It does seem like he was love bombing you, maybe? And as it was early days he could get away with not giving you much information about himself. I've got a feeling he may have a wife but plays away when he's working (I know someone who does this, as he works abroad a lot) but it still doesn't make sense as to why he'd lie about cancer. Surely he'd just ghost you?
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A super flashy guy wouldn’t come up with a cancer story. It’s generally the unsuspecting awkward boy next door that does.Yeah I always wonder this. Like how much do I really know?
He was normal haha. No gold teeth nor super flashy. He was always well dressed but in a modest way. Honestly he just came across as a genuinely good and nice guy. We met out and about but before out first proper date He just sent a text saying "honestly I'd just be delighted if after you said you wanted to see me again."
Until all of this it was just going well and seemed normal, no game playing or anything
The fact he said “I’d just be delighted if you said you wanted to see me again” shows he’s a bit insecure which is a red flag and a give away. It sounds desperate.
Yeah that's what I don't get. If he was in trouble because he had a wife surely he'd just ghost without giving all the updates. It sounds like he is playing master manipulator.
Yeah I see what you mean about love bombing. Even at first I thought woah this is intense. At the time I just put it down to him being a guy who had been a bit unlucky in love before and sees something going well and puts lots of effort into it. But I can see how it can be seen as love bombing too.
Without giving too much away about myself, I work in the cancer department at a hospital.
You need to see a GP. You get referred on a 2 Week Wait. There are exceptions to the rule but the NHS have an aim of seeing somebody with suspected cancer within two weeks.
When they give you that appointment, it is only then they will discuss next treatment plans whether that is a CT scan, biopsy, colonoscopy etc. The waiting lists for CT scans especially are extremely high and in a lot of cases people need blood test results back before they can have a scan so the consultant can have all the information possible to give an accurate account on if there is cancer.
There is then a 72 day guideline to make sure people that people who have been referred have had their first appointment, tests, follow up appointments and their first treatments and operations.
You also would not have an operation straight away unless the cancer was causing such serious complications that you are admitted to A and E and they operate then. They try to get you in quick for an operation if needed but waiting times are different for each department and they like to prepare you that you are having an op and you will often need other tests done before this so you will usually have a few weeks before any op takes place unless as I stated, it is an emergency incident.
Obviously this can vary. 72 days tends to be the max.
It is also very unlikely he had radiotherapy and chemo and then chemo or whatever it is you were saying. Both are very very invasive treatments. And it is likely (not in all cases before anyone comes at me!) that a consultant would only want to treat you with one at a time. Chemo and radiotherapy together at the same time is rare although can be done.
As another poster mentioned, the bed crisis is very real. If he is terminal, they will send him to hospice or home and he will only be on treatment to prolong his life. Usually with terminal the aim would be to make him more comfortable so unlikely they would be throwing loads of chemo and radiotherapy at him.
If he is not terminal, he will 100 percent be an outpatient.
So in short, he's lying to you.
I am confused that you said you searched him on Facebook as I thought you didn't know his last name.
But to be blunt, with the information I know about cancer through work and people in my personal life suffering, i have no clue why you would even entertain this. I'm not trying to be rude but it couldn't be anymore obvious that he's lying.
You need to see a GP. You get referred on a 2 Week Wait. There are exceptions to the rule but the NHS have an aim of seeing somebody with suspected cancer within two weeks.
When they give you that appointment, it is only then they will discuss next treatment plans whether that is a CT scan, biopsy, colonoscopy etc. The waiting lists for CT scans especially are extremely high and in a lot of cases people need blood test results back before they can have a scan so the consultant can have all the information possible to give an accurate account on if there is cancer.
There is then a 72 day guideline to make sure people that people who have been referred have had their first appointment, tests, follow up appointments and their first treatments and operations.
You also would not have an operation straight away unless the cancer was causing such serious complications that you are admitted to A and E and they operate then. They try to get you in quick for an operation if needed but waiting times are different for each department and they like to prepare you that you are having an op and you will often need other tests done before this so you will usually have a few weeks before any op takes place unless as I stated, it is an emergency incident.
