Lying about cancer?!

[HelloStereo]

Agreed. I’m sure if he wanted to he could find out where you lived. Especially if he wanted revenge after telling his wife. He could have it on his phone. He could have saved the location. Anything. I think cos he was drunk he could a remember. He could come to ur area and find out. I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s done something like this and I could bet he lied to his wife to get with her or something. Sounds like a sicko pls don’t put yourself in danger @HelloStereo he’s not worth it

Possibly. I am still worried he might come to my area to be honest, although it's unlikely he knows my exact address.

I live in a flat in a massive block in quite a built up / busy area. He could know the rough location but I'd be surprised if he remembered the exact flat unless he took photos when I was unaware.

The story does seem to intricate for it to be the first time he's done it and you're right, we don't know the relationship he has with his wife, she could be genuinely unaware of how he is, or has been manipulated for years.

 

[IGiveUp22]

Mine was a narcissist so your guess is as good as mine regarding the “whys”. He did a lot of his lying to get money out of me/other girls but not really massive amounts if that makes sense? Then the illnesses came when you challenged him or he knew you were getting onto a lie & then he’d do that to try get sympathy or make you feel like a bad person having a go at someone that’s “so seriously ill”. The whole thing is just a complete mind duck & it really does mess with you.
Found a receipt for a hotel actually last month (was doing a full clean) & it was one on my credit card that he was supposed to be paying half for. When we were there, he disappeared one of the days & said he’d complained about our room (nothing wrong with it tbh) & they’d upgraded us to a sweet for free for the next 5 days as a good will gesture. Turns out that “free” upgrade wasn’t free at all & was an extra £100 per night on my credit card. Never checked it at the time as I knew we’d charged a fair amount to the room & just assumed it was more than I thought obv I also never got his half

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Possibly. I am still worried he might come to my area to be honest, although it's unlikely he knows my exact address.

I live in a flat in a massive block in quite a built up / busy area. He could know the rough location but I'd be surprised if he remembered the exact flat unless he took photos when I was unaware.

The story does seem to intricate for it to be the first time he's done it and you're right, we don't know the relationship he has with his wife, she could be genuinely unaware of how he is, or has been manipulated for years.

I don’t think he would come to your area unless you pissed him off that’s what I would expect. How long has it been since you last spoke. Hope you’re ok. I’m sure he wouldn’t remember what floor you were on.

 

[HelloStereo]

I don’t think he would come to your area unless you pissed him off that’s what I would expect. How long has it been since you last spoke. Hope you’re ok. I’m sure he wouldn’t remember what floor you were on.

I hope not. I last spoke to him in late December.

It's all been a very strange and eye opening experience. You hear about it happening to others but don't think it will happen to you. I guess strange is the best word to use, there was some truth woven into a massive web of lies and sometimes I find myself going over conversations we had thinking "was he telling the truth about this, or was it a lie too?".

I'll be fine in time though. At least I got away and it's done now.
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Mine was a narcissist so your guess is as good as mine regarding the “whys”. He did a lot of his lying to get money out of me/other girls but not really massive amounts if that makes sense? Then the illnesses came when you challenged him or he knew you were getting onto a lie & then he’d do that to try get sympathy or make you feel like a bad person having a go at someone that’s “so seriously ill”. The whole thing is just a complete mind duck & it really does mess with you.
Found a receipt for a hotel actually last month (was doing a full clean) & it was one on my credit card that he was supposed to be paying half for. When we were there, he disappeared one of the days & said he’d complained about our room (nothing wrong with it tbh) & they’d upgraded us to a sweet for free for the next 5 days as a good will gesture. Turns out that “free” upgrade wasn’t free at all & was an extra £100 per night on my credit card. Never checked it at the time as I knew we’d charged a fair amount to the room & just assumed it was more than I thought obv I also never got his half

That's such an awful thing to do, I'd be so mad at someone trying to manipulate me for money. It sounds like he just wanted to take advantage of your money and have a good time.

