I have a theory about that, it is nothing to do with being against super skinny models, it was probably Jone's own body issues, she would have hated it that in her job these much younger, much prettier and thinner models would have been par for the course, as such she was probably hoping that her quest to ban super skinnies would mean that the women coming in were more her size and she wouldn't be as jealous of them. But I totally agree that there's no way she would be campaigning for to ban very thin models, especially in light of her recent diatribe about having been bought a "size fat" dress which was in fact a 12 and is in no way fat (in fact looking at her she prob is a size 12)
Liz Jones #2 Nobody puts the Myla Thong in a corner!
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I have a theory about that, it is nothing to do with being against super skinny models, it was probably Jone's own body issues, she would have hated it that in her job these much younger, much prettier and thinner models would have been par for the course, as such she was probably hoping that her quest to ban super skinnies would mean that the women coming in were more her size and she wouldn't be as jealous of them. But I totally agree that there's no way she would be campaigning for to ban very thin models, especially in light of her recent diatribe about having been bought a "size fat" dress which was in fact a 12 and is in no way fat (in fact looking at her she prob is a size 12)
I think this might be Mrs Scrace , David’s mother who has appeared in one of my local papers. She’s living her best life, has raised a family and travelled widely as well as being married for about 70 years plus, also had a job helping others. In short she’s the antithesis of Jonesie. I love the wish for a sports car with the ‘wind in her hair’!
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You can see why Dscrace's folks loathed her! I imagine his siblings do too! What a game old Duchess!I think this might be Mrs Scrace , David’s mother who has appeared in one of my local papers. She’s living her best life, has raised a family and travelled widely as well as being married for about 70 years plus, also had a job helping others. In short she’s the antithesis of Jonesie. I love the wish for a sports car with the ‘wind in her hair’!
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They did! His late father thought she wrote ‘Prurient Rubbish’ and his mother worried about the relationship.
The diary article is called ‘In which I meet his family for the first time’ I’ve tried to attach it but it’s off the archive at moment.Its a hoot
This one: https://archive.ph/sDEY0
In Liz's book, saying someone's partner loves them = "having a connection to your feminine side" just like how she kept trying to hint Nirpal must be gay
In Liz's book, saying someone's partner loves them = "having a connection to your feminine side" just like how she kept trying to hint Nirpal must be gay
Brilliant! It wouldn’t open for me earlier. His family saw right through her!
I cant remember how I know it - maybe she mentioned it? Up until a couple of years ago I lived in Brixton, so maybe I worked it out. There's no Cormoran Road in Brixton that I'm aware of.
Jonesey used to live in Brixton in the 1880's and Dscrace was next door... but he didn't stay there. Quite apart from anything else, he was in the middle-east for some time and (according to Jonesey at least) ended up in a hostel for the homeless!
Just wondering what general predictions are for this weeks diary? The Grim(m)Fairytale ensues..
1.Will there be a fallout between Jonesie and the FRS before the sex, he storms off and she phones David.
2. Will we get another
‘Dance Macabre’description of the weird couplings she engages in, that resemble no sex that anyone had, ever? Then they fight and he storms off… then she phones Scracie?
3. God forbid.. will she have a wonderful time, renew her relationship with his huge member and be all ‘Bennifer’ again?
I’m for (1).. by the way what does she do with the collies when she does the deed? Do they all mill about the room, jump on bed and stress wee? Er .. yuck!
1.Will there be a fallout between Jonesie and the FRS before the sex, he storms off and she phones David.
2. Will we get another
‘Dance Macabre’description of the weird couplings she engages in, that resemble no sex that anyone had, ever? Then they fight and he storms off… then she phones Scracie?
3. God forbid.. will she have a wonderful time, renew her relationship with his huge member and be all ‘Bennifer’ again?
I’m for (1).. by the way what does she do with the collies when she does the deed? Do they all mill about the room, jump on bed and stress wee? Er .. yuck!
Apologies, it's Cormont Road. I think I was getting confused with seabirds!
