Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Good Egg]

I have so many examples I could share but if I said them out loud I’d worry they’d sound so extreme it couldn’t possibly be true. It really is covert. I’m sure many of us can say we don’t speak about it to others or when we do others don’t really understand fully.
I’ve had a down day today. It’s hard to focus on Christmas and everything when it feels forced. This is the first year I haven’t put my tree up. I often have thoughts that it’s me with the issue. It’s me with a personality disorder. It’s all down to me being a bad person. I can’t help but feel sad we’ve been dealt this hand.
My heart goes out to everyone on here it really does

 

[katyazamo]

Does anyone's narc parents completely fabricate scenarios in their head and confront you about things that simply are not and never were true?

My sister was at her work Christmas party on Friday and a bit worse for wear on Saturday and didn't really reply to any messages. It wasn't important anyway so not a big deal. My mum phoned me to say she knows my sister was out taking drugs all night (?!) and isn't answering her messages because she's ended up in trouble as a result of the drugs. Like.. What the duck are you on about? It's completely farcical.

It's not a new thing either, when I was at university about ten years ago she got it in her head that I'd somehow quit my degree and she phoned me up (when I was in the library, ironically) screaming and demanding email addresses of my course supervisors who she then actually emailed to ask about me. They replied and said there was nothing to worry about... Because there wasn't. I was mortified. I feel like she needs serious help with this, it is complete delusion. I just don't understand it. Is it a control thing?

 

[nothanksbabes]

Does anyone's narc parents completely fabricate scenarios in their head and confront you about things that simply are not and never were true?

My sister was at her work Christmas party on Friday and a bit worse for wear on Saturday and didn't really reply to any messages. It wasn't important anyway so not a big deal. My mum phoned me to say she knows my sister was out taking drugs all night (?!) and isn't answering her messages because she's ended up in trouble as a result of the drugs. Like.. What the duck are you on about? It's completely farcical.

It's not a new thing either, when I was at university about ten years ago she got it in her head that I'd somehow quit my degree and she phoned me up (when I was in the library, ironically) screaming and demanding email addresses of my course supervisors who she then actually emailed to ask about me. They replied and said there was nothing to worry about... Because there wasn't. I was mortified. I feel like she needs serious help with this, it is complete delusion. I just don't understand it. Is it a control thing?

I'm sure they're just so addicted to their own superiority and moral outrage that if there's nothing to be outraged about they make it up.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Does anyone's narc parents completely fabricate scenarios in their head and confront you about things that simply are not and never were true?

My sister was at her work Christmas party on Friday and a bit worse for wear on Saturday and didn't really reply to any messages. It wasn't important anyway so not a big deal. My mum phoned me to say she knows my sister was out taking drugs all night (?!) and isn't answering her messages because she's ended up in trouble as a result of the drugs. Like.. What the duck are you on about? It's completely farcical.

It's not a new thing either, when I was at university about ten years ago she got it in her head that I'd somehow quit my degree and she phoned me up (when I was in the library, ironically) screaming and demanding email addresses of my course supervisors who she then actually emailed to ask about me. They replied and said there was nothing to worry about... Because there wasn't. I was mortified. I feel like she needs serious help with this, it is complete delusion. I just don't understand it. Is it a control thing?

Yes! Once when I'd arrived home from work my mum kept accusing me of being too quiet and asking what was wrong (there was nothing wrong). She kept asking if I'd run someone over on the way home!

She also used to accuse me of stealing and also of being pregnant.

 

[Kas01980]

Yes. They will literally do something in front of your face and then blame you for it without a second thought, and if you question them about it the narc rage starts because how dare you criticise them... at which point they project a list of their own failings on you.

It's exhausting and you quickly start to question your own sanity. It's like trying to reason with a brick. Suddenly everything you do revolves around placating the narc lunatic.

