thank you
I really hope so too!
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I really hope so too!Thank you lovely that's so sweet of you.
As expected end of the week, no contact from so called friend, I'm a twit for thinking she would, she's let me down so much over the years I've given up now!
Still waiting to hear if my old man has died, I've been hearing this tit for months, just contact us when he's dead.
My mum has died today - I cared for her for many years, but was a total narcissit with controlling to mental and emotional abuse. Not sure how I feel about things.
Take it bit by bit and day by day. Do you have any support in real life, or a therapist? You’re likely to have very muddled feelings- be gentle with yourself and take all the time you need.
sorry to hear about your mum, I can only imagine the rollercoaster of emotions. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people or vent on here x
Brothers - but not that big on support...I was the one that was there in the end.
Appreciated
just haunted by seeing her die, but also numb it's finally over and noone can hurt me like that again.
Sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself and know you did the right thing by her.
Oh gosh my mum’s never worked a professional job and I get tirades of text abuse in the morning
she doesn’t get positive affirmations for the work day when you’re trying to be a sophisticated professional person.. 
I’m so disappointed in my mum.
She never had any interest in anything to do with me growing up but would make a huge fuss over anything to do with my brothers. If i’m talking about something to do with myself, she’ll respond with something about herself that is completely unrelated.
When I would go out with friends as a teen she would never ask how my outing was but instead be annoyed that I was out.
Getting married she made that whole period so unnecessary stressful for me and now husband and only cared about what her friends would think of the wedding. My wedding was in another city so I had booked a hotel for us both the night before so we could travel down and get ready together etc. She then refused to come down with me and I had to take my wedding dress down on the train etc. She had no interest in the wedding prep, dress shopping or any of it. Times like this a girl really needs her mum…
When I had a baby she came down to visit but made the the time a nightmare. I had to stay in hospital with the baby for a few days after the birth. She kept calling and was annoyed with me about having to be kept in and how none of her friends daughters had to go through this. Also how I should have just got a C-section instead. She was in a rotten mood the whole visit. I was hoping she would stay and help out but she only came as its a cultural thing that the mum stays with her daughter and help out until you’re back to full health. She left 3 days after I was discharged and kept saying she wishes she was leaving sooner. She only came so that in front of her friends she can say that she did and pretended she was still visiting long after she had returned back home.
It’s either I call or visit or she never does. I am expected to make the effort with a young baby and travel +4hrs. I invited her down in December but she says it’ll be too cold to travel.
I have 2 brothers and they are seen as infallible in her eyes.
Is this narc behaviour? I’ve never thought about it like that.
She never had any interest in anything to do with me growing up but would make a huge fuss over anything to do with my brothers. If i’m talking about something to do with myself, she’ll respond with something about herself that is completely unrelated.
When I would go out with friends as a teen she would never ask how my outing was but instead be annoyed that I was out.
Getting married she made that whole period so unnecessary stressful for me and now husband and only cared about what her friends would think of the wedding. My wedding was in another city so I had booked a hotel for us both the night before so we could travel down and get ready together etc. She then refused to come down with me and I had to take my wedding dress down on the train etc. She had no interest in the wedding prep, dress shopping or any of it. Times like this a girl really needs her mum…
When I had a baby she came down to visit but made the the time a nightmare. I had to stay in hospital with the baby for a few days after the birth. She kept calling and was annoyed with me about having to be kept in and how none of her friends daughters had to go through this. Also how I should have just got a C-section instead. She was in a rotten mood the whole visit. I was hoping she would stay and help out but she only came as its a cultural thing that the mum stays with her daughter and help out until you’re back to full health. She left 3 days after I was discharged and kept saying she wishes she was leaving sooner. She only came so that in front of her friends she can say that she did and pretended she was still visiting long after she had returned back home.
It’s either I call or visit or she never does. I am expected to make the effort with a young baby and travel +4hrs. I invited her down in December but she says it’ll be too cold to travel.
I have 2 brothers and they are seen as infallible in her eyes.
Is this narc behaviour? I’ve never thought about it like that.
Most definitely. Sounds like she sees you as a threat, but also possibly for cultural reasons as well boys are everything and girls are an inconvenience? I know my mothers side of the family, they come from a culture where if there was anything to inherit, it would almost automatically go just to the male heir. That culture and attitude was definitely visible in my childhood, my brother was the Golden Child and I was the Scapegoat.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories here. It really means a lot to those of us who are reading it because we know we're not alone.
I'm at my wits' end with my father. He's always been rather critical growing up but now that I'm in my 30s, he's become straight up toxic. He's always been a negative man but I never realized how horrible he can be until recently, now that I'm spending more time at home as an adult. Random tantrums and shouting matches about what a failure I am and he'll be unnecessarily rude out of nowhere with zero provocation. My mum decided to treat our entire family to a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant recently and my father decided to wear headphones for most of the dinner because he decided that was the best time to listen to a podcast. He drove us to the restaurant and spent the entire time insulting my mother and I and people in general. He is also very critical of her, talking about how useless she is and how she has no life skills, even though she is the breadwinner and has been for many years now. If he doesn't get what he wants or he's having a bad day, he will make sure everyone else's day is ruined as well. I have literally seen multiple instances where he will want to go on holiday or go out for a hike (all last minute decisions as well) and if my mother is busy that day or can't take the time off, he will start throwing tantrums and give her a really sour attitude for a day or two.
