Money in relationships

[judgejohndeed]

Oh, I see. Yeah, that isn't how I have ever run a joint account AT ALL.

I don't understand this fixed idea of "mine" and "your" money when you're a couple living together and building a life together. Sorry, just don't get it

I'm not really sure what's not to be understood about it? 'My' money is the money I earn from work, 'his' money is the money he earns from work. The life we're building together e.g. our house, pet insurance, food, is paid for jointly from a joint account...but if I want to buy shoes, lipsticks, bags whatever that he won't use or benefit from I don't expect him to pay for that at all? Obviously it would be different if one person has no income like SAHMs who need a different set up, or people who have a big disparity between incomes, but neither of those apply to us.

Or do you discuss every single thing before buying it?

And this is what I want to avoid...surely if all your money is 'your' money plural, you must be talking about everything you buy? I don't want to have a discussion if I want to order something from Amazon quickly, I'm not a child asking permission. Seems odd.

 

[Isa Drennan]

I find this thread so interesting

 

[JoeBloggs]

My husband isn’t interested in money or have any idea about it all (I’ve tried but he just doesn’t care!). So I budget all our bills and we each pay into the joint. When he was earning more he put more in and when I was I did, I base it on percentage of earnings.

We have many pots I put into (insurance, Christmas etc) so we always have the funds. We also have £1,000 of an emergency fund.

Generally we get £400 in our own bank accounts to do as we please each month. I have always saved better and received some inheritance so I have more than him in the bank.

When I earnt nothing last year he paid for everything and then I sent him some of my savings.

I put more into our house and we have a legal agreement which states that money will always be mine.

while we have separate banking, I see our money as ours. If we needed to buy a new car for example well use the money we both gave and work it out from there.

 

[Octopies]

We both earn our own wage but pay £600 each into a joint account every month. This covers mortgage, bills, food. Including random bills like joint Spotify.

I then have the rest of my wage leftover (circa £1,200) which I keep to myself to pay for things like car insurance, makeup, hair, savings etc. He does the same. It’s good because we pay for stuff in a joint way but still have our own money.

I am going on maternity leave soon for a year and I’m going to find it so weird not having my own money! I just don’t like the thought of him paying for more than me. I’m actually considering going back to work earlier to make things easier (I earn more than him so could do with keeping up with work)

 

[Chandler Bing]

I had lived on my own for years so had all bills already in my name (just had to change address when we moved), my husband didn't have anything except his phone bill so I have kept everything in my name and he has a standing order monthly for half of everything.

We also write down what we buy over the month that's "joint" and whoever has paid out less will give the other half of the difference so that at the end we've both spent the same.

I know that will sound odd to some, but I come from a home where my dad financially abused my mum and it left her living in poverty with us kids while he was travelling the world with his mistress. So I never want to be in a position where that could happen to me, I need my own account and to be in control. This works for us, my husband is happy with the arrangement and he knows why I need to feel secure and in control of my own money at all times.

 

[Sally1993]

Oh, I see. Yeah, that isn't how I have ever run a joint account AT ALL.

I don't understand this fixed idea of "mine" and "your" money when you're a couple living and building a life together. It clearly works for some people but I just don't get it

I agree with you. If you’re in a long term relationship and have children, there should be no “mine” and “yours”. We’re in this together.

 

[orange club biscuit]

This is such an interesting topic!

I earn just under twice what my husband does but we split everything equally, all bills, rent and food. I have offered many times to put in more but he won’t have it! I did used to pay a greater % of rent when we lived in London and were paying lots more than we are now we’ve moved up north.

I’m not a big spender so I just save the remainder which will be used for the benefit of both of us eg I saved up most of our wedding fund (lol currently just sat in a bank account doing nothing!) and we are saving for a house deposit and renovations. I also pay for the odd thing here and there myself - e.g often a weekend takeaway will be on me. We don’t nickel and dime one another - I prefer it this way. We are careful but relaxed about money.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I know that will sound odd to some, but I come from a home where my dad financially abused my mum and it left her living in poverty with us kids while he was travelling the world with his mistress. So I never want to be in a position where that could happen to me, I need my own account and to be in control. This works for us, my husband is happy with the arrangement and he knows why I need to feel secure and in control of my own money at all times.

