Lying about cancer?!

[Clickbait]

I’m afraid I think this is all a complete fabrication. As for why - it may be that he is already in a relationship but had time in the early days to spend with you, possibly working away from home and staying in a hotel hence you not seeing where he lived or being invited there.

It could be he’s just a weirdo who likes to string women along with wild stories. Some people get a thrill out of lying and getting others to believe them. It might be an elaborate con.

There are just too many plot holes and inconsistencies in his story. If you’re telling the truth you don’t need a good memory. My fear is that he is doing this to multiple women hence not being able to remember exactly what has been said.

Medically speaking, hospital beds are at a premium particularly in Winter so if he was able to be at home with family support that would be preferable for both him as the patient and the hospital. Either his diagnosis is terminal or it isn’t. It could be it is terminal but he can have treatment to prolong his life. Perhaps you just need to be blunt and ask whether that is the case.

I think you are a little over-invested for such a short time, but it seems you’ve been dragged into a strange game and feel bad for doubting him. It’s rather like men claiming family illnesses or dead grandparents when they’re trying to keep a door open for the future - they say things that are hard to question or be angry about.

Either step away from contact and see what he does, or challenge him with some direct questions to try and establish authenticity.

 

[HelloStereo]

I’m afraid I think this is all a complete fabrication. As for why - it may be that he is already in a relationship but had time in the early days to spend with you, possibly working away from home and staying in a hotel hence you not seeing where he lived or being invited there.

It could be he’s just a weirdo who likes to string women along with wild stories. Some people get a thrill out of lying and getting others to believe them. It might be an elaborate con.

There are just too many plot holes and inconsistencies in his story. If you’re telling the truth you don’t need a good memory. My fear is that he is doing this to multiple women hence not being able to remember exactly what has been said.

Medically speaking, hospital beds are at a premium particularly in Winter so if he was able to be at home with family support that would be preferable for both him as the patient and the hospital. Either his diagnosis is terminal or it isn’t. It could be it is terminal but he can have treatment to prolong his life. Perhaps you just need to be blunt and ask whether that is the case.

I think you are a little over-invested for such a short time, but it seems you’ve been dragged into a strange game and feel bad for doubting him. It’s rather like men claiming family illnesses or dead grandparents when they’re trying to keep a door open for the future - they say things that are hard to question or be angry about.

Either step away from contact and see what he does, or challenge him with some direct questions to try and establish authenticity.

I think these are my thoughts. There are lots of plot holes and like you say, if you're telling the truth you don't need to remember what lies you have told and your story is consistent.

I feel like I want to ask questions to see what's going on or confirm that he's lying and need to ask about whether the diagnosis is terminal. What I got from them was "the outlook is poor but it's not final" which doesn't really mean anything. Poor as in it's not curable or poor as in he's going to die within months?

I agree about being overinvested. I don't think I would be so much if he hadn't talked about the cancer. Having someone then say things like "he only smiles when he talks about you" just seems like a way to emotionally manipulate someone but it did work a bit.

You have had some very supportive comments on this thread.

My only response would be that if you're in your 30's and there's even 1% of you that thinks that even 1% of this *may* be true then genuinely, I can't be of service here.

Haha this is true I think I can be a little naive at times. It's one of those things where you know people lie about it but you don't realise how common it is or that it'll happen to you.

 

[Keikochan]

This story is def sus. You don't just go in & get a scan at the hospital. Logically we all know if there was a lump, we would go GP and then if needed get referred to hospital and get a scheduled appointment. Results of which aren't that quick unfortunately.

The addition of his brother.....it's him. His is bored in his life and wants to play with emotions to make himself feel better.

Although hospitals don't really like patients getting gifts (flowers/cards) bc it clutters & can be irritants to other patients etc so that part could be explained.

Does his brother have a last name on whatsapp? That could give you a clue if you needed. Could you call him and talk on the phone? Listen to backround noise etc.

I think I can imagine how you are feeling & how you are hoping this all isn't a sick joke. But as strangers on the internet looking in with no ties to the story, we are seeing red flags and we don't want you to get more hurt.

 

[HelloStereo]

This story is def sus. You don't just go in & get a scan at the hospital. Logically we all know if there was a lump, we would go GP and then if needed get referred to hospital and get a scheduled appointment. Results of which aren't that quick unfortunately.

The addition of his brother.....it's him. His is bored in his life and wants to play with emotions to make himself feel better.

Although hospitals don't really like patients getting gifts (flowers/cards) bc it clutters & can be irritants to other patients etc so that part could be explained.

Does his brother have a last name on whatsapp? That could give you a clue if you needed. Could you call him and talk on the phone? Listen to backround noise etc.

I think I can imagine how you are feeling & how you are hoping this all isn't a sick joke. But as strangers on the internet looking in with no ties to the story, we are seeing red flags and we don't want you to get more hurt.

