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The truth is that as a child of narcissistic parents, you never get over it.
You spend your life feeling unworthy, fat, stupid, selfish, whatever….
AND IT IS NOT TRUE!
But you still feel useless, insecure, being a people pleaser…
It takes years to realise it’s them, not you.
They are the stupid ones, jealous of you, the only way they can feel good is to put you down.
Nothing you do is good enough. Get a grade A in an exam…why didn’t you get an A*. That perfume you bought for Christmas and paid a fortune for it, her friend’s daughter bought a better more expensive one. You will never ever win.
It’s taken me most of a lifetime to come to terms with this.
You can’t win.
But you can just shrug and smile. Or walk away.
Or, come on here and have a good old moan.
We can’t make it better, but we can listen. Xx
You spend your life feeling unworthy, fat, stupid, selfish, whatever….
AND IT IS NOT TRUE!
But you still feel useless, insecure, being a people pleaser…
It takes years to realise it’s them, not you.
They are the stupid ones, jealous of you, the only way they can feel good is to put you down.
Nothing you do is good enough. Get a grade A in an exam…why didn’t you get an A*. That perfume you bought for Christmas and paid a fortune for it, her friend’s daughter bought a better more expensive one. You will never ever win.
It’s taken me most of a lifetime to come to terms with this.
You can’t win.
But you can just shrug and smile. Or walk away.
Or, come on here and have a good old moan.
We can’t make it better, but we can listen. Xx
If you can, cut your contact down to the minimum, and eventually zero. You can’t change the way your parents behave, but you can change your behaviour. It took me many years to realise this about my own mother. I have the minimum contact with her and my mental health has improved greatly. I’m not going to go no contact because she has a terminal illness and doesn’t have long left. I had hoped when she was diagnosed that there would be a transformation in her, but she is exactly the same. Look after yourself.Not sure if I’m in the right place but I need advice.
For reference I am 29 with my own family and house.
The past few years both my parents have made passing comments about my weight, calling me ‘fats’ when they are trying to get my attention in a conversation instead of using my name, or they are calling me ‘Miss trunchbull’.
I have always asked them not to but never seemed to work, I cut them off around 2 years ago as a few other things went on, around 3 months ago I got back in contact due to family emergency, we are all back on track but I’ve noticed the name calling is happening again, they laugh when saying it and it seems to roll off the tongue like it’s fine.
last week I snapped and asked them to stop has it really got to my confidence has I struggle with my weight (I am 14st) when I asked them to stop, my mum tried to turn it on me by saying I was being sensitive and she can’t have a joke with me, I explained that I didn’t see it has a joke and that I clearly asked them to stop, my mum and dad went in a petty mood and said ‘we just won’t speak to you then if you can’t take a joke’.
Yesterday I was walking out of my front garden when my dad pulled up and asked if I wanted to be taken to work, I said ok and got in. The first thing my mum said to me was ‘you need to mow the lawn’ I kindly responded with ‘it fine for today, I am busy, I’ll do it when I’ve got time’ (my lawn is less then an inch tall, so does not need to be done deliberately) my mum didn’t stop, she kept telling me that it was a nice day and that it needed doing, so I made a passing comment and said ‘if it’s that bad, you do it then’ my mum and dad then said that they couldn’t has they were going to mow my sisters lawn. I simply replied and said that they need to stop constantly telling me to do this and do that then in the next breath they are going to my sisters house and cleaning, mowing, dressing my nephews. Everything you could imagine my sister should be doing, my parents do it for her and for no reason, she is capable just lazy. My mum and dad then turned it into a big problem and said that I was yet again being sensitive.
It then went on to me asking why they’ve never been in my house but always go to my sisters house who lives less then 2 minutes away from mine, I told them I feel singled out and picked on like I’m back at school, they keep telling me I’m being sensitive and not taking a joke and that I always bring my sister into it and tbf I do because I am jealous that my sister gets to be what she wants and do what she wants but I can never seem to do anything right. I work my butt off and provide for my own little family, I prioritise everyone to make sure they are happy, so why do I not get this in return?
my son asked his grandma if he could stay over at the weekend, he was told no because they are having my sisters two over for 5 days because she and her husband are going to a festival. My mum and dad have already said they have plans to go to my sisters house and clean because it is like a dump! Yet they are on my case over a bit of grass! Telling me I’m lazy and get out of breath quick that’s why Its not been done. I feel like walking away again but simply can not bring myself to do it again, I would do anything for a loving bond between me and my parents because that’s the type of person I am, but why do I feel like I’m not getting anything in return.
please can I have advice or if you’ve been in similar situations please could you tell me what helped you.