I don't know if money was the guy I was dating's objective. In finding out the truth he has a much better job than he told me he had - think someone invited to speak at big business conferences.

I guess it could be he invented the cancer because people would be more gentle around sick people and not question them as much, and it gives him an excuse to suddenly disappear but still keep in touch with me as the "brother".

 

[Sabbie]

I have been in the position to tell the wife and was glad I did it. I didn’t do it for revenge. I did it because she needed to know and I know I’d want to know if this was happening to me behind my back. But I didn’t have safety issues to consider. Gather all the evidence in a clear and coherent file because if you ever move house tell his wife. She deserves to know, and you just know he has done this before many times. For her own health, and her kids future, if it can be done safely rat that c**t out.

 

[HelloStereo]

I have been in the position to tell the wife and was glad I did it. I didn’t do it for revenge. I did it because she needed to know and I know I’d want to know if this was happening to me behind my back. But I didn’t have safety issues to consider. Gather all the evidence in a clear and coherent file because if you ever move house tell his wife. She deserves to know, and you just know he has done this before many times. For her own health, and her kids future, if it can be done safely rat that c**t out.

I really want to have a good think about it first. I'm feeling so many things at the moment - utterly violated that he not only lied about cancer and made up a brother to continue the lie, bewildered that someone would go to this extreme to lie, upset that he created a whole new identity and he's actually got a wife, a bit down in confidence that this happened and doubting my judgment.

I know if I did it now it would just be to cause hurt to him and I don't want to break up a family to satisfy something within myself. I want to be 100% confident if I do it that I am because I feel she needs to know.

 

[OwlAtTheMoon]

I've read this whole thread and find it chillingly appalling that there are people who choose to string people along like this guy did. Wherher it's to boost their own self esteem or worse, to con others out of their emotional energy or money. Not forgetting the psychological impact of the lies and deception. Glad the OP blocked and moved on. I admit I found the story so fascinatingly implausible I thought it was made up... hope that's not the case but from the replies it's plain there's a lot of this nasty dating/manipulating deception around.

 

[HelloStereo]

I've read this whole thread and find it chillingly appalling that there are people who choose to string people along like this guy did. Wherher it's to boost their own self esteem or worse, to con others out of their emotional energy or money. Not forgetting the psychological impact of the lies and deception. Glad the OP blocked and moved on. I admit I found the story so fascinatingly implausible I thought it was made up... hope that's not the case but from the replies it's plain there's a lot of this nasty dating/manipulating deception around.

I didn't make it up but he did. I did change some details in terms of names etc and timelines which sometimes makes it difficult to keep up but the gist of what I said is true. I know this is an anonymous platform but i wanted to change / withhold some details because it is so sinister.

There are some sick people out there clearly. I have to say even though I have blocked him it's so difficult to come to terms with the aftermath that this has actually happened.

 

[katyazamo]

I'd guess the wife already has an inkling about the cheating and has chosen to turn a blind eye. We don't know the situation but she could be financially reliant on him and unable to walk out, especially when there are two kids involved. What an awful person.

People like this always get caught, they think they are very smart and cover their tracks, but it's impossible to keep spinning the web of lies. They get addicted to the buzz of it all and think it's harmless but there is so much collateral damage. You, his wife, their kids, their families, friends, etc.

I don't know if I would tell her either because as others have said, it's not as easy as just dropping the bomb and washing your hands of it. She would be extremely angry and upset but you would take the blame. She has probably been gaslit and manipulated for years.

 

[HelloStereo]

I'd guess the wife already has an inkling about the cheating and has chosen to turn a blind eye. We don't know the situation but she could be financially reliant on him and unable to walk out, especially when there are two kids involved. What an awful person.

People like this always get caught, they think they are very smart and cover their tracks, but it's impossible to keep spinning the web of lies. They get addicted to the buzz of it all and think it's harmless but there is so much collateral damage. You, his wife, their kids, their families, friends, etc.

