Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Got dem screenshots
- Notice
Melmoo
Chatty Member
Earlier today an estate agents van from the local shop down the road drove past me house. After calling the samaritans , vomiting for an hour and hyperventilating into a paper bag I rang them. Only to be told that the little retired geezer they hire ad-hoc for out of hours viewings in my area often uses my road as a cut through rather than the main high street to save himself a little time getting back to the office. Well the absolute selfish bastard has left me wondering if life is just fucking out to get me once and for all. Havent I dealt with enough demons throughout my small petrid existence but no, it seems life has dealt another cruel blow
After taking a couple of shots of tequila to deal with the shock and calm myself down I called them back to enquire how much the house I am renting would actually cost to buy only to be told if you have to ask.. you cant afford it, but seeing as you did, it's actually 2billion times your paltry salary you piece of shit. I dont know where my life goes from here but I muster the strength to carry on for another day and face my demons from the local Farrell Hayworth branch once again. Keep fighting the good fight people who only earn over 100k per annum life will turn around for us very soon.
After taking a couple of shots of tequila to deal with the shock and calm myself down I called them back to enquire how much the house I am renting would actually cost to buy only to be told if you have to ask.. you cant afford it, but seeing as you did, it's actually 2billion times your paltry salary you piece of shit. I dont know where my life goes from here but I muster the strength to carry on for another day and face my demons from the local Farrell Hayworth branch once again. Keep fighting the good fight people who only earn over 100k per annum life will turn around for us very soon.
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
Good morning everyone! I noticed this yesterday and didn't know whether the share it or not but it's so hilarious I can't keep it to myself. I's fairly sure I've found one of Jack's twitter alts (she's such a dummy re. triangulation she's replying to the bootstrapcook mentions). It's followed by Jack's mum and Louisa and is fond of 'thankyou very much', which is something of a tell. Anyway, someone yesterday posted that they've made a recipe from veganish (the fake bake pasties) and of course Jack couldn't help but reply about delicious her own recipe looked. The person she's replying to is oblivious that she's talking to the recipe's author and so gives her some tips on how they could be improved. And look - it seems that Jack's recipe says to put the gravy granules directly into the filling, rather than making up the gravy and adding that?!
ETA - the bio for the alt in question is "You should see my other account, it’s a Porsche"
Further ETA - she's got her location marked as "Edinburgh, Scotland"
ETA - the bio for the alt in question is "You should see my other account, it’s a Porsche"
Further ETA - she's got her location marked as "Edinburgh, Scotland"
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colouredlines
VIP Member
This was part of a Guardian job she had, which also led to one of my favourite Jack lines ever (context: she is learning to cook lasagne):
I bought one from M&S, unwrapped it, felt through that sticky white sauce and revealed layers of minced meat, tomato sauce and pasta sheets. Not so mysterious.
It's a fucking lasagne love, what were you expecting to find? Lord Lucan?
Jack Monroe's ready-meal challenge
Jack Monroe: Pushed for both time and money, many of us have come to rely on processed convenience food. But, with a little effort, you can make cheaper, tastier and healthier versions of the same dishes in your own kitchen
www.theguardian.com
Congratulations to @blurstoftimes for the thread title! A colossal 133 reactions 
It really IS the blurst of times. Again, your name shall be known to the end of eternity.
Special mention to @colouredlines for Jack Monroe: She Left
Recap of thread #73
It really IS the blurst of times. Again, your name shall be known to the end of eternity.Special mention to @colouredlines for Jack Monroe: She Left
Recap of thread #73
- I’m going to try to be brief for the Brief. Our one, not Jack’s
- Has Jack Fixed It For You? If so, now’s your chance to write a letter to tell her just how much you love her, and why. And what for. And since when. And who do you love her less than. Literally just send all that shit to her agent’s assistant, who really is dying for the unpaid but worthy job of opening Jack’s fan mail #freenatalia
- Shit’s gone down in Southend. Some mucky bastard had the literal cheek to put a For Sale sign outside her house. To experience the wild kaleidoscopic ride of those few hours outside an unassuming house on a quiet suburban street, see @kachoochoo ’s epic post here . Bitcoin-a-plenty for you, dear frau, and you have Vlad’s grudging respect until Monday.
- To cut a long story short, an axe came into play, she howled ‘Heeeeeerrrre’s Jackie’ and took out the For Sale sign. Or, did she.
