Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Slaybutter]

I live in the states and Thanksgiving is coming up. I’m a little sad that my mom felt relieved I wasn’t coming to hers. I reminded her I can’t tolerate onions and garlic and gave that as a reason I’m not going. She was so happy then that I said I wouldn’t come. This conversation happened weeks ago. This past Friday we spoke and she told me her friends were staying by her for the weekend. She bent over backwards to accommodate one of her guests dietary needs. She’s happy to do things differently for my brother as well who is a vegan. It’s a little hurtful how she treats me but mostly I get upset over the larger picture of not having a caring mother. I think I would be a happy person to my core if I did have one. We didn’t talk too much one on one this month and I noticed a steady improvement in my mental health. I got upset the day that we spoke but I’m looking forward to things building back up again.

 

[cee-bee]

I live in the states and Thanksgiving is coming up. I’m a little sad that my mom felt relieved I wasn’t coming to hers. I reminded her I can’t tolerate onions and garlic and gave that as a reason I’m not going. She was so happy then that I said I wouldn’t come. This conversation happened weeks ago. This past Friday we spoke and she told me her friends were staying by her for the weekend. She bent over backwards to accommodate one of her guests dietary needs. She’s happy to do things differently for my brother as well who is a vegan. It’s a little hurtful how she treats me but mostly I get upset over the larger picture of not having a caring mother. I think I would be a happy person to my core if I did have one. We didn’t talk too much one on one this month and I noticed a steady improvement in my mental health. I got upset the day that we spoke but I’m looking forward to things building back up again.

thats really sad for you and i underestand exactly what you mean. I’m always grieving for the mother I never had.

but lots of people have wonderful mother’s and aren’t happy to their core. They aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s possible to be a deeply contented person, even without a supportive mother.

it sounds like you’re coming to terms with who your mother is - it sounds like you’re grieving too, and it sounds like you’re recognising the negative impact she has on you. That’s a difficult place to reach as many stay in the cycle of dysfunction rather than come to terms with reality.

so my guess is… your mother not being as welcoming towards you, is a reflection of how you make her feel. Narcissists can’t stand someone who see them for that they are. It puts their facade and their egos at risk and makes them deeply uncomfortable. People with that amount of clarity act as a mirror to the narcissist, and they’d rather not see themselves in the cold light of reality.

It’s not about you. It’s about the fact your mother probably senses a shift in you, realises her “grip” on you is becoming more tenuous and that makes you a risk towards her. That’s why she was happy you weren’t going to come. It’s all about her dysfunction. Not you.

 

[ploddertoo]

I am so glad to have found this thread, don’t really want to say anymore for now, doing LC with my mum on my terms,

 

[RandomFrog]

Not really sure why I'm writing here but I've ended up really upset tonight after dealing with a drunken parent.

I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant which probably doesn't help all round but not sure how to deal with this for future? I really don't want my child around drunk people, seeing aggressive behaviour or swearing/name calling at other family members. Literally the only option I see is I don't see or go round to my parents but then my other parent misses out, who ironically very rarely drinks at all.

I've tried speaking to my non drinking parent but they just excuse the behaviour all the time, such as 'its always this time of year they drink more' 'theyve been out with friends' etc etc. Feeling stuck in limbo

 

[gc105]

Another massive rant needed here about my MIL!!!!

Husband & I been together almost 15 years, and have 2 young children together. My MIL has caused problems for years now, but the most recent issue has been the final nail in the coffin for me.

Over the years, there have been various disrespectful comments made towards me - including telling me she had thought I wasn’t good enough for her son, telling my family she’d be closer to her daughters children than mine & husbands children (whilst pregnant with our first child and her first grandchild), causing an argument days after the birth of our second child because we “hadn’t let her see her grandchild” - despite visiting in hospital and her cancelling a visit because of the weather!