Don't think I've ever related so much to the messages wrote on this thread xx
After reading all your stories I think I am lucky that me moving out, just becoming an independent adult, was not well received and NM cut me off. I guess she expected me to fail because apologising for the way I left didn't appease her. Sad thing is I still wonder if I did things differently would it have changed the outcome but deep down I know it wouldn't.
I'm so sorry to read your experience, I'm afraid it won't change so I would always recommend what I did and distance yourself and cut contact. You don't need people like that in your life, even if they are your parents. Learn to grey rock, it's amazing how it gives you control when you have to see them but you will still be critised for being cold. They know it upsetting you. Stand up, chin up, you have us here to support you and I promise you will feel better. Sending lots of love xxxNot sure if I’m in the right place but I need advice.
For reference I am 29 with my own family and house.
The past few years both my parents have made passing comments about my weight, calling me ‘fats’ when they are trying to get my attention in a conversation instead of using my name, or they are calling me ‘Miss trunchbull’.
I have always asked them not to but never seemed to work, I cut them off around 2 years ago as a few other things went on, around 3 months ago I got back in contact due to family emergency, we are all back on track but I’ve noticed the name calling is happening again, they laugh when saying it and it seems to roll off the tongue like it’s fine.
last week I snapped and asked them to stop has it really got to my confidence has I struggle with my weight (I am 14st) when I asked them to stop, my mum tried to turn it on me by saying I was being sensitive and she can’t have a joke with me, I explained that I didn’t see it has a joke and that I clearly asked them to stop, my mum and dad went in a petty mood and said ‘we just won’t speak to you then if you can’t take a joke’.
Yesterday I was walking out of my front garden when my dad pulled up and asked if I wanted to be taken to work, I said ok and got in. The first thing my mum said to me was ‘you need to mow the lawn’ I kindly responded with ‘it fine for today, I am busy, I’ll do it when I’ve got time’ (my lawn is less then an inch tall, so does not need to be done deliberately) my mum didn’t stop, she kept telling me that it was a nice day and that it needed doing, so I made a passing comment and said ‘if it’s that bad, you do it then’ my mum and dad then said that they couldn’t has they were going to mow my sisters lawn. I simply replied and said that they need to stop constantly telling me to do this and do that then in the next breath they are going to my sisters house and cleaning, mowing, dressing my nephews. Everything you could imagine my sister should be doing, my parents do it for her and for no reason, she is capable just lazy. My mum and dad then turned it into a big problem and said that I was yet again being sensitive.
It then went on to me asking why they’ve never been in my house but always go to my sisters house who lives less then 2 minutes away from mine, I told them I feel singled out and picked on like I’m back at school, they keep telling me I’m being sensitive and not taking a joke and that I always bring my sister into it and tbf I do because I am jealous that my sister gets to be what she wants and do what she wants but I can never seem to do anything right. I work my butt off and provide for my own little family, I prioritise everyone to make sure they are happy, so why do I not get this in return?
my son asked his grandma if he could stay over at the weekend, he was told no because they are having my sisters two over for 5 days because she and her husband are going to a festival. My mum and dad have already said they have plans to go to my sisters house and clean because it is like a dump! Yet they are on my case over a bit of grass! Telling me I’m lazy and get out of breath quick that’s why Its not been done. I feel like walking away again but simply can not bring myself to do it again, I would do anything for a loving bond between me and my parents because that’s the type of person I am, but why do I feel like I’m not getting anything in return.
please can I have advice or if you’ve been in similar situations please could you tell me what helped you.
Reading this thread has opened my eyes to so much & also made me feel less alone so thank you everyone. I've put up with behaviour for years, but only since becoming a parent a few years ago really mad me re-access my past & question Alot from my childhood.