I read this and my mouth dropped open. You have described EXACTLY what my ex was. He'd do something entirely of his own fault and making, but it was always my fault, I was "playing the victim" when I tried standing up for myself and tell him it wasn't my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong, or it was me and my "mental health" (there was nothing wrong with me at that point), and the rages were terrifying, screaming the worse things I've been heard into my face, and then somehow I'd end up apologising. He'd either refuse to say one word to me for a week, or he'd take my phone, keys and bank card off me and lock me out of the flat. I slept on the streets in the middle of February. Everything was always my fault. This was two years ago now annd I have changed beyond belief. I'm stone cold...I refuse to let annhone into my life, including friends, annd the only other human beings I have in my life are my parents and work colleagues. I do the same thing every single night and weekend, on my own, at exactly the same times. I tell myself I'm being strong and protecting myself. I still replay the situations over and over in my head, STILL questioning myself sometimes, "WAS it my fault?". When everything came to a head and the Police became involved, they used Clares Law to tell me about his background....Id never heard of it until then....the police used it to try and prove to me he had countless things against him with a number of other exes, to try and show me none of it was my fault. He's a dangerous person and that only scratches the surface of the things he said and did. He didn't have any friends but his work colleagues couldn't regard him high enough...this charming, cheeky, funny guy that would do anything for anyone. But behind closed doors he was an absolute monster. I'm doing well for myself now, but being that was the second abusive relationship I've now been in, I've promised myself I'll see the rest of my life out by myself with no friends and definitely never another partner. I just seem to attract users ...even in friends....I just don't trust anyone anymore. The only friends I have are the ones I have on Tattle

Edit: apologies, I've just noticed this thread was about parents, the "narcissistic and toxic" bit grabbed my attention

 

[nothanksbabes]

I read this and my mouth dropped open. You have described EXACTLY what my ex was. He'd do something entirely of his own fault and making, but it was always my fault, I was "playing the victim" when I tried standing up for myself and tell him it wasn't my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong, or it was me and my "mental health" (there was nothing wrong with me at that point), and the rages were terrifying, screaming the worse things I've been heard into my face, and then somehow I'd end up apologising. He'd either refuse to say one word to me for a week, or he'd take my phone, keys and bank card off me and lock me out of the flat. I slept on the streets in the middle of February. Everything was always my fault. This was two years ago now annd I have changed beyond belief. I'm stone cold...I refuse to let annhone into my life, including friends, annd the only other human beings I have in my life are my parents and work colleagues. I do the same thing every single night and weekend, on my own, at exactly the same times. I tell myself I'm being strong and protecting myself. I still replay the situations over and over in my head, STILL questioning myself sometimes, "WAS it my fault?". When everything came to a head and the Police became involved, they used Clares Law to tell me about his background....Id never heard of it until then....the police used it to try and prove to me he had countless things against him with a number of other exes, to try and show me none of it was my fault. He's a dangerous person and that only scratches the surface of the things he said and did. He didn't have any friends but his work colleagues couldn't regard him high enough...this charming, cheeky, funny guy that would do anything for anyone. But behind closed doors he was an absolute monster. I'm doing well for myself now, but being that was the second abusive relationship I've now been in, I've promised myself I'll see the rest of my life out by myself with no friends and definitely never another partner. I just seem to attract users ...even in friends....I just don't trust anyone anymore. The only friends I have are the ones I have on Tattle

Edit: apologies, I've just noticed this thread was about parents, the "narcissistic and toxic" bit grabbed my attention

My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation with my ex who did exactly the same. Someone suggested Clare's law and I thought, oh he's not *that* bad (my ex was abusive but a bit troubled and socially inept and being the idiot I was, I felt sorry for him). Anyway skip to the end of our relationship and someone sent me an article from a magazine documenting how he'd attacked his ex and received an 18 month suspended sentence for ABH.

I then met a lovely man, sadly his ex wife (who I knew first) is a massive abusive narc who abused him for years and their kids, and then tried to bully me. When I set a boundary with her she ruined my bleeping life, turned the kids against me and made him choose between them and me by threatening suicide.

I'm like you now in that I can't ever trust another human being again. These horrors always win their hollow little victories at our expense and I'm done with it. If these people were animals you'd put them down for the good of society. They are vile and a net loss to everyone they come into contact with. They are failed human beings. I honestly absolutely detest them.

 

[Maid22]

Ive just had a phone call from a relative, they're the only one who has my number, apparently my old man probably won't survive the night, I'm thinking good riddance! She kept saying to me your choice to go see him, why would I, it's been over 10 years, then she asked me if I'd see my mum, no, she sided with him, I actually have no feelings towards them, they've shunned me and oh for years.

 

[Maid22]

Me again.havent heard if he's croaked it, really wish he would, so sick of hearing he's on the way out, I know I'm gona have a problem, I REALLY don't want my name in his obituary or on his headstone, but there's duck all I can do unless I speak to the others, which I really don't want to do.

