Liz Jones #2 Nobody puts the Myla Thong in a corner!

[Mediastar]

So, the MoS aren't accepting comments on Jonesey's entry for Brass Neck of the Year Award? How odd! Would this be because every single one would, rightfully, slate her for the shameless way she exploited her poor Ma over the years? For her fluid way of portraying her as a drudge/embarrassing dinner lady/ballerina depending on which was most pragmatic at the time? For that horrific pic of her sitting at her Ma's bedside wearing a disposable apron over her coat (because she wasn't staying) as well as her most pious expression?
She is an embarrassment to her "profession" and deserves every lonely, miserable minute of what's left of her time. For shame.

 

[Origen]

Reading that contrived Memory Lane meander by LJ , I was reminded of the Monty python sketch by the four Yorkshiremen…. ‘We were so Poor’

 

[Origen]

Meanwhile over on her Twitter feed she’s going bananas about the ‘haters/ trolls again! She’s ‘vomiting with fatigue’ because Nic still off and Ill with COVID. She’s claiming she’s never left her animals alone and hasn’t been to London in 2 years???! How on earth did she squire Scrace in Soho, go to London for work and have those awful dinners in Locanda Locatelli. Let’s not forget the Harley street appointments for her vertigo!
Are absolutely all her columns abject fibs then?

 

[Mediastar]

Meanwhile over on her Twitter feed she’s going bananas about the ‘haters/ trolls again! She’s ‘vomiting with fatigue’ because Nic still off and Ill with COVID. She’s claiming she’s never left her animals alone and hasn’t been to London in 2 years???! How on earth did she squire Scrace in Soho, go to London for work and have those awful dinners in Locanda Locatelli. Let’s not forget the Harley street appointments for her vertigo!
Are absolutely all her columns abject fibs then?

Hasn't she literally *just* returned from London Fashion Week?

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Graciepalooza (The Podcast.) Cut for length

Spoiler

We open with Liz caterwauling Happy Birthday song for Gracie who is 13 now. They remember her in terms of all the furniture she's destroyed because she isn't trained or disciplined. Liz repeats a story of how she bought a designer sofa and within a few hours Gracie had ripped all the foam out. They talk about having a "Twitter storm!" and "Nic was trying to do a nice thing for Liz and it bit her on the arse!" In fact it seems it's just one person that said anything. Liz straight up says "'Get well soon, Nic?' How about POOR ME?!" She says she could take care of her own horses but she "chooses to pay most of her salary!" to someone who's better at it. Nic's qualified in Bach Flower Remedies, remember?

Nic claims there are "troll accounts set up purely to make Liz's life a misery" as if this is unique to Liz, or there's not billions of bots on Twitter. Liz says she travels to every corner of the globe for work and can't leave her horses! And she has NEVER, EVER, EVERRRR claimed benefits unlike MOTHERS who claim child benefit and maternity leave! Currently Liz works "12-14 hours a day" and is writing for the Mail every single day as well as writing and editing one book, ghostwriting another, and writing a screenplay. The other screenplay she said she'd already written was about her romance with David. No surprise that's been scrapped, then. She also gets in a dig at other horse owners and there's another round of "CHIPPY!!"

They talk about Will Smith at the Oscars. They whine about how it's sooo wrong that they, as white women, are told not to comment on Black people's actions and Nic says "it's just a man thumping another man, it's not about skin colour!" What is about skin colour is how Black people are constantly judged more harshly because of their skin colour and, no matter what they do, can't win. So maybe your input isn't needed every single time. Liz thinks Will should have given a snappy comeback instead, but he couldn't do it because "actors can only say what people like me put in their mouths." We know Liz didn't put words in Will's mouth, cuz he didn't say "Chippy! Chippy! Blocked! Blocked! BLOCKED!" Liz caps this off with a story about a "Miranda Priestley Moment" where she abused an Uber driver.

Nic has been reading a new book called This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray. The author is a relationship coach who writes about how marriages break down because of small behaviours that demonstrate contempt. Predictably this leads into Liz bashing men and Nic whining about her boyfriend. Liz says she's so easy to please, all you have to do is clean up after her dogs, then she tells a story about David not doing that and screeches "JUST PICK UP THE DOG POO-OO!" in truly demented tones. Nic tries to discuss the book, Liz describes herself as a "positive, hard-working, dynamic person" and conflict is never her fault. It happens because other people don't make an effort and aren't "powerful and accomplished enough."