I don't know if I would tell her either because as others have said, it's not as easy as just dropping the bomb and washing your hands of it. She would be extremely angry and upset but you would take the blame. She has probably been gaslit and manipulated for years.

Yeah, when you start lying it's so hard to keep up with the lies as you have to remember all what you said, whereas if you are telling the truth you don't need to keep track of everything you have said before.

Definitely, if she has been with him for 17 years I am worried she would not believe me or I would come off worse than him. Even though I genuinely didn't know. I was tempted to message her and say "I'm a colleague of T and am concerned as I haven't heard from him and he told me about his cancer diagnosis. I saw you were his wife and wondered if everything was okay?" If she says he doesn't have cancer I could send her the screenshots I have saved where he told me .

She seems to have a well paying job too so I'm not sure if she's financially reliant on him, not to say he hasn't manipulated her though.

 

[OmgObsessed]

I would make a fake Facebook with no photos (make a fake Gmail and don't use your phone #) or anything and message the wife.
"Hey is your husband douche? I heard through the grapevine he is having an affair. I just thought I would let you know."
Then just forget about the account and move on. Don't give any details just short and sweet. Don't mention the cancer or false identity. Let God/Earth/Buddah whatever decide when she will read the message request and it's up to her from there.

Btw every relationship I've been in I've been cheated on. Thank you to all the women who reach out. We have to look out for each other. 🩷

 

[HelloStereo]

I would make a fake Facebook with no photos (make a fake Gmail and don't use your phone #) or anything and message the wife.
"Hey is your husband douche? I heard through the grapevine he is having an affair. I just thought I would let you know."
Then just forget about the account and move on. Don't give any details just short and sweet. Don't mention the cancer or false identity. Let God/Earth/Buddah whatever decide when she will read the message request and it's up to her from there.

Btw every relationship I've been in I've been cheated on. Thank you to all the women who reach out. We have to look out for each other. 🩷

I think he is so manipulative without evidence it would be difficult. I wish I could give screenshots with the pic in even though you can't properly see them she would surely recognise it.

The more I think about it the more it makes me sick. To not only cheat on his wife but then make up fake identities to perpetuate a lie he has cancer? To use his son's names and details of his genuine brother to further the lie. I remember the texts he'd send saying it was T's last chance at treatment because the chemo wasn't working to shrink the tumours etc.

This is a sign of a very sick individual. And on the face of it he seems completely normal / stable? Been married a long time, good stable job, two sons etc. What could possibly drive him to do something as heinous as this is beyond me.

So I'm not sure creating fake profiles and giving no other details would work. If he went to this trouble to manipulate me I'm sure he can with her.
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BTW might sound mad but I gave myself a timeline to get over this so to speak. After finding out the full story, i decided
February is a "free month" where I can mull over it and do what feels best in terms of if I want to stay in bed for the weekend eating chocolate I can. After that i want to draw a line under it. From March back working it at the gym, going on my walks and learning new recipes for tasty food. Once I'm back to feeling my best I might dip my toes into dating again. It gets brighter from spring anyway.

I know I can walk away from this knowing I was always 100% myself. It might make me more cynical and quicker to point out inconsistencies in future - but it hasn't made me bitter or would stop me from being open with someone more genuine.

 

[Calabria]

I’m so glad you have walked away.

a friend of mine was in a situation similar to this with a man she’d been dating, he started lying about having cancer and other transmissible illnesses. Then he started stalking her beating her and the Police had to get involved. Unfortunately before the Police could do anything she was dead by her own hands.
Months later he took his own life.

There are some fucked up people in this world. Before what happened to my friend I’d have been an advocate for telling the wife. Now I would say block, delete, move on. You don’t know what sort of unhinged weirdo you’re dealing with.

 

[HelloStereo]

I’m so glad you have walked away.

a friend of mine was in a situation similar to this with a man she’d been dating, he started lying about having cancer and other transmissible illnesses. Then he started stalking her beating her and the Police had to get involved. Unfortunately before the Police could do anything she was dead by her own hands.
Months later he took his own life.