I'd go for option #1 as even she can't spin post-prandial fluid exchanging with four dogs in the room. Plus some tit about Rebel Wilson offering to buy her a beach house in Malibu, but she turned it down because Gracie is allergic to sand.Just wondering what general predictions are for this weeks diary? The Grim(m)Fairytale ensues..
1.Will there be a fallout between Jonesie and the FRS before the sex, he storms off and she phones David.
2. Will we get another
‘Dance Macabre’description of the weird couplings she engages in, that resemble no sex that anyone had, ever? Then they fight and he storms off… then she phones Scracie?
3. God forbid.. will she have a wonderful time, renew her relationship with his huge member and be all ‘Bennifer’ again?
I’m for (1).. by the way what does she do with the collies when she does the deed? Do they all mill about the room, jump on bed and stress wee? Er .. yuck!
The Bollocks Report aka The Podcast
We open with Nic singing instead of Liz. Whitney Houston Nic ain't, but she sounds 1000% better than Liz. Nic's chipper because she went to an Ed Sheeran gig and lied about being Liz so she could get a press pass and sit in the VIP area. This required showing Liz's ID, Nic jokes that they must have thought "Liz" had shrunk in height and gained 4st, Liz replies "that's disgusting" and sneers that it's more than 4st. Nic loves Ed Sheeran, thinks he is incredibly talented and charismatic, and appreciates that he tried to ensure everyone in the audience got a good view of him. If Nic hosted a podcast by herself, I wouldn't listen to it, but it would be a vast improvement on Liz.
Nic talks about going to a Portaloo, only to find that the VIP area had toilets, Liz says "when I went to Glastonbury I didn't go for three days. I held it in. I reabsorbed it." And she still tells herself she's an award-winning columnist. Nic talks at length about the concert, the bar, the VIP area, etc. all of which she really enjoyed. This is refreshing given what we usually get from this podcast. Liz lowers the tone as always by bragging that when she was front row at Prince's concert she "got his saliva on (her)." Nic goes into a lengthy digression about how the Drifters were also performing and they were not the original lineup, some of whom are dead. She and Liz "joke" about seeing a classical guitarist and he looked so enraptured that they "know what he looks like during sex." Liz says others in Richmond, where she lives think she is Michael Jackson because "I've got the hair and the plastic surgery." As the Spanish say: 5mentarios.
Liz rants again about Davina McCall making women "Unemployable" by saying that the menopause causes "brain fog", that women would like to leave their jobs or take time off work because of the menopause, etc. Liz wrote an article for Mail+ saying that getting older isn't a disease but a natural part of life - that's exactly the point Davina and others are making, you silly cow. She received "huge huge huge huge huge backlash" over this; I doubt it, as that would require people to read what Liz writes. Well now she feels vindicated because the Times reported that a study in the British Medical Journal warned against "medicalising" the menopause. Liz crows that "I wrote it first!" and "they copied me!" Yes, four medical professionals copied this bitter old hack with no medical background or training whatsoever and who claims that she didn't even go through the menopause (at her age, this is very unlikely, I assume she means she didn't experience typical symptoms - likely because of her eating disorder and already irregular periods.)
Liz thinks that no one is talking about "the positives of getting older" such as not caring what people think about her. I wonder where she is that she hasn't seen numerous articles and podcasts etc. about this in the media? Now she's LIBERATED. She says "older women are passionate, they gain skills, they campaign for animals, they do stuff" and she got divorced partly because she "didn't want Nirpal to see her when she was 50." She concludes, "I have more fun when there's not a man in the room, innit." Nic says again that HRT can really help, citing the example of someone she knows. Liz yawns and sneers and says "you must be menopausal, you're nearly 60!" Nic points out she is 52. Again, Liz is 63 and claims to have never had the menopause? She whines that she doesn't like "putting things in your body" apart from champagne (and the willy of her crush of the week.) All right, Liz. We all know that you are antivax.