Obviously this can vary. 72 days tends to be the max.
It is also very unlikely he had radiotherapy and chemo and then chemo or whatever it is you were saying. Both are very very invasive treatments. And it is likely (not in all cases before anyone comes at me!) that a consultant would only want to treat you with one at a time. Chemo and radiotherapy together at the same time is rare although can be done.
As another poster mentioned, the bed crisis is very real. If he is terminal, they will send him to hospice or home and he will only be on treatment to prolong his life. Usually with terminal the aim would be to make him more comfortable so unlikely they would be throwing loads of chemo and radiotherapy at him.
If he is not terminal, he will 100 percent be an outpatient.
So in short, he's lying to you.
I am confused that you said you searched him on Facebook as I thought you didn't know his last name.
But to be blunt, with the information I know about cancer through work and people in my personal life suffering, i have no clue why you would even entertain this. I'm not trying to be rude but it couldn't be anymore obvious that he's lying.
Maybe. I just saw it as being unassuming. When he said that at least I didn't get red flags like I do with the rest of it. Maybe it was said for me to think a certain way though. Just like when they say "I'm not like other men. I wouldn't do that."
I agree it is probably not the person who is super flash who would come up with this story for sympathy.
Thank you, it is helpful to hear from someone with a medical background on what the procedures are, sometimes not knowing you just go along with what they're saying..but it did seem very quick . He had biopsies done on a Tuesday and on the Friday when he went in for the results he was admitted for emergency surgery..there seemed to be a lot of that and it moved so quickly..the first time was before they knew it had spread or was causing pain too.
I searched on Facebook using a location I thought he might be in from the vague information he gave and his first name.. also just from the mobile number but neither came up with anything.
In seven weeks his brother said he had a round of radiotherapy, a round of radiotherapy and chemotherapy and then a round of chemotherapy. Like you said they're harsh treatments and it seems like so much.
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Fair enough regarding the Facebook thing, I misunderstood.
And it can absolutely be daunting when you don't know the medical jargon behind things just the same as I wouldn't know if I was being lied to of someone got taken in for heart disease or kidney failure etc. BUT even if I didn't know the medical liklihood of it all, the fact you don't know his name, where he lives, and even the fact he's not on his phone in hospital. Very very dubious. I've known many ill people that are still able to use their phones. My Dad in 70s was able to text after his cancer operations to let us know he was out of surgery and recovering.
It's all nonsense and you seem nice. Run away fast.
Sometimes people lie and for those of us who are mentally well, there is little point in trying to wrap your head around why other than they most likely get a kick out of the attention. By pretending to be his brother, he’s getting to ghost you whilst still indulging himself and stroking his ego as you talk about him and continue to show interest.
I used to work with someone who faked a pregnancy. The facts she gave never rang true and alarm bells rang for me from the minute she announced. It feels horrible to doubt someone but go with your gut
I used to work with someone who faked a pregnancy. The facts she gave never rang true and alarm bells rang for me from the minute she announced. It feels horrible to doubt someone but go with your gut
The story is so confusing. He does have his phone in hospital and he has messaged me a couple of this around Christmas..but his brother said he is mainly sedated and can't sit up so that's why I don't get many messages.
From what he is saying the situation sounds dire. But then they're progressing with such aggressive treatment and lots of surgery which like you said, I didn't think they'd do if they didn't think there was a cure. As if it's just palliative isn't it to reduce discomfort or control the tumour growth in some cases.
It seems so strange to me he's sedated like 90% of the time yet apparently the prognosis is poor but not final. None of it makes sense to me.
Also perhaps you could shed light on whether there are times where you are not allowed to send even a card or present to them due to infection control even when staff can bring patients in presents
. To me that was just...odd.How do you even fake a pregnancy surely at the end of it you know people will expect to see a physical baby
. I don't understand people that tell these big lies. It's not like you're only denying having the last biscuit 
people who lie like this never think about the end result really - they only think of the attention they’re going to get in the moment and get off on people showing them concern/being fussed etc. they rarely think it through enough to consider “what do i do at the end of all this?”How do you even fake a pregnancy surely at the end of it you know people will expect to see a physical baby
i don’t think you will ever understand this man’s actions or thought processes. it’s admirable that you’re continuing to try. but you will never get the answers that you want. like @teabob says, he gets to both ghost you and simultaneously keep your interest at the same time by playing at being his own brother. leave this situation before it gets even more toxic.
