I’ve been happily NC for 6 years but I’m getting alllll the guilt trips now because she’s in hospital. My sister is a saint because she’s looking after them both, and I’m heartless because I’m not falling for all the “only one mum” nonsense. It’s a small town and everyone I bump into has an opinion on it. Ironically, she’s spent her whole life trying to get diagnosed with something serious and get into hospital, she’ll be loving it!
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Don't let anyone guilt trip you, they have no idea what you've been through, my 'dad' died last year, I have no feelings about him at all x
The feeling of having to cut off parent/s is bad enough never mind having to think about how other family members etc may view things. For a while I went no contact with my grandparents because I thought they would take my narcs side when I caused an issue by wanting to move out of the family home.
Their opinions don't matter - I bet the people in your town if they "know" anything it's your mum's side of the story, and we all know how narc parents like to paint a picture that they were perfect parents but their children decided to cut them off for no reason.
Are any of you the side of NP being deceased? I'm slowly going NC but regularly worry about the future funeral, the will & having to go through all that. Id rather cut ties and remove myself from any inheritance I'm due. I don't want their money or to purchase anything with money left to me!
I'm the opposite, I will take every penny I'm legally entitled to! I see it as compensation for all the absolute s**t and misery they put me through.
I already lost one parent and narc parent (they were divorced and had nothing to do with each other) told me "not to bother traveling to the funeral, it's a waste of time". So i will be taking their own advice when the time comes for their funeral!
Are you still entitled to inherit any money once they pass if you're not in their will though?
I don't know about anyone else, but my narc mother would use it as a bargaining chip for my time and access to information about me. Like "why should I include you in my will when you never see me / don't contact me etc?"
I'd rather be free of her and not receive a penny when she dies than have some sort of obligation to keep in touch to be entitled to anything in her will.
I know for a fact that there is no will so yes I would be entitled to something. But I also do know it won't be a lot since a lot of the assets have already been funneled to my golden child sibling and are already in his name.
My mother tried to use the “if you don’t do what I want, I’m changing my will routine “. I said it was her money and to do what she wanted with it. She was shocked.
She is now in hospital (probably won’t leave), siblings are pressuring about visiting. I really don’t want to go there, she still has the same attitude towards me.
Fair enough. A few years ago my mum was asking for my address so she could put it in her will but it felt like she was just using it as a way to find out more about me.
Used as a bargaining chip. YES!!!
And also the "and all I've ever done for you". I paid my own way through life. Working to get my own pocket money from the age of 13, baby sitting and doing stuff for neighbours and saving money. Paid all my own university fees and still asked to pay rent at home even though I had to tidy, do my own washing, buy my own groceries & pay my own bills!!!
Meanwhile golden child spent their money on clothes & nights out while NPs paid for their uni fees & accommodation!!
Used as a bargaining chip. YES!!!
And also the "and all I've ever done for you". I paid my own way through life. Working to get my own pocket money from the age of 13, baby sitting and doing stuff for neighbours and saving money. Paid all my own university fees and still asked to pay rent at home even though I had to tidy, do my own washing, buy my own groceries & pay my own bills!!!
Meanwhile golden child spent their money on clothes & nights out while NPs paid for their uni fees & accommodation!!
Haha yes, they act as if you owe them something for them being a parent to you, as if you appeared on their doorstep, not that they made a conscious decision to have you.
"Look I decided to clothe you and feed you why can't you recognise how amazing I am and that I should have access to you at all times regardless of how I treat you because we're FAMILY".
Starting to cut them out has been the best thing for me and my mental health. I do still find it hard for my kids, but as we all keep saying we are grieving a relationship that doesn't exist.
Thank you ranting thread for recommending this one. I left home at 16 have had NC try to make effort but it's wasted she just talks to me as if nothing ever happened and our relationship is great and I'm too awkward to bring it all up
What are your relationships like with your siblings?
I'm made out as if I'm the problem, cutting my parents out is "hurtful to them" "after all that they have done for us". If I don't text back or answer calls from sibling immediately or within days, I'm bombarded with messages of "are you ok" & "this is not normal behaviour". Or this most recent classic has been "I'm just checking you're ok as this is not normal, my message only comes from a place of love."
How many different ways can you say f*ck off?!?
I'm made out as if I'm the problem, cutting my parents out is "hurtful to them" "after all that they have done for us". If I don't text back or answer calls from sibling immediately or within days, I'm bombarded with messages of "are you ok" & "this is not normal behaviour". Or this most recent classic has been "I'm just checking you're ok as this is not normal, my message only comes from a place of love."
How many different ways can you say f*ck off?!?
I'm ignored by my parents and brother. It's like I don't exist. I don't know what's worse to be honest. I'm just not worthwhile to them. But I am to my husband and 2 kids and that's what is important.
I too am thinking about the funerals and inheritance. I hope this thread is still going then as I may need your help
I too am thinking about the funerals and inheritance. I hope this thread is still going then as I may need your help
You may not come from a loving family unit but you are breaking the cycle by building one of your own which takes courage, compassion and love. You’re giving to your kids what you never had! Saying to you what I often need to hear myself
xxI have a good relationship with my brother now but it wasn't always so. When I was a lot younger and had just left the home and wasn't coming back he'd often contact me asking when I was coming home and calling me a "witch" because I was making my mum cry.
She focused her abuse on him after I left though and within a year or so he left. We're both well into our thirties and whenever someone asks about it he just says "she was really horrible to my sister."
It's harder when they're still under their parents manipulation or did not have the same experience as you if they were the "golden child". Please don't let that invalidate your experience though. Have as much or as little contact with them as you feel comfortable with to protect your peace.
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As an aside I have just started listening to "Adult survivors of emotionally abusive parents" by Sherrie Campbell and although I'm only a couple of hours into it, it has made me feel so heard. I find myself nodding along and everything she says she has experienced I have too in one form or another.
I have a half sister funny enough who her dad got full custody of as a kid and I never really saw. Doesn't have a bond with our mum but it hurts me that I don't have a bond with her either
What we say to eachother is very much what we want to believe ourselves. Hearing your words of comfort have really helped me tonight, thank you. Sending you love too xxYou may not come from a loving family unit but you are breaking the cycle by building one of your own which takes courage, compassion and love. You’re giving to your kids what you never had! Saying to you what I often need to hear myself