It's not odd at all, the majority of lawyers would tell you to do this. It's a very brave and perhaps even naive person who plans their finances around the idea that their relationship will never break down. I know a couple who split very recently who both have very well paid jobs and had a lot of money (over 100k) in their 'joint account' that everything goes into. One of them has subsequently drained it.

 

[Be More Pacific]

But what if one of you seems to be spending more than the other? If me and my partner had a joint account and he was buying things from it, it would be mostly my money he was spending? Or do you discuss every single thing before buying it? I think the only way this could work is if you’ve both got very similar incomes!

No, we discuss 'big' purchases like holidays and Playstations but other than that, no. It comes down to trust I suppose.

I had a completely joint account with my ex and our incomes were fairly similar for a while but he ended up earning more than me by the time we split. My current partner has always earned a lot more than me when I was working, and always would have done even if I hadn't retired, but has never begrudged me spending anything. He very rarely checks the bank account either - just asks me if we have enough in the account - but that's his choice. He's just not that interested in money.

Cards on the table - we did get ourselves into some serious debt for several reasons which I have documented on here before (and it was mainly my fault - having to give up work far earlier than I'd planned followed by a serious depression/crippling spending addiction and just generally living beyond our means) which we are now working hard to pay off - £30,000 now down to £12,000 in just over eighteen months - and he still doesn't check the bank account! But I'm in my own purgatory right now (East London) for my sins. This is my punishment so the less I spend, the quicker we're out of here

 

[Pixipoppy]

I agree with you. If you’re in a long term relationship and have children, there should be no “mine” and “yours”. We’re in this together.

Granted we don’t have kids and aren’t married but even so, we’ve been together 7 years and I can’t imagine my partner would appreciate me spending £200 on clothes or something that wouldn’t benefit him in any way! Things you do together like holidays, meals, stuff for the house I totally get but individual things are different. I’d feel very awkward if I was spending my partners money on stuff purely for myself? (That wouldn’t happen at the moment as he doesn’t have an income! But still!). Likewise I’d be a bit peed off if I checked my account and saw he had spend hundreds on some new console or lads holiday! That’s my hard earned money

 

[Lulu Goss]

We get paid into our own separate bank accounts and put a set amount into our joint account on payday to cover mortgage, all of our bills and things like food shopping. I put in a few hundred more than he does because he put in more of the deposit, so it will even put over time.

I like being able to buy things like clothes out of my own account without feeling like I’m using his money for it, same as he does when he buys things.

Things like takeaways or meals out we tend to split too.

ETA - We also have a joint savings account where most of our savings are, and we put a set amount into that each month. We also both have our own separate savings accounts, I know I pay more into mine than he does.

One of my work colleagues only has a joint account with his wife and is forever moaning about how much she spends out of it on stuff they don’t really need/just for her!

 

[Sally1993]

Granted we don’t have kids and aren’t married but even so, we’ve been together 7 years and I can’t imagine my partner would appreciate me spending £200 on clothes or something that wouldn’t benefit him in any way! Things you do together like holidays, meals, stuff for the house I totally get but individual things are different. I’d feel very awkward if I was spending my partners money on stuff purely for myself? (That wouldn’t happen at the moment as he doesn’t have an income! But still!). Likewise I’d be a bit peed off if I checked my account and saw he had spend hundreds on some new console or lads holiday! That’s my hard earned money

I understand what you mean. I suppose it’s different for my partner and I because we don’t make a lot of larger purchases as money’s a little bit tight at the moment. We buy clothes about once a year . We both buy little bits and pieces for ourselves but generally chat to the other person about it first. If need be, we take a little bit of money out of the joint savings account so it doesn’t impact our main bank balance.

 

[coconochanel]

Personally I dont think Id ever put all my money in a joint account. I'd rather both of us put some in a joint account and then keep some money for ourselves.

 

[Octopies]

Personally I dont think Id ever put all my money in a joint account. I'd rather both of us put some in a joint account then keep some for ourselves.

same here I like the autonomy plus the independence / financial freedom of just being able to buy whatever I want without anyone knowing or having to explain anything. Also think it could be a breeding ground for resentment (‘why did you spend X on X this week?). It’s just what works for us, no judgement to anyone else.

