPTCHA]

Hey friends.

Been thinking about posting here for a long time. I have no contact with my mother now, havent for years. Sometimes she cared, sometimes she didn’t. It left me hanging by a thread. When she didn’t care she REALLY didn’t care. Watched me get verbally abused and bullied by her boyfriend for years on end. Watched him when he was violent to me. Made excuses for him. Didn’t want to know when I was suicidal because of the above.

She’s long gone from my life but every day I still feel like she is judging me. I constantly ask myself is my house good enough? What would she think? Would she think my garden needs improving?

Does my bleeping head in.

I have PTSD because of my childhood.I get nightmares and flashbacks. Sometimes I consider contacting the police about the most violent incident but it was 30 years ago and I doubt they’d do anything.

Have you considered counselling or CBT? Might help with your thought patterns around the childhood trauma.

For me, no matter how many years I haven’t interacted with my Mother, her dismissive and cruel words still hang around my head and I have to actively (inwardly ) tell her to duck OFF!! I am 42 and still have issues around self-worth and self-esteem because nothing I ever did was good enough for her. My ‘inner voice’ was simply a clone of her horrible negative chatter for so many years, but over time I have actively cultivated my own and it‘s so much gentler. When I was younger I would cringe at any practice that encouraged me to say nice things about myself (even in my own head!) but now I can honestly say that she had no place making me feel the way she did and that I don’t value ANYTHING that she does anyway so

Ask yourself this? In what way is she a role model for you? What is it about her that you admire? What qualities of hers do you want to emulate? Anything? Thought not. In that case be proud of all the things that YOU value and tell yourself over and over !

It’s hard, but I can honestly say that daily affirmations (I know..,.sounds wanky…is actually hugely helpful imo), counselling (12 months in my early twenties was sufficient for me) and a supportive encouraging partner have been my saviour.

Also, donn’t be afraid to get angry….only in your head mind…lol…but yanno….it took me until I was about 38 but now I can happily tell anyone who asks that whilst my Mother gave me all the material things I needed, she was also very emotionally abusive and wasn’t interested in me as an individual at all. I have a healthy disdain for her these days….like a “duck you, you’ll NEVER have access to me, but thanks for being a massive bleep and showing me how not to be a caring Mum ”. It’s a healthy dislike I promise…I’m not a madwoman! I am proud that I broke free from her, even if it did take me until after I had my own children to realise that I couldn’t bear to watch the cycle continue (she took a dislike to one of my kids and started to play the siblings off against each other….I was like “Nah, you ain’t repeating this shite with my kids.”)

 

[Good Egg]

I just feel alone. Painfully alone.
I’m low contact but the damage has been done. I also have low self esteem and confidence.
Best thing you can do OP is see if you can get some therapy to work through any trauma before it all gets too much.
And surround yourself with people who build you up and love you for you. Good luck x

 

[Definitely Maybe]

I'm sure it's been mentioned before in this thread, but I highly recommend Dr Ramani on youtube, she is an expert on NPD

 

[Slaybutter]

My parents behave selfishly each year around their shared birthday. It’s like an awful solar event. I thought I was out the other end of it but tonight my mother made a big deal out of my grandad’s caretakers birthday which is next week as if my own birthday isn’t the same time. What bothered me the most is that my mother can’t get down what my dietary restrictions are but she can remember that the other woman cannot have gluten which my mother ignores when it comes to me. She brought bread to my apartment a few weeks ago. My mother is getting the aide a gluten free cake and asked me for a name of a GF bakery in my mother’s city. Not one mention of my own birthday!! My mother is unbelievable.