The irony of it all is that both my mum and I are professionally and socially more successful. While that doesn't make us better people than him, I find it very hurtful and bizarre that he would talk down on us constantly given we're doing just fine and he's the one who barely has friends and hates everything and everyone. His life peaked in university when he went to a top school (think LSE, Imperial) and was a very good student, but his professional life never really took off, at least in a way that he wanted it to. I went to an even better school than him (not bragging, just sharing some background information for context), but he insists it's only because young people today are dumb and standards have lowered, or someone like me wouldn't have gotten in. My husband and I also currently live in Amsterdam, which is a lovely city (my partner is from there), and my father called us losers, because "if you were successful you'd be in London." It's like nothing I do is ever enough for him, and I am constantly walking on eggshells around him because he often explodes out of nowhere. My mum and I could be having a conversation about celebs or a dress she's wearing, and he will burst out randomly with a string of insults about how small minded we are because we discuss "stupid" topics, and how I will never amount to anything in life because he realized how pathetic I am at age 30 something and will never get better. I've been called every insult under the sun and when I push back or ignore his hurtful comments, he will ignore me for days and throw silent tantrums at my mum and I. It's exhausting to be around him and I feel terrible for my mum, who is a lovely woman with the patience of a saint and doesn't deserve all this.
Thank you all for listening to my rant. I wasn't sure where else to turn to and I have felt very embarrassed over the whole thing, because I was always someone who was known for having a good family life in my social circle. It's mortifying to discover that my dad is simply unreasonable and very toxic.
I'm at my wits' end with my father. He's always been rather critical growing up but now that I'm in my 30s, he's become straight up toxic. He's always been a negative man but I never realized how horrible he can be until recently, now that I'm spending more time at home as an adult. Random tantrums and shouting matches about what a failure I am and he'll be unnecessarily rude out of nowhere with zero provocation. My mum decided to treat our entire family to a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant recently and my father decided to wear headphones for most of the dinner because he decided that was the best time to listen to a podcast. He drove us to the restaurant and spent the entire time insulting my mother and I and people in general. He is also very critical of her, talking about how useless she is and how she has no life skills, even though she is the breadwinner and has been for many years now. If he doesn't get what he wants or he's having a bad day, he will make sure everyone else's day is ruined as well. I have literally seen multiple instances where he will want to go on holiday or go out for a hike (all last minute decisions as well) and if my mother is busy that day or can't take the time off, he will start throwing tantrums and give her a really sour attitude for a day or two.
The irony of it all is that both my mum and I are professionally and socially more successful. While that doesn't make us better people than him, I find it very hurtful and bizarre that he would talk down on us constantly given we're doing just fine and he's the one who barely has friends and hates everything and everyone. His life peaked in university when he went to a top school (think LSE, Imperial) and was a very good student, but his professional life never really took off, at least in a way that he wanted it to. I went to an even better school than him (not bragging, just sharing some background information for context), but he insists it's only because young people today are dumb and standards have lowered, or someone like me wouldn't have gotten in. My husband and I also currently live in Amsterdam, which is a lovely city (my partner is from there), and my father called us losers, because "if you were successful you'd be in London." It's like nothing I do is ever enough for him, and I am constantly walking on eggshells around him because he often explodes out of nowhere. My mum and I could be having a conversation about celebs or a dress she's wearing, and he will burst out randomly with a string of insults about how small minded we are because we discuss "stupid" topics, and how I will never amount to anything in life because he realized how pathetic I am at age 30 something and will never get better. I've been called every insult under the sun and when I push back or ignore his hurtful comments, he will ignore me for days and throw silent tantrums at my mum and I. It's exhausting to be around him and I feel terrible for my mum, who is a lovely woman with the patience of a saint and doesn't deserve all this.
Thank you all for listening to my rant. I wasn't sure where else to turn to and I have felt very embarrassed over the whole thing, because I was always someone who was known for having a good family life in my social circle. It's mortifying to discover that my dad is simply unreasonable and very toxic.
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Thank you for the response
Yes, my mum was upset to find that her first born was a girl.
Any study/career success I had would never be celebrated because she wanted that for my brothers and not me. If I got a better paying job I would get a comment like ‘oh you’re so greedy’ or ‘you just chase money’.
My mum’s friend once said that my mum was really proud of me and my achievements. I was completely taken aback, she had never ever told me that herself. She’s never even said she loved me.