This week's column is called "In Which Liz Gets a Rude Awakening." Remember the guy whose house she looked up on Google Earth? At 5am, when Liz was soundly tucked in, "propped up on pillows like a Victorian consumptive" to avoid eye bags, he called her on WhatsApp cuz he was drunk. There are more mentions of foetuses and Carrie Bradshaw, and she decided this man was "nothing to me! Nothing! NOTHING! You're blocked!" Liz concludes that she needs to "stop undervaluing herself" and again laments that she didn't go after Nigel. Finally the man tried to ask her out and Liz texted back "which one are you?" Nic claps like a performing seal and yells "MIC DROP!"

Liz's "archive column" is just her talking about Bruce Willis who this week has retired from his acting career due to a neurological disorder. He was one of Liz's favourite celebrities to interview, she of course has to mention her moisturised feet and Myla underwear. Liz "can die happy because she's touched Bruce Willis" (briefly brushed his hand) and tells a totally plausible story about how she insisted on using his bathroom to wash her dirty feet before she'd begin the interview.

We end with her reader correspondence, a woman asks for advice about her upcoming wedding. Why would you ask Liz about this? It's like asking Bill Cosby about how to respect women, or Jeremy Clarkson for tips on anger management. Liz quotes someone supposedly saying that "if you haven't had COVID it's because you have no friends." How dare people be sheltering, or not want to risk disability, amirite?

 

[Origen]

Sounds utterly awful. Thanks for that Witchofwestbyfleet.. The Twitter ‘storm’ she describes wasn’t bots and it was def more than one person questioning who looks after her animals. It’s unfathomable that she’s now saying she travels everywhere for work.. on Twitter she gaslighted by saying she’s not been to London for two years??
What a difference a day makes in the shifting reality of LJ…

 

[Blurp]

What a difference a day makes in the shifting reality of LJ…

I read that as shitting reality...

 

[Miss Lola]

What’s this ‘revelation’ she mentioned a couple of weeks ago? (sounded gloomy) - she couldn’t divulge then - why not now?

 

[Mediastar]

What’s this ‘revelation’ she mentioned a couple of weeks ago? (sounded gloomy) - she couldn’t divulge then - why not now?

Presumably the fact she didn't get a job she went for and was turned down for a mortgage. I think she struggles with the fact that the Plodcast and the Dreary are 2/3 weeks apart in real time. She is quite old and drinks, so it's not 100% surprising.

 

[shushablay]

well today's dreary was as bad as usual, god knows how much she drank before writing that. Another call out on her alleged "profound deafness" she can be fast asleep in the early hours of the morning, yet be able to hear a facetime notification on her phone, and of course she has already said she takes her hearing aids out at night and a puppy pad on the bed while she's sleeping in it..how totally gross, no man will want to go near her bed after reading that...oh come and take my myla thong off...watch out for the big puddle of dog urine though

And back to Nigel again, the level of arrogance is astonishing, why on earth would a man she met, over 20 years ago on a work assignment and spent a few hours with, only be happy if married to Liz with her dazzling humour and good looks..what a plank, listen you old slapper, he is not interested in you, never will be and you are not in the slightest attractive with your jug ears and strange looking face. Also you are a rude, obnoxious, condescending witch and it is not surprising that you don't have any friends apart from the people you pay to be around you.

I see they're allowing lots of comments as well, mostly by people who are confused and did not have a clue what the article was about, as it was just a rambling, incoherent pile of crap.

 

[Mediastar]

I reckon you should come o

well today's dreary was as bad as usual, god knows how much she drank before writing that. Another call out on her alleged "profound deafness" she can be fast asleep in the early hours of the morning, yet be able to hear a facetime notification on her phone, and of course she has already said she takes her hearing aids out at night and a puppy pad on the bed while she's sleeping in it..how totally gross, no man will want to go near her bed after reading that...oh come and take my myla thong off...watch out for the big puddle of dog urine though

And back to Nigel again, the level of arrogance is astonishing, why on earth would a man she met, over 20 years ago on a work assignment and spent a few hours with, only be happy if married to Liz with her dazzling humour and good looks..what a plank, listen you old slapper, he is not interested in you, never will be and you are not in the slightest attractive with your jug ears and strange looking face. Also you are a rude, obnoxious, condescending witch and it is not surprising that you don't have any friends apart from the people you pay to be around you.

I see they're allowing lots of comments as well, mostly by people who are confused and did not have a clue what the article was about, as it was just a rambling, incoherent pile of crap.

I reckon you should come off the fence and tell us what you really think!

 

[Origen]

It was a Cremant fuelled maze of borderline psychosis and suppressed rage this week. What’s new?
When Nic goes(and she will..) LJ will implode.
@shushablay yep, the Nigel delusion is becoming scary. Stalkers tend to claim that their love interest will love and fancy them back if only they ‘Knew them better’.
I think it was Cambridge man she resurrected this week. All untrue of course, he’s long gone…he didn’t contact her at Carrie Bradshaws house or tell her she was beautiful.
She has her pubic hair looking eyebrows.. and nothing else. I’m dying to see the brows by the way!