I think you’ve been given plenty of support and information including medical perspective supporting the fact that this story is fabricated.
If you’re still inquiring about tiny details such as sedation when it’s obvious he’s not being truthful, then I’m sorry to say no amount of advice on here will help. You’re just torturing yourself. I know you’re trying to convince yourself that this is fabricated, but you’ve enough evidence at this point.
You just need to face this situation for what is and just move on instead of dissecting every detail. You haven’t been together for this long and you haven’t seen him since October. There’s not much to hang on to at this stage.
If you’re still inquiring about tiny details such as sedation when it’s obvious he’s not being truthful, then I’m sorry to say no amount of advice on here will help. You’re just torturing yourself. I know you’re trying to convince yourself that this is fabricated, but you’ve enough evidence at this point.
You just need to face this situation for what is and just move on instead of dissecting every detail. You haven’t been together for this long and you haven’t seen him since October. There’s not much to hang on to at this stage.
Maybe it is an attention thing to manipulate someone's feelings.
It makes me sad for him if that's the case. Things were going well and he had no reason to lie about something like this to play at my heartstrings. Maybe he thought he would gain something but instead he is the overall loser because I got rid of someone toxic and he lost something that was going well
No I agree that it is fabricated. It's a lot over the months but it is helpful to know also from a medical perspective that these sorts of things don't add up.
There was never going to be a baby. She just enjoyed the attention of announcing a pregnancy, feeling special then more attention when she “miscarried”. It was an Oscar worthy performance but so many things she said didn’t ring true. I was suspicious from the word go and told my sister and we reverse searched her scan pic which strangely she didn’t have an actual paper copy of and her name wasn’t visible on the screenshot she shared. From that point on, I knew it was a matter of time before she “miscarried”.The story is so confusing. He does have his phone in hospital and he has messaged me a couple of this around Christmas..but his brother said he is mainly sedated and can't sit up so that's why I don't get many messages.
From what he is saying the situation sounds dire. But then they're progressing with such aggressive treatment and lots of surgery which like you said, I didn't think they'd do if they didn't think there was a cure. As if it's just palliative isn't it to reduce discomfort or control the tumour growth in some cases.
It seems so strange to me he's sedated like 90% of the time yet apparently the prognosis is poor but not final. None of it makes sense to me.
Also perhaps you could shed light on whether there are times where you are not allowed to send even a card or present to them due to infection control even when staff can bring patients in presents
How do you even fake a pregnancy surely at the end of it you know people will expect to see a physical baby
Oh that's so sad she felt the need to do that. It feels like they're trying to manufactor sympathy from a fake situation but they're just the ones to lose out when people realise it's not true.
The story is so confusing. He does have his phone in hospital and he has messaged me a couple of this around Christmas..but his brother said he is mainly sedated and can't sit up so that's why I don't get many messages.
From what he is saying the situation sounds dire. But then they're progressing with such aggressive treatment and lots of surgery which like you said, I didn't think they'd do if they didn't think there was a cure. As if it's just palliative isn't it to reduce discomfort or control the tumour growth in some cases.
It seems so strange to me he's sedated like 90% of the time yet apparently the prognosis is poor but not final. None of it makes sense to me.
Also perhaps you could shed light on whether there are times where you are not allowed to send even a card or present to them due to infection control even when staff can bring patients in presents
The only way he would be mainly sedated is if he is on hospice or been sent home to die. Sedated is very vague but they can give strong morphine and other meds that would help control the pain he is in towards end of life. Morphine and other meds combined can make you drowsy and sleepy.
There would be no need to keep somebody who is in their 30s, with no terminal diagnosis who is not on end of life care sedated. It just wouldn't happen.
And if he was on hospice or EOL care at home, his brother would not be concerned with texting you cryptic messages. You aren't his wife or even girlfriend. If somebody is going through that they want the people they love and care about surrounding their bedside so there would be no reason to shut you out if he cared.
