Bat out of Hell aka Podcast
Liz opens by screeching "I've Had The Time of my Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife" at excruciating pitch and volume. Nic tries to tell her to slow down so she can at least be in time with the music. Liz is in the mood for Dirty Dancing because she's just read Jennifer Grey's autobiography, in which Grey makes the claim that Patrick Swayze did not like the famous "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!" line. I refer you to the thread title. Liz joyfully misuses and overuses the term "ghosting" again in reference to Grey's claim that Johnny Depp ended their engagement abruptly by not showing up to a date and never contacting her again. She again hilariously uses "antidote" in place of "anecdote." And reads out an extract about Swayze flashing his dick during filming, Liz refers to it as his "front bottom". Liz: it's a dick, get over it.
Liz and Nic laugh at a story going around Facebook of a disgruntled man who sold his ex-wife's wedding dress online with the description "Size: fat" and "would suit a cheap slapper." Liz understands because Nirpal slept around too! As usual, it's all about Liz. She also talks about Davina McCall's show about the menopause, criticising the fact that it was promoted with a poster campaign saying "1 in 10 women give up work because of the menopause." Liz thinks that this basically means no one will want to employ women, since female employees will either be off having babies or they'll be unable to work due to menopause. You heard her, ladies! Let's all STFU and suffer in silence.
Liz gets in a jab again about "women giving up work to marry a rich husband." She thinks women also take time off work for "puppy leave" and "my teenager's on drugs." Nic says HRT is a positive thing that can improve women's lives. Liz witches that people don't exercise or eat healthily and just expect the GP to fix everything. Sure, some people do; but exercise doesn't fix everyone's health problems, does it? Nevertheless Liz likes Davina because she "has become a champion of older women". She says she was prescribed tablets for her anxiety but "I was too anxious to take them"
Nic talks about how she went on an evening out with a friend who she considers the "father" of her dog Charlie (weird, but OK.) Liz hijacks this by saying she always has to go to things on her own, is ostracised by the fashion industry, etc. and women who won't go on holidays or to restaurants alone are WEAK. Nic moans about having a bill she can't afford and Liz is all "well I'd let you sell my last surviving designer bag but Teddy chewed it", Teddy likes to nose in her handbag and chew stuff so any discipline he learnt in Romania is now out of the window.
Remember Liz hinted at some bad news but then never explained? Well it's finally landed! The owners of the cottage she's currently renting have put it up for sale, but she can't put in an offer herself because the mortgage she has been offered won't cover it. She says that she spent around £40,000 renovating it and while others advised her not to spend that kind of money on a rental, she had to because "I can't live in a dump," "I work from home so it is my workplace", "I work 12-14 hours a day", and "I have to write funny copy." Where is this funny copy? We'd like to see it.
After some talk about what work she had done on the house, she gets on to the real issue: "trolls" who leave "chippy messages", such as "what a shame, Liz having to look after her own horses for a change" (in reference to Liz complaining on Twitter that Nic couldn't do it while she had COVID.) She says "I do that anyway, thanks" and then gloats that "trolls hate it when you say thanks." She reads out another message saying that Liz doesn't travel it anywhere, and snarls "don't call it a DIARY, it's a COLUMN!" Don't call it Liz Jones's Diary then. Change the goddamn name!!! She reads out a long list of countries she has visited in her lifetime and then says "what should I do, sack Nic? Let the collies bark and starve?" You do let them bark and run riot. Then try to drag people through the mud in print when they question whether you're fit to adopt a rescue dog.
Nic of course comes to her defence again and Liz is all "people online think they know more about your life than you do!" There's more straw here than Wicker Man. Liz knows why they do it: they're CHIPPY and they don't like seeing a single, self-made woman who didn't rely on nepotism succeed. SHE didn't have to marry someone to get ahead so people dislike her and think she doesn't deserve her success! Chippy! Chippy! Chippy! Everyone else keeps taking from society and giving nothing back: taking maternity leave, taking holidays, going to the GP. While Liz is contributing something positive by employing people! Why the hell should someone work for you if you won't give them breaks or paid leave? It's required by law, for one thing. She and Nic chorus "Chippy! Chippy! Block!" and Liz wails "why is everyone blaming meeeeeeeeeee?"
Archive column! Liz says "people tell me not to keep looking back, but there is an archive section in the podcast, there's nothing I can do about it." Yes there is. It's your podcast; you dictate the content! This one is an op-ed for which she was supposedly nominated for Columnist of the Year, Liz says she didn't win because "people don't like slightly more right-wing papers." I don't know, the Telegraph seems to be doing OK; could it be that some of us just don't like the Mail because it's a sleazy rag?
Has anyone ever asked what Liz's biggest regret in life is? Has anyone ever given a toss? It's that she did not stay in the first house she bought, in Brixton. Liz talks at length about her Laura Ashley wallpaper and how, when the house was almost broken into, her brother stayed over to keep her and her sister (with whom she was sharing the house) safe. Nic says "isn't it nice that you have a positive memory of your family?" LIZ WILL HAVE NONE OF THAT. She barks "I was almost murdered in my bed!" She talks about growing up in Chelmsford and says she is really proud of being from Essex. Sure, Liz, after you spent years lying about it including to Nirpal. She rehashes two columns she wrote a few years ago about Chelmsford (you can find them linked in the wiki) with bonus complaining about pedestrianised streets. Liz concludes with a rambling reflection on how when she left London she left all her "roots" and memories behind, and blaming her decision to move to the countryside on TV property shows.