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Will Nic go? It's been so long now and she has put up with so much from Liz

 

[Origen]

Will Nic go? It's been so long now and she has put up with so much from Liz

I think LJ is getting worse. Just my opinion. There is real delusion over the board, about how she looks, the provable lies about the men in her life, she’s facing disappointment in her career. She’s always been this way sure.. but her ageing process is unhingeing her even more.
Nic’s her enabler but it’s also about hard cash. If the money goes I think Nic will follow.

 

[Mediastar]

Will Nic go? It's been so long now and she has put up with so much from Liz

But there's no future... it'll all get a bit Sister George...

 

[Origen]

But there's no future... it'll all get a bit Sister George...

LMAO..with due deference to the late great Beryl Reid!

 

[clothears]

But there's no future... it'll all get a bit Sister George...

I've always though David was a beard and that Liz and Nic are in a secret relationship

 

[Mediastar]

I've always though David was a beard and that Liz and Nic are in a secret relationship

Genuinely doesn't bear thinking about.

 

[Origen]

Oh God.. just looked at the title of the podcast..(I cannot bear to listen to it?)
It’s called ‘In which Liz wishes she could meet her match’. Darth Vader, Donald Trump and Prince Andrew came to mind.. she’s clearly on an ego trip this week!

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Oh, mercy, it's the Plodcast! Cut for length

Spoiler

Nic has recovered from COVID. Liz triumphantly says "seeeeee, being vaccinated didn't stop you getting it!" No, but it might have contributed to Nic being back with you today and not in a hospital or a mortuary. Liz talks about the death of the fashion photographer Patrick Demarchelier, referencing The Devil Wears Prada and SATC which are the only lenses through which she can view anything. She laments that he "wasn't that old", well he was 78 which is about average life expectancy for a man? She tells a story about working with Demarchelier on a photoshoot with Geri Halliwell, who she describes as a diva.

They talk about older models getting hired, Liz of course is sneering about young models. Nirps wrote about Liz in the Mail, it's a response to her saying she faked orgasms. They decide to read it out. Liz calls him a "monosyllabic lump" and her a "goddess." Nirpal basically said he enjoyed sex and he expected Liz, as the older one, to be more experienced and know what to do. Liz accuses him of making fun of her age, we're like 15 minutes in and all she has done is demonstrate that she is incredibly sensitive about her age. Nirpal also stated that she took advantage of him, and called her a "vacuous 40-something fashionista." Liz says that as editor of Marie Claire she covered stories like cancer, animal abuse, orphans, and foot binding. One of these things is not like the others.

Nic keeps saying "but it's HIS fault, why did HE marry you?" Liz calls Nirpal lazy and talks about how she has worked 40 hours a day every day etc etc all her life. Then she sneers at how Nirpal acknowledged that she took him to an Armani party where he met Ricky Martin, and how this must be the highlight of his life cuz he's never done anything else since. Like how you constantly bring up past designer events and meeting celebrities, Liz? There's another chorus of "CHIPPY!!" and "BLOCK HIM!" Liz alleges that people who claim to be discriminated against because of racism, etc. are actually "unattractive and unsuccessful" just like Nirpal.

To further turn the knife Liz reads a column she wrote about her 2002 honeymoon. It's pretty boring. She says she's a witch but at least she's funny ... well, that statement was funny, nothing else she says is. Nic talks as if she knows all about Nirpal, she says she has met him once when he came to stay with Liz and he seemed nice, but she can't believe he's so nasty in print! Shut up Nic you barely know the guy. This week's column: "In Which Liz Wishes She Could Meet Her Match." So, she's now looking for a vain, spiteful, shallow, racist old man? There's gotta be plenty of those among the Mail readership. Maybe she has hope after all.

The entire column is her sneering at men in her life, reciting a laundry list of wrongs committed by her exes and various "witty" one-liners she's used to insult them. I seriously think that she has hired someone to build a DIARY (suck it Liz!) generator bot to produce the column for her every week without her lifting a finger. In response to an anecdote about Nirpal, Nic says she hates it when people mimic or make fun of someone's voice - despite the fact that Liz herself did this not five minutes ago. Liz concludes she wants an equal who's on her side and it shouldn't be this hard, she's so nice and kind and funny and ... BRB, I need to throw up into a rusty bucket.

Nic pontificates at length about what a healthy relationship should look like and how couples should treat each other - coming from a woman who constantly complains about both her current boyfriend and her ex. Liz concludes she doesn't need a man because "they don't deserve me!" and she's got the untrained hounds. More stuff about animal fundraising, and a letter totes not from Nic gushing about how witty Liz's "which one are you?" from last week supposedly was. Yeah, whatever