Money in relationships

[judgejohndeed]

Interesting... To me that has more potential for arguments.

Yes definitely, we never argue about money I don’t understand why my partner spends hundreds on wine but equally he doesn’t understand why I don’t just get my shoes from M&S or something but ultimately we use our own money so it doesn’t matter what either of us think!

 

[Clairer86]

To be completely honest we are both tit with money

We are both 'professionals' and earn about the same each month (well until i was signed off work back in June). But we have our own accounts not a joint account. Our system is he pays the mortgage/ boring bills, and i do all the food shopping, christmas, birthdays, holidays, savings, my own individual bills such as my phone and my debt.... I sound incredibly entitled, and i know im pretty lucky- well was lucky, not so much now since being off sick. Ive gone from my own wage being over £2k each month to crappy sick pay.

To make matters worse i have BPD and Bipolar so one of the things i do when manic or being reckless is spend a stupid amount of money on tit! Im a little better at the moment and i havent been on a splurge in a couple of months, but that is a really important aspect of my mental health, and we have to take it into account in regards to our money management. Because its not small insignificant amounts i spend, but ive been known to spend all my wages in one weekend. Ironically, i actually feel more in control of money and my own spending since my money dropped!

But our little system works for us

 

[JoeBloggs]

Yes the extra money my partner put into our deposit is ring fenced. At the time he had a much higher income than I did. He is actually very much of the opinion that we should share everything we both have and did not want his money protecting. It took a lot of persuading but I was adamant. If we ever did get divorced (getting married this year) I would have ensured he had his money back anyway so might as well have it in writing.

We have the same, I have £65k of our deposit ring fenced as it is my parents money. In terms of actually paying it monthly it would be split but if I paid off a big chunk we’d do the same.

My friend bought at the same time as us, her parents gave them a deposit but her partner would not sign it. They have parted and sold and because legally he is entitled for 50% he’s asked for much more than he put it. She has to suck it up as he can legally claim even more.

 

[judgejohndeed]

We have the same, I have £65k of our deposit ring fenced as it is my parents money. In terms of actually paying it monthly it would be split but if I paid off a big chunk we’d do the same.

My friend bought at the same time as us, her parents gave them a deposit but her partner would not sign it. They have parted and sold and because legally he is entitled for 50% he’s asked for much more than he put it. She has to suck it up as he can legally claim even more.

That’s awful. That’s the problem with people saying ‘you should trust your partner’ mmm I do but people change when they split up. Who knows what will happen in the future - if my partner cheated on me, maybe I would think actually yeah I will take half of that money. So part of me wanting him to ring fence it now is I don’t want to become that person either! I think it’s kind of an older generation relic to share all your money because it works for those generations as they also don’t get divorced. I think it’s important to protect yourself - especially for women - and be a realist, and I don’t think that’s incompatible with having a healthy and trusting relationship. I’d rather that than be the one left high and dry.

 

[Be More Pacific]

And then I'm assuming you don't buy each other any birthday or Xmas presents as that would just not really make much sense to me

What? Because they have a joint account?

 

[JoeBloggs]

That’s awful. That’s the problem with people saying ‘you should trust your partner’ mmm I do but people change when they split up. Who knows what will happen in the future - if my partner cheated on me, maybe I would think actually yeah I will take half of that money. So part of me wanting him to ring fence it now is I don’t want to become that person either! I think it’s kind of an older generation relic to share all your money because it works for those generations as they also don’t get divorced. I think it’s important to protect yourself - especially for women - and be a realist, and I don’t think that’s incompatible with having a healthy and trusting relationship. I’d rather that than be the one left high and dry.

My husband was more than happy to sign anything as he appreciated it wasn’t his money. Her partner kick up a massive fuss and to me that was a red flag.

Ive seen money destroy families, including some of mine. It changes people and after splitting you can’t always trust someone.

 

[Mamacita]

What? Because they have a joint account?

Well because everything is shared so all you're doing is taking shared money out to buy the other person something guess it's the "choosing" the present that counts but to me it's just a weird concept. Like parents giving their child money so their child buys them a present

 

[disneys]

Oo this is an interesting thread !!

So our situation is a bit weird

my husband is a full-time teacher and is on the SLT at his school so is very well paid , until recently I was a marketing manager in London also on a relatively good salary however I left my job after my Mat leave ended in the middle of last year as my husband was promoted and I really was desperate to train for a career change and be a stay at home mummy for a bit longer

my husband and I have a current account each of everyday spending (ie clothes for ourselves , the odd Amazon purchase, meals out with friends if we are alone) but most of our money every month goes into a joint account .. all our bills and mortgage go out of this, food shops, things for our son, things for our cats .. we have about £500 float in there too so if a cat needs to go to the vets or the hoover explodes we have some leeway to make a bigger purchase .. currently only my husband is topping this up when he is paid as I’m not working .. luckily our mortgage is small and our bills aren’t that much but when I was working we split everything 50/50

we then have a ISA each with personal savings .. mine is currently being used to fund my everyday spending and my husband now pays for the bills alone .. we also have a joint savings account with a reasonable sum in it ! I’m the queen of worst case scenarios so it’s important to me that my some of savings that I worked hard for are kept separate and my husband does the same with his

essentially , we share most of our money but we do still have that separation .. it might not be for everyone but it works very well for us ! it’s weird right now because I’m not working but usually I contribute 50% to the bills and mortgage.

 

[Hinchhater1442]

We have:-
Joint account- this covers ALL bills and consistent outgoings, even down to our gym memberships and weekly food shop budget. He pays more into this than I do as he earns more.
We work our divide out so that AFTER bills we have the same amount left to do as we please with.