As an adult I now relate to Alot of the behaviour people speak about on this thread - the one about the gardening & parents comments, the comment someone said about grieving a relationship you wish you had. Very much resonated wit me.
It's so incredibly difficult, I've gotten better in the past year of restricting contact and setting boundaries. But sometimes even setting boundaries they continue to push & want things on their terms. I could say something as basic as "only morning time suits to call over" as kids are napping/kids activities/I've plans-whatever. They will respond with I'm being so difficult & they can only come over on my terms & schedule!! Common sense, if you want to see the kids you need to come when we are here or when they are awake! That's not me being difficult!!!
I've gotten better in the past year of restricting contact, where I have blocked them from calling me and also locked chats on WhatsApp so when they message me it does not appear as an alert or I see it. If I go looking I'll see message, but it doesn't cause as much anxiety when it see it pop up on my screen . I would recommend this for anyone limiting contact
Is there anyone here who has ceased contact & regretted it- due to health/family member dieing etc?
As an adult I now relate to Alot of the behaviour people speak about on this thread - the one about the gardening & parents comments, the comment someone said about grieving a relationship you wish you had. Very much resonated wit me.
It's so incredibly difficult, I've gotten better in the past year of restricting contact and setting boundaries. But sometimes even setting boundaries they continue to push & want things on their terms. I could say something as basic as "only morning time suits to call over" as kids are napping/kids activities/I've plans-whatever. They will respond with I'm being so difficult & they can only come over on my terms & schedule!! Common sense, if you want to see the kids you need to come when we are here or when they are awake! That's not me being difficult!!!
I've gotten better in the past year of restricting contact, where I have blocked them from calling me and also locked chats on WhatsApp so when they message me it does not appear as an alert or I see it. If I go looking I'll see message, but it doesn't cause as much anxiety when it see it pop up on my screen . I would recommend this for anyone limiting contact
Is there anyone here who has ceased contact & regretted it- due to health/family member dieing etc?
My mum has Alzheimer's dementia, I can't see her because she is so lovely now, kind and happy, her memories and spite and cruelty have gone. But it tears me up for days after, weeks after. She has lots of my family that visit her, all who she would of chosen over me in normal times. Care staff fuss over her but I just can't forgive her treatment of me and my children. I'm told I'll regret it but no I won't, nobody else understands what she did, what she said, how she ridiculed me to my cousin when I was struggling with my baby instead of helping. She was awful and cruel to her own daughter. I will never know what I did wrong, other than be born
Resonates with me so much, preferring time with others than me. Even speaking about it, it stings and upsets me. I was very ill over past year and no help or reach out, which resulted in me cutting and limiting contact! It's difficult as I've never done this before to them. But I'm mentally much better for it. That " you're never good enough" feeling. My garden is never weeded the way my NM would do it, doesn't like my hair, most recently it's been my eyebrows(I've had the same tattooed eyebrows for 11 years literally ZERO done to them) comments on my clothes, I'm too big, I'm too small, I'm too busy, I don't spend enough time at home, I dont exercise, I dont exercise enough. The list is endless and it's emotionally exhausting.
For me what’s also sad is that my parents completely undervalue my professional achievements. Always making petty jokes here and there, saying I only delegate tasks etc (well yes I work for 10 years and manage an entire team) and saying it is not a “real” specialised job (it’s consulting so lots of different clients/industries). My brother is the golden child, can do no wrong. It’s exhausting since I shouldn’t need their approval, they just actually don’t really understand what I do (but also don’t bother asking) but I know I’ve done very well for myself, live abroad and have 2 kids, family etc but it’s still always a thought and disappointment in the back of my head
My narc parent doesn't even know what I do for a living. Never bothered to ask. But one of the complaints he had against me was that I wasn't interested enough in HIS life! I don't ask enough questions about HIM! I am so done with all that BS.
Looking for tips on how you all deal with or cope with narcissist parent/parents. What are your coping strategies, how do you hold boundaries etc
You don’t. You can’t. You put up with it.
You try and please them and nothing works.
Then one day you realise that you can’t win.
Then you learn to walk away when they are being unreasonable. But it takes time.
And then you realise that you are a good person. You are not a stupid failure.