The most recent issue though is the last straw for me. Without going into too much detail - she recently divulged information/concerns regarding another family member to my husband, who acted on this information, creating fallouts within their family. She also disclosed this information to MY mum and told her about these concerns. She was very unhappy when my husband said she needs to be honest with the family member about disclosing personal/confidential information to him, as it then would look bad in her. She then proceeded to further discuss the situation with my mum, telling lies about my husband in the process (saying he had given my MIL an ‘ultimatum, which categorically did not happen). When my husband addressed the issues with her (via a telephone call), she flew off the handle. Threatened to kill herself several times, said me & my family had “had it in for her for years” (which my husband even said is absolute bullsh*t) and that she is worried we will stop her seeing the kids.

Now, I personally believe what she said is emotional abuse and blackmail, and it is unacceptable and unforgivable IMO to say those things to anyone, never mind your own child. However, my husband wants to address the problems with her and maintain a relationship with her despite the continuous aggro and problems she has caused us. I’ve said I want nothing more to do with her as I feel what she said is unforgivable. She is a toxic, nasty person and not the sort of person I want around me or our children. I have explained to him I have bit my tongue on so many occasions in the past, and on each occasion the issue has just been swept under the carpet with no repercussions, hence why she feels she can get away with such toxic behaviour.

Any advice, as I don’t know where we go from here.

 

[HitnMiss]

Another massive rant needed here about my MIL!!!!

Husband & I been together almost 15 years, and have 2 young children together. My MIL has caused problems for years now, but the most recent issue has been the final nail in the coffin for me.

Over the years, there have been various disrespectful comments made towards me - including telling me she had thought I wasn’t good enough for her son, telling my family she’d be closer to her daughters children than mine & husbands children (whilst pregnant with our first child and her first grandchild), causing an argument days after the birth of our second child because we “hadn’t let her see her grandchild” - despite visiting in hospital and her cancelling a visit because of the weather!

The most recent issue though is the last straw for me. Without going into too much detail - she recently divulged information/concerns regarding another family member to my husband, who acted on this information, creating fallouts within their family. She also disclosed this information to MY mum and told her about these concerns. She was very unhappy when my husband said she needs to be honest with the family member about disclosing personal/confidential information to him, as it then would look bad in her. She then proceeded to further discuss the situation with my mum, telling lies about my husband in the process (saying he had given my MIL an ‘ultimatum, which categorically did not happen). When my husband addressed the issues with her (via a telephone call), she flew off the handle. Threatened to kill herself several times, said me & my family had “had it in for her for years” (which my husband even said is absolute bullsh*t) and that she is worried we will stop her seeing the kids.

Now, I personally believe what she said is emotional abuse and blackmail, and it is unacceptable and unforgivable IMO to say those things to anyone, never mind your own child. However, my husband wants to address the problems with her and maintain a relationship with her despite the continuous aggro and problems she has caused us. I’ve said I want nothing more to do with her as I feel what she said is unforgivable. She is a toxic, nasty person and not the sort of person I want around me or our children. I have explained to him I have bit my tongue on so many occasions in the past, and on each occasion the issue has just been swept under the carpet with no repercussions, hence why she feels she can get away with such toxic behaviour.

Any advice, as I don’t know where we go from here.

What a terrible situation for you to be in. It does sound like you need to cut off contact with her. It might take your husband a bit longer to realise it. I hope she backs off.

 

[NoBruv]

Reading some of your stories is horrifying and amazing at the same. I’ve got low contact with mum now, after years of never being good enough, my brain just keeps taking me back to her sitting me down calmly when I was about 13 and her telling me she wished she never had kids. I try not to let this bubble up too much, but coming up to Christmas and some sad anniversaries makes it difficult. How did you all become so strong?

 

[Lemonsqueezy123!]

Reading some of your stories is horrifying and amazing at the same. I’ve got low contact with mum now, after years of never being good enough, my brain just keeps taking me back to her sitting me down calmly when I was about 13 and her telling me she wished she never had kids. I try not to let this bubble up too much, but coming up to Christmas and some sad anniversaries makes it difficult. How did you all become so strong?

