Lydia again. I’m bored in the house and I’m in the house bored. Not just in quarantine. This is my personal life mantra. I might have it etched on my gravestone. Obviously bougie it up a bit. I’ve seen the perfect pair of white linen elasticated trousers to be buried in too. I need to be comfy after all if I’m in there for a long time. I might order two pairs just in case.
Anyway, all this boredom has left me feeling spendy. I spend at least 23 hours 43 minutes each day on eBay or FB Marketplace (dedicated interior designers don’t sleep did you know, looking at you Steve Cordony), sourcing the perfect bespoke bougie fauxtiques, lights, frames, urns, trunks, benches, laundry baskets, cushions or any old tit really. It just has to look antique and pinteresty, but more importantly earn me money. I’m like the Mother Theresa of the influencer world. I’m single-handily keeping the British economy afloat with all my affiliate links in these unprecedented times. It’s revelationary or revolutionary, I never know which is the right word, despite acknowledging this 583 times before, but I only own showy blank paged books, not a real dictionary so I can’t check. I wonder if I should run for priminister. BoJo’s definitely on his way out after siding with his bestie. What an imbecile. I’d never do that for Cawwiee. Money over witches every time. Think of the bougie boss linen outfits. Think of all the restyling I could do at Number 10. But it does seem like I’d have to do some work, everyone keeps going on about this bloody pandemic, but I’m obviously too busy to check the news, so maybe it’s not the job for me. I like offices you see, I now have three after convincing Ali to change up his whiskey room. I’d have four, but no-one offered to gift me a free office outhouse for all our staff. Such tight-arses. So I like offices, just not office work. Small minor detail.
Anyway, have I told you all, how much I love linen. I’m thinking about renewing my wedding vows. Not because I want to reaffirm my love to Ali, you silly moos. But because I’ve seen the perfect white linen wedding dress I just have to have. As you all know linen creases. You just have to embrace the natural rawness and beauty of it. Then you will come to love the fabric as much as me. Well this, and it also means I have the perfect excuse not to do anything. Anytime I want something doing like pouring a glass of wine or removing the pebbles from the courtyard, I just click my fingers and tell Ali ‘babeeeee, my beautiful dress will crease’. He’s such a good little obeying poppet, but recently he’s been getting right on my cement tits. All he’s been doing is mocking my eyebrows. Yes, I’ve had to rebrand and restock Glòby because those annoying conniving little Tattlers have nothing better to do than to out me. Trolls. They’re just so jealous of me. Don’t hate me because you ain’t me. Well to get to the point, I’ve now had to come up with some other game-changing, life-saviour beauty product. It’s a hybrid of an all in one multi-purpose stick on full brows, faux fringe, moustache. Thanks Tattle for the inspo. And who better, prettier, beautifuler, hipper to try it out on than yours truly. Side note - I was also hoping if I tried to emulate Lumi’s cat fur with my overgrown bushy brows, then Ali might pay me some more attention. Well that backfired. I’m going to have to make him re-paint the living room now just for fun. Black was so last week anyway and all my affiliate links have now sold out.
Oh is that the time. I’ve used up all of my 17 minutes leisure schedule. I guess I won’t have time to eat or wash myself today. Anyway I best get back to online ordering. So many things to beg for. So many new, shiny, bright things. Don’t forget to swipe up. Your country needs you too.
on a different planet
Some self-awareness at last. At long last. But tell it to me fresh. Just need to replace the ‘someone’ with ‘everyone’ and the ‘something’ with ‘everything’ then nailed it
This is definitely a direct hit at Tattle
We’re still patiently waiting for the Glòby reveal. Where it at Lydia? Stop stalling balling. Destiny is what happens when you commit to growing, learning and taking chances. That explains the hold up then. See you never.