The phone thing really is nonsense. I mean, I won't keep banging on about my work or family thing.... take Bowel Babe - a high profile media cancer case who sadly passed away earlier this year. She was on Instagram just days before her death.
Infection control measures were strict during covid but as another poster said .... they don't like flowers etc for specific reasons. However if he wanted you to visit, you could easily take along a little gift and nobody would be non the wiser.
He's twisted. Probably married. Or probably a bit clinically insane and compulsive liar. Either way, steer clear.
Yeah I read that flowers are not good because some patients can be allergic, and food of course because you don't know if they're on a special diet. But I thought a card or whatever would be okay.
And like you said, I wouldn't see why they'd keep a patient so sedated if it's not terminal and even then when theyre expected to pass away soon. They keep saying he's been sedated on morphine for months yet he's still having these invasive procedures and treatment and the prognosis isn't final and like you said, that just doesn't make sense.
My ex's mum had terminal bowel cancer and it was only in her final weeks she was asleep a lot, but when she was awake she was still with it and able to talk. And years before this she was able to get chemo as an outpatient.
It just seems such a weirdly catastrophic lie to tell.
Thank you for your insight, it's so helpful. I had my doubts about the story but it's just so helpful to have someone with experience in the medical field be like "no that wouldn't happen".
You seem like a lovely empathetic person.
I am someone who has grown up with narcissists and those with psychological disorders.
He’s a pathological liar.
He is getting kicks out of this.
Even the display photo of his brothers wife could all be a hoax.
I doubt you are the only woman he’s misleading and bleeping up their minds.
You don’t know anything about him and the truth is you don’t know his mental capability. This concerns me for your safety.
I pray he doesn’t know where you live.
You will never have answers or closure.
But you have the power to move on.
Delete, block him. Move on like everyone else has mentioned. It’s for your own good. Otherwise you will end up wasting your time on therapy and bla bla for someone who doesn’t give a tit about you.
It’s 2023 use this as an excuse to block this person.
I am someone who has grown up with narcissists and those with psychological disorders.
He’s a pathological liar.
He is getting kicks out of this.
Even the display photo of his brothers wife could all be a hoax.
I doubt you are the only woman he’s misleading and bleeping up their minds.
You don’t know anything about him and the truth is you don’t know his mental capability. This concerns me for your safety.
I pray he doesn’t know where you live.
You will never have answers or closure.
But you have the power to move on.
Delete, block him. Move on like everyone else has mentioned. It’s for your own good. Otherwise you will end up wasting your time on therapy and bla bla for someone who doesn’t give a tit about you.
It’s 2023 use this as an excuse to block this person.
This what I was thinking. He is likely enjoying the messaging and worrying.
Maybe I am heartless but my first reaction at this whole thing would be “gosh I’m so sorry, I wish you the best” and ignored the rest of the messages/blocked him when it was socially acceptable. Mainly because even if it was true, what support would you, who has been on a some dates, doesn’t even know his last name or likely anything about him, be able to offer?
i say this as someone who semi had this happen once. Met a guy on a night out, exchanged numbers, met up after with some friends for a bbq, some texting but nothing serious, I get a message to say he’s been in a serious mountain bike accident and has amnesia. Very sad if it’s true but it’s not like I can help with that
Only to echo what others are saying.
This situation has warning bells sounding at a very high volume.
As much as you are invested in him and empathise, even if he turned out to be telling the truth (and I can assure you, he is not), the trust is gone. And without trust, you have nothing.
It hurts, I know it hurts, why people do this I don’t know. I once got pulled in to someone doing something similar. The best thing you can do is block, cut all contact and move on to someone who deserves to be with someone as caring as you.
This situation has warning bells sounding at a very high volume.
As much as you are invested in him and empathise, even if he turned out to be telling the truth (and I can assure you, he is not), the trust is gone. And without trust, you have nothing.
It hurts, I know it hurts, why people do this I don’t know. I once got pulled in to someone doing something similar. The best thing you can do is block, cut all contact and move on to someone who deserves to be with someone as caring as you.