Lying about cancer?!

[HelloStereo]

I hate to post this and I'm sorry if anyone finds the topic triggering. I am going to change some details in this because I know it is an awful thing to accuse someone of but some things just don't make sense to me.

I started dating someone, let's call them T, in June. Things were going well. He works in my city on occasion so that's how I met him. We'd go on dates whenever he was working my way but I have never been to his house and I don't know where he lives beyond "a small village x miles from x city". I also don't know his last name or the company he works at so I can't peek on social media. Must sound bad I don't know these details but they never came up in a discussion when we were out for dinner or drinks. .

One evening we were just chatting over text and all of a sudden I didn't receive a reply until the next morning... He said he found a lump in his groin and went to have scans in the hospital overnight?! He didn't mention it for a little while and I didn't push because I didn't want to add stress. Eventually I did and he said it was definitely a hernia.

Things happened so quickly but he went in for a scan before his hernia operation and then was texting me saying they wanted to take biopsies. At the end of the week he went in for the results and disappeared over the weekend. Apparently he had to have an emergency operation and left his phone on charge at home so he couldn't tell me. Yet I had seen him pop up a few times on WhatsApp over the weekend. I asked him about this in a way that was just "oh right, I saw you on WhatsApp a few times" and he said "Why would I lie? Maybe the app was running in the background..."

After this he was quickly referred for radiotherapy and his first appointment was at the weekend. He then text me on a Monday to say his diagnosis became more complicated. I then didn't hear from him for weeks until his brother messages from his phone, to say he had lots of surgery but wasn't expected to make it out of hospital because the tumours were really aggressive and in an area that couldn't be removed with surgery. He asked if I wanted his number to talk as T wasn't really able to use his phone and I said yes. Note: my messages were on unread before this and he doesn't have a last seen. I knew I'd drive myself nuts just constantly looking on WhatsApp to see if he ever came online so I didn't.

I didn't hear for weeks and it was horrible. Eventually his brother messaged again from T's phone saying he had to call the carrier to unlock it as T had forgotten the passcode. I then finally got the brother's number and we have been talking. T is undergoing treatment etc, yet is often sedated due to pain. it's weird because he says his phone is always by his bedside, yet he contacted me from it at 11pm...

I asked if I could see T and was told only four nominated visitors could see him, I then asked if I could just wait outside and not go in and was told he doesn't want to see me until he is better. I asked if I could send a card or present for Christmas and was told the hospital is very strict and doesn't accept gifts or cards. Yet over Christmas apparently the staff brought in presents for the patients?

I ask the brother more about the prognosis but am just told he is very poorly, in a lot of pain, has a low probability of pulling through etc. Yet other times he is talking about us hopefully seeing each other soon and talking about T's house and the nice walks there are that we can go on together (I have never been to T's house as he always came to my city for work and then got sick). It has all happened so quickly and I haven't seen him since he became poorly in October so it's not like I have seen the lumps etc myself.

It's such a mindf*ck and I have no idea whether it's all true or not. The vagueness of what's going on, the absences, suddenly disappearing overnight to have scans, being in hospital without a phone and yet being online, not being able to see him or send anything. I want to be there but I want to know what I'm going into, and whether I will see him again. Yet it has been months and I don't know what someone would gain from lying for so long.

What does everyone think? Also, are there any questions I can ask which don't seem like I'm accusing them of lying but just so I can get a better idea of what's going on? If true I want to be there but I would very much like to know if there is a chance I would be able to see him again. I feel awful for doubting them as it's an awful thing to accuse someone of but some things are just so odd and I'm wondering if there is a way I can get a more concrete answer. I don't know if it's me struggling to process it and looking for excuses but there are so many little things that don't add up, that I didn't want to question before because I didn't want to accuse anyone of lying or cause bad feeling during a difficult time.

Sorry it's so emotive.

 

[laughing]

He is playing a game with you.

Block him and move on.

 

[Phil I Buster]

Everything coupled with the fact you last saw him in October says walk away. I had someone play a similar stunt on me and it was despicable. Sorry you’ve dealt with this but block and move on.

 

[Very traditional]

None of what you’re being told rings true, I don’t know why anyone would lie about something like this but I think that’s what’s happening here. I would definitely stop contact. I really hope you’re ok, I can’t imagine how this must have made you feel xx

 

[Snippysnips]

It's only been a few months, honestly I'd move on, if someone was hiding things like their last name, where they lived an who they worked for etc I'd have said forget it an left then

I don't know if the cancer is true or not but the games he is playing with this all disappearing an not being honest really isn't worth it, it would he hard to walk away if you had been together for years an all this happened, so it's best to do it now and get over it rather than it happen again years down the line

 

[HelloStereo]

None of what you’re being told rings true, I don’t know why anyone would lie about something like this but I think that’s what’s happening here. I would definitely stop contact. I really hope you’re ok, I can’t imagine how this must have made you feel xx

Thank you. I feel so anxious if it is true and that's what kept me holding on. We were getting on really well and I was excited to see where things would lead. Then all of a sudden he gets really sick. I didn't want to walk away when he was sick, his brother keeps saying things like "it's really hard but he only smiles when he talks about you" and it made me feel so bad I was considering walking away.