 

[Bananabadger]

Hi @Maid22, god that sounds tricky and painful. If he'd been admitted to hospital/hospice, you could ring the hospital and ask for an update?

 

[Maid22]

Hi @Maid22, god that sounds tricky and painful. If he'd been admitted to hospital/hospice, you could ring the hospital and ask for an update?

No apparently he's at home, he hasn't spoken to me for over 10 years, the last time we spoke he was so nasty to me, I really don't like using the hate word, but I do hate him and my brother.

 

[Pinhead Larry]

I just want to share with someone what my narc mum has done this month because I feel like the natural response is to bottle it up and keep it secret, even though you’re not the one who’s done wrong

1) told me I was really unlikable and horrible before I met my boyfriend, but can stand me now I am with him (we’re very low contact so I don’t know where she’s drawn this assumption from)

2) lied and told me there’s hereditary early menopause in the family to try and scare me in to having a baby. Fact checked and there’s only one person who had early menopause, my nana.

3) told me in November we’d both been invited to a party this month, but she told them I can’t go because I’ll be on holiday. I thought oh fair enough, because I was on holiday earlier this month. I’ve been back for a week now and it turns out the party was a couple of days ago. She just lied so I wouldn’t go. I think she did that because she likes to brag about me and get attention for my achievements, but if people speak to me about things directly she gets really jealous and starts calling me names. Weird

 

[alwaysdreaming]

No apparently he's at home, he hasn't spoken to me for over 10 years, the last time we spoke he was so nasty to me, I really don't like using the hate word, but I do hate him and my brother.

Hey lovely!
Your words broke my heart.
I hope it’s not too late to reach out. It’s been a busy few days. My baby is unwell.

How are things with your old man?

I totally understand.
It’s one thing cutting your family from your lives and then death crops up. Almost you have to forget your feelings and act out of duty.
One thing I am frightened off. As I have to relive everything.
Your human side wants to be there for your parents. It’s all a fantasy really if you have grown in a narcissistic environment.
Then your brain works overtime and you remember all the abuse, toxicity and recall the reasons you went no contact.
You have to do what’s right for you.
If you don’t want your name written on any headstone Have your say? You’re in control of your life and don’t worry about everyone else’s feelings.
Did they care about you ?

One thing you have to ask yourself would you regret not going. Even when they are dying they make you feel crappy. Would you make peace with yourself if you went. Almost like you know that’s the end.

You know ever since I had my baby whilst pregnant I cried most evenings wishing my siblings would be in my babies life. I got my wish come true and it was all of a fantasy. I regret it deeply.
It doesn’t take narcissists to go back to their roles. They can only hide for so long.
I can’t believe how selfish people and play the victim.

I am sorry you’re going through a hard time.
It’s crappy really. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Vent as much as you like I’ll monitor this thread a bit more.
I am happy to hear your collie is on the mend.

 

[Maid22]

Hey lovely!
Your words broke my heart.
I hope it’s not too late to reach out. It’s been a busy few days. My baby is unwell.

How are things with your old man?

I totally understand.
It’s one thing cutting your family from your lives and then death crops up. Almost you have to forget your feelings and act out of duty.
One thing I am frightened off. As I have to relive everything.
Your human side wants to be there for your parents. It’s all a fantasy really if you have grown in a narcissistic environment.
Then your brain works overtime and you remember all the abuse, toxicity and recall the reasons you went no contact.
You have to do what’s right for you.
If you don’t want your name written on any headstone Have your say? You’re in control of your life and don’t worry about everyone else’s feelings.
Did they care about you ?

One thing you have to ask yourself would you regret not going. Even when they are dying they make you feel crappy. Would you make peace with yourself if you went. Almost like you know that’s the end.

You know ever since I had my baby whilst pregnant I cried most evenings wishing my siblings would be in my babies life. I got my wish come true and it was all of a fantasy. I regret it deeply.
It doesn’t take narcissists to go back to their roles. They can only hide for so long.
I can’t believe how selfish people and play the victim.

I am sorry you’re going through a hard time.
It’s crappy really. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Vent as much as you like I’ll monitor this thread a bit more.
I am happy to hear your collie is on the mend.

