Jack Monroe #558 I own a fridge! This is my cooker! Look at my rug! Look at my duvet!

[MurielSnark]

So she’s no longer sieving it and “nestling” it next to the Angel Delight and the Smash?View attachment 2653138
View attachment 2653113View attachment 2653114

"...in a can of tomatoes for a two-ingredient pappa al pomodoro..."

That's a hate crime. It's supposed to be a soup using top quality tomatoes, with bread, oil, garlic and basil for that alchemy of Italian flavours and Jack calls a slop of tinned tomatoes and dried stuffing dust by this name? For shame.

How to make the perfect pappa al pomodoro – recipe | Felicity Cloake's How to make the perfect …

You’ll be surprised at the burst of flavour you can get from this thrifty Tuscan soup made mainly with tomatoes and bread

www.theguardian.com

 

[I'm not actually here]

Dear 2024, pls let the canal be informed by the mods that a major publisher has been in touch asking us to write the mememememoirs.
1. Cos forensic ninnies remember far more correctly than guest what happened and when and 2. Cos we can, to deadline and edited (line up, oh grammar frauen to contribute!) and 3. To make a decent sized donation to a charity or 10 who have deserved monies that guest failed abjectedly to pass on.

(I know this is late, but I forgot to write to Santa!)

 

[Snotbuster]

think of the poor fuckers who had this:

the queer one that writes that cheap recipe blog on Tumblr


also - why does she insist on costing salt and pepper at <1p?

She can't help it! She's just so forensic. It's a curse, really.

 

[MooBelle]

Why does it look like pressing down on “A“ makes the jam(?) come flying out of “B”?

View attachment 2653003

Miss, Miss, Miss, Sidey B has a hat and I don't have a hat Miss.
And Miss you promised we could watch a video on last day of term but you made us clean out the cupboard Miss.
I'm telling.

 

[Lazarus]

"...in a can of tomatoes for a two-ingredient pappa al pomodoro..."

That's a hate crime. It's supposed to be a soup using top quality tomatoes, with bread, oil, garlic and basil for that alchemy of Italian flavours and Jack calls a slop of tinned tomatoes and dried stuffing dust by this name? For shame.

How to make the perfect pappa al pomodoro – recipe | Felicity Cloake's How to make the perfect …

You’ll be surprised at the burst of flavour you can get from this thrifty Tuscan soup made mainly with tomatoes and bread

www.theguardian.com

Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

As promised earlier I made this for lunch. 1. Ingredients as described...I added a bit of class with some Paxo as it was all the corner shop had in. 2. This is where my concerns first began to grow. I was feeling meticulous (ie. I took an extra 10 seconds) to cut the tomatos into eight...

tattle.life

I feel like @MancBee also made this but I can’t find it. Perhaps someone could link? TYFATYD

 

[I'm not actually here]

Please, please do. I can't wait to see how bad they are. It's such fun seeing how wrong a recipe can be. It's like an initiation into a special club. It's also handy that with a recipe that requires veg peelings, you won't waste too many edible ingredients.

Good luck.

My compost heap, which is obvs a sentient being requiring much TLC and zero slop, begs to differ. Most of the ingredients she ruins would be better off on the compost heap before she even breaks out a teaspoon, handy moleskine, ring light, camera, etc.

 

[ForgettyBetty]

Grifty Kitchen must have been much longer in the making than we thought.
150g of own brand lemon curd is 42p alone, so we're not getting 16 at 2p.

Silly me, she ovbiously means they're the size of a 2p piece- and cute as a grimy button.

 

[rage naan]

two questions,
1. why is she like this?
and
2. why did her publishers let her be like this in a book with their name on?

Fig 1. Given what we all associate guest & burgers with, this is a crime

Fig 2. Does she think recipes are supposed to give you the boak? It is the only explanation

Fig 3. NO

 

[I'm not actually here]

Having never participated in a slop along I quickly, ahem, obtained a copy of Grifty Kitchen to see what horrors I could make. I know we hark on about how awful her recipes are, but it’s so true. Look at this one, definitely a possibility for a slop along. Firstly the photo, why display it on a grubby, clearly un-ironed tea towel? Then the actual recipe itself, 300g of rice, what sort of rice? I know she has a thing about making “risotto” with long grain, but if that’s what you mean bloody say long grain. Then two stock cubes, again, what sort? I’d assume chicken or vegetable for this, but as it doesn’t say it could be beef or even fish. Then a quarter head of lettuce, okay, but what sort of lettuce? A quarter head of iceberg is going to be a completely different amount to a quarter head of little gem. At the end of all that you’re going to get a plate of (probably) long grain rice cooked in a random kind of stock with peas and lettuce. It’ll taste of sod all and have the texture of, well, hot lettuce and al dente rice . ETA, the photo features carrots, there are no carrots in the recipe. Editing myself fir a second time like a ninny, but she also tells us to put the rice and oil/spread into a cold pan together and heat it up. Okay, so I am a ninny, that photo is for a different recipe which my not at all pirated copy put next to the lettuce risotto. The grubby tea towel remark still stands though.

Bet her mother wishes guest had sold the camera after all.

 

[Walkdengirl]

Not been in here for a while, I wonder did the frozen eels finally get eaten this Christmas?

 

[I'm not actually here]

I’m procrastinating so I’m going to treat the canal to a selection of peripatetic ephemera from Grifty Kitchen.
This picture for obvious reasons.