 

[LaraQ]

Red flags everywhere.Run, don't walk away from this man.He sounds extremely messed up to me.

 

[HelloStereo]

It's only been a few months, honestly I'd move on, if someone was hiding things like their last name, where they lived an who they worked for etc I'd have said forget it an left then

I don't know if the cancer is true or not but the games he is playing with this all disappearing an not being honest really isn't worth it, it would he hard to walk away if you had been together for years an all this happened, so it's best to do it now and get over it rather than it happen again years down the line

Yeah it was only a few months. It was quite intense though, he kept inviting me away on holiday and professing his feelings for me. I know it hadn't been long but if it was true I still wanted to be there for him. He wasn't really hiding his last name or where he worked, it just didn't come up. I don't think he knows my last name or where I work until recently.

I had a brief thought his brother might be him haha. His brother's whatsapp picture shows him with a wife but it is taken from far away and he's wearing a cap so I can't see his face properly, but he has emojis for his status which are the same as T's. I always wondered if there was trouble at home and he had a brief fling with me and then went back to his wife .

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Block, delete and move on.

id be doubtful that the brother even exists, let alone the cancer.

way too many red flags there. The fact you’ve never been to his house and don’t even know his last name?

honestly just walk away!

 

[Snippysnips]

Yeah it was only a few months. It was quite intense though, he kept inviting me away on holiday and professing his feelings for me. I know it hadn't been long but if it was true I still wanted to be there for him. He wasn't really hiding his last name or where he worked, it just didn't come up. I don't think he knows my last name or where I work until recently.

I had a brief thought his brother might be him haha. His brother's whatsapp picture shows him with a wife but it is taken from far away and he's wearing a cap so I can't see his face properly, but he has emojis for his status which are the same as T's. I always wondered if there was trouble at home and he had a brief fling with me and then went back to his wife .

It could definitely be he has a wife or gf an this is his way of trying to go between you both since I assume if he does have another half he probably tells them he works away from home for so long

You don't need to answer but had money ever been mentioned? Could this be a set up to guilt you into paying for medical bills that won't exist?

If money ever does come up then definitely red flags an you need to get out

 

[D2them]

I agree with what the others have said, block and move on. He's playing a sick game with you, it's not on. Also I doubt if that's his brother you've been messaging, probably him all along. Weirdo. Sending hugs and love, you deserve better xx

 

[HelloStereo]

Block, delete and move on.

id be doubtful that the brother even exists, let alone the cancer.

way too many red flags there. The fact you’ve never been to his house and don’t even know his last name?

honestly just walk away!

I don't know if the brother is him. I can't see him properly in the picture but his brother said "T always mentions you to me and my wife when we visit". Yet when T and I were talking about what we usually do for Christmas, T said his family come to him as he has the biggest house, and whatever girlfriend his brother might have at the time...He always came to me in my city, and then he was away on a few holidays so I never got a chance to go to his house as he lives 150 miles ish away from me.

At one point they're saying "he wants to see you when he's at home and better" and then they're saying "he probably won't make it out of hospital".

 

[TheGlossy]

This story reads a lot like many other fabricated cancer stories out there. The big red flags:
- You’re dating but you don’t know where he works or lives. How can you not know the company where he works (at least)?
- His brother texted you from his phone (this seems to be a reoccurring theme with fabricated stories - a third party always pops up in acting / communicating on behalf of the person because the main party is “too unwell”). It’s probably him pretending to be his brother.
- If you follow real cancer stories on YouTube etc, surgery doesn’t happen that quickly after the initial diagnosis. The process is more complex than “we need to operate immediately” and goes through various layers of reviews / examinations / options assessment.
- The story keeps on getting more concerning and escalates quickly every couple of days. There is always a fast progression with amplified facts with these fabricated cancer stories.

Go and take a look at YouTube - there are plenty of these fake stories.

Be careful because the next step in the story could be him asking for money or donations because the doctors supposedly want to give him a treatment that’s not so common and needs significant funding.

 

[HelloStereo]

It could definitely be he has a wife or gf an this is his way of trying to go between you both since I assume if he does have another half he probably tells them he works away from home for so long

You don't need to answer but had money ever been mentioned? Could this be a set up to guilt you into paying for medical bills that won't exist?

If money ever does come up then definitely red flags an you need to get out

No he's in an NHS hospital apparently. He's been in permanently for a few months now. In that time he's had radiotherapy, chemo + radiotherapy combined and another round of chemo, plus surgeries. So three rounds in two-ish months? I don't know it seems a lot.