No archive column this week, instead we've got a current feature that is being published in You magazine this week! It comes with a photo so horrendous that "no one on God's earth will date me after this feature." No change there then. It's basically a repeat of the Dreary entry she wrote about it weeks back, with bonus stuff about going to "an expert" who said it was because of an illness Liz had (which is what her doctor had already told her but Liz does not trust the NHS.) But she took "vegan collagen" and now her hair is growing back, all's right with the world. Liz being Liz, she witters at length about her first trip to a designer salon (Molton Brown) and how she took up the Midnight Storm because she wanted to look like Andie McDowell or something. Andie is 64, still looks good, and is clearly enjoying life much more than Liz is. I don't think it's the hair you should be emulating, Liz.
Liz's readers are DYING to know about her incontinent collies and the hotel room. "I've gone mad!" she asserts at the start of the column. Finally it dawns on her. She's been avidly consuming videos / articles about the Rock Star in his prime and worries if she is too adoring of him. Yet again she claims she had sex with Michael Hutchence, and when she left his hotel suite he said "thank you for your support." Or was it "you take care?" You've told so many versions of this story; at least try to keep it straight. She will not go into detail about all the sex she had with the FRS, but it totes happened and she is "brewing cystitis." "TMI" says a disgusted Nic.
Now Liz is waiting around for him to text her because she has so much more fun without a man and doesn't care what people think of her now she's old. OK then. She goes on to clarify that they "technically" had sex, but will clarify that in another column. She "feels like she is waiting for her A-level results" and Nic quips "I thought you were liberated?" Liz had her standard oily bath / chin tweeze / teeth steam / knee wax etc. and walked Missy who "stress wees." The FRS didn't get back to her for several days and then texted to ask if he'd left his jacket behind at the hotel. Whoops! Yet another "it's a COLUMN not a DIARY." Liz holds the Columnist of the Year title till 2023 and asked her editor if she could have a crown added to the photo next to her articles but was denied.
Fanmail comes in from someone called Naomi who plugs her book and is sending Liz a free copy. Perhaps because she cannot sell it, like how Liz could not sell Eight and a Half Stone. Liz wishes she'd covered an archive column about when she saw her ex "Osama Bin Laden Lookalike" and he ignored her. Nic wonders if he might be a bit pissed off at being compared to Osama Bin Laden, Liz replies "but Osama Bin Laden was really handsome!" She and the Lookalike had PROPER sex, not just technical sex, and in fact they had so much sex "I lost my voice!" Maybe that would've saved us from this podcast.
Nic talks about going to a Portaloo, only to find that the VIP area had toilets, Liz says "when I went to Glastonbury I didn't go for three days. I held it in. I reabsorbed it." And she still tells herself she's an award-winning columnist. Nic talks at length about the concert, the bar, the VIP area, etc. all of which she really enjoyed. This is refreshing given what we usually get from this podcast. Liz lowers the tone as always by bragging that when she was front row at Prince's concert she "got his saliva on (her)." Nic goes into a lengthy digression about how the Drifters were also performing and they were not the original lineup, some of whom are dead. She and Liz "joke" about seeing a classical guitarist and he looked so enraptured that they "know what he looks like during sex." Liz says others in Richmond, where she lives think she is Michael Jackson because "I've got the hair and the plastic surgery." As the Spanish say: 5mentarios.
Liz rants again about Davina McCall making women "Unemployable" by saying that the menopause causes "brain fog", that women would like to leave their jobs or take time off work because of the menopause, etc. Liz wrote an article for Mail+ saying that getting older isn't a disease but a natural part of life - that's exactly the point Davina and others are making, you silly cow. She received "huge huge huge huge huge backlash" over this; I doubt it, as that would require people to read what Liz writes. Well now she feels vindicated because the Times reported that a study in the British Medical Journal warned against "medicalising" the menopause. Liz crows that "I wrote it first!" and "they copied me!" Yes, four medical professionals copied this bitter old hack with no medical background or training whatsoever and who claims that she didn't even go through the menopause (at her age, this is very unlikely, I assume she means she didn't experience typical symptoms - likely because of her eating disorder and already irregular periods.)
