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I hope you're okay
Do you want to talk about it here?
Vindictive brothers are the worst
I hope you will be okay. Dont let him be the reason you're not here anymore xx
Do you have friends/ a partner to support you? Don’t hurt yourself. Take good care of yourself. Do you have any therapy?
I have one of those head brothers too. They are toxic. Please look after yourself. He's not worth harming yourself over.
I allocated a different ring tone to mine so I know it's him calling and can choose whether I want to answer him or wait until I'm ready.
Thinking of you.
I'm so sorry. I have a brother like that too. Please keep yourself safe and don't be afraid to reach out if you need some support or just want to vent.
All of us here are 100% with you! I'm happy to create an anonymous email account to chat if you wish xxI've just tried reaching out to an old 'friend' who knows the background to my life, they're too busy, they'll maybe catch up with me end of the week, why do I bother
I don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want to do. But writing it down can help. By offloading all the thoughts that are racing around in your head and putting them on paper (or here if you want to) can be very cathartic.I've just tried reaching out to an old 'friend' who knows the background to my life, they're too busy, they'll maybe catch up with me end of the week, why do I bother
Often it helps to straighten things out and clear the way for your brain to think logically.
We don’t judge on this thread. There is so much virtual support and empathy.
Please don’t do anything rash. There is always someone to listen.
Sending a virtual hug
for me it was gradual, which reached a bit of a tipping point.I’m not quite NC but I’m very very low contact. I barley speak or text to them and haven’t seen my narc parents in years.
I knew as a child my dad was “off” and I never bonded with him or had much of a relationship. When I moved to uni I didn’t cut contact conciously, but I was having fun and enjoying for life for the first time, and just never wanted to call or text him. It was like I was just high on this new life without this toxic presence in it. If I had a good relationship with him, id have missed him. But I didn’t. He raged and had a go at me for a while but… I was overseas and he was powerless to do much about it. I think he eventually just accepted that was how it was going to be. He was horrendous to me at my grandfathers funeral and I didn’t talk to him for a year after that. I only spoke to him at my grandmothers insistence. As time has gone on I’ve called and text less and less often, I rarely visit home.
my mother was a lot more covert than my dad. I knew as a child there was something off with her too, but she was much better at hiding it and much, much more manipulative. Her behaviour after the death of a relative a few years ago was the eye opener I needed. I didn’t speak to her for about ayear after it happened but again, a grandparent intervened and begged me to talk to her. (If you go NC or LC be prepared for their enablers - who might be people who are good and who you love - to be weaponised against you.) I rarely go home for visits and I’ll reply to her texts occasionally but rarely answer the phone to her and I’ve got her messages on WhatsApp archived so I can chose if I want to look. Unlike with my dad, I told her why I was reducing contact. Honestly, it wasn’t worth it. She argued with me, gaslit me. As expected, took zero responsibility. She threatened to turn my brother against me.
telling them you’re cutting ties doesn’t really have much of a positive effect IME - it just enrages them and they’ll pull out all their manipulative tactics. They aren’t sad to lose you, it’s just that their ego can’t handle being rejected that way. They’ll never say sorry, never accept your decision. They’ll never accept responsibility for their part in that decision, they will try and force you to change your mind etc etc. There’s just nothing t be gained from telling them.
I dread hearing from her now because when she goes on one of her rants, it still hurts. The unfairness of it hurts bitterly. Similarly, my dad shows favouritism to my siblings (think significant cash gifts while i was left to financial struggle) as a way to hurt me. They *will* try and find a way to hurt you in retaliation.
I don’t speak with them or text them and when I do I Grey rock. I’ll send Christmas/birthday cards to appease them.
I was surprised as how little I miss either of them. I grieve frequently for the parents I never had, and feel like I’ve missed out on that loving relationship. It often makes me feel alone in the world. But I have a new family now - I’m close to my fiancé’s parents, I have solid friendships.
BUT I definitely feel happier and lighter now compared to a few years ago.
the guilt and shame I was subjected to for years, it’s hard to explain but it’s what narcs use to keep you under the thumb and they still use it against me, and it’s still something I have to battle with. I’m constantly reminding myself there’s no shame in cutting off toxic family, that I don’t owe my parents anything. I’ve felt able to open up to other people about how narcissistic my parents are, something I hid for years out of shame, which has been hugely healing for me.
so for me, it was kinda gradual for years but also prompted by an event at the same time. My life has improved since and it’s helped me start to heal.
so in summary, telling them you’re going NC will result in a huge wave of abuse IM. Going LC gradually and then maybe NC will still result in backlash but not at the same level.