They are the bad ones, not you.
This. One day it just hits you. You will never ever win. Some people are wired to think only one way - their way. Deep down it’s a massive insecurity that manifests into a veiled hatred of almost everything. It’s a control thing. It’s so many things that are all negative. And yet they can find a way to treat the golden child ( or even complete strangers??) with kindness.
This has always baffled me.
I regularly get lectures off of my sibling(golden child) for limiting/trying to cut contact with parents and I have to remind them we do not have the same parents. We are treated completely differently!!!
Sending love to all those with narcissistic dads on fathers day. Im trying hard to stop myself sending a message to my dad today. I just wish things had been so different for me. I'm comforted by others who share their stories. I don't feel as alone
Ugh! I hate this day. After everything he's done, and even though he happily ignores my birthday, I still feel guilty about being NC. 
I am six years into my healing journey from my toxic family. Healing is definitely not linear and while I am much healthier than I was its probably going to be a lifelong journey of healing.
I definitely got better after my Dad passed. He died by suicide. He was incredibly cruel to me and bullied me my whole life, even well into my mid 30s as a married woman.
Going no contact is the most dangerous time to leave as they will ramp up the abuse and try to ruin your life.
One thing we have to do is let go of our egos and know that it does not matter what people think of us, we steer our own ship in life and in my own opinion, no contact is the only way to get rid of them. They will never stop bullying or change.
I feel the reason my dad bullied me is because his mum bullied him and controlled his life and he could never stand up to her, so he took his anger out on me.
He taught all my siblings, aunties and uncles and family friends that it was ok to bully me and I was the emotional punchbag. I dreamed of the day I could escape them all.
I did eventually and I wake up proud of myself everyday.
His mum quite literally sucked the life out of him until he couldn't do it anymore. She ruined all her childrens lives. She tried to abuse my husband but I protected him she never saw him again until my dads funeral, started making up lies about him.
If I did not put my boundaries in I can tell you now I would either be dead myself or my marriage would have ended from the stress of them.
Dads mum tried to get into my front door to bully me after he died but I didnt answer the door. She got the message loud and clear from that.
I live a peaceful life noe after a lifetime of abuse, it can be done, you just have to leave them all behind and be brave and start a new life..wishing you all strength love and peace.
I definitely got better after my Dad passed. He died by suicide. He was incredibly cruel to me and bullied me my whole life, even well into my mid 30s as a married woman.
Going no contact is the most dangerous time to leave as they will ramp up the abuse and try to ruin your life.
One thing we have to do is let go of our egos and know that it does not matter what people think of us, we steer our own ship in life and in my own opinion, no contact is the only way to get rid of them. They will never stop bullying or change.
I feel the reason my dad bullied me is because his mum bullied him and controlled his life and he could never stand up to her, so he took his anger out on me.
He taught all my siblings, aunties and uncles and family friends that it was ok to bully me and I was the emotional punchbag. I dreamed of the day I could escape them all.
I did eventually and I wake up proud of myself everyday.
His mum quite literally sucked the life out of him until he couldn't do it anymore. She ruined all her childrens lives. She tried to abuse my husband but I protected him she never saw him again until my dads funeral, started making up lies about him.
If I did not put my boundaries in I can tell you now I would either be dead myself or my marriage would have ended from the stress of them.
Dads mum tried to get into my front door to bully me after he died but I didnt answer the door. She got the message loud and clear from that.
I live a peaceful life noe after a lifetime of abuse, it can be done, you just have to leave them all behind and be brave and start a new life..wishing you all strength love and peace.
Does anyone have experience with a covert narcissistic mother?
I'm beginning to think that's what my mother is. I've been told all my life how lovely, sweet, kind, "typical mammy" my mother is. She is obsessed by status and the image of things - she loves to tell me what girls I went to school with literally 20+ years ago are up to, who got married, who had a baby, who has prestigious job somewhere, etc. How brilliant my cousins are. What my doctor sister is up to. All without ever expressing an iota of interest in me and my life, or even knowing the very basics - what I do in my job, who my friends are, what my interests are.