Yeah I thought if you found a lump you'd book an appointment in with your gp and they'd do tests. He just disappeared overnight and text me in the morning to say he found a lump and had tests and scans during the night which is just odd. But surely even if you're lying you know that is implausible

That's a good point re: cards, I didn't think of that. Although he did then say the staff were buying gifts for patients so I'm not sure if it is clutter or just infection control. His brother said he wasn't even allowed a phone charger in but he had to sneak it in.

His brother has no last name on WhatsApp it was just whatever I assigned to him. I also find it odd one time his brother didn't respond for a few days and said he left his phone in the car and his wife took the car, yet I could see his last seen status and he had been onlkne inbetween then. I might phone him to talk about everything to check out the story. I imagine it is harder to lie off the cuff than through text.

 

[TheGlossy]

Google the brother to see if anything comes up (just first name and city if you have it).

Also, wouldn’t need his last name to send a card to the hospital? Likelihood is he won’t give any info about his last name or hospital since these would be a dead giveaway.

Honestly, I don’t know how you can date someone whose last name is still a mystery to you after 6 months of dating. This part really baffles me because it’s a safety mater to me. Did you try asking for his last name before all this?

Did you meet him online first or how did you meet it? You don’t want to answer these, that’s fine, but the way you met him could be an indicator as well.

 

[atomic]

Not sure if you have tried this, but search the mobile number on Facebook, LinkedIn etc. Some people have their accounts set up where they can be found by searching their number.

Though I agree with everyone else on here that you need to cut contact and move on. He is absolutely playing you.

But it would be great to suss him out and beat him at his own game first!

 

[Louber]

I don't believe for a second that this is genuine. Not sure what the motive is. Possibly he just enjoys the attention. It might have started out as a genuine connection, I agree with others who say he's probably married and that the brother is just him all along. For whatever reason things changed and he had to come up with a cock and bull cancer story to keep you hanging on.

Obviously you should probably just block and move on.. I personally would be dying to know the truth or the near truth anyway. Would you think about trying to draw him out a bit? If me I'd want to know more... I'd start telling the "brother" that you've met somebody else.. that you've seen each other a good few times and it is developing into something meaningful. That the situation is all a bit confusing and you're not sure where your heart lies... blah blah blah... that you haven't seen the sick lad in so long now that it's hard to keep the candle burning and part of you just wants to move on. Then see what the response is like. He either tells u fair enough, you should move on as the bro is 1 foot in the grave or he becomes desperate to "keep" you. Like why the hell would the brother of a guy u were having a casual relationship with be keeping in such detailed contact with you, who he has never met.. surely if it's all true, the last thing he'd want is to be updating a random?

 

[HelloStereo]

Google the brother to see if anything comes up (just first name and city if you have it).

Also, wouldn’t need his last name to send a card to the hospital? Likelihood is he won’t give any info about his last name or hospital since these would be a dead giveaway.

Honestly, I don’t know how you can date someone whose last name is still a mystery to you after 6 months of dating. This part really baffles me because it’s a safety mater to me. Did you try asking for his last name before all this?

Did you meet him online first or how did you meet it? You don’t want to answer these, that’s fine, but the way you met him could be an indicator as well.

I'm not sure really. I didn't ask for his last name and since October I have barely spoken to him (once at the start, once towards the end and then heard from his brother a week or so ago).

I met him when I was out after work. I want to send a card and it would be a good indicator. I want to ask his brother where he is and what his last name is, but his brother seems to block me trying to find out things for myself.

 

[TheGlossy]

I think if he were married, he’d come up with a different story (travels a lot for work etc). The reason being is that you never know what trajectory this cancer story could take and it might reach his wife’s ears (it’s a small world especially with social media where people are quick to post about stories like these to warn people out there).

I don’t think he’d risk his marriage with such a dramatic story.

I think he’s looking for money or is a pathological liar.

 

[HelloStereo]

Not sure if you have tried this, but search the mobile number on Facebook, LinkedIn etc. Some people have their accounts set up where they can be found by searching their number.

Though I agree with everyone else on here that you need to cut contact and move on. He is absolutely playing you.

But it would be great to suss him out and beat him at his own game first!

I do want to suss him out. I have tried searching his number on Facebook but nothing comes up. I try searching via where he went to uni and a past job he had too and nothing.

 

[candyland_]

Have you tried searching his phone number? Maybe on Facebook? I’m not sure if this is still a thing as I no longer use it.
Id be tempted to get a friend to text him saying something like ‘Hey.. it’s X (made up person). Have you had a good Christmas?’. If he’s fit and well he will probably jump at texting them back.