Liz thinks that no one is talking about "the positives of getting older" such as not caring what people think about her. I wonder where she is that she hasn't seen numerous articles and podcasts etc. about this in the media? Now she's LIBERATED. She says "older women are passionate, they gain skills, they campaign for animals, they do stuff" and she got divorced partly because she "didn't want Nirpal to see her when she was 50." She concludes, "I have more fun when there's not a man in the room, innit." Nic says again that HRT can really help, citing the example of someone she knows. Liz yawns and sneers and says "you must be menopausal, you're nearly 60!" Nic points out she is 52. Again, Liz is 63 and claims to have never had the menopause? She whines that she doesn't like "putting things in your body" apart from champagne (and the willy of her crush of the week.) All right, Liz. We all know that you are antivax.
No archive column this week, instead we've got a current feature that is being published in You magazine this week! It comes with a photo so horrendous that "no one on God's earth will date me after this feature." No change there then. It's basically a repeat of the Dreary entry she wrote about it weeks back, with bonus stuff about going to "an expert" who said it was because of an illness Liz had (which is what her doctor had already told her but Liz does not trust the NHS.) But she took "vegan collagen" and now her hair is growing back, all's right with the world. Liz being Liz, she witters at length about her first trip to a designer salon (Molton Brown) and how she took up the Midnight Storm because she wanted to look like Andie McDowell or something. Andie is 64, still looks good, and is clearly enjoying life much more than Liz is. I don't think it's the hair you should be emulating, Liz.
Liz's readers are DYING to know about her incontinent collies and the hotel room. "I've gone mad!" she asserts at the start of the column. Finally it dawns on her. She's been avidly consuming videos / articles about the Rock Star in his prime and worries if she is too adoring of him. Yet again she claims she had sex with Michael Hutchence, and when she left his hotel suite he said "thank you for your support." Or was it "you take care?" You've told so many versions of this story; at least try to keep it straight. She will not go into detail about all the sex she had with the FRS, but it totes happened and she is "brewing cystitis." "TMI" says a disgusted Nic.
Now Liz is waiting around for him to text her because she has so much more fun without a man and doesn't care what people think of her now she's old. OK then. She goes on to clarify that they "technically" had sex, but will clarify that in another column. She "feels like she is waiting for her A-level results" and Nic quips "I thought you were liberated?" Liz had her standard oily bath / chin tweeze / teeth steam / knee wax etc. and walked Missy who "stress wees." The FRS didn't get back to her for several days and then texted to ask if he'd left his jacket behind at the hotel. Whoops! Yet another "it's a COLUMN not a DIARY." Liz holds the Columnist of the Year title till 2023 and asked her editor if she could have a crown added to the photo next to her articles but was denied.
Fanmail comes in from someone called Naomi who plugs her book and is sending Liz a free copy. Perhaps because she cannot sell it, like how Liz could not sell Eight and a Half Stone. Liz wishes she'd covered an archive column about when she saw her ex "Osama Bin Laden Lookalike" and he ignored her. Nic wonders if he might be a bit pissed off at being compared to Osama Bin Laden, Liz replies "but Osama Bin Laden was really handsome!" She and the Lookalike had PROPER sex, not just technical sex, and in fact they had so much sex "I lost my voice!" Maybe that would've saved us from this podcast.
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So, the fake rock star left early and Jonesey had a wank?
Has anyone actually read any of her books? Tempted by 8 and a half stone, girl less likely to sounds derivative of her columns 
Thankyou @witchofwestbyfleet .
Oh God not the dreaded ‘imaginary cystitis’..she rolls that one out whenever she’s pretending to have had a shag?! What is ‘technically having sex’as opposed to actually having it?
Oh God not the dreaded ‘imaginary cystitis’..she rolls that one out whenever she’s pretending to have had a shag?! What is ‘technically having sex’as opposed to actually having it?