Maybe that's why he never invited me down though. I sort of what to see how this ends up. Surely in the end he either has to come clean?

 

[D2them]

He's defo married or has a gf hence disappearing acts and you knowing so little about him. Let it go, please xx

 

[HelloStereo]

This story reads a lot like many other fabricated cancer stories out there. The big red flags:
- You’re dating but you don’t know where he works or lives
- His brother texted you from his phone (this seems to be a reoccurring theme with fabricated stories - a third party always pops in acting on behalf of the person).
- If you follow cancer stories, surgery doesn’t happen that quickly. There process is more complex than “we need to operate immediately”.

Perhaps I assumed the best in people, I don't see what there is to gain from lying about cancer, but this is so weird and there are such red flags as you say. Like having emergency surgeries twice, going in for scans on a lump in the groin overnight in hospital? Also his brother texting me off his phone at 11pm and then in the next breath saying the phone is always by his bedside.

I just feel so awful if there is a smidgen of truth that I am just walking away. I didn't know if there is a way to get more detail to really know what's going on.

 

[TheGlossy]

Perhaps I assumed the best in people, I don't see what there is to gain from lying about cancer, but this is so weird and there are such red flags as you say. Like having emergency surgeries twice, going in for scans on a lump in the groin overnight in hospital? Also his brother texting me off his phone at 11pm and then in the next breath saying the phone is always by his bedside.

I just feel so awful if there is a smidgen of truth that I am just walking away. I didn't know if there is a way to get more detail to really know what's going on.

I added another paragraph to my answer regarding what he can gain from this story. He’ll soon start asking for donations etc.

He is visibly suffering from a mental illness of some sort and is probably getting comfort in the attention he’s getting from this story. Your level headed question of “I don’t see what he can gain from all this” seems to indicate that part of you believes him but this type of logical question doesn’t really apply why this type of person. They don’t think rationally or logically the way other people do.

He’s got no internet presence and hasn’t allowed you to see him in real life since the beginning of this whole ordeal. Besides, if he’s being so obscure about where he works and lives, it’s obviously to have a cover up because he doesn’t want up be traced. One day he’ll probably just vanish never to be heard from again.

 

[puddleduck]

Can’t you locate the hospital if you know the rough area?
Also if you are the one whose name he lights up to and he is likely terminal then no human or hospital would keep you apart.
Am guessing you are young and he is, well just do what everyone says and cut all contact for your own sake.

 

[HelloStereo]

I added another paragraph to my answer regarding what he can gain from this story. He’ll soon start asking for donations etc.

He is visibly suffering from a mental illness of some sort and is probably getting comfort in the attention he’s getting from this story. Your level headed question of “I don’t see what he can gain from all this” seems to indicate that part of you believes him but this type of logical question doesn’t really apply why this type of person. They don’t think rationally or logically the way other people do.

He’s got no internet presence and hasn’t allowed you to see him in real life since the beginning of this whole ordeal. Besides, if he’s being so obscure about where he works and lives, it’s obviously to have a cover up because he doesn’t want up be traced. One day he’ll probably just vanish never to be heard from again.

Thank you. I will see if it progresses to that. I'm not in a position to fund any treatments so I will have to tell him he needs to rely on family.

I find the story difficult to believe. I just didn't understand why someone would lie about something for so long. Maybe it was for attention but he wouldn't respond for weeks at a time sometime If it was a way to ghost he wouldn't need to keep it up. But you're right he could just disappear. I wouldn't be able to trace him. I don't know if he deliberately kept that from me though (although he was vague about where he lives whereas he knows where I live).

He mentioned places he worked in the past, and he used to live in my city and mentioned where he lived then. Just not where he currently lives. I tried searching for him on LinkedIn through past companies but found nothing.

Can’t you locate the hospital if you know the rough area?
Also if you are the one whose name he lights up to and he is likely terminal then no human or hospital would keep you apart.
Am guessing you are young and he is, well just do what everyone says and cut all contact for your own sake.

He lives in a small village x number of miles from a larger city. I have looked on Google Maps but there are quite a few hospitals in that area. Even if I knew which one I wouldn't really know what to do because I'm guessing they wouldn't give me more info and I don't know his last name etc. I did find it strange his brother told me that talking about me was the only time he smiled, yet I have asked several times to visit only to be told he wants to see me only when he's at home and better. Yet then saying it's likely he won't go home etc.

His brother said yesterday "he is really poorly. In October they said he only has a low chance of pulling through". I then asked why he was saying I could go and see him at home when he's better, and the walks we can go on by his house if he's not expected to pull through. He hasn't replied even though I have seen him online lots today .

Sorry re: ages - we're both in our 30s.

 

[candyland_]

Just from the first paragraph huge red alarm bells are ringing. I think you are someone he hooks up with while away from home and he’s making ridiculous excuses to get out of it. The whole situation is bizarre.

Tell him good luck and block.