We then have a joint savings account that we put the same amount into -this is fairly new and is for renovations for our new house

Then we have our own current accounts(where our salary gets paid into) and whatever is left from above stays in our separate accounts to be as reckless as we like with

 

[Sus134]

My partner and I rent a house and have 1 child. We split everything 50/50 all household bills, food and car repairs. We both save £350 a month each into a joint savings account. My partner earns around £1k more than me a month so will often buy extras that we need for the house.

 

[BANDJ2018]

I don’t agree. If one partner earns significantly more than the other it’s not just an automatic case of “everything should be shared”. Being joint would create problems for me, growing up with one parent relying solely on the other financially, then realising how frightening that is when redundancy/illness or any other unforeseen circumstance hits, has made me determined to always have some form of financial independence.

Being married isn’t a justification for everything being shared. You can still easily share from having separate accounts. I wouldn’t like to rely on someone or have to justify every purchase.

That's fine and I understand why you feel like that. But for us, one of us earns significantly more than the other but it really doesn't matter to either of us. There isn't this discussion of justifying every purchase either. It hasn't come up at all in almost three years now with a joint account and I don't see a scenario when it does. For me, I trust my wife and she trusts me, and we've trusted each other in Marriage - so we should absolutely trust each other with each other's money.

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

That’s awful. That’s the problem with people saying ‘you should trust your partner’ mmm I do but people change when they split up. Who knows what will happen in the future - if my partner cheated on me, maybe I would think actually yeah I will take half of that money. So part of me wanting him to ring fence it now is I don’t want to become that person either! I think it’s kind of an older generation relic to share all your money because it works for those generations as they also don’t get divorced. I think it’s important to protect yourself - especially for women - and be a realist, and I don’t think that’s incompatible with having a healthy and trusting relationship. I’d rather that than be the one left high and dry.

Absolutely! Not many people (if any?) go into a relationship and/or get married thinking that they'll ever split - yet so many relationships do break down.

I think our financial independence is part of what makes my marriage so good!

 

[BANDJ2018]

Well because everything is shared so all you're doing is taking shared money out to buy the other person something guess it's the "choosing" the present that counts but to me it's just a weird concept. Like parents giving their child money so their child buys them a present

As you say we still choose each other presents and it's a surprise. Doesn't really matter where the money has come from and we don't even think about it. Just say how much we are going to spend on each other so one doesn't overbuy compared to the other and good to go.

 

[Kandy floss]

That's a great idea. Even if he pays for things like groceries, holidays, etc - but very wise for you to pay half of the mortgage even though he earns more.

I’ve done two law degrees so very aware of it! He would be happy to pay more but we both want to protect ourselves. As others have said you hope you’ll never split up but it’s always a possibility and we’re trying to plan for that possibility!

I know it doesn’t seem very “romantic” for a young couple about to buy their first home together but I think it’s going to save us some issues in the long run!!

 

[HoneyBee29]

My parents where married for 15 years and they both had their own separate accounts. They had one joint account which they both paid into every month to pay bills but they still had money that was each their own to do whatever they wanted with. They both split the deposit when they bought their first house together so when they divorced everything was just split 50/50 which made the process easier. She’s always warned me against having joint accounts but me and my husband have talked about opening one up to put money into to do things to our house when we eventually buy. Our deposit for a house will also be 50/50

 

[Raininvain]

My husband was more than happy to sign anything as he appreciated it wasn’t his money. Her partner kick up a massive fuss and to me that was a red flag.

Ive seen money destroy families, including some of mine. It changes people and after splitting you can’t always trust someone.

She should have walked away from from that partner there and then, he was telling her all she needed to know.

 

[peanutbuttercupp11]

Me and my fiance both have jobs and incomes and have separate bank accounts and even after getting married have no plans to get a joint account. We've been together 9 years and were meant to get married last year but thanks to Covid this has been postponed several times to next year. I hate the idea that once you're married you merge into one being, after we get married we'll still be independent people and I want to keep my financial independence. I absolutely hate the idea of having to ask him for money or asking for permission to treat myself to something new.

He pays the mortgage and bills and I have a monthly direct debit set up for my portion, he earns quite a bit more than me so he pays a bigger share, our deposit was 50/50 though. Things for the house, weekly food shops, holidays etc. we split the cost 50/50 and when we go out to eat/for drinks we'll sometimes split but more often than not he offers to treat me. But when it comes to spending money our money is our own and we want to keep it that way, his hard-earned money isn't mine to spend on clothes or beauty products just like mine isn't his to spend on games or beers.

We both also have our own cars and are responsible for paying insurance/MOT etc for our own cars and we've never driven each other's cars. I've seen people say they don't understand couples who have separate cars but we both like it this way, again we are independent people and I like having my own things! He just recently had to fork out over £1k on repairs for his car so I'm very glad it's not a shared car

 

[JoeBloggs]

She should have walked away from from that partner there and then, he was telling her all she needed to know.

Oh I know, we tried to tell her. It’s such a shame she had to go through it. He was awful at the end but lessons learnt!

 

[disneys]

I forgot to mention our cars ! We see them as a personal expense , we both own them outright , pay for our own insurance / tax & fuel

 

[bolimepipi]

we are not married nor do we have children, however we live together (as tenants) and we have a cat together we don't have a joint account, we have our own accounts. when we had just started our relationship, i was earning much more and i was paying for pretty much everything. he moved countries for me (twice) so there was a time where he just wasn't in the position to contribute. since covid, he is earning more than me and he pays for almost everything. it has all balanced out in a way where no one feels guilty, let's say it like that. when we go grocery shopping, it's just a matter of who pulls out the card faster and we still have those little arguments when we're getting coffee or something ''i'll pay'' ''noooo i'll pay'' my parents never had a joint account, but after reading through this (very interesting) thread, i think we might do the joint account while keeping own accounts, i quite like it.