What a truly awful thing to say to your child, it must have been so difficult growing up and living the rest of your life after her saying that. You’re stronger than you may believe honestly.
A little off topic here but my rapist has been released from prison today. I’ve truly been a mess this week. My mum had a week off work and hasn’t visited once, she’s just told me her mental health has been awful and she hopes she’s over the worst of it. When your own parents just have no regard for your thoughts and feelings at all it’s hurtful but I know personally I’m doing my best to break this cycle of trauma. Our best is all we can do, and we will be better people for it x

 

[gc105]

Another massive rant needed here about my MIL!!!!

Husband & I been together almost 15 years, and have 2 young children together. My MIL has caused problems for years now, but the most recent issue has been the final nail in the coffin for me.

Over the years, there have been various disrespectful comments made towards me - including telling me she had thought I wasn’t good enough for her son, telling my family she’d be closer to her daughters children than mine & husbands children (whilst pregnant with our first child and her first grandchild), causing an argument days after the birth of our second child because we “hadn’t let her see her grandchild” - despite visiting in hospital and her cancelling a visit because of the weather!

The most recent issue though is the last straw for me. Without going into too much detail - she recently divulged information/concerns regarding another family member to my husband, who acted on this information, creating fallouts within their family. She also disclosed this information to MY mum and told her about these concerns. She was very unhappy when my husband said she needs to be honest with the family member about disclosing personal/confidential information to him, as it then would look bad in her. She then proceeded to further discuss the situation with my mum, telling lies about my husband in the process (saying he had given my MIL an ‘ultimatum, which categorically did not happen). When my husband addressed the issues with her (via a telephone call), she flew off the handle. Threatened to kill herself several times, said me & my family had “had it in for her for years” (which my husband even said is absolute bullsh*t) and that she is worried we will stop her seeing the kids.

Now, I personally believe what she said is emotional abuse and blackmail, and it is unacceptable and unforgivable IMO to say those things to anyone, never mind your own child. However, my husband wants to address the problems with her and maintain a relationship with her despite the continuous aggro and problems she has caused us. I’ve said I want nothing more to do with her as I feel what she said is unforgivable. She is a toxic, nasty person and not the sort of person I want around me or our children. I have explained to him I have bit my tongue on so many occasions in the past, and on each occasion the issue has just been swept under the carpet with no repercussions, hence why she feels she can get away with such toxic behaviour.

Any advice, as I don’t know where we go from here.

Update on the situation - MIL came up to ‘discuss’ the situation. All went ‘well’ whilst husband was discussing things that have been said/done & the impact it’s had, no shouting or aggression. However, when I then spoke up on the root cause of our frustration/anger, it was met with a completely different tone. She became aggressive, shouted & dismissed much of what I said. When I explained to her I wanted to get out in the open what had happened to bring to this situation, she done a ‘goading’ sign with her hands and said (with a raised voice) - bring it on, bring it on! I said to my husband at that point she was goading me but didn’t react. She later stood up, got up & in my face and pointed her car key in my face - my husband had to stand up and step in front of her, still she continued trying to get in my face & shouting aggressively. I’ll admit at this point I shouted back (only to try and get my point across over her rant!). She stormed out of our house twice, the second time my husband left her to it. The first time she asked - if I walk away, will I still get to see my grandchildren?

The second time she walked out, she looked at my husband whilst pointing at me - saying aggressively “SHE is nothing, SHE is nothing!”

Husband & I have discussed what happened since, he is shocked & angry at her behaviour/attitude. I’ve asked him to tell me honestly if I said anything out of line/acted unreasonable. He said he firmly believes I said nothing unreasonable (he did say I can be direct in my way of wording things, and some people don’t like that, but that there is nothing wrong with it).

The thing that complicates the whole situation is we have 2 children who have had a relationship with their grandmother up until this point, and whilst I am extremely angry, hurt & can’t see a way of forgiving her, I am mindful that I can’t step in the way of their relationship. Ultimately, I don’t want my children to resent me for stopping them having a relationship with her when they are older.

 

[Chandler Bing]

I rarely speak to my Golden Child sibling. But he has emailed me to tell me that he's retiring at the end of the year. At 36. Made possible by the narc parent and his exceedingly generous gifts over the years, such as multiple rental properties, so my sibling can just live off the profits of them now.