 

[Okgolightly]

Yeah it was only a few months. It was quite intense though, he kept inviting me away on holiday and professing his feelings for me. I know it hadn't been long but if it was true I still wanted to be there for him. He wasn't really hiding his last name or where he worked, it just didn't come up. I don't think he knows my last name or where I work until recently.

I had a brief thought his brother might be him haha. His brother's whatsapp picture shows him with a wife but it is taken from far away and he's wearing a cap so I can't see his face properly, but he has emojis for his status which are the same as T's. I always wondered if there was trouble at home and he had a brief fling with me and then went back to his wife .

I was going to say the thought I had when reading was that the brother is him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s absolutely awful. I would say with 99.9% certainty he is lying to you. Maybe send a message saying you don’t want to distract from his treatment or whatever and leave the ball in his court to contact you. From my experience with people like this you’ll get nowhere asking him for the truth, he will just continue the lie. Best to leave him in 2022.

 

[TheGlossy]

I do want to suss him out. I have tried searching his number on Facebook but nothing comes up. I try searching via where he went to uni and a past job he had too and nothing.

Have you tried performing a Google search on any of his pictures or his brother’s?

 

[HelloStereo]

I don't believe for a second that this is genuine. Not sure what the motive is. Possibly he just enjoys the attention. It might have started out as a genuine connection, I agree with others who say he's probably married and that the brother is just him all along. For whatever reason things changed and he had to come up with a cock and bull cancer story to keep you hanging on.

Obviously you should probably just block and move on.. I personally would be dying to know the truth or the near truth anyway. Would you think about trying to draw him out a bit? If me I'd want to know more... I'd start telling the "brother" that you've met somebody else.. that you've seen each other a good few times and it is developing into something meaningful. That the situation is all a bit confusing and you're not sure where your heart lies... blah blah blah... that you haven't seen the sick lad in so long now that it's hard to keep the candle burning and part of you just wants to move on. Then see what the response is like. He either tells u fair enough, you should move on as the bro is 1 foot in the grave or he becomes desperate to "keep" you. Like why the hell would the brother of a guy u were having a casual relationship with be keeping in such detailed contact with you, who he has never met.. surely if it's all true, the last thing he'd want is to be updating a random?

Apparently T said he wanted me to know everything so I guess his brother feels obliged to update me.

I was thinking of saying something like I need to move on etc to see what he says. When he first got back in touch he was asking if I had a message for T, and I just said tell him I miss him and am thinking of him. And the brother got sort of annoyed and was saying how he doesn't want to play with T's feelings and then after saying T was sad as he thought I'd moved on. I do wonder what they'd do I'd I said I had.

 

[cantthinkofaname2]

Reverse search his images, they’ve probably been used elsewhere

I’d personally be running a mile and blocking on all platforms, but I also understand the curiosity

 

[HelloStereo]

Have you tried performing a Google search on any of his pictures or his brother’s?

Yeah I screenshotted both pictures and did a reverse image search. It just came up with similar shirts to the one he was wearing, and his brother's just came up with similar landscapes.

 

[TheGlossy]

Apparently T said he wanted me to know everything so I guess his brother feels obliged to update me.

I was thinking of saying something like I need to move on etc to see what he says. When he first got back in touch he was asking if I had a message for T, and I just said tell him I miss him and am thinking of him. And the brother got sort of annoyed and was saying how he doesn't want to play with T's feelings and then after saying T was sad as he thought I'd moved on. I do wonder what they'd do I'd I said I had.

You don’t. You just disappear. If you tell them you’re moving on, the emotional blackmail will get worse and you don’t know these people. They could be dangerous.

Emotional blackmail and guilt tripping is a huge component in such stories.

 

[JSK90]

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this mindf*ck situation but it does sound like it's all a load of compulsive lies to get whatever sicko attention this guy feels he wants from you.

I know this is probably a long shot but it's just with you shortening his name to T and the story .. I don't suppose this person is located anywhere at all in South Yorkshire?

 

[HelloStereo]

You don’t. You just disappear. If you tell them you’re moving on, the emotional blackmail will get worse and you don’t these people. They could be dangerous.

I sort of worry what might happen if I agree to visit him at his house and someone comes along to pick me up claiming to be his brother, that seems unsafe.

I have spoken to T twice when he has been better and not sedated and he said he'd have understood if I had moved on. But the curiosity just meant I wasn't really thinking about other dates just yet.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this mindf*ck situation but it does sound like it's all a load of compulsive lies to get whatever sicko attention this guy feels he wants from you.

I know this is probably a long shot but it's just with you shortening his name to T and the story .. I don't suppose this person is located anywhere at all in South Yorkshire?

His name doesn't begin with T I just used it for some anonymity. He lives in the south west of England though his "brother" lives in South Yorkshire....

 

[TheGlossy]

The fact you’re contemplating visiting him at his house after all the red flags have been highlighted … I don’t understand, honestly.