Money in relationships

[bolimepipi]

we are not married nor do we have children, however we live together (as tenants) and we have a cat together we don't have a joint account, we have our own accounts. when we had just started our relationship, i was earning much more and i was paying for pretty much everything. he moved countries for me (twice) so there was a time where he just wasn't in the position to contribute. since covid, he is earning more than me and he pays for almost everything. it has all balanced out in a way where no one feels guilty, let's say it like that. when we go grocery shopping, it's just a matter of who pulls out the card faster and we still have those little arguments when we're getting coffee or something ''i'll pay'' ''noooo i'll pay'' my parents never had a joint account, but after reading through this (very interesting) thread, i think we might do the joint account while keeping own accounts, i quite like it.

 

[MagicCat]

Joint bank account for bills, each put the same amount each month.
We each have our own bank accounts too, which if we want something we use our own money.

 

[disneys]

we are not married nor do we have children, however we live together (as tenants) and we have a cat together we don't have a joint account, we have our own accounts. when we had just started our relationship, i was earning much more and i was paying for pretty much everything. he moved countries for me (twice) so there was a time where he just wasn't in the position to contribute. since covid, he is earning more than me and he pays for almost everything. it has all balanced out in a way where no one feels guilty, let's say it like that. when we go grocery shopping, it's just a matter of who pulls out the card faster and we still have those little arguments when we're getting coffee or something ''i'll pay'' ''noooo i'll pay'' my parents never had a joint account, but after reading through this (very interesting) thread, i think we might do the joint account while keeping own accounts, i quite like it.

i find a joint account a really great way to manage bills , that way you can also both see what’s going out and how much everything costs ! we have what I call a hybrid system and we never argue about money

 

[Raininvain]

I think say if you inherit or have a large amount of money that's yours, then it should never go near a joint account. My friends Dad stole 70K off her Mum from an old joint account. She just went to the bank one day and it was gone!

 

[Inforapenny]

We're married.
We currently have a joint account for all bills which comes out of our bank account respectively. My husband earns x2.5 more than me so we split bills according to % of earnings.
We have another joint account for our savings that we put money into
But we have separate accounts for all our own money.
Holidays and extras we split 50/50
My husband is generous though with dates and meals.
He'll also treat me to things. I'm lucky.
I'm tight with money. He was terrible when I first met him, in debt and crap with saving.
He's now brilliant with money and proud of his savings and I've learnt to relax a little.
We're definitely on the same wavelength and this took a bit of time when we first met.

 

[Definitelyme]

This thread is fascinating! Always interesting to see how others do things.

We have been married for 10 yrs, 3 (almost 4) kids, just for context. He is self employed, I am a sub teacher when not on maternity.

We have individual accounts we get paid in to. My employer won’t pay in to joint accounts. But we both move money in to the joint account as and when needed. It pays for shopping, house stuff, car stuff, holidays, kids stuff. We don’t put a set amount in, just whenever it is looking low whoever notices moves money across, however much they think it needs. We also have our tenants pay rent in to that account.

We still then have money in our own accounts. I would use that to pay for my petrol, and my Amazon habit

We never really give money a second thought (very privileged to be able to do that I know) and have certainly never argued about it. Neither of us buy a lot of stuff, we aren’t big spenders at all.

The £90k for our house deposit, and all the money to pay off our mortgage, came from my family. But I would still see it as joint money, as we decided together how to use it.

 

[xoxo GG]

My partner used to be horrendous with money so I take charge of all the bills etc. I make sure everything he needs to pay for is accounted for and in the joint bills account, then whatever he has left is his to do whatever he pleases with. The bills account includes money for his fuel, money to contribute towards anything for our toddler ie birthday savings Christmas savings etc. I always put in more than what we need then split the remainders between different little pots. When I get paid I then do the same, then whatever is left is mine.

The one thing I have always done is ensured that if we were to split I could be financially independent over reliant upon a single penny of his. What we have left is to share, if I’m ordering something and he asks me for something I don’t ask him to pay me back. But I like having my own money to fall back upon if needed.

 

[Crazymummy]

With my ex husband we had a joint account that we both got paid into and everything went out off. I earned more than my ex husband but he said he’d manage the money so I let him. When we split it turns out we were in debt up to our eyes and basically I was earning to service the debt. He had 5 credit cards maxed out and loans which had been taken out in my name. Some may say I was stupid, some say I was controlled.

Luckily we were in profit on our house so when we sold that paid it all off and at the age of 34 I had to start again with £2k of what should have been £38k!!!

anyway, now with my new partner I keep everything secret. He doesn’t know what I earn, knows I out earn him but not what I earn. I pay my fair share and everything to do with my child and I am nearly back where I should have been due to good bonuses and lack of spending due to COVID.

my ex from what I see most likely is back in the place we were pre split, as I saw a loan application email (as accidentally forwarded to me) that he took out 2 months after we completed on the house and paid everything off! . Why he needed a loan at the start of April last year (so the start of lockdown) I don’t know!

 

[Holidaybobs]

What an interesting thread.

