Jack Monroe #553 Fairytale of No Pork

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Maybe the Excel spreadsheet was on her ancient Nokia. Like Kelly Rowland had.
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Tbf, teenage me thought it was the bollocks when I saw it in that video, and I wanted one, but I couldn’t have one because I was a poor and also I don’t even think they were available in the UK

Fucking hell, imagine that now
I loved my battered second hand BlackBerry though - BBM really was the bollocks!
 
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Urk. Another blast from the past.

There is NO way that is a sober person talking. Right up to the maniacal laugh at the cut off. She should have been taken under someone’s wing and away from the maddening crowds about three minutes after that interview finished.

Wonder what that odious Pratchett offspring is making of it all now, after she hung her hat on Jack coming through. Another twat.
 
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This one? An absolute state. The world is far better without her scaremongering incorrect shite being broadcast

Mither mither…. Her radio comes on at 7 in the morning every day to wake her up. Was it broken on the day shatterston came to take her to her photoshoot
 
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Mither mither…. Her radio comes on at 7 in the morning every day to wake her up. Was it broken on the day shatterston came to take her to her photoshoot
Yes, she's up at 7am every day to do the pretend school run then get cracking on testing imaginary recipes.
She's absolutely shitfaced here. Sounds uncannily like Phil Cornwell's Mick Jagger to me...
 
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Speaking of Not Jack does anyone remember the insta page from the vegan period that we suspected was Jack which then just stopped posting? I can’t seem to find it now.
 
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Speaking of Not Jack does anyone remember the insta page from the vegan period that we suspected was Jack which then just stopped posting? I can’t seem to find it now.
Still there, no posts since mid 2021.
 
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SHANT?! Lying.

I'm in!
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And that is me finished. Can't breathe for laughing.


Hey, guset guest wtte you call yourself these days, do you know that the canal has its own funeral parlour, simply to deal with us dying from laughter at your idiocies?!

Bythe way, we don't need you back. You wouldn't believe how much content(not a dog... Actually, where is the dog?) we have without you.

We haza fuckton. The longer you stay gone, the more we have! How fucking cool is that?!
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Lots of letters q... L...? M? Well, them anyway. I have been drinking. My own wine. Yay, you can all have a litre. Send 25e to somewhere random and... Oh, I dunno, I'll drink it for you?!
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I'll apologise for this 2mrw. After the school run!
 
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I promise I have read the Wiki, painstakingly, tenderly, and gently, please dear tenderstem tell me what QLM means? Thank space you
 
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I promise I have read the Wiki, painstakingly, tenderly, and gently, please dear tenderstem tell me what QLM means? Thank space you
"Quoting Myself Like a Ninny" .

Jack has repeatedly alluded to Tattlers being a bunch of ninnies ... How rude!

And we always feel a bit gauche, darling, at quoting our own wise words
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Oh wait... QLM...just read it properly! .. I have no feckin clue! It's too late/early.
 
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Yer Ma buys her knickers in the Lidl
This one I find strangely specific and actually hard to do so if nothing else it shows perseverance or maybe just the ownership of a small bum.
I tried recently to purchase some ladies underwear (finding myself away from home with not enough clothing) in a Lidl and was foiled by them only having three dusty old looking boxes left, each containing a size small. Which was very small if the size of the maternity tops was anything to go by. May I suggest; your mam buys her (only Christmas variety) socks/harry potter joggers/outdoor work trousers/musical ceiling lights in Lidl instead?
 
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Lads, I have a possible explanation for her absence. I've just seen the advert for the new series of Masked Singer starting after Christmas.
Really makes you think.
 
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Lads, I have a possible explanation for her absence. I've just seen the advert for the new series of Masked Singer starting after Christmas.
Really makes you think.
As the title suggests it’s supposed to keep the audience guessing who the singer is. If they come out with “BOULEVAAAAAAAAARD. HONK!” it will be fairly obvious
 
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This is a great thread to sort by ‘most liked’
 
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As the title suggests it’s supposed to keep the audience guessing who the singer is. If they come out with “BOULEVAAAAAAAAARD. HONK!” it will be fairly obvious
Obvious to the Canal, but 99.9% of the UK?

When she is voted out, and after the obligatory shouts of "take it off, take it off" from the studio audience, she removes the mask. Blank looks across the panel. Camera pans to the audience, blank looks. All across the UK, blank looks.

Jack storms off shouting "You'd know who I was if I could roll up my sleeves." She comes back on stage with her sleeves cut off. Blank looks all round.
 
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at least I don’t sound like a sheep mated a goose and the offspring stood on a vibroplate, Mate.
Brilliant

Fucking hell. I’ve never heard that before. That is not the voice of a sober person.
Was figuring out who Jack reminds me of in this interview. I think it's Lily Allen during her druggiest phase. She's got that same 'I'm still in bed and can't be bothered to speak' voice. And both have a posher accent than they want to reveal.
 
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Re: comments that were mithered over earlier in this thread, about Jack’s negotiation skills, rest and recuperation, expenses, double the fee and if you still don’t feel awkward chuck another tenner on…

 
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Classic Jack -to get to the sub minimum wage figure that she needs to peacock about earning, she totted up the hours that she “worked” that day to include those that she spent attending a fellowship meeting and the many hours she spent snarking and snarling like poked bear on Twitter. This so exhausted her that she failed to surface until mid morning the next day, missing a number of scheduled interviews.

Good evidence that she considers all of her waking hours as counting towards her 120 hour work week, presumably on the grounds that her mere existence is billable.
 
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