If you want to propel yourself back in time to 1968 when Enoch Powell did his ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech.. then 8 and a half stone might be for you. Suspend disbelief and you should get through it?Has anyone actually read any of her books? Tempted by 8 and a half stone, girl less likely to sounds derivative of her columns
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Dreary attached. Astonishingly, it's more tit than usual and down to about a thousand words (probably fewer) due to a recycling box having been added. She is still pitching the "I shagged Mick Hutchence" line despite it being the most transparent lie. Her inability to read the room regarding any degree of believability is truly bewildering. Anyway, "enjoy"...
Attachments
yeah it's a bit naff to claim you've slept with someone who can't answer back because he's dead. I highly doubt she did though, I really don't think she was his type, he went for attractive, sexy women, which our Liz is most definitely not. Anyway was that not around the time she was very uptight about sex, so MH would just not have been into her, and her initial telling of being in a hotel room with him, involved him talking to people on the phone and sleeping, but somehow now she has morphed that into a night of passion. Nope a big lie yet again.
I think she herself wrote that she went to interview him in a hotel room and he fell asleep. So did Liz……no! I musn’t!! Bad thought!
She def reads tattle. Hello Liz, two rockstars is it now? Hmm..
Here’s the current fictional list of characters;
The FRS.Testator Silens!
Michael Hutchence deceased.
Andrea from Belfast??(likes shovelling tit and drinks champagne)
The half famous Irishman(lurks in lanes around her house)
The V. Famous Movie Star( who has offered to lend her money to buy house)
Cambridge man( visits Carrie Bradshaws house, phoned her but once again runs home to Missus)
My favourite. Vegan, croc-wearing Liverpool man( wanted to take her to galleries, now MIA)
Sister in Australia.. exists but last year had days to live? Apparently still exists.
Various people, (including latest column), who ‘lick their fingers’ when serving her. There are more of them than her three wick candles.
Are you reading this LJ, Nic? Hang your head in shame!
Here’s the current fictional list of characters;
The FRS.Testator Silens!
Michael Hutchence
deceased.Andrea from Belfast??(likes shovelling tit and drinks champagne)
The half famous Irishman(lurks in lanes around her house)
The V. Famous Movie Star( who has offered to lend her money to buy house)
Cambridge man( visits Carrie Bradshaws house, phoned her but once again runs home to Missus)
My favourite. Vegan, croc-wearing Liverpool man( wanted to take her to galleries, now MIA)
Sister in Australia.. exists but last year had days to live? Apparently still exists.
Various people, (including latest column), who ‘lick their fingers’ when serving her. There are more of them than her three wick candles.
Are you reading this LJ, Nic? Hang your head in shame!
Shame is, sadly, the one emotion she will never feel. Oh, and actual Love. And Humility. And Self-Awareness...She def reads tattle. Hello Liz, two rockstars is it now? Hmm..
Here’s the current fictional list of characters;
The FRS.Testator Silens!
Michael Hutchence
Andrea from Belfast??(likes shovelling tit and drinks champagne)
The half famous Irishman(lurks in lanes around her house)
The V. Famous Movie Star( who has offered to lend her money to buy house)
Cambridge man( visits Carrie Bradshaws house, phoned her but once again runs home to Missus)
My favourite. Vegan, croc-wearing Liverpool man( wanted to take her to galleries, now MIA)
Sister in Australia.. exists but last year had days to live? Apparently still exists.
Various people, (including latest column), who ‘lick their fingers’ when serving her. There are more of them than her three wick candles.
Are you reading this LJ, Nic? Hang your head in shame!
On serious note, where’s her inner life? She doesn’t like galleries, slags off beauty in others, doesn’t appear to read widely, no pals? How does she exist? My life has narrowed since I cared for my Pa but by God, I love art and film. I have two really loved friends, my cat, my wee garden. I still work, very much part -time but enjoy what I do.I’ve never been ‘kept’ by a man and a holiday seems far off but I’ve travelled widely.
She’s a malignant Narc. There’s no other explanation.
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