 

[cee-bee]

I rarely speak to my Golden Child sibling. But he has emailed me to tell me that he's retiring at the end of the year. At 36. Made possible by the narc parent and his exceedingly generous gifts over the years, such as multiple rental properties, so my sibling can just live off the profits of them now.

Living off the money others pay in rent to you, always felt a bit grim and unfair to me (especially as someone who has had to hand over almost half my take home wage to live in a damp London flat that my landlord inherited).

 

[screamqueen]

So I haven’t spoken to my NM since April, nor any of her siblings.
Earlier today a small package arrived at the door and I know right away from the handwriting it’s from her. Anticipating it’s some sort of Christmas gift from her… oh joy.

Why do they do this? You go low/no contact, yet times like this it’s like they’re suddenly the ‘good guy’ by sending something you didn’t ask for. And why then do *I* feel guilty about receiving it and not feeling grateful? Such a head duck.

 

[Slaybutter]

So I haven’t spoken to my NM since April, nor any of her siblings.
Earlier today a small package arrived at the door and I know right away from the handwriting it’s from her. Anticipating it’s some sort of Christmas gift from her… oh joy.

Why do they do this? You go low/no contact, yet times like this it’s like they’re suddenly the ‘good guy’ by sending something you didn’t ask for. And why then do *I* feel guilty about receiving it and not feeling grateful? Such a head duck.

I think not feeling grateful is normal in these situations. You don’t trust this person to treat you right, so your mind is telling you that you don’t need to feel like you are beholden to them. Also sometimes it’s too little, too late. They’re withholding when you’re close to them but the second you start watching out for yourself and establishing some distance they want to lure you back in with gifts? Nah, f that

 

[Deeznutslol]

So I haven’t spoken to my NM since April, nor any of her siblings.
Earlier today a small package arrived at the door and I know right away from the handwriting it’s from her. Anticipating it’s some sort of Christmas gift from her… oh joy.

Why do they do this? You go low/no contact, yet times like this it’s like they’re suddenly the ‘good guy’ by sending something you didn’t ask for. And why then do *I* feel guilty about receiving it and not feeling grateful? Such a head duck.

If she’s a narc then she hasn’t done it to be nice, she has done it simply to try and get you to contact her and so that if you don’t contact her, she can use it to try and make you look like a bad person to other people. Rest assured that you’re not in the wrong for not feeling grateful, and I would suggest ignoring it and just carry on with the NC if that’s what you want!

 

[screamqueen]

I think not feeling grateful is normal in these situations. You don’t trust this person to treat you right, so your mind is telling you that you don’t need to feel like you are beholden to them. Also sometimes it’s too little, too late. They’re withholding when you’re close to them but the second you start watching out for yourself and establishing some distance they want to lure you back in with gifts? Nah, f that

Thankyou. Sometimes it’s just the reassurance from others who understand this kind of relationship that you’re not crazy for feeling a kind of way.
You’re right, and that’s exactly how it feels - it’s always the lure back, particularly around this time.

If she’s a narc then she hasn’t done it to be nice, she has done it simply to try and get you to contact her and so that if you don’t contact her, she can use it to try and make you look like a bad person to other people. Rest assured that you’re not in the wrong for not feeling grateful, and I would suggest ignoring it and just carry on with the NC if that’s what you want!

Thankyou for this, it’s nice to not feel alone in feeling / experiencing this!
You’re spot on about using it as ammo if I don’t contact her. It’s similar to the time when we were children and she told us not to get her anything for Mother’s Day - I saw through her and got flowers from my siblings and I as I knew there would be murders if she had nothing, and she basically lorded it over my siblings as she knew I’d organised the flowers and made my siblings cry because they’d just gone along with not getting her anything else as she’d requested. Ugh. Who does that?!

I hate how the festive period feels like a time for them to try and make things even more difficult than usual.

I’ll have my partner open the package when he’s home from work, but I just know it’ll be something that has a weird, nauseating nostalgia for her in the hopes I’ll get in touch. She’s manipulative right down to what she chooses to send.

