Mumsnet #36 My mum died when a fat midwife fell on her so we moved to France

[Itchy of Itchington]

I’m in Scotland so none of your gold star shite. It’s all about their “human rights” and “rights of the child”.

Your PFB will announce “you can’t tell me what to do, I am the boss of my own body”.

Aye hen. Now put your fucking shoes on and get in the car because me and santie are on first name terms.

Not in Scotland and my child does this. "I decide what happens to my body and I decided I didn't want a bath". Ok and I decided that seeing as I bought that iPad I'm not letting you have it.

 

[50degreesnorth]

I use a secret ingredient when I do Italian. Basil. Few people have heard of it.

 

[CrimsonCountess]

I reckon SweetSummerChild22 is secretly desperate for a code

 

[50degreesnorth]

Just as well Noddy found us really. If she’d stayed over there any longer she’d have just alluded to it all “I had a brief affair with a famous sportsman (think sport) and he was well-endowed”.

Over here in the filth pit she’s named him and said he knocked her cervix into the middle of next week. Nicely done.

 

[orangehead]

'Am I normal down there' poster has come back and resurrected her thread to remind people to be kind to those who post their growlers on the internet
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My uncle died, here’s a photo of my fanny.

Mumsnet shouldn’t allow it, it’s not good for the poster to be able to post those things, and it’s not good for the site, like the previous poster says it attracts perverts. Posts like that should be taken down immediately with a redirect to mental health charities and the nhs helpline, not allowed to run.

 

[Geetbo]

My DH collects Pokemon cards the sad bastard. Almost wish he was a cyclist.

 

[LilyPond]

Back to fannies. There is a thread in Sporners Corner (and we're disgusting?). Where someone has posted a picture of her stubbly foof with an ingrown hair.

This comment made me laugh out loud. Is it too soon to suggest " we didn't need to see your clam" as a thread title?

 

[Serene Serena]

My DH collects Pokemon cards the sad bastard. Almost wish he was a cyclist.

A man should never wear lycra. I know that's sexist and I'm sure the reason for skin tight neon clothing is something to do with the efficiency of cycling or something, but it's just wrong. I cycle my old lady bike (with a basket for the dog on the front) along the prom to work and regularly encounter yellow spectacle wearing lycra clad skinny men, who either zoom past me or head towards me, making me move out of the way. They throw their empty sachets of energy gel onto the floor. A friend of mine got knocked down by one and he didn't even stop. It's a shared walkway and cycle path. I don't like men who cycle as a hobby. Not the ones who cycle near me anyway. Cunts, they are.

 

[repairshoplover]

I always find it funny that they criticise Tattle and Reddit, but miss the point that they are on Mumsnet which is essentially the same thing… a forum where opinions get shared. Mumsnet used to revel in their nest of vipers reputation when telling people to fuck off back to Netmums!

Then you get the randomer who is “can I get a tattle code” as they realise they can see their people

 

[Miss Begotten]

I want some of what they've had....

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Ehhh. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night to see a man running across my bedroom. It was Mr B on his way to the loo. I put his jolly and jovial demeanour down to the fact he’d been to the pub and was completely wankered.

 

[bread-pitt]

The weight threads are a mixture of dangerous, almost cyber-bullying, where people are being told that anything over a size 8 is monstrously obese; and totally made-up nonsense. Most of them are more Dawn French than size French.

Me, I’m an American so there’s no hope for me. We are born with a season pass to the drive-thru, of course. I’m now size Walmart since we moved to Florida. In California there was no Walmart within 75 miles of us. Now it’s 5 minutes door to door. Oh the joy! I feel I’ve died and gone to heaven.

 

[ShopTilYouSlop]

Some suggestions on a thread asking what to wear for relaxed dinner and drinks on a first date

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It got a bit bitchy as usual, and then a man felt the need to come along and tell op to wear close fitting clothes, then gave his weird anecdote about leather causing havoc

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Oh God he's an overweight and jowly middle manager called Gavin who thinks a couple of pissed theme nights at uni 30 odd years ago make him cool and wild forever. Can't you just tell? Ooh, I hinted that I once had a partner who wore leather, aren't I so risqué? Fuck off back to Gardeners World, Gavin.

 

[Amoo]

Ringo Starr called me darling once. I think he probably called everyone darling. No idea about his dick though.

I wonder if Ringo has ever done his Thomas the Tank Engine narration during sex.

"Choof, choof, choof, went the engine, into the tunnel."

 

[CatCafe234]

16 a day. I think those family sized trifles are supposed to be shared with your extended family - not just you and your favourite spoon*.

* We all have one.

Back in the 90s, my partner ‘borrowed‘ a stamped teaspoon from an Air Europe flight and it‘s his favourite spoon. It’s survived through numerous house moves and has a special place in the drawer, and god forbid if it’s missing. A few years ago I took it to work in my lunchbox and actually got texts about it being missing. I think I’ve only just been forgiven.

 

[Kikini Bamalam]

i genuinely thought I’d mentioned that already but realised it was a different thread. Is now the time to drop into conversation that my FWB was in one of the biggest TV shows of all time? (Think dragons)

omg not Theo Paphitis

 

[VC10]

They’re code begging again.
Nobody with any sense is going to give them one.

Nor a code, either

 

[CatCafe234]

My uncle died, here’s a photo of my fanny.

It‘s what he would have wanted …

 

[Archduchess of Luxembourg]

And yet we know the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their’.

I was just coming to make the exact same comment because I have literally nothing else going on in my life.

 

[ButtonDownTheHutches]

I’ve bought that meal deal as well. And me and my husband are both in our 30s. And both men, so could both post about our greedy bastard husbands and cause some kind of glitch in the mumsnet hivemind.

You’ve got the makings of both a ‘greedy husband’ thread and a ‘gay husband’ thread right there. This is MN gold.

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

I'm a perfect MN size - 6-8.

Unfortunately, that's my feet and the shoe size I buy to be able to fit the orthotics in, but it still counts, doesn't it?