View attachment 2652969

Wtaf is that?
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Obviously thrupenny crumblenuts were too spenny, so we get tuppence lemon drops instead.
View attachment 2652973
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Let’s make boxes out of boxes!
View attachment 2652974

She dusted them with... Baking powder?! Hahaha, writer she ain't and never will be.

Grandma and punkshewashun, pls, to join the lengthy list of words Jack doesn't understand.

Can we start a petition for the publishers, editors, subbies, proofreaders etc responsible for launching this tit upon us all for a decade to have slop thrown at them?!

 

[MancBee]

Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

As promised earlier I made this for lunch. 1. Ingredients as described...I added a bit of class with some Paxo as it was all the corner shop had in. 2. This is where my concerns first began to grow. I was feeling meticulous (ie. I took an extra 10 seconds) to cut the tomatos into eight...

tattle.life

I feel like @MancBee also made this but I can’t find it. Perhaps someone could link? TYFATYD

I made Jack's tomato soup. I can still remember the taste, unfortunately.

It starts halfway down this page. https://tattle.life/threads/jack-mo...rom-the-poor-to-give-to-herself.10457/page-22

 

[hoopdedoo]

Dear 2024, pls let the canal be informed by the mods that a major publisher has been in touch asking us to write the mememememoirs.
1. Cos forensic ninnies remember far more correctly than guest what happened and when and 2. Cos we can, to deadline and edited (line up, oh grammar frauen to contribute!) and 3. To make a decent sized donation to a charity or 10 who have deserved monies that guest failed abjectedly to pass on.

(I know this is late, but I forgot to write to Santa!)

I was thinking about 3) because last year the Slopalong participants donated to food banks and other agencies, each donation representing the cost of the ingredients the participant used in their, um, experiment. Collectively, it was certainly a larger donation than guest ever actually made that year to anything other than herself. I'm going to donate the same sum again this year, as a symbolic offset to the damage that guest causes to food bank users (by promoting her wasteful recipes that don't work).

 

[rage naan]

Bonne Maman marmalade. So very, very thrifty.

ETA: see my previous post about this very picture here

Jack Monroe #462 Tectonic plates make less fuss about moving

I think the sister wife hair stennies photoshoot did it - she said she’d grow her hair for the wedding…. She'll end up as one of those sad sacks who have a wedding for themselves. I hope Jack and her raging ego have a wonderful life together, however, I also hope she'd get someone else in to...

tattle.life

Following that link led me to another post by you @Lazarus which included these

Spoiler: Five o'clock shadow watercolour jack

and honestly I don't think I'm coming back from this seriously I can't breathe and the cat doesn't know how to call 999 oh my god look at her

 

[I'm not actually here]

I was thinking about 3) because last year the Slopalong participants donated to food banks and other agencies, each donation representing the cost of the ingredients the participant used in their, um, experiment. Collectively, it was certainly a larger donation than guest ever actually made that year to anything other than herself. I'm going to donate the same sum again this year, as a symbolic offset to the damage that guest causes to food bank users (by promoting her wasteful recipes that don't work).

Agreed, and I would donate if I could. In addition, and if there was a way, for the damage she has caused to so many (including a few who have found their way here) whose confidence in the kitchen has been hugely damaged by her thieving and incompetence.
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Following that link led me to another post by you @Lazarus which included these

Spoiler: Five o'clock shadow watercolour jack

View attachment 2653384View attachment 2653385

and honestly I don't think I'm coming back from this seriously I can't breathe and the cat doesn't know how to call 999 oh my god look at her

@FunnyFuneral has a whole um menu of options.

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Ugh spoiler please

Babe same

 

[Valiofthedolls]

two questions,
1. why is she like this?
and
2. why did her publishers let her be like this in a book with their name on?

Fig 1. Given what we all associate guest & burgers with, this is a crime
View attachment 2653332


Fig 2. Does she think recipes are supposed to give you the boak? It is the only explanation
View attachment 2653334

Fig 3. NO
View attachment 2653335

Questions 1 and 2, it’s not her first (repulsive) rodeo. Her publishers have enabled her all the way.

And anyway, it’s just BASIC BIOLOGY

 

[I'm not actually here]

"...in a can of tomatoes for a two-ingredient pappa al pomodoro..."

That's a hate crime. It's supposed to be a soup using top quality tomatoes, with bread, oil, garlic and basil for that alchemy of Italian flavours and Jack calls a slop of tinned tomatoes and dried stuffing dust by this name? For shame.

How to make the perfect pappa al pomodoro – recipe | Felicity Cloake's How to make the perfect …

You’ll be surprised at the burst of flavour you can get from this thrifty Tuscan soup made mainly with tomatoes and bread

www.theguardian.com

Forget an abject apology in 2024, we need an assassin to take all these recipes offline, and creMate the books, so that no poor soul need ever stumble upon them ever again. Except in the wiki, obvs! Where they shalt remain henceforth to protecteth future generations from such evil.

Or summat.

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

More handy hints, half of them boil down to “use a receptacle as a receptacle”.
View attachment 2653005View attachment 2653006

Her best book yet......

 

[Valiofthedolls]

This recipe with a pre blurb featuring dusty aunt Helen, but which has absolutely nothing to do with the actual recipe below.
View attachment 2652978
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And finally, our old friend the bromelain in pineapple.
View attachment 2652980

She’s such a lazy fucker. And that publisher/her editor is tit.