Jack Monroe #79 Big mistake. Big. HUGE.

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @Froggies for your first thread title! 75 reactions Be proud of yourself.

Recap of thread #78

1. Jack really is the luckiest little urchin alive. To find a pristine Burberry scarf in a puddle of mud and have no one claim it despite very, very, many, many attempts to locate the owner is the stuff of dreams. Literal dreams.
2. She knows how to slice a leek. She went on a bit about leeks on toast in various iterations. Stop trying to make leeks on toast happen.
3. Despite recently giving up sweets and biscuits she ate five biscuits and a Crunchie.
4. She could name half a dozen household name outlets that serve her recipes ... that may be, but will they? Might affect business.
5. She is trying to get up in Marcus Rashford’s niche AGAIN, you know that particular niche of actually doing something worthwhile for others and not making it about himself. You are not and never will be his Mr Miyagj, Jack.
6. She needs a rich and heavy moisturiser for her scaly forehead and shiny eyes ... her eyes?
7. Apparently she’s still got quite a bit of The Shop (Asda) left. Prolly cos you’ve been eating Ocado and Tesco Finest all week, love.
8. She posted some more photos of food that looked neither tempting nor aspirational.
9. Welfare Queen went to Asda and spent a tenner, showing off her yellow stickers like a badge of honour. She’s going back tomorrow to spend another tenner. Wild times.
10. There’s liver and yellow stickered bags of salad. Get ready for offal surprise and E. coli pesto, everyone! It’s good to have you ‘back’, Jack.
11. First up: rainbow dhansak with the reduced to 10p bag of veg. Apparently she refused orders from the veg and went all subversive. Dr Do-Little disobeys the vegetables
12. I haven’t had time to properly grunka cos BUSY y’all, so please add anything I’ve missed. TYNGTAF
    
    Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

    [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
    
    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
    
    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
    
    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
    
    *** JACKISMS ***
    
    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
    
    Yes, absolutely x
    
    Some other favourite Jack quotes:
    
    ‘Babe, same’
    
    ‘I did a chaos’
    
    ‘My maverick brain’
    
    ‘My sad little face’
    
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    
    ‘I laughed up a lung’
    
    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
    
    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
    
    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
    
    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
    
    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
    
    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
    
    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
    
    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
    
    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
    
    Also:
    

    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

    
    Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
    
    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
    [*]

 

[Droosie123]

Yay....congratulations @Froggies

One day I will be witty enough to think up a thread title.

 

[NP]

View attachment 257194
*tip jar rattle*

Where’s that screenshot from Thread 31 where Jack says she now lives in an absolutely insulated sun-trap?

 

[Emmapism]

A lovely little up sum as always @Pocahontas

I'd like to add that by my (very rough because I don't really give a tit) count Jack now has 13 days until her misty-eyed poverty memoir/ D grade Wiki researched book report is due

 

[Froggies]

Thank you Frauen, I feel truly accepted into the cabal now



Going OFF TOPIC here (soz Jack), but you’re all wonderful and hilarious and I read more than I comment due to being on a constant Grunka, bloody work gets in the way now. From the days of DKL I have been here hooting up a lung at all your funny comments. (Also cannot watch Matt on food unwrapped without thinking of you all!)
Much love you bunch of horrible trolls. Now duck off.

 

[Scarletfever]

Does anyone know why she makes two trips to Asda? I don't think she's mentioned it ...

 

[Themaninblack]

Does anyone know why she makes two trips to Asda? I don't think she's mentioned it ...

Tomorrow's yellow labels will be different from today's.

ETA: And I've become Active

 

[PoorPatrol]

How far are we away from the bullshit book deadline?

As others have said, she’s bad enough begging for money, but to pretend that a ten year old boy is getting a week's worth of food there is dangerous. As we have seen, lots of her followers hang on her every flowery adjective, and might be impressionable enough to think that their own 10 year olds can get by on 200-300 calories a day.

I have boys the same kind of age. Full fat milk, real butter, cream, healthy fats like avocados, coconut milk etc etc etc form an important part of their diets. They’re not on bleeping slimming World! My kids are very active, and don’t have a roll of fat between them, so it’s not like they’re being over fed. Every morning they share a platter of fruit, then will have either a bowl of porridge or scrambled/poached eggs on wholewheat toast, sometimes bacon pancakes, or crepes. I do them a huge packed lunch each, full of fruit, salad, and something warm to go with.

Dinner my kids have things like today - a huge roast. Brisket cooked down with red wine, goose fat roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, carrots and parsnips cooked in butter and oil. They had a home made sticky toffee pudding with cream for dessert, and this evening after a bath they’ve just had cheese on toast. They only drink water and don’t eat tit like ‘maize snacks’. I only buy very high welfare organic meat, and cook it to go far. I buy organic low nitrate bacon, organic free range eggs.

