Wow wow wow wow WOW. I read your first paragraph and thought god that sounds like me, then as I continued to read I kept bobbing my head. The resemblance to my life and family situation is remarkable. I've said in a previous comment I have had to remark to my sibling that we do not have the same parents as when we speak, it is as though we are speaking about completely different people.Does anyone have experience with a covert narcissistic mother?
I'm beginning to think that's what my mother is. I've been told all my life how lovely, sweet, kind, "typical mammy" my mother is. She is obsessed by status and the image of things - she loves to tell me what girls I went to school with literally 20+ years ago are up to, who got married, who had a baby, who has prestigious job somewhere, etc. How brilliant my cousins are. What my doctor sister is up to. All without ever expressing an iota of interest in me and my life, or even knowing the very basics - what I do in my job, who my friends are, what my interests are.
My family is complicated by an older sibling's illness, he has a severe debilitating mental health disorder with psychosis, all of which came to fruition when we were teenagers in a really traumatic way. Looking back now I can see how traumatized I was, but my mother would blame me at the time for being an angry, moody teen, who "didn't want any help" until I basically fled as soon as I could after school and built my life abroad. Since then I've been accidentally (or maybe not) low contact with my mother but I'm also realising she very rarely called, NEVER visited me in college or post college in the various cities I lived in, it was like an "out of sight out of mind" thing while she became enmeshed with my younger sister, who is a doctor now and provides her with so much supply.
Said sister was a bridemaid at my wedding a few years ago, and it struck me how she talks about my mother as if she's talking about an entirely different person to the woman I call my mother. She talked about how "amazing" my mother was, how we "had to" include my mother in the dress shopping, hen, etc, how *excited* my mother was about the wedding. Meanwhile, my mother barely congratulated me on getting engaged, asked no questions about the wedding and only criticized the information she did get E.G she complained relentlessly about our decision to not get married in a church despite neither of us being religious, etc. My mother called MY SISTER while we were dress shopping to wish us a good day, instead of me.
So I have this mother who is deeply enmeshed with the sibling that is most similar to her, to the point of knowing who she is dating, how stressed her job is making her, what she had for breakfast, etc. Another sibling who is in her full-time care as he is now special needs. And then me - the child she never calls, never texts, knows nothing but the basics about, loves to judge, criticize and I have to keep on an information diet because any personal information she gets will be gossiped about. Who cared more about her siblings enjoying my wedding than the well-being of me, her actual daughter.
And who loves to tell all her relatives how "independent" I am.
What do we call a mother like this? Can anyone relate?
Parents mind and siblings his kids. They haven't met one of my kids & hasn't seen another in about 8 months. My kids don't know their grandparents.If sibling is busy or has something on they'll do their garden, flower beds, cut grass. Last summer NF built one of kids a tree house from scratch- it looks like something Stacey solemn had done recently.
Like you, they could not name any of my friends, my interests or hobbies. Yet could do this for my sibling. They know nothing about my life or job
So much so, they asked me a question about a role I did 4-5 years ago when they were in company of their friends and I laughed and said I didn't do that any more!
Never call, even when I have been very critically ill over the past year and also a child very sick since Xmas with multiple hospital & a&e visits. Im laughing as I type this- they booked a last minute holiday to Tenerife!!! So I'm in a&e with my child (very serious situation, high dependency unit of hospital) and my parents are on Google looking up holidays
![Face with tears of joy :joy: 😂](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/gh/joypixels/emoji-assets@5.0/png/64/1f602.png)
![Face with tears of joy :joy: 😂](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/gh/joypixels/emoji-assets@5.0/png/64/1f602.png)
![Face with tears of joy :joy: 😂](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/gh/joypixels/emoji-assets@5.0/png/64/1f602.png)
I'm also up to date on everyone I went to junior school with 20/25 years ago!! Could probably tell you their kids names & also tell you "Janice from the village died last Sunday of a heart attack" no I dont know Janice & no I don't care!
Sending you solidarity and love. You're not alone! Xx