MarmiteExtract
VIP Member
She's got a look of Professor Umbridge about her, sry2say
- Notice
She's got a look of Professor Umbridge about her, sry2say
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Hilarious roundup and fabulously funny title by the beloved couple 
@Pocahontas & @Silver Linings
Tiny bit disappointed she won’t be on I’m a celeb not gonna lie. Thought we might be in for a comeback of that cheeky little duo
...sometimes it goes wrong, okay?
@Pocahontas & @Silver Linings Tiny bit disappointed she won’t be on I’m a celeb not gonna lie. Thought we might be in for a comeback of that cheeky little duo
...sometimes it goes wrong, okay?
MuddyMysteryBurberryScarf
New member
Hi Fraus, I'm a designer scarf. My current owner is/was desperate to find my careless original owner. I feel so lonely and I want to go home, my other family gave me much nicer meals. I seem to be currently residing in a shitty bungalow in Essex and I can smell what seems to be something offaly pungent in the fridge...I also need to do some major grunkaing. Thanks to @Alansbigplate in the previous thread for giving me the courage to finally speak out.
Thanks to all of you - you are keeping me going at this tedious and challenging time - seriously!
Now fuck off!
Thanks to all of you - you are keeping me going at this tedious and challenging time - seriously!
Now fuck off!
GoLando
VIP Member
Fraus, I can’t handle the “it’s dinner / tea” chat. It’s not a novelty that people across the country speak differently. I fear one Frau is about to rock up and explain in great detail all about her candlelight suppers, the music that’s played, the offspring that perform, and the amazing array of tableware they’ve collected over the years.
BeautifulTrauma
VIP Member
These past few days it's felt like the thread was getting very personal and off topic, which is why I haven’t posted as much.
I thought that’s why the thread in food and drink was created, for people to have a safe space and talk about off topic subjects? We all need to remember, this thread is here for two things - to make sure the world knows R Jackie is a lying fantasist and for @Alansbigplate and their gifs. Let’s get back on topic pleeeeaaasssee!
Also, I’m getting a lot of BBL vibes. And that people is not a good vibe to have.
I thought that’s why the thread in food and drink was created, for people to have a safe space and talk about off topic subjects? We all need to remember, this thread is here for two things - to make sure the world knows R Jackie is a lying fantasist and for @Alansbigplate and their gifs. Let’s get back on topic pleeeeaaasssee!
Also, I’m getting a lot of BBL vibes. And that people is not a good vibe to have.
Incywincy
Chatty Member
I started in thread #1 all the way back in June, and I have finally Grunka'd into the present!
I have laughed, I have cried.. and I have wished we could remove our anonymity and have a Whatsapp chat where we communicate in gifs and lyrics.
It HAS been a good read!!
And let me tell you, despite Mr IW not following the threads like I suggested, he is now well aware of the lies and awful behaviour of Jack's. Whilst I've been on my travel through time, it is he who has alerted me to her latest shenanigans (I simply haven't had the time for Twitter OK). I am very much looking forward to being able to watch crud on Netflix with him again. He has been very patient
Anyway, hello. Thank you very Matt much Matt for the laughs. And.... fuck off. *chefs kiss*
(Thanks Alan)
I have laughed, I have cried.. and I have wished we could remove our anonymity and have a Whatsapp chat where we communicate in gifs and lyrics.
It HAS been a good read!!
And let me tell you, despite Mr IW not following the threads like I suggested, he is now well aware of the lies and awful behaviour of Jack's. Whilst I've been on my travel through time, it is he who has alerted me to her latest shenanigans (I simply haven't had the time for Twitter OK). I am very much looking forward to being able to watch crud on Netflix with him again. He has been very patient
Anyway, hello. Thank you very Matt much Matt for the laughs. And.... fuck off. *chefs kiss*
(Thanks Alan)
Bugger13
VIP Member
Jack’s favourite things.
Shaking my tip jar & mistreating kittens
Saggy sports bras & faux fur white mittens
Cheap bollock sausages, lingreenie snot strings
These are a few of my favorite things
I can’t cook souffles, and fuck trying strudels
Leiths can’t compete with my ketchup on noodles
Cheap wet ham, sausages, battery wings
These are a few of my favourite things
Want me a posh house with wood floors & sashes
Wigs and new teeth, trainers, lips & eyelashes
A sideboard to sprawl on, I don’t need no springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the ninny bites
When the ouchy mouth stings
When I'm feeling (severely) sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
(But I still feel worse than everyone else who has ever lived, obvs).
Shaking my tip jar & mistreating kittens
Saggy sports bras & faux fur white mittens
Cheap bollock sausages, lingreenie snot strings
These are a few of my favorite things
I can’t cook souffles, and fuck trying strudels
Leiths can’t compete with my ketchup on noodles
Cheap wet ham, sausages, battery wings
These are a few of my favourite things
Want me a posh house with wood floors & sashes
Wigs and new teeth, trainers, lips & eyelashes
A sideboard to sprawl on, I don’t need no springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the ninny bites
When the ouchy mouth stings
When I'm feeling (severely) sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
(But I still feel worse than everyone else who has ever lived, obvs).
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
Hold up someone's made a suggestion.
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
Harrybosch
VIP Member
WTF? She's proud for playing a song ONE HANDED whilst singing the wrong words? Sweet Jesus, can someone give me a medal for just being alive?
Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Congratulations to @Silver Linings for another sublime thread title! 88 reactions 
Well done, my beloved.
Recap of thread #81
Well done, my beloved.Recap of thread #81
- The huge, HUGE photo shoot happened. It involved her running, cooking, dancing – all in six-inch heels, and ‘co-piloted by a very tall, astonishingly handsome man’. Ah, perhaps good old Rylan has invited her on to Supermarket Sweep to help build some bridges.
- Sadly, it’s probably not I’m A Celebrity, but @Bugger13 made our dreams come true through the power of fiction here.
- She posted a photo of an absolute scorcher posing in sportswear. Never seen her before in my life. The sentient mirror is not pleased – this was an image never meant for wider consumption.
- Her website is down and there also seems to be an imposter website called CookingOnaBoot.com. The IP address is located in Moscow. #OhVlad
- She ‘made’ some cute lil iced shortbread biscuits, with which to play an archaic game of yesteryear (dominoes).
- She posted a ‘goodnight’ shot ... looking very bright-eyed and wide awake. Hair’s coming in nicely. She looked warm enough not to be wearing any jim jams.
- Funnily enough, her recent budgeted Asda haul seems to have been ... forgotten? Disappeared into a cloud of ephemera. How can this be? People are still waiting on liver lingreynie, dammit!
- She came clean about the shortbread biscuits and their origin (not her oven). Well done, Jack. Baby steps!
- She made an appearance in the British Library’s online event: ‘Mood Food’. ‘Cooking, eating and mental health’ with Kimberley Wilson. She was late and her Internet connection was poor. @Walkdengirl and @Yel took two for the team and provided live commentary in the last few pages of the thread beginning here.
- There’s a new maverick thanks to @Alansbigplate
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Couldn’t sleep last night so I stayed up all night singing itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini and you know it never helped me get to sleep
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
dancing doesn’t really work but some other brents are pretty funny
(disclaimer M’lord I am simply evidencing the ease with which you can alter an image using an app these days!)