Also although we’re in a long term relationship we’re very much two different people eg my OH is saving to go on a motorbike holiday with his mates! I don’t wanna pay for that as much as he doesn’t wanna pay for my Botox

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

We get paid into our separate personal accounts, then we pay into a joint account for our mortgage, bills, sinking fund, holidays, joint savings.

We started out the joint contributions on a sliding scale - when we first moved in together 10+ years ago, I earned half of what he did and couldn't afford to move out of a flat share so he told me to just contribute what I was paying on rent for my room towards rent and bills on our own place.

Fast forward a few years and I ended up earning significantly more than him. We bought a flat and I paid more towards our mortgage and bills due to my higher salary.

My husband completed his Masters and got a big promotion and we now earn the same and pay exactly the same into our joint accounts.

Our friends and his family think that it's mad that we keep our finances separate, but my mother was left absolutely penniless after getting divorced so I feel like it would just be irresponsible of me to not have some separate savings. My husband and I have a fantastic relationship, but I need to know that if anything ever went pear-shaped, I would have the means to pack a bag and leave if I needed to.

 

[ChuckaBuckaBingBong]

Our money is our money. We take some out each month (equal) to have in our personal accounts like an allowance from ourselves but other than that there is no mine and yours. I appreciate it doesn't work for everyone though. We have been together since 14 yrs old and have had the joint account since we were 20 so we grew up sharing it all really.

 

[Cereal Killer]

When I went on maternity leave my husband paid all of the bills and my maternity pay was used to for my personal bills, fuel, food, baby things and days out etc.
We each have a personal account for our own bills, joint rent and bills account and a joint account for spending (food shops, days out etc). He earns more than me so he pays most of the rent/bills but I pay all of the childcare, clothes for our son &toddler classes and food shopping so it works out equal.

I have to say I would never have everything 100% joint after a bad experience with an ex. I like having my own money and not having to explain why I’ve spent £200 on my hair. We both work hard for our wages and deserve to spend what we keep for ourselves as we see fit.

 

[HoneyBee29]

I personally just like to have a bit of my own earned money if I want my hair or eyebrows done or if I’m going out for a girls night which obviously hasn’t happened in the last year, but I don’t want to have to ask him is it ok if I take money out of the joint account for this that or the other thing for myself. I’m very independent too when it comes to money and it’s important for me to have a bit of my own money and it’s important he has a bit of his own money too. All our bills are paid etc so once that’s all done do what you want with the rest of it, treat yourself

 

[Esme]

This is such an interesting thread! There definitely isn’t a one hole fits all when it comes to money and relationships.

I’m currently a stay at home mum (Covid forced) so have no income. My husband is currently the sole earner for our household. We have a joint account and separate accounts, he sends me over money when he’s paid to cover my phone bill, food shopping and baby related essentials. I don’t really buy anything for myself (partly due to not really leaving the house with lockdown and also I feel guilty about spending on myself with no income). When it was my birthday I asked for money from family so I could get some new clothes and skincare.

Prior to having our baby, we both earned a good income but I’m a saver and he isn’t, so my husband paid the bulk of outgoings and I put my share into savings. We then had our own money to do with as we wished. I found it really difficult losing my income and going down to maternity, and then even worse when my mat pay ended. I’m used to having my own money, that I’ve earned and I can spend as I choose.

My husband always says the money he earns is our money, for our family etc. What struck me from the OP is her partner isn’t working and she is feeling upset all her hard earned money is just being spent. As a saver I can totally relate. If your partner isn’t trying to find employment, is using money on frivolous purchases and you’re upset it definitely needs addressing. Even just a £50 a month saving would be better than nothing. If the roles were reversed would he be happy with the situation?

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

I love this thread, thanks for making this.
This is such an interesting topic and I am intrigued to learn what married / long term relationship people do.

My parents have been married for almost 30 years but how they manage their finances might not be what I’d like to do. My mum has a best friend who’s husband paid all the bills and gave her a monthly allowance. She always worked and still works now. Very interesting.

I date a guy who when we started paid for all our meals out but I have also dated a guy who wanted to split all things even a £5.00 bill.

Those who have mortgages - is there a clause that if you paid more of a deposit and you separate / sell do you get more of a percentage?