Thank you lovely, really hope your baby is ok xx
I wrote out a massive reply, just deleted it, too much stuff to share on here, such a shame we cant pm each other
I shan't be getting in touch with them, there's been too much damage and upset over the years

 

[alwaysdreaming]

Thank you lovely, really hope your baby is ok xx
I wrote out a massive reply, just deleted it, too much stuff to share on here, such a shame we cant pm each other
I shan't be getting in touch with them, there's been too much damage and upset over the years

Ahhhh that’s so annoying when that happens.
I am here for you if you ever need to deal with anything.
I have found I can’t remember half of things that occurred to me if I had to tell you on the spot what occurred. Sometimes randomly I’ll have these flashbacks and I can’t believe what occurred and then I’ll block it from my memory. It’s how I survived my childhood I guess. No one at school knew how me and my siblings grew up. Everyone thought we had a great family.
Did you experience the same ? Have you blocked things from memory as a way to cope ?

I agree I wish we could PM. I wonder why that is?

I agree and totally understand your decision.
I am glad you are doing what’s right for you.
You have moved forward and there’s not point turning back. From experience no one changes and you owe no one nothing.
You may not have closure but you will have peace. ( I pray )
That’s the ultimate power.

 

[Bananabadger]

Does anyone else find they get randomly triggered/set off with flashbacks by totally innocuous stuff? I was reading the excellent “tips for raising self esteem” thread and it was all nice self-care tips, and I immediately heard my mum’s voice saying “you’re OBSESSED with your health”, “I would never spend money on that”, “you’re a selfish little madam” etc. and felt guilty and closed the thread.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Does anyone else find they get randomly triggered/set off with flashbacks by totally innocuous stuff? I was reading the excellent “tips for raising self esteem” thread and it was all nice self-care tips, and I immediately heard my mum’s voice saying “you’re OBSESSED with your health”, “I would never spend money on that”, “you’re a selfish little madam” etc. and felt guilty and closed the thread.

All the time. I was off ill with the flu recently and my husband couldn't understand why I was crying every morning when it was clear I wasn't able to go to work. The guilt and the shame of "being lazy" was too much for me to handle so I came back too early and now this thing won't go away at all. Never in a million years could I tell my parent I took a few days off ill (for the first time in 4 years!), I'd never hear the end of how lazy, worthless and useless I am.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Does anyone else find they get randomly triggered/set off with flashbacks by totally innocuous stuff? I was reading the excellent “tips for raising self esteem” thread and it was all nice self-care tips, and I immediately heard my mum’s voice saying “you’re OBSESSED with your health”, “I would never spend money on that”, “you’re a selfish little madam” etc. and felt guilty and closed the thread.

Yes all the time. If my husband is doing housework I am unable to do anything else except join him as all I will hear in my head is my parents telling me that I'm lazy and selfish and that I just sit there whilst they do everything and how other children help there parents etc. God forbid he puts the hoover on, then I feel like I'm 'in for it'.

 

[daisy2809]

does anyone else ever worry they're 'turning into'/picking up traits of a narc family member?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

does anyone else ever worry they're 'turning into'/picking up traits of a narc family member?

Me again but yes! At work I've started ranting out loud with my opinion like my dad. My colleagues find it quite intimidating I think!

 

[Maid22]

Ahhhh that’s so annoying when that happens.
I am here for you if you ever need to deal with anything.
I have found I can’t remember half of things that occurred to me if I had to tell you on the spot what occurred. Sometimes randomly I’ll have these flashbacks and I can’t believe what occurred and then I’ll block it from my memory. It’s how I survived my childhood I guess. No one at school knew how me and my siblings grew up. Everyone thought we had a great family.
Did you experience the same ? Have you blocked things from memory as a way to cope ?

I agree I wish we could PM. I wonder why that is?

I agree and totally understand your decision.
I am glad you are doing what’s right for you.
You have moved forward and there’s not point turning back. From experience no one changes and you owe no one nothing.
You may not have closure but you will have peace. ( I pray )
That’s the ultimate power.

Thank you lovely, I'm always here for you too x. Hows your baby?

I get you about the memories, Ive tried really hard to block stuff out, but certain things will happen, and it reminds of something, was the same, everyone thought our family was great, nice home etc, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, it's the secrets and lies which I obviously didn't realise or know until I got older, i didn't know what the word love was until my oh said it to me.
Reading these threads really break my heart, how our so called 'parents' have treated us all, emotionally or abusive, my heart goes out to each and everyone one of you.