- Notice
Flivver
VIP Member
Yep.
My boy’s hair is just growing back after months of chemo. The joy on his face when he saw that his eyebrows were starting to grow back and you could see a slight peach fuzz of stubble on his scalp.
We did a happy dance!
Congratulations to @Froggies for your first thread title! 75 reactions 
Be proud of yourself.
Recap of thread #78
Be proud of yourself. Recap of thread #78
- Jack really is the luckiest little urchin alive. To find a pristine Burberry scarf in a puddle of mud and have no one claim it despite very, very, many, many attempts to locate the owner is the stuff of dreams. Literal dreams.
- She knows how to slice a leek. She went on a bit about leeks on toast in various iterations. Stop trying to make leeks on toast happen.
- Despite recently giving up sweets and biscuits she ate five biscuits and a Crunchie.
- She could name half a dozen household name outlets that serve her recipes ... that may be, but will they? Might affect business.
- She is trying to get up in Marcus Rashford’s niche AGAIN, you know that particular niche of actually doing something worthwhile for others and not making it about himself. You are not and never will be his Mr Miyagj, Jack.
- She needs a rich and heavy moisturiser for her scaly forehead and shiny eyes ... her eyes?
- Apparently she’s still got quite a bit of The Shop (Asda) left. Prolly cos you’ve been eating Ocado and Tesco Finest all week, love.
- She posted some more photos of food that looked neither tempting nor aspirational.
- Welfare Queen went to Asda and spent a tenner, showing off her yellow stickers like a badge of honour. She’s going back tomorrow to spend another tenner. Wild times.
- There’s liver and yellow stickered bags of salad. Get ready for offal surprise and E. coli pesto, everyone! It’s good to have you ‘back’, Jack.
- First up: rainbow dhansak with the reduced to 10p bag of veg. Apparently she refused orders from the veg and went all subversive. Dr Do-Little disobeys the vegetables
- I haven’t had time to properly grunka cos BUSY y’all, so please add anything I’ve missed. TYNGTAF
[*]
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
[*]
GoLando
VIP Member
schmetterling
Well-known member
I've been vaguely aware of jack since mum used to send me her gross recipes when i was at university ('oh but darling, surely you can easily store 20kg of rice in your shared kitchen!') and always found her irritating and thought her vibe was off and now I discover there's an amazing 79-thread-long discussion about what a hilarious hypocritical narcissist she is! I am still crying with laughter about the burberry scarf buried in the mud, you are all fucking hilarious. please excuse me, I have serious grunkaing to do
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Must be a new deal advertising the Asdas
ETA she’s wearing her mask cos of the new rules for retail workers obvs
ETA she’s wearing her mask cos of the new rules for retail workers obvs
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PoorPatrol
VIP Member
How far are we away from the bullshit book deadline?
As others have said, she’s bad enough begging for money, but to pretend that a ten year old boy is getting a week's worth of food there is dangerous. As we have seen, lots of her followers hang on her every flowery adjective, and might be impressionable enough to think that their own 10 year olds can get by on 200-300 calories a day.
I have boys the same kind of age. Full fat milk, real butter, cream, healthy fats like avocados, coconut milk etc etc etc form an important part of their diets. They’re not on fucking slimming World! My kids are very active, and don’t have a roll of fat between them, so it’s not like they’re being over fed. Every morning they share a platter of fruit, then will have either a bowl of porridge or scrambled/poached eggs on wholewheat toast, sometimes bacon pancakes, or crepes. I do them a huge packed lunch each, full of fruit, salad, and something warm to go with.
Dinner my kids have things like today - a huge roast. Brisket cooked down with red wine, goose fat roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, carrots and parsnips cooked in butter and oil. They had a home made sticky toffee pudding with cream for dessert, and this evening after a bath they’ve just had cheese on toast. They only drink water and don’t eat shit like ‘maize snacks’. I only buy very high welfare organic meat, and cook it to go far. I buy organic low nitrate bacon, organic free range eggs.
She should be looking for workarounds to get people eating better quality food and produce from the UK/local, rather than ordering the plebs to eat eyelid sausages and low calorie tasteless slop for a growing boy. She also neglects to mention that he’s probably hardly ever there! So she not only is lying about only spending £20 a week in the first place, for him it’s not even a full week. Show me a ten year old that isn’t permanently ravenous, please! I know they can be fussy, but they’re literally growing like weeds at this age and will eat accordingly. When I make a lasagne, properly cooked down glossy ragu, with proper creamy béchamel (sorry Jack, I know it’s maverick), I make a salad on the side, and my kids still have 2 portions each. If I pick them up from school without at least an apple or banana each they are practically howling all the way home. If I get a chance to, before I pick them up, I’ve been making hot chocolate and taking it down to school in a thermos. Banana, hot chocolate. Literally gets them by for about an hour before they’re at the satsumas and plums and getting under my feet while I do dinner.
Sorry, that’s turned into a scathing essay called “Kids Eat. A Lot”.
As others have said, she’s bad enough begging for money, but to pretend that a ten year old boy is getting a week's worth of food there is dangerous. As we have seen, lots of her followers hang on her every flowery adjective, and might be impressionable enough to think that their own 10 year olds can get by on 200-300 calories a day.
I have boys the same kind of age. Full fat milk, real butter, cream, healthy fats like avocados, coconut milk etc etc etc form an important part of their diets. They’re not on fucking slimming World! My kids are very active, and don’t have a roll of fat between them, so it’s not like they’re being over fed. Every morning they share a platter of fruit, then will have either a bowl of porridge or scrambled/poached eggs on wholewheat toast, sometimes bacon pancakes, or crepes. I do them a huge packed lunch each, full of fruit, salad, and something warm to go with.