There’s just two of us, we have no children - just a dog. We have no mortgage so just have utilities etc. We have a joint account and I put in 30% of my salary in each month. I then use the rest of my money by saving it for investments (property). I then have some leftover for myself but, I genuinely don’t splurge often. Every season I’ll buy new clothes but, never excessive.

I earn a good wage but, my partner earns a hell of a lot more. We are both generous so each use are left over money on our families. He usually pays for most of our holidays as he loves luxury ones.The rest of his income goes towards the future (children/early retirement) and investments. He has a financial/wealth advisor. It works for us!

I just found out that my friend and her husband have an excel spreadsheet. He plans everything to the pound and gives her an allowance. If she wants her hair done she has to ask for permission. He’s the breadwinner and better with money. Personally, I couldn’t live like that. I’d tell him where to go.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I forgot to mention our cars ! We see them as a personal expense , we both own them outright , pay for our own insurance / tax & fuel

Re cars: My husband has a company car (new one every second year) so his tax, insurance, fuel etc is paid for by the company.
I have my own car, private and paid for by myself.
I am insured to drive his car and he's a named driver on my insurance.
We don't drive each others that much really.
If we're going anywhere long distance (at the weekend for example) we'll always take his car as the fuel in his is paid for. Either of us might drive it though.

We'd consult each other before a 'big' purchase, eg: new TV, household appliance etc, but not for anything smaller in the house. If one of us saw something for the house that we liked (vase, cushions, bed linen for example) then we'd just buy it.

 

[Koakes]

Its very interesting to see what works for everyone!

My husband and I have been married 8 years, together 10, and have always just kept separate accounts. He makes about double of what I do when he works, he works in Oil and Gas in Canada here and it's not always the most dependable. But we have kinda treated money as "ours" he pays the household bills. I pay my bills, student loans netflix, credit cards etc. When it comes to the food shopping its usually me paying for it as he works away up to 10 weeks at a time so its me eating it. If hes home tho he will go pick up things we need and what not.

And we both try and save what we can for things like holidays, if he has a slow few months at work etc.

He was laid off for 5 months in 2020 and worked sporadically the last few months so majority of the bills came out of my account and our savings.

With that being said if I run out of money before I get paid or want to do something expensive like get my hair done or what not he will just send me money to cover it.

I like to spend more then he does so I try and make sure I budget things better now to cover these extras I want. With that being said I often feel awkward asking for money to cover things as I try to be independent with my money, and he never makes me feel bad or resents me for doing these things that make me happy.

This is what works for us, we don't have kids, just 4 very spoiled dogs

 

[Whaaaaat]

I earn a good chunk more than my OH.

We put all the money together - take out bills, childcare, savings, mortgage overpayments then divide whatever is left and that goes into our own accounts to do whatever we want with. We don’t really have any debt - we have 2 cars which are both paid for jointly out of the joint account and generally we just take whichever one is at the front.

I like having our own money to control. No way am I justifying come 21st June why I bought everyone in the bar a shot

 

[Heybooboo]

What an interesting thread.

There’s just two of us, we have no children - just a dog. We have no mortgage so just have utilities etc. We have a joint account and I put in 30% of my salary in each month. I then use the rest of my money by saving it for investments (property). I then have some leftover for myself but, I genuinely don’t splurge often. Every season I’ll buy new clothes but, never excessive.

I earn a good wage but, my partner earns a hell of a lot more. We are both generous so each use are left over money on our families. He usually pays for most of our holidays as he loves luxury ones.The rest of his income goes towards the future (children/early retirement) and investments. He has a financial/wealth advisor. It works for us!

I just found out that my friend and her husband have an excel spreadsheet. He plans everything to the pound and gives her an allowance. If she wants her hair done she has to ask for permission. He’s the breadwinner and better with money. Personally, I couldn’t live like that. I’d tell him where to go.

The end reminds me of a friend, they recently had a baby and her husband is very tight with money. She hasn’t a single thing new all hand me downs from friends. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but she asked permission to buy her an outfit and was told no. He happily buys expensive alcohol for himself weekly though, he even started to complain when the baby didn’t finish a bottle as it was wasting money could they give her less at feed times. He’s already made comments on wasted food when it comes to weaning.
There’s being careful with money but this i think is a bit extreme and controlling

 

[carolinefg]

This is such a fascinating thread! I’ve always wondered how other couples manage their money, it’s still so taboo isn’t it which is daft.

My financial situation with my other half (together 8 years) has been anything but straightforward over the years, we’ve both got our own businesses and mine has done quite well whereas his has repeatedly struggled, so he’s struggled for money and I’ve felt resentful at times tbh, but we’re past that now. He’s wound this business up now and currently does shift work in a warehouse, works such long hours for so little money but at least it’s a job! I earn quite a bit more than him each month so I pay for our rent and bills and he gives me some money every week on pay day (an amount I’m happy with) as a contribution, and then for food / anything else we want, we put an equal amount on our joint Monzo card. He does struggle with his low earnings and I frequently “top up” - will shout us a takeaway, pay for a night away in a hotel for us as a treat, etc., but that’s because I can afford these things and he can’t, simple as that. For me, as long as he’s earning and working and contributing what he can, that’s ok. It was the years of trying to pretend his business wasn’t failing and not doing a thing about it and leaving me to sort everything that drove me mad! But we’ve grown past all that. I think that the contribution to a joint life should be based on what each other earns, not just split 50/50, but that separate bank accounts are absolutely crucial too - even though I earn more and work hard for it, I would feel embarrassed about my constant lockdown ASOS habit I hide the parcels!