I don’t think I couldve managed to go as LC as I have if I didn’t have a good support network, but when you distance yourself and have a chance to gain perspective, the manipulations and abuse because much clearer and it’s the only way to truly heal IMO.
I met a friend today who told me that every week her mum phones her up and asks her for money. I think that's so sad and I cannot imagine how it would make someone feel. She said she has had to parent her mum her whole life 
it made me think of people on this thread.
Mine was opposite and would give me money and then remind me about it every second - I'd owe her BIG time. Cannot imagine actually having to parent a parent though.
it made me think of people on this thread.Mine was opposite and would give me money and then remind me about it every second - I'd owe her BIG time. Cannot imagine actually having to parent a parent though.
My husband got into a lot of debt because of his mother. She maxed credit cards out that he agreed to take out for her. He paid her phone bill. She would text asking for money and he kept it quiet from me. I absolutely despise her and he now has no contact as he’s seen her for what she really is. She never understood what she did wrong. Vile.I met a friend today who told me that every week her mum phones her up and asks her for money. I think that's so sad and I cannot imagine how it would make someone feel. She said she has had to parent her mum her whole life
Mine was opposite and would give me money and then remind me about it every second - I'd owe her BIG time. Cannot imagine actually having to parent a parent though.
That’s awful. The worst part is, people forced to parent are made to feel guilt and shame by the narc into keeping them in this parental role. (My mother was especially bad for this). Not helping her pay her rent? What an ungrateful spoiled person you are not helping your own mother etc.I met a friend today who told me that every week her mum phones her up and asks her for money. I think that's so sad and I cannot imagine how it would make someone feel. She said she has had to parent her mum her whole life
Mine was opposite and would give me money and then remind me about it every second - I'd owe her BIG time. Cannot imagine actually having to parent a parent though.
For me, the parentification was more emotional than financial but both are damaging in their own ways. Parentification should be a form of child abuse IMO.
It robs you of any semblance of a childhood. Narcs are just black holes of people that will suck in everything and anything into the void that is their existence.
When my fiancée and I were discussing having kids for the first time, I realised I really didn’t want my mother anywhere near. Most mums lend a hand, but I realised it wouldn’t be like that for me - I knew that I’d just end up looking after her, that she’d become the centre of attention. I’ve stopped hoping it’ll change and just accepted that she’ll never be willing to step up and be a parent to me.
It’s made me very resilient and independent and capable, but I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I still lived near and had contact with my mother, and being forced to parent her. It’s like an extra milestone round your neck, and I just refused to deal with that. Life is too short. There’s something very perverse about parents expecting their kids to bankroll them, that’s just not natural.
That is so vile. I’m SO pleased to hear your husband saw the light and stepped away from that.
I never put together why I didn’t want kids of my own until I saw this on IG:
I don’t have special memories or traditions I want to recreate, I just want to end the cycle.
I’d sent her a text first thing in the morning on her birthday and sang to her later on but it was not good because I didn’t gather other people onto the call to sing. She expressed her disappointment to me lolol I’m drained. Babies don’t appeal to me, I’ve already got one pushing seventy.
I’m not hugely maternal either but I do want kids… because I think I could be a good mum. My fiancé’s niece and nephews love me, even though I’m a bit awkward and don’t always know how to interact with them. It’s different when it’s a helpless baby who loves you absolutely, (who is half the person you love most in the world), that requires your parenting - it’s different than when it’s a selfish adult who has let you down horrendously.
I love taking care of people, weirdly. Maybe it’s all down to trauma response, maybe I am empathetic and good, I dunno. I just absolutely cannot stand it with my parents, especially my mother. It’s like I’m a whole different person. If she’s sick or something and is trying to force me to parent her, it’s like I just freeze and shut down and it’s a big NOPE. But when my fiancé has the man-flu I’m bringing him tea and hot water bottles and making his favourite foods.
I have lots of worries about it don’t get me wrong, but I know the cycle ends with me. I think a lot of victims of narcissistic parents feel the same way as you, I completely get it. It makes me sad too because it’s just one other thing the narc parent has robbed them of, that choice to consider kids without fear. I really hope one day I have adult kids of my own, and they have a good relationship with me and enjoy spending time with me, and I hope I’m able to tell them how different their childhood was to mine. I hope they happy to say I’m a good mother, and that they are happy and secure, confident people who haven’t had to unpack years of trauma like I’m doing.
There’s a lot of joy to be had from selflessly caring for others and it’s just one extra sin they’ve committed, that narcs rob the kids they parentified of the ability to be able to experience that joy IMO.