There are some fucked up people in this world. Before what happened to my friend I’d have been an advocate for telling the wife. Now I would say block, delete, move on. You don’t know what sort of unhinged weirdo you’re dealing with.

That's so awful. RIP to your friend, I'm so sorry.

There are some terrible people out there, it makes you wonder what drives people to lie about something like that - a way to control them by emotionally manipulating them perhaps.

 

[HelloStereo]

So a little update from me. I thought so long and hard about telling his wife. When I found out he was married obviously I felt many emotions but I didn't want to just be telling her to get back at him as I know finding out your spouse is cheating must be devastating and might break up a family. But equally it must be horrible to be completely oblivious and find out a long time afterwards. I know there was a bit of conversation from a few of you on here saying how you'd have wanted to know if it was you etc.

I've spent some time looking after myself and taking care of my emotions but I still had it in the back of my mind whether I should tell her or not, and that along with the screenshots in case I did decide were holding me back a little bit. I know it might seem like I am overinvested but it's not so much I want to be with him / care about him or think about him specifically anymore, just how I would leave the situation and whether I would tell her.

I found another social media account belonging to the wife today and someone from 2011 had publicly addressed her with multiple screenshots of a conversation her husband was having with another woman, with the caption "@ your husband is cheating on you, here's proof." These conversations were all made in his real name with his profile picture attached etc. I felt devastated for her as it must be humiliating having your husband's dirty conversations aired out in public. But it seems like she was aware of his behaviour / inclination for infidelity in the past and has forgiven him so I feel like I can move on.

 

[TheGlossy]

It’s been 6 months…You’re just torturing yourself doing all this archive digging and contemplating whether you should tell the wife.

 

[Meg78]

So a little update from me. I thought so long and hard about telling his wife. When I found out he was married obviously I felt many emotions but I didn't want to just be telling her to get back at him as I know finding out your spouse is cheating must be devastating and might break up a family. But equally it must be horrible to be completely oblivious and find out a long time afterwards. I know there was a bit of conversation from a few of you on here saying how you'd have wanted to know if it was you etc.

I've spent some time looking after myself and taking care of my emotions but I still had it in the back of my mind whether I should tell her or not, and that along with the screenshots in case I did decide were holding me back a little bit. I know it might seem like I am overinvested but it's not so much I want to be with him / care about him or think about him specifically anymore, just how I would leave the situation and whether I would tell her.

I found another social media account belonging to the wife today and someone from 2011 had publicly addressed her with multiple screenshots of a conversation her husband was having with another woman, with the caption "@ your husband is cheating on you, here's proof." These conversations were all made in his real name with his profile picture attached etc. I felt devastated for her as it must be humiliating having your husband's dirty conversations aired out in public. But it seems like she was aware of his behaviour / inclination for infidelity in the past and has forgiven him so I feel like I can move on.

You have a good heart for thinking about her welfare, and I’m glad you have a resolution. It’s horrible how often these things happen now

 

[HelloStereo]

It’s been 6 months…You’re just torturing yourself doing all this archive digging and contemplating whether you should tell the wife.

Yeah I think it's because I still had those messages saved on my phone and I already knew her name. It wasn't much digging- her account is her name and there was one tweet with a reply.

I felt guilty that she would be oblivious to his actions before - I don't feel upset about him / what he did to me any more.
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You have a good heart for thinking about her welfare, and I’m glad you have a resolution. It’s horrible how often these things happen now

I didn't want to do it how the other person did - there are screenshots upon screenshots of the mucky messages he's sent someone else - all for the world to see
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Sorry but apart from this debacle - actually going on a date date with someone who has like me for about 8 years . He's definitely not married and is who he says he is, and is more local and makes me laugh. I told him I might be a bit guarded because of this situation and he said if it makes me feel any better he's in full health .