 

[JoeBloggs]

I think the thing is you need to do what works for your relationship. I have friends who have been together for over 15 years since they were very young and to this day they still pay for everything individually, even things like the cinema.

Whereas my husband and I got a joint account when we moved into our first flat after 8 months and we just paid for things as we went along. He’d get one dinner, I’d pay for bowling etc and she found it really odd. We also have cash just in the house for anyone to use, my parents are the same so guess I just copied them.

To this day, on payday I have to access my husbands accounts and move everything around as he just won’t. I have spoken to him about it all and he asks me to do it. I set up a spread sheet with all out banks details and amounts so if anything happened to me he could get money but he’s not even opened it once

OP please be honest with your partner, money is a big cause of the breakdown of relationships and if he doesn’t know how you feel he can’t fix it.

 

[Alexaj]

Ah no. MY money is MY money. HIS money is HIS money, and the money that we put in the joint account together to pay the bills etc is OUR money.

Exactly my philosophy. Our joint account, I suggested a fixed amount by direct debit every month but he couldn't be bothered setting up a direct debit so he just put a lump sum in (which was about 4 years worth of my amount) But that's his choice, not mine. Wouldn't use the joint account for anything more than house bills, holidays, food shopping etc. It helps that both of us are good with money and aren't big spenders.

 

[disneys]

The end reminds me of a friend, they recently had a baby and her husband is very tight with money. She hasn’t a single thing new all hand me downs from friends. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but she asked permission to buy her an outfit and was told no. He happily buys expensive alcohol for himself weekly though, he even started to complain when the baby didn’t finish a bottle as it was wasting money could they give her less at feed times. He’s already made comments on wasted food when it comes to weaning.
There’s being careful with money but this i think is a bit extreme and controlling

that is so sad , financial abuse is definitely a thing !!

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

My partner and I have been together nearly 3 years, not married, no kids but have a lovely house together. We don't share a bank account. I earn quite a good salary, he earns more than me with big bonus'... I doubt we will have a joint account unless we ever get married but how it is at the moment works really well for us. My partner is very good with money and has a spreadsheet for both his incomings/outgoings and has made one up for me which I just let him do for me as maths or money has never been my strong point.

Every month as soon as I am paid I just transfer him over enough money to cover my half of everything. He is quite old school and always thinks because he earns more he should pay just slightly more in terms of our bills etc but I was brought up to always pay my share regardless. On nights out if its just drinks he will pay for a round then I will pay for a round, if its a meal he will pay one week, il pay the next.. if its bowling he will pay for perhaps the bowling and the taxi and il pay for the first round of drinks.

We do share a British Airways credit card which we use for our grocery shopping, in normal circumstances we would travel a lot so its great for getting up the air miles. We pay it off every month.

I lost my job last March thanks to Covid and it was really difficult as my partner lost his a month later. We both got JSA benefits for 2/3 months then my partner got a new job, I was only entitled to JSA for 3 months and then no help whatsoever from the government as I lived with my partner who was earning which I thought was really unfair that he was basically paying everything... I didn't get a job until November last year, it was awful, I felt so useless and like a freeloader.. my partner never complained once and helped me the whole time so when I got my first full wage in December I gave him it everything I owed back which he refused but I sent him anyway because to me we are a team.. as cringey as it sounds haha.

It works really for us how we do things, I think I would love a joint account though as then it might curb my amazon addiction knowing he can see so it will stop me buying stuff!

 

[mcfeez]

Interesting reading about other peoples ideas of money.

My husband and I both get our salaries paid into our joint account - that money is OUR money. Bills, mortgage etc come out of that account. We have our own separate credit cards. I've never thought of the money as mine and his, just very alien to me.

 

[disneys]

Re cars: My husband has a company car (new one every second year) so his tax, insurance, fuel etc is paid for by the company.
I have my own car, private and paid for by myself.
I am insured to drive his car and he's a named driver on my insurance.
We don't drive each others that much really.
If we're going anywhere long distance (at the weekend for example) we'll always take his car as the fuel in his is paid for. Either of us might drive it though.

We'd consult each other before a 'big' purchase, eg: new TV, household appliance etc, but not for anything smaller in the house. If one of us saw something for the house that we liked (vase, cushions, bed linen for example) then we'd just buy it.

we work in a very similar way - we both make small purchases on our joint account without checking with one another , but a larger household purchase is a joint decision

my husband also does the majority of the driving , if we are going somewhere together as a family he drives .. his car is bigger and easier to get the car seat in . I just have a little Kia picanto as a run around for when I go out alone , for example to the supermarket . My husband still pays for the fuel in his car though , even if we are going on family journeys