Or is she just a dickhead?
Or is she just a dickhead?She has serious mental problems.
Oh my god she also had a cameo in my dream!! Highly disturbing! She was teaching at the school I work at (think it was all that, I'M ON THE GCSE SYLLABