Jack Monroe #79 Big mistake. Big. HUGE.

[instacharlie]

oh my god sweet baby jesus. View attachment 258366

eta the raw gut spilling tedium would probably be more amusing than this. please post it.

Has anyone told her that dogs are for life, not just 3 weekends out of 4?

She's grieving for having no more kids? Really? Or is she grieving for the last 10 years she's shown such resentment to him?

Coming from someone who has spent years, day in day out, listening to the silence of having no kids , fuck off Jack You don't know the meaning of the word heartache.

 

[Starsanddaggers]

Not sure if my lovely haus frau brigade will remember little old moi.

But I am very much still in the coven.
Just BUSY (now fuck off etc etc)

I saw these rolls today and thought of you all.

Stood laughing to myself in the bread aisle.

 

[Mrsfifi]

Still a very new follower of Jack so I’m sure this has been covered but.......Why on earth does she write everything as if she’s Enid Blyton?
That style of writing is ok if you are in fact Enid Blyton. She writes about her daily life as though she is a character in a novel set in the 1800’s. Everything so floral and elaborately described. I imagine her imagining herself padding down the hallway at night with her slippers on. A glorious and hearty midnight feast of tinned sardines, tinned peaches, thick slices of ham and lashings of ginger beer accompanying her. Grinning mischievously at her ruddy cheeked companions - oh what bricks they all are! Not a negative nelly as far as the eye can see. Hoping that swarthy matron doesn’t scupper their well thought plans....
She’s exhausting.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Of fucking course she'd get a staffie - "I went to the local Waitrose today with Doggo and immediately the middle-class people there spat on me and called my dog a scummy thug. At the deli counter I asked for some wet ham and the lady said, 'Madam, do you know how much this costs?' so I picked up a pack of sausages as well, and slammed them on the counter."

 

[Montrachet]

Credit @lilamay and @Bookweevil

 

[AdultHumanFemale]

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This makes me so fucking mad.

I think I may have commented on this before? But this is pure wank.

I have PCOS, and as a consequence since my mid teens my hair has been thinning. It thins considerably more during times of high stress and depressive episodes.

I know there are women who have it a lot worse than me, but I am not even 30 and I have significant thinning at the front of my head. So much so that in most photos I look partially bald.

I *HATE* this soo much. It's the thing I am most self conscious of than anything else, because there is no hiding that you can see my scalp. I used to have this beautiful thick hair, and now I have very thin and thinning hair that I know is only going to get worse.

I cannot see her scalp, I cannot see any patches or attempts to hide parts of her head where it is worse.

 

[BollockSausage]

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@Cuileann Feel you with how annoying her random capitalisation of words is! They aren't nouns, Jack!

Sorry if this has been said but that last tweet annoyed the fuck out of me. Does she just love adding to the anxiety of already anxious people? Alcoholics do not need to think that quitting means ‘long nights wide awake fretting about literally everything’. What a dangerous message.

For any alcoholics among us: recovery often means you are finally able to sleep again, having developed healthier ways to deal with anxiety. It doesn’t just mean fewer headaches.

 

[Alansbigplate]

I was looking for an exact handing in date for the manuscript. This is as close as I got:

(Tweets from August 2nd via @Silver Linings )
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And (from @Scarletfever)
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Is she still hammering it home?

T-minus two days then and she’s printed out a page from Wikipedia, a photo of David Cameron, drawn on his face & taken self timer photos with an empty pad of paper

 

[colouredlines]

OK, so I fell under the Grunka train but luckily it was chunky Mediterranean arse to the rescue! A few notes:

1) The first lesson anyone on a budget should learn if they are using the reduced section: buy little and often. You will save no money if your food goes off before you can eat it! 2 bags of stir-fry veg and 1 bag of salad will all need to be used today...unlikely. Offal is a risky foodstuff that should never be eaten if it may have gone off, so again should be cooked today or frozen.

2) Including reduced items' prices in a recipe ingredient list is deceitful.

3) SPOILER ALERT: Jack's legendary, maverick shopping technique consists of

Spoiler: shhhh

folding a paper into quarters, titling each section PROTEIN, CARBS, FRUIT & VEG, STORECUPBOARD then filling them up. Game changer!!!

I've saved so much by doing this that I now own 3 freezers, 20 sideboards and a Caribbean island.

