He's not quite the piggy eyed, doddery oul disaster she described is he!
Liz Jones #5 The podcast's an unmitigated disaster, about time the Diary was put out to pasture
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God yeah. Remember when every
Like when the ardent vegan would bleat on weekly about “buttery suede”. All the vegans I know are aware butter isn’t meant to have a slightly fluffy texture
You could see how he’d have been vaguely David Essex-like back in the 70s.
I vaguely remember the original article that photo came from. The next pic was him falling off the back of the chair.
I could be misremembering though.EDIT: apparently not. Why did I remembered this shite from 10 years ago?
Now I'm finally engaged, I had better make some appropriate New Year resolutions, writes LIZ JONES. I will love, certainly, and honour... but obey? No way!
Last week, LIZ JONES announced David Scrace, a man she first met 30 years ago, had proposed – and she said yes! Here, Liz looks forward to her new life with a series of candid New Year resolutions.
I glanced through the text and of course, that bleeping Dunhill lighter gets a mention.
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Well, well... the only other person in the world who still uses the phrase "have sex" wants to play Mr Wobbly Hides his Helmet with Juggo! What a coincidence!
Add that bombshell of imaginary fuckwittery to 90% re-recycled dross and voilà: the Dreary!
PS He must have seen her latest pic! Bowp bowp...!
Add that bombshell of imaginary fuckwittery to 90% re-recycled dross and voilà: the Dreary!
PS He must have seen her latest pic! Bowp bowp...!
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So: one minute David is totes in love with her and she's going to move him into the vicarage/annexe and they'll finally get married and live happily ever after. Now she wants to shag a married man and tell the world about it?
Liz Jones is everything men hate- vain, uncaring, not cuddly or sexual and moany. I am not buying she has a range of illicit trysts 
A married man who she doesn't fancy and to whom she's morally opposed - but he's rich, so duck all that.
I mean...is any of this likely? Someone she's interviewed, so someone who has actually heard her kittiwake scrawk of a voice, who has actually seen her crunchy black barnet, and yet someone who thought 'oh while I'm on that hiking holiday, shall I ask Liz Jones if I can put my dinkle in her?' ???
So only
Ah yes, surely you know John Lennon's little known work "The Ballad of the Myla Thong"? About how he bought Yoko said underthing (or underthong) and she said 'I'm not bleeping wearing that' so he was unfaithful?
So ... "Ms Jones - it's your editor here. We are thinking about a HUGE (i.e. you'll be paid £££s) article, plus interviews with 'other women', about the rights and wrongs of sex with married men. Could you in your diary say that you are considering illicit sex and then we can monitor the comments, so we know what our readers think. If it provokes enough interest, there could be a lot of moolah in this for you, which of course now that you are going to be the owner of An Annexe, you will need to bring it up to your standards of course." Dear Editor - "YES, YES, YES, but of course I shall need to keep my vest on."
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Dear Ms Jones, "No, you've misunderstood. You don't actually have to have sex, or to know someone who is willing. We just want you to fantasise." PS You can wear whatever you like."
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Dear Ms Jones, "No, you've misunderstood. You don't actually have to have sex, or to know someone who is willing. We just want you to fantasise." PS You can wear whatever you like."
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I think we have to step back back and look at what's really going on here.
Juggo's got her annexe. True.
She's fucked up the plodcast (despite Bebb doing most of the heavy lifting). True.
She and Bebb have fallen out. True.
Now... I have a strong suspicion that she and Dscrace went their separate ways at least a couple of years ago, and everything she's written since has been an attempt to goad him into a response. Any response. So she can churn out the usual dross. *But* I don't think he's responded to any of it. I suspect his real friends have circled the waggons around him.
She has no family that will speak to her under any circumstances.
Despite her acquisition of the annexe, she is making absolutely no plans as to what she will do with it (bearing in mind it is a pretty blank canvas). This is not normal. Normal would be "I fancy this kitchen, I'm looking at these colours, I can't wait to be able to bang a nail in the wall and hang a picture {very much front of mind for ex-renters), I can't wait to fill planters in the courtyard" etc etc. So, we can surmise she has no spare cash.
We know there is a community herb garden RIGHT OUTSIDE HER bleeping WINDOW but she hasn't mentioned it once!
We also know that, outside the odd freebie, she has absolutely no life. No friends. No real hobbies, passions, pass times.
We do know she drinks and binge-watches tit on the telly.
We do know she has delusions of attractiveness.
We do know she's a pensioner.
So: when her Editor says "So, what have we got to look forward to over the next few months then?" she must crap herself.
All she has to fall back on is her weird post-Jackie obsession with "having sex". It's clear she is emotionally stunted, she doesn't like men particularly and has no interest in developing what we would call a 'relationship'.
I suspect she's playing for time until she moves in, at which point it will be a bog-standard Juggo rinse 'n' repeat: all the neighbour's hate me, the shop doesn't stock Illy coffee, why are people staring through my windows until she finally gets the chop.
Juggo's got her annexe. True.