Thanks for your replies - really appreciate it

 

[Good Egg]

Do narcissists blame you for something that happens to them even though 100% it’s a)there responsibility b)you didn’t do anything
A situation has occurred today and I’m getting blamed for it.
Also is it normal for a narc to call you self centred, horrible and it’s all about you even though you feel like breaking down because I’m all honesty without sounding like a self pity post I feel my life quite frankly has revolves around the narc and I haven’t really lived or done my own thing. I’m always the afterthought I always have put others first, because I care about others and less so myself.
It’s so cruel.
I look at myself and I don’t recognise myself anymore. I’ve been put in a box and this is life now. I know it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s exhausting. I’m permanently tired.

 

[HitnMiss]

Do narcissists blame you for something that happens to them even though 100% it’s a)there responsibility b)you didn’t do anything
A situation has occurred today and I’m getting blamed for it.
Also is it normal for a narc to call you self centred, horrible and it’s all about you even though you feel like breaking down because I’m all honesty without sounding like a self pity post I feel my life quite frankly has revolves around the narc and I haven’t really lived or done my own thing. I’m always the afterthought I always have put others first, because I care about others and less so myself.
It’s so cruel.
I look at myself and I don’t recognise myself anymore. I’ve been put in a box and this is life now. I know it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s exhausting. I’m permanently tired.

Yes to all. They never take responsibility and nothing is ever their fault. They project their failings onto you.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

[Slaybutter]

Do narcissists blame you for something that happens to them even though 100% it’s a)there responsibility b)you didn’t do anything
A situation has occurred today and I’m getting blamed for it.
Also is it normal for a narc to call you self centred, horrible and it’s all about you even though you feel like breaking down because I’m all honesty without sounding like a self pity post I feel my life quite frankly has revolves around the narc and I haven’t really lived or done my own thing. I’m always the afterthought I always have put others first, because I care about others and less so myself.
It’s so cruel.
I look at myself and I don’t recognise myself anymore. I’ve been put in a box and this is life now. I know it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s exhausting. I’m permanently tired.

Not in the same words but I’ve definitely got the message from my mum that my life doesn’t matter in her eyes and I’m a supporting character. It kind of haunts me? I don’t think you’re self pitying and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this treatment.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Do narcissists blame you for something that happens to them even though 100% it’s a)there responsibility b)you didn’t do anything
A situation has occurred today and I’m getting blamed for it.
Also is it normal for a narc to call you self centred, horrible and it’s all about you even though you feel like breaking down because I’m all honesty without sounding like a self pity post I feel my life quite frankly has revolves around the narc and I haven’t really lived or done my own thing. I’m always the afterthought I always have put others first, because I care about others and less so myself.
It’s so cruel.
I look at myself and I don’t recognise myself anymore. I’ve been put in a box and this is life now. I know it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s exhausting. I’m permanently tired.

My mum has died and I do miss her, but I know for a fact that if she was still here my life would still be revolving around her and my whole body would be still under stress from trying to please her (but never quite being able to). So I know exactly how you feel. The reason it is abuse is because they hold all of the power - even though it is psychological power.

 

[nothanksbabes]

Do narcissists blame you for something that happens to them even though 100% it’s a)there responsibility b)you didn’t do anything
A situation has occurred today and I’m getting blamed for it.
Also is it normal for a narc to call you self centred, horrible and it’s all about you even though you feel like breaking down because I’m all honesty without sounding like a self pity post I feel my life quite frankly has revolves around the narc and I haven’t really lived or done my own thing. I’m always the afterthought I always have put others first, because I care about others and less so myself.
It’s so cruel.
I look at myself and I don’t recognise myself anymore. I’ve been put in a box and this is life now. I know it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s exhausting. I’m permanently tired.

Yes. They will literally do something in front of your face and then blame you for it without a second thought, and if you question them about it the narc rage starts because how dare you criticise them... at which point they project a list of their own failings on you.

It's exhausting and you quickly start to question your own sanity. It's like trying to reason with a brick. Suddenly everything you do revolves around placating the narc lunatic.