She should be looking for workarounds to get people eating better quality food and produce from the UK/local, rather than ordering the plebs to eat eyelid sausages and low calorie tasteless slop for a growing boy. She also neglects to mention that he’s probably hardly ever there! So she not only is lying about only spending £20 a week in the first place, for him it’s not even a full week. Show me a ten year old that isn’t permanently ravenous, please! I know they can be fussy, but they’re literally growing like weeds at this age and will eat accordingly. When I make a lasagne, properly cooked down glossy ragu, with proper creamy béchamel (sorry Jack, I know it’s maverick), I make a salad on the side, and my kids still have 2 portions each. If I pick them up from school without at least an apple or banana each they are practically howling all the way home. If I get a chance to, before I pick them up, I’ve been making hot chocolate and taking it down to school in a thermos. Banana, hot chocolate. Literally gets them by for about an hour before they’re at the satsumas and plums and getting under my feet while I do dinner.

Sorry, that’s turned into a scathing essay called “Kids Eat. A Lot”.

 

[Silver Linings]

Does anyone know why she makes two trips to Asda? I don't think she's mentioned it ...

Yesterday she said she fancied a STOMP over to Aldi to look at the skincare. Perhaps she checked her tip jar balance and decided she could actually afford to buy some non knock off stuff (even though it’s fab imo) and stuck with Asda as she desperately tries to make them notice her.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

How far are we away from the bullshit book deadline?

As others have said, she’s bad enough begging for money, but to pretend that a ten year old boy is getting a week's worth of food there is dangerous. As we have seen, lots of her followers hang on her every flowery adjective, and might be impressionable enough to think that their own 10 year olds can get by on 200-300 calories a day.

I have boys the same kind of age. Full fat milk, real butter, cream, healthy fats like avocados, coconut milk etc etc etc form an important part of their diets. They’re not on bleeping slimming World! My kids are very active, and don’t have a roll of fat between them, so it’s not like they’re being over fed. Every morning they share a platter of fruit, then will have either a bowl of porridge or scrambled/poached eggs on wholewheat toast, sometimes bacon pancakes, or crepes. I do them a huge packed lunch each, full of fruit, salad, and something warm to go with.

Dinner my kids have things like today - a huge roast. Brisket cooked down with red wine, goose fat roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, carrots and parsnips cooked in butter and oil. They had a home made sticky toffee pudding with cream for dessert, and this evening after a bath they’ve just had cheese on toast. They only drink water and don’t eat tit like ‘maize snacks’. I only buy very high welfare organic meat, and cook it to go far. I buy organic low nitrate bacon, organic free range eggs.

She should be looking for workarounds to get people eating better quality food and produce from the UK/local, rather than ordering the plebs to eat eyelid sausages and low calorie tasteless slop for a growing boy. She also neglects to mention that he’s probably hardly ever there! So she not only is lying about only spending £20 a week in the first place, for him it’s not even a full week. Show me a ten year old that isn’t permanently ravenous, please! I know they can be fussy, but they’re literally growing like weeds at this age and will eat accordingly. When I make a lasagne, properly cooked down glossy ragu, with proper creamy béchamel (sorry Jack, I know it’s maverick), I make a salad on the side, and my kids still have 2 portions each. If I pick them up from school without at least an apple or banana each they are practically howling all the way home. If I get a chance to, before I pick them up, I’ve been making hot chocolate and taking it down to school in a thermos. Banana, hot chocolate. Literally gets them by for about an hour before they’re at the satsumas and plums and getting under my feet while I do dinner.

Sorry, that’s turned into a scathing essay called “Kids Eat. A Lot”.

How far are we away from the bullshit book deadline?

As others have said, she’s bad enough begging for money, but to pretend that a ten year old boy is getting a week's worth of food there is dangerous. As we have seen, lots of her followers hang on her every flowery adjective, and might be impressionable enough to think that their own 10 year olds can get by on 200-300 calories a day.

I have boys the same kind of age. Full fat milk, real butter, cream, healthy fats like avocados, coconut milk etc etc etc form an important part of their diets. They’re not on bleeping slimming World! My kids are very active, and don’t have a roll of fat between them, so it’s not like they’re being over fed. Every morning they share a platter of fruit, then will have either a bowl of porridge or scrambled/poached eggs on wholewheat toast, sometimes bacon pancakes, or crepes. I do them a huge packed lunch each, full of fruit, salad, and something warm to go with.

Dinner my kids have things like today - a huge roast. Brisket cooked down with red wine, goose fat roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, carrots and parsnips cooked in butter and oil. They had a home made sticky toffee pudding with cream for dessert, and this evening after a bath they’ve just had cheese on toast. They only drink water and don’t eat tit like ‘maize snacks’. I only buy very high welfare organic meat, and cook it to go far. I buy organic low nitrate bacon, organic free range eggs.

She should be looking for workarounds to get people eating better quality food and produce from the UK/local, rather than ordering the plebs to eat eyelid sausages and low calorie tasteless slop for a growing boy. She also neglects to mention that he’s probably hardly ever there! So she not only is lying about only spending £20 a week in the first place, for him it’s not even a full week. Show me a ten year old that isn’t permanently ravenous, please! I know they can be fussy, but they’re literally growing like weeds at this age and will eat accordingly. When I make a lasagne, properly cooked down glossy ragu, with proper creamy béchamel (sorry Jack, I know it’s maverick), I make a salad on the side, and my kids still have 2 portions each. If I pick them up from school without at least an apple or banana each they are practically howling all the way home. If I get a chance to, before I pick them up, I’ve been making hot chocolate and taking it down to school in a thermos. Banana, hot chocolate. Literally gets them by for about an hour before they’re at the satsumas and plums and getting under my feet while I do dinner.