4) Pineapple contains enzymes which curdle yogurt and milk. This is why recipes mixing pineapple and dairy are rare.

 

[Pocahontas]

This was exactly it Poca, let’s make love

Ok, Alan.

 

[Veronicaaa]

tag yourself. I'm abject despair
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Is this .... her photoshoot?

 

[colouredlines]

There is gay Harry Potter fanfic that is more believable than Small Boy's utterings.

 

[Pocahontas]

The way she writes recipes is abysmal.
‘Scum.’ Scum - why would you write this in a recipe that you want to entice people with? Also - ‘wait a beat, or more accurately, two minutes.’ Just say two minutes, you fool!
‘Some people are a bit aghast at me using stock cubes in curries’ - what a fucking shoddy sentence. I hate your writing, Jack - you have no business in this ... business.
@PoorPatrol - loved your post. I have two boys who are either side of 10. They eat me out of house and home but are still as thin as racing snakes. I don’t know what she’s playing at with her small portions of shit for a growing boy. She has no respect for the people hanging on her poorly-constructed sentences. Yes, you, Jack! Be gone!

 

[Apricotarm]

This dog thing is really upsetting me. It’s all about what a dog can do for her. What about what a dog would need from you, you selfish twat?

Do you really think a dog wants to put up with your unstable thinking/life???

You moan about responsibility yet want more?

what if your landlord gives you notice or something else happens and you need to move house and can’t find another house that accepts dogs?

You are pleading financial instability but want to take on the great financial cost of looking after a dog properly?

some days you can’t walk because of all your ailments, will the dog walk itself?

are you going to call him nasty names when he doesn’t fit in with your life?

in your “headspace”!!!!
I’m sure a dog has no wish to be in yours you self absorbed piece of shit.

now get to absolutely fuckety fuck.

 

[byropaw]

Hello! I'm back. Why? Because JM is an IDIOT. I want a dog. I want a baby. I bought 2 coats last week. I am very poor. I eat mouldy vegetables. I love yellow stickers. I use little red love hearts. I have a scaly forehead. I found a scarf in my little mouse ears. I'm private, I ache inside, no I'M OKAY!

Me: Jack, buy a fucking pack of salmon pieces, some potatoes, some beautiful green vegetables and eat one fucking decent meal without fucking talking about it.

Jack: (laughing) I know right?

(Oh, we're still allowed to swear, right?)

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Slightly distinguished temple??

Yeah, she needs to work far harder on that..

I've got full badger stripes either side of my quiff AND I can cook so I'd say with some confidence that I'm the 18th best gay in the UK.

 

[Emmapism]

Hella embarrassed AF. Same fam. Same.

 

[Dogmuck]

I’m not on a budget (fancy) but I still do a meal plan before I go shopping because unless you’re a total dick why wouldn’t you? I cannot bear food waste and I don’t have the time (IM BUSY reading Tattle) or energy to start making up maverick meals every evening because I’ve just scooted round the shops slinging any old shite in my trolly and not considered what’s in my cupboards/fridge already that might need using up!

Ive not always been fancy, I’ve been on a budget and the only way you can realistically know you’re going to be able to feed yourself for a week is with a plan. I taught myself this because I realised quickly once I’d left home that wo(man) cannot live on finders crispy pancakes alone.

Also it takes the fear out of dinner times, you know where you’re at, you know you’ve got the ingredients and you’re good to go. My mother used to start making food and then be like “oh no onions” go to the shop and get onions, come back with onions and she’d realise she had no oxo’s so she’d send us out again for oxo but we had to go to the “top shops” (Fuxking miles away) because she wasn’t buying oxos from that robbing madam af the corner shop . Get back with oxos and she’d realised she didn’t have enough potatoes! This was my life as a kid and it sure as hell wasnt gonna let that happen to mine...so plan!

That is what she needs to start with...write a weekly menu, list the ingredients for each meal, then go and buy it, show your receipts, then make the meal and write the recipe! Nobody cares that you can make some nonsense slop for 35p out of yellow sticker crap that’s exclusive to your shop! ITS NOT HELPING ANYONE

 

[kachoochoo]

I thought she wasn't ALLOWED a DOG in the RENTED BUNGALOW

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

How many days till deadline?

I did NOT see this coming AT ALL.