- She joked about crowdfunding a house again, a ‘slightly too-small house’ that she could call her very own. She’s done the maths though, and she needs to sell a hell of a lot more books, so link in the bio, folks!
- Only it’s not, because She Left. Again.
- No Twitter, no Instagram. Gone up in a cloud of ephemera.
- But, then she came back, for about five minutes.
- But, then She Left!
- <play: Twilight Zone theme tune> <play: The Clash, Should I stay or should I go>
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, and bullying ninnies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, and bullying ninnies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
traumatised sideboard
VIP Member
For those of you questioning the veracity of the anatomy aspect of Jack's train story (which we all know is otherwise completely credible), I'll have you know she had a full body scan done while she was at A&E for her severely broken eye socket.
blurstoftimes
VIP Member
She even bought smart price ready made mash! Such a passionate foodie. Can just picture those balmy Cypriot evenings, sat by the lemon tree while her weathered old grandma pops some authentic pre made mash in the oven, the smell of the lemon treeS lingering in the air while the tinned spaghetti and 1% meat sausages gently simmer. Real salt of the earth stuff .
Stickybeaker33
Member
The comments on that article 
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Turnsoutlittlemonkeyfella
New member
Jamie and Buddy Oliver?
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Nottonightbabe
VIP Member
Somebody said earlier the alt account started tweeting on Sep 1st and wondered what happened that day? It was black eye day.
Apricotarm
New member
Hi, been lurking a long time. I was so angry during the kitten saga I googled her and found I wasn’t the only one who was sick of her behaviour - everything that has been said here really.
I was looking at her mentions last night and saw the manky mink say “thankyou” and thought Mmmm. Her cover was different then and she also had Covid. Looks to have cleared up now mind as she’s been to Asda
You’ve all given me many laughs. I was beginning to think I was going mad so I’m glad others have seen all her bollox too.
I was looking at her mentions last night and saw the manky mink say “thankyou” and thought Mmmm. Her cover was different then and she also had Covid. Looks to have cleared up now mind as she’s been to Asda
You’ve all given me many laughs. I was beginning to think I was going mad so I’m glad others have seen all her bollox too.
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Thatmoonringisdanielles
Active member
Jack Monroe #75 This mess is down to me, with all due respect.
Turnsoutlittlemonkeyfella
New member
From veganish to smart price sausages. Seriously Jack, please fuck right off 
Hey all, first time poster here. Been lurking since the DW pile on and have spent many an hour grunkaling through the threads. Loving your work fraus.
Hey all, first time poster here. Been lurking since the DW pile on and have spent many an hour grunkaling through the threads. Loving your work fraus.
Silver Linings
VIP Member
Switchstreetz
VIP Member
Jack Monroe #75 Fraulock Holmes, A Study in Mink
Lumpyspaceprincess
VIP Member
#75 uppity blue tick gone rogue
I had to go out for a few hours and it’s all kicked off! I can’t keep bloody up
I had to go out for a few hours and it’s all kicked off! I can’t keep bloody up
BeautifulTrauma
VIP Member
Jack you’re tweeting at 4pm on a Sunday. If your Asda is like my Asda then it closes at 4pm. So either:
a) This is an old picture used to try and create drama or
b) It’s right on closing time, shelves haven’t been restocked all day and they’ll be doing it tonight
Get a fucking grip you idiot.
ChickenPorridge
VIP Member
Ahhhhh, wee austerity Jack is back to save the UK (again) with her recipes and hard hitting blogs 
.
Bowls of gruel for everyone from now til Christmas, folks. Hang on I've got a call coming through.
Hello? What do you mean? Well nobody else does the Christmas-Colin Caterpillars. No, your luxury double chocolate Yule log sprinkled with gold dust will NOT do. Oh you know what, just cancel my fucking order, I'll call Harrods. Are you you even familiar with my body of work? Oh absolutely get fucked.
. Bowls of gruel for everyone from now til Christmas, folks. Hang on I've got a call coming through.
Hello? What do you mean? Well nobody else does the Christmas-Colin Caterpillars. No, your luxury double chocolate Yule log sprinkled with gold dust will NOT do. Oh you know what, just cancel my fucking order, I'll call Harrods. Are you you even familiar with my body of work? Oh absolutely get fucked.
Silver Linings
VIP Member
Thread suggestion for my beloved. Jack Monroe #75 Peekaboo.