Fan mail: Nic reads out another comment on the Dreary. Liz says "it's not a DIARY, it's a COLUMN and it's an award-winning column!" Nic reads out a comment about how Liz has a lot to be grateful for. Predictably, Liz's response to this isn't the least bit grateful. Nic finishes with another reader saying he's glad to be a bloke because he has no hang-ups and just gets on with life. That is a moot point. Pretty much everyone in the world has fewer hang-ups than Liz.
Liz and Nic laugh at a story going around Facebook of a disgruntled man who sold his ex-wife's wedding dress online with the description "Size: fat" and "would suit a cheap slapper." Liz understands because Nirpal slept around too! As usual, it's all about Liz. She also talks about Davina McCall's show about the menopause, criticising the fact that it was promoted with a poster campaign saying "1 in 10 women give up work because of the menopause." Liz thinks that this basically means no one will want to employ women, since female employees will either be off having babies or they'll be unable to work due to menopause. You heard her, ladies! Let's all STFU and suffer in silence.
Liz gets in a jab again about "women giving up work to marry a rich husband." She thinks women also take time off work for "puppy leave" and "my teenager's on drugs." Nic says HRT is a positive thing that can improve women's lives. Liz witches that people don't exercise or eat healthily and just expect the GP to fix everything. Sure, some people do; but exercise doesn't fix everyone's health problems, does it? Nevertheless Liz likes Davina because she "has become a champion of older women". She says she was prescribed tablets for her anxiety but "I was too anxious to take them"
Nic talks about how she went on an evening out with a friend who she considers the "father" of her dog Charlie (weird, but OK.) Liz hijacks this by saying she always has to go to things on her own, is ostracised by the fashion industry, etc. and women who won't go on holidays or to restaurants alone are WEAK. Nic moans about having a bill she can't afford and Liz is all "well I'd let you sell my last surviving designer bag but Teddy chewed it", Teddy likes to nose in her handbag and chew stuff so any discipline he learnt in Romania is now out of the window.
Remember Liz hinted at some bad news but then never explained? Well it's finally landed! The owners of the cottage she's currently renting have put it up for sale, but she can't put in an offer herself because the mortgage she has been offered won't cover it. She says that she spent around £40,000 renovating it and while others advised her not to spend that kind of money on a rental, she had to because "I can't live in a dump," "I work from home so it is my workplace", "I work 12-14 hours a day", and "I have to write funny copy." Where is this funny copy? We'd like to see it.
After some talk about what work she had done on the house, she gets on to the real issue: "trolls" who leave "chippy messages", such as "what a shame, Liz having to look after her own horses for a change" (in reference to Liz complaining on Twitter that Nic couldn't do it while she had COVID.) She says "I do that anyway, thanks" and then gloats that "trolls hate it when you say thanks." She reads out another message saying that Liz doesn't travel it anywhere, and snarls "don't call it a DIARY, it's a COLUMN!" Don't call it Liz Jones's Diary then. Change the goddamn name!!! She reads out a long list of countries she has visited in her lifetime and then says "what should I do, sack Nic? Let the collies bark and starve?" You do let them bark and run riot. Then try to drag people through the mud in print when they question whether you're fit to adopt a rescue dog.
Nic of course comes to her defence again and Liz is all "people online think they know more about your life than you do!" There's more straw here than Wicker Man. Liz knows why they do it: they're CHIPPY and they don't like seeing a single, self-made woman who didn't rely on nepotism succeed. SHE didn't have to marry someone to get ahead so people dislike her and think she doesn't deserve her success! Chippy! Chippy! Chippy! Everyone else keeps taking from society and giving nothing back: taking maternity leave, taking holidays, going to the GP. While Liz is contributing something positive by employing people! Why the hell should someone work for you if you won't give them breaks or paid leave? It's required by law, for one thing. She and Nic chorus "Chippy! Chippy! Block!" and Liz wails "why is everyone blaming meeeeeeeeeee?"
Archive column! Liz says "people tell me not to keep looking back, but there is an archive section in the podcast, there's nothing I can do about it." Yes there is. It's your podcast; you dictate the content! This one is an op-ed for which she was supposedly nominated for Columnist of the Year, Liz says she didn't win because "people don't like slightly more right-wing papers." I don't know, the Telegraph seems to be doing OK; could it be that some of us just don't like the Mail because it's a sleazy rag?
Has anyone ever asked what Liz's biggest regret in life is? Has anyone ever given a toss? It's that she did not stay in the first house she bought, in Brixton. Liz talks at length about her Laura Ashley wallpaper and how, when the house was almost broken into, her brother stayed over to keep her and her sister (with whom she was sharing the house) safe. Nic says "isn't it nice that you have a positive memory of your family?" LIZ WILL HAVE NONE OF THAT. She barks "I was almost murdered in my bed!" She talks about growing up in Chelmsford and says she is really proud of being from Essex. Sure, Liz, after you spent years lying about it including to Nirpal. She rehashes two columns she wrote a few years ago about Chelmsford (you can find them linked in the wiki) with bonus complaining about pedestrianised streets. Liz concludes with a rambling reflection on how when she left London she left all her "roots" and memories behind, and blaming her decision to move to the countryside on TV property shows.
Fan mail: Nic reads out another comment on the Dreary. Liz says "it's not a DIARY, it's a COLUMN and it's an award-winning column!" Nic reads out a comment about how Liz has a lot to be grateful for. Predictably, Liz's response to this isn't the least bit grateful. Nic finishes with another reader saying he's glad to be a bloke because he has no hang-ups and just gets on with life. That is a moot point. Pretty much everyone in the world has fewer hang-ups than Liz.