She's fucked up the plodcast (despite Bebb doing most of the heavy lifting). True.
She and Bebb have fallen out. True.
Now... I have a strong suspicion that she and Dscrace went their separate ways at least a couple of years ago, and everything she's written since has been an attempt to goad him into a response. Any response. So she can churn out the usual dross. *But* I don't think he's responded to any of it. I suspect his real friends have circled the waggons around him.
She has no family that will speak to her under any circumstances.
Despite her acquisition of the annexe, she is making absolutely no plans as to what she will do with it (bearing in mind it is a pretty blank canvas). This is not normal. Normal would be "I fancy this kitchen, I'm looking at these colours, I can't wait to be able to bang a nail in the wall and hang a picture {very much front of mind for ex-renters), I can't wait to fill planters in the courtyard" etc etc. So, we can surmise she has no spare cash.
We know there is a community herb garden RIGHT OUTSIDE HER bleeping WINDOW but she hasn't mentioned it once!
We also know that, outside the odd freebie, she has absolutely no life. No friends. No real hobbies, passions, pass times.
We do know she drinks and binge-watches tit on the telly.
We do know she has delusions of attractiveness.
We do know she's a pensioner.
So: when her Editor says "So, what have we got to look forward to over the next few months then?" she must crap herself.
All she has to fall back on is her weird post-Jackie obsession with "having sex". It's clear she is emotionally stunted, she doesn't like men particularly and has no interest in developing what we would call a 'relationship'.
I suspect she's playing for time until she moves in, at which point it will be a bog-standard Juggo rinse 'n' repeat: all the neighbour's hate me, the shop doesn't stock Illy coffee, why are people staring through my windows until she finally gets the chop.
Is there a small chance Liz might actually be a lesbian? She seems repulsed by men and fascinated by women, quite jealous of pretty ones.
It's come up in conversation a couple of times. I think it's unlikely (despite the obvious Sister George parallels). It seems as though, if anything, she's asexual. She never speaks of anyone with any real fondness, let alone passion. She has allegedly slept with 3 ½ people in her life and yet considers herself some sort of sex guru... despite the fact that her husband wasn't that into her and she hardly ever got shagged twice by anybody else (except the baker who had to seek *ahem* medical assistance. She is stuck at age 15 on a development scale, is determined to keep herself looking pre-pubescent (breast reduction and endless depilation). She is hopeless at interacting with real adults (her managerial 'talents' at Marie Claire are held up as an example of "how not to do it". All you have is a neurotic shell of narcissism and entitlement. Not a winning combination!
Yeah, I think if she were gay she'd absolutely milk it for sympathy/attention. She constantly harps about "people don't take me seriously because I'm white, I'm conservative, I don't have children, I can't play the minority card." Also the Mail has done a lot of stories based around the idea that middle-aged women find men aren't interested any more and then magically choose to be lesbians, if there were any possibility of including Liz they would have
I think she is incredibly sad. We only get one life, and she has spent a lot if hers being bitter and miserable, and all her money has just bought a higher standard of loneliness.
In an alternative universe Liz is writing about having a great time embracing living in the countryside, writing about hiking, horses and growing her own vegetables. Maybe she is laughing about her silly ex husband and his literary career, or the fact that when she looks at photos of her old crush David she realises how wrong she was about him at 20.
Writing this, I wish that was true. She can be very funny when she is on form with her writing, but that is getting rare. We are just getting miserable rehash after rehash and it is just sad really.
I would love for her to prove us all wrong, to change for good and be happy. But I think it might be to late for that.
In an alternative universe Liz is writing about having a great time embracing living in the countryside, writing about hiking, horses and growing her own vegetables. Maybe she is laughing about her silly ex husband and his literary career, or the fact that when she looks at photos of her old crush David she realises how wrong she was about him at 20.
Writing this, I wish that was true. She can be very funny when she is on form with her writing, but that is getting rare. We are just getting miserable rehash after rehash and it is just sad really.
I would love for her to prove us all wrong, to change for good and be happy. But I think it might be to late for that.
In everything she just seems either unwilling or unable to compromise with anyone.
We all have to make compromises in life and in love, she can’t and that’s why she has no life or love in it.
We all have to make compromises in life and in love, she can’t and that’s why she has no life or love in it.
Has she fallen out with her podcast mate?
I genuinely don't think she's written anything that's funny for at least 15 years. Do you remember how desperately hard she thrashed the "human Google" thing to death five years after it might have raised a smirk? Now she's reduced to nicking 'antidote' off Bebb and passing it off as an hilarious affectation of her own...
Such a waste of a life.
Suspected yes, Nic hasn't been on social media since November and Liz hasn't mentioned her as much. Nic does have serious health problems so it’s possible she can no longer work/is just not online for that reason, but Liz suggested in her column that they argued because she wanted to cut Nic’s wages due to Nic’s “reduced workload.” By which she presumably means Nic cannot work as much because of her health and/or there’s less to do because two of Liz’s pets have died, but still, I can see why Nic isn’t happy