My family is complicated by an older sibling's illness, he has a severe debilitating mental health disorder with psychosis, all of which came to fruition when we were teenagers in a really traumatic way. Looking back now I can see how traumatized I was, but my mother would blame me at the time for being an angry, moody teen, who "didn't want any help" until I basically fled as soon as I could after school and built my life abroad. Since then I've been accidentally (or maybe not) low contact with my mother but I'm also realising she very rarely called, NEVER visited me in college or post college in the various cities I lived in, it was like an "out of sight out of mind" thing while she became enmeshed with my younger sister, who is a doctor now and provides her with so much supply.
Said sister was a bridemaid at my wedding a few years ago, and it struck me how she talks about my mother as if she's talking about an entirely different person to the woman I call my mother. She talked about how "amazing" my mother was, how we "had to" include my mother in the dress shopping, hen, etc, how *excited* my mother was about the wedding. Meanwhile, my mother barely congratulated me on getting engaged, asked no questions about the wedding and only criticized the information she did get E.G she complained relentlessly about our decision to not get married in a church despite neither of us being religious, etc. My mother called MY SISTER while we were dress shopping to wish us a good day, instead of me.
So I have this mother who is deeply enmeshed with the sibling that is most similar to her, to the point of knowing who she is dating, how stressed her job is making her, what she had for breakfast, etc. Another sibling who is in her full-time care as he is now special needs. And then me - the child she never calls, never texts, knows nothing but the basics about, loves to judge, criticize and I have to keep on an information diet because any personal information she gets will be gossiped about. Who cared more about her siblings enjoying my wedding than the well-being of me, her actual daughter.
And who loves to tell all her relatives how "independent" I am.
What do we call a mother like this? Can anyone relate?
I'm beginning to think that's what my mother is. I've been told all my life how lovely, sweet, kind, "typical mammy" my mother is. She is obsessed by status and the image of things - she loves to tell me what girls I went to school with literally 20+ years ago are up to, who got married, who had a baby, who has prestigious job somewhere, etc. How brilliant my cousins are. What my doctor sister is up to. All without ever expressing an iota of interest in me and my life, or even knowing the very basics - what I do in my job, who my friends are, what my interests are.
My family is complicated by an older sibling's illness, he has a severe debilitating mental health disorder with psychosis, all of which came to fruition when we were teenagers in a really traumatic way. Looking back now I can see how traumatized I was, but my mother would blame me at the time for being an angry, moody teen, who "didn't want any help" until I basically fled as soon as I could after school and built my life abroad. Since then I've been accidentally (or maybe not) low contact with my mother but I'm also realising she very rarely called, NEVER visited me in college or post college in the various cities I lived in, it was like an "out of sight out of mind" thing while she became enmeshed with my younger sister, who is a doctor now and provides her with so much supply.
Said sister was a bridemaid at my wedding a few years ago, and it struck me how she talks about my mother as if she's talking about an entirely different person to the woman I call my mother. She talked about how "amazing" my mother was, how we "had to" include my mother in the dress shopping, hen, etc, how *excited* my mother was about the wedding. Meanwhile, my mother barely congratulated me on getting engaged, asked no questions about the wedding and only criticized the information she did get E.G she complained relentlessly about our decision to not get married in a church despite neither of us being religious, etc. My mother called MY SISTER while we were dress shopping to wish us a good day, instead of me.
So I have this mother who is deeply enmeshed with the sibling that is most similar to her, to the point of knowing who she is dating, how stressed her job is making her, what she had for breakfast, etc. Another sibling who is in her full-time care as he is now special needs. And then me - the child she never calls, never texts, knows nothing but the basics about, loves to judge, criticize and I have to keep on an information diet because any personal information she gets will be gossiped about. Who cared more about her siblings enjoying my wedding than the well-being of me, her actual daughter.
And who loves to tell all her relatives how "independent" I am.
What do we call a mother like this? Can anyone relate?
We call them cut off. Your mother sounds very similar to mine. Enmeshed with sister, weird about my brother, triangulated all of us I imagine. The only way was to cut her out. They like the attention of talking about you but there’s no care. Mine wouldn’t visit me in hospital at first (I nearly died) but according to a friend of hers she was SO WORRIED. Shame that didn’t translate into perceptible actions eh!?
I really feel for you as really they don’t like anyone.