My dad left us when we were young as he saw the responsibility of having a family as ‘too much’. He would send money on a monthly basis and that was him believing he was doing his duty. He messages now and again asking to see pics of my daughter which I just ignore. He has no right to be part of any ‘good’ in my life when he was never there during tough times. You can’t just pick and chose when to be present.
I appreciate you all reading this and sharing your own stories.
There are a few of us in the same position regarding brothers! I honestly think my mother thinks women are inferior. I disagree.
It helps to read others' stories, to process and to know that you're not alone.
My mother has always been self obsessed, hysterical and treated me like a confidante, I really didn't want to hear stories about who she wanted to sleep with since I was 13. It was so inappropriate! I much preferred the company of my father so found it alarming & naturally felt protective of him.
She woke up up early yesterday just to scream at me so my whole day was frazzled.
It helps to read others' stories, to process and to know that you're not alone.
My mother has always been self obsessed, hysterical and treated me like a confidante, I really didn't want to hear stories about who she wanted to sleep with since I was 13. It was so inappropriate! I much preferred the company of my father so found it alarming & naturally felt protective of him.
She woke up up early yesterday just to scream at me so my whole day was frazzled.
I'm sorry your father is like this. He sounds an unhappy person but that is not an excuse to bully others. It's good you have some distance between you so you can choose when or if you speak to him and any other boundaries you decide you need.
I'm estranged from my narc mother (father is deceased) but I waited far too long to walk away. We only get one shot at life and I now choose carefully who is in mine.
I'm sorry your dad is like this. What he's doing is emotional abuse to you and your mum. Typical narc too, their own achievements don't match up to their grandiose sense of self so they have to browbeat the people who have outdone them to protect their fragile ego.
My brother has access to narc mother's bank account and due to a previous indiscretion where he 'accidentally' withdraw all her money, has to provide me with a bank statement each month and an explanation of any out of the ordinary amounts. Well he's done it again. He's withdrawn $10,000 with no explanation and he hasn't answered my email asking why. I'm giving him until Wednesday as that will be a week and then I'm going back to the lawyer 
Thank you for saying that! I do think he is deeply unhappy or at the very least, frustrated with his own life, and I have compassion for that. I know he's a hard worker whose life just hasn't turned out the way he wanted and now that he's in his 60s, he is unlikely to get there. It's just hard to walk away even though I know it's the logical thing to do. I think the fact that I don't usually live near him helps a lot. When I come home during the holidays for short periods of time, he can actually be quite pleasant. But we decided to live near family as a result of the pandemic and it's been a dreadful experience with him moaning and yelling constantly. I worry the most for my mum, who lives with him and am afraid has to deal with the brunt of his negativity.
Thank you for your kindness and insight! That definitely describes my father to a T! To be clear, we don't care if he's the most successful or rich man on the block, but it's been made very clear to us all that he had a different vision for how his professional life should've turned out and he's quite resentful about it. It honestly feels like he's transferred a lot of that resentment onto me and is trying to live vicariously through me by telling me how I should live my life and what I should accomplish. The hypocrisy emains that he didn't get there himself despite the effort he put in, so how can he be so sure that everything he says is the gospel? But my father is unable or unwilling to see that. He remains convinced that he's a misunderstood genius who has been taken advantage of by an evil and stupid world, and I'm one of the stupid people in it who doesn't appreciate him.
I'm so sorry to hear that. In what world is that kind of behaviour acceptable? Is your mother enabling this, because she should say something! Although if she's a narc like you've mentioned previously, I'm not sure if she'd be able to do something about it, at least not in a way that's fair to you.My brother has access to narc mother's bank account and due to a previous indiscretion where he 'accidentally' withdraw all her money, has to provide me with a bank statement each month and an explanation of any out of the ordinary amounts. Well he's done it again. He's withdrawn $10,000 with no explanation and he hasn't answered my email asking why. I'm giving him until Wednesday as that will be a week and then I'm going back to the lawyer
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Yep she's enabling him, she's always been his enabler. It's not acceptable behaviour at all. I wish I didn't have to deal with this again.
I'm so sorry to hear that. The sad reality I've come to terms with over the years is that family don't always have the best intentions and they don't always care about or want the best for you. They also absolutely pick favourites, and will gang up on people who are different from them or they're jealous of. It sounds like your brother is very much like that and my extended family is a prime example of this. My father is a first generation university student and my mother was the only child in her family to go to university, and their siblings and by extension their kids never let them forget it. My father, who has his own issues, is no longer on speaking terms with his sister because she is very ill-tempered and constantly asking for handouts and my mother's siblings only contact her when they want something. The last time I've spoken to one of my cousins, one of them told me that she doesn't know why I bother to talk to her, considering our lives are so different and she doesn't need to hear me "show off and brag about how lucky you are." (nevermind how hard I work and try to be a good person!) You can't win with toxic people who not only don't want the best for you, but seem to actively go against your peace and happiness. If legal action is the only viable option, don't feel bad about pursuing it.
This is really not what you need is it! It drains your emotional energy