Sorry, that’s turned into a scathing essay called “Kids Eat. A Lot”.

 

[Dogmuck]

Almost £6 of her £10 budget dedicated to vegan products...bless

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

Yesterday she said she fancied a STOMP over to Aldi to look at the skincare. Perhaps she checked her tip jar balance and decided she could actually afford to buy some non knock off stuff (even though it’s fab imo) and stuck with Asda as she desperately tries to make them notice her.

Is that what this is? Some huge plan to get Asda to notice her yellow sticker shite, so they'll collab on a JackPrice range? After the Sainsbury's debacle, she has more chance of ”finding”Nemo than a brand ever touching her again. Get to duck.

 

[kachoochoo]

Where’s that screenshot from Thread 31 where Jack says she now lives in an absolutely insulated sun-trap?

that was THEN! NOW, it has an actual breeze through!

 

[NellieBoo]

All round to @PoorPatrol for lunch next Sunday . Growing kids eat loads and need high value calories. My son is still very fussy with regard to veg. He's older now, but I used to get veg (and fruit) into his diet by making fruit/raw veg platters for him to eat after school, along with say, crackers/toast, some cheese + something sweet. Filled him up just enough until dinner and meant I didn't stress about him not really wanting a variety of cooked veg.

 

[bazzam]

How far are we away from the bullshit book deadline?

As others have said, she’s bad enough begging for money, but to pretend that a ten year old boy is getting a week's worth of food there is dangerous. As we have seen, lots of her followers hang on her every flowery adjective, and might be impressionable enough to think that their own 10 year olds can get by on 200-300 calories a day.

I have boys the same kind of age. Full fat milk, real butter, cream, healthy fats like avocados, coconut milk etc etc etc form an important part of their diets. They’re not on bleeping slimming World! My kids are very active, and don’t have a roll of fat between them, so it’s not like they’re being over fed. Every morning they share a platter of fruit, then will have either a bowl of porridge or scrambled/poached eggs on wholewheat toast, sometimes bacon pancakes, or crepes. I do them a huge packed lunch each, full of fruit, salad, and something warm to go with.

Dinner my kids have things like today - a huge roast. Brisket cooked down with red wine, goose fat roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, carrots and parsnips cooked in butter and oil. They had a home made sticky toffee pudding with cream for dessert, and this evening after a bath they’ve just had cheese on toast. They only drink water and don’t eat tit like ‘maize snacks’. I only buy very high welfare organic meat, and cook it to go far. I buy organic low nitrate bacon, organic free range eggs.

She should be looking for workarounds to get people eating better quality food and produce from the UK/local, rather than ordering the plebs to eat eyelid sausages and low calorie tasteless slop for a growing boy. She also neglects to mention that he’s probably hardly ever there! So she not only is lying about only spending £20 a week in the first place, for him it’s not even a full week. Show me a ten year old that isn’t permanently ravenous, please! I know they can be fussy, but they’re literally growing like weeds at this age and will eat accordingly. When I make a lasagne, properly cooked down glossy ragu, with proper creamy béchamel (sorry Jack, I know it’s maverick), I make a salad on the side, and my kids still have 2 portions each. If I pick them up from school without at least an apple or banana each they are practically howling all the way home. If I get a chance to, before I pick them up, I’ve been making hot chocolate and taking it down to school in a thermos. Banana, hot chocolate. Literally gets them by for about an hour before they’re at the satsumas and plums and getting under my feet while I do dinner.

Sorry, that’s turned into a scathing essay called “Kids Eat. A Lot”.

your food sounds lovely. i agree with every word.

 

[Alansbigplate]

Lovely new thread @Pocahontas thank you. Jack also got the nation using #POBP the cheeky little goblin.

at the end of the last thread there I noticed @Fraggle has a profile pic that I couldn’t discern whether it’s of some unruly labia or cheap wet ham and reader on zooming in...I’m still not sure

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

We didn't get a photo of the receipt this week because she also bought decent food and biscuits and cakes and stuff.

 

[Dogmuck]

We didn't get a photo of the receipt this week because she also bought decent food and biscuits and cakes and stuff.

She’ll put them up on her blog later, stop mithering she’s BUSY rinsing the liver!

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Lovely new thread @Pocahontas thank you. Jack also got the nation using #POBP the cheeky little goblin.

at the end of the last thread there I noticed @Fraggle has a profile pic that I couldn’t discern whether it’s of some unruly labia or cheap wet ham and reader on zooming in...I’m still not sure

View attachment 257264

FFS Alan!

 

[Lanie]

Lovely new thread @Pocahontas thank you. Jack also got the nation using #POBP the cheeky little goblin.

at the end of the last thread there I noticed @Fraggle has a profile pic that I couldn’t discern whether it’s of some unruly labia or cheap wet ham and reader on zooming in...I’m still not sure

View attachment 257264

That is all levels off wrong.