Dinner my kids have things like today - a huge roast. Brisket cooked down with red wine, goose fat roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, carrots and parsnips cooked in butter and oil. They had a home made sticky toffee pudding with cream for dessert, and this evening after a bath they’ve just had cheese on toast. They only drink water and don’t eat shit like ‘maize snacks’. I only buy very high welfare organic meat, and cook it to go far. I buy organic low nitrate bacon, organic free range eggs.
She should be looking for workarounds to get people eating better quality food and produce from the UK/local, rather than ordering the plebs to eat eyelid sausages and low calorie tasteless slop for a growing boy. She also neglects to mention that he’s probably hardly ever there! So she not only is lying about only spending £20 a week in the first place, for him it’s not even a full week. Show me a ten year old that isn’t permanently ravenous, please! I know they can be fussy, but they’re literally growing like weeds at this age and will eat accordingly. When I make a lasagne, properly cooked down glossy ragu, with proper creamy béchamel (sorry Jack, I know it’s maverick), I make a salad on the side, and my kids still have 2 portions each. If I pick them up from school without at least an apple or banana each they are practically howling all the way home. If I get a chance to, before I pick them up, I’ve been making hot chocolate and taking it down to school in a thermos. Banana, hot chocolate. Literally gets them by for about an hour before they’re at the satsumas and plums and getting under my feet while I do dinner.
Sorry, that’s turned into a scathing essay called “Kids Eat. A Lot”.
Froggies
Chatty Member
Thank you Frauen, I feel truly accepted into the cabal now
Going OFF TOPIC here (soz Jack), but you’re all wonderful and hilarious and I read more than I comment due to being on a constant Grunka, bloody work gets in the way now. From the days of DKL I have been here hooting up a lung at all your funny comments. (Also cannot watch Matt on food unwrapped without thinking of you all!)
Much love you bunch of horrible trolls. Now fuck off.
Going OFF TOPIC here (soz Jack), but you’re all wonderful and hilarious and I read more than I comment due to being on a constant Grunka, bloody work gets in the way now. From the days of DKL I have been here hooting up a lung at all your funny comments. (Also cannot watch Matt on food unwrapped without thinking of you all!)
Much love you bunch of horrible trolls. Now fuck off.
NP
VIP Member
I love how genuine people were trying to offer solutions and she kept throwing hypothetical scenarios back at them why it wouldn’t work.
“Nope! You only have £3 that you found behind the sofa”
“But what about...”
“NO! You only have one eye and three fingers and you live on an island with no shop”
“Nope! You only have £3 that you found behind the sofa”
“But what about...”
“NO! You only have one eye and three fingers and you live on an island with no shop”
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Lovely new thread @Pocahontas thank you. Jack also got the nation using #POBP the cheeky little goblin.
at the end of the last thread there I noticed @Fraggle has a profile pic that I couldn’t discern whether it’s of some unruly labia or cheap wet ham and reader on zooming in...I’m still not sure
at the end of the last thread there I noticed @Fraggle has a profile pic that I couldn’t discern whether it’s of some unruly labia or cheap wet ham and reader on zooming in...I’m still not sure
TriviaNewtonJohn
VIP Member
Jack Monroe #80: a dog is for life, not just to sadfish
LavaFlake
VIP Member
The fact these were all done on a self timer is giving me a full body cringe
I steal names
VIP Member
What a Serious Writer she is, the Brontës have nothing on the Bard of Southend!
traumatised sideboard
VIP Member
What we have here is Jack in real-time trying to come up with a believable excuse for why she hasn't (and won't/SHAN'T) finish this book on time.
hydeist
Chatty Member
Bung it in a curry mate.
PoorPatrol
VIP Member
That’s extremely kind of you to say, and may or may not have brought a tear to my shark eyes!
I guess like all of us, I’m just trying my best not to fuck them up. I am actively thinking about whats best for my children all the time. The idea of using my children for “misty eyed rhetoric” on Twitter chills me to the bone. I’d go without anything, and do quite often knacker myself, to make sure they’ve got really healthy and tasty food. No way would I be giving my kids cheap food full of carcinogens, out of a £3k fridge. It defies belief. People don’t want to eat that shit, they only eat it if they’ve got no choice. Her current foray into poverty tourism is just so crass. She should be highlighting how to do it without resorting to that.
We have a healthy income these days, not wealthy at all, but we’re thankfully not currently worrying. I come from very WC background, no help financially, and we have had some bloody hard times. When my children were young, I used to do things like go to the local market as it was closing for the day on a Sunday. It wasn’t open on Monday so they’d be trying to offload everything. You’d get a blue bag full of red peppers for a pound, courgettes a pound a bag. I used to load up the pram, rain or shine, take it all home and do a mega batch cook, propped up with herbs and spices that I had spent money on. I would buy trays of tinned tomatoes that were good quality but cheap because I’d bought in bulk. Now, not everyone can do that. People don’t always have the £20 to buy 36 tons of tomatoes or whatever. But that’s how we survived and still ate beautiful food. Planning literally a month or two ahead, and therefore saving money as a whole. When my husband’s minimum wage salary came in every month, I would buy 18 toilet rolls, kgs of porridge, grains, rice, then there would be literally a few pounds per week left for fresh food.
She’s not helping anyone by encouraging them to eat rancid veg and cheap meat. She’s a con artist, no better than those scammers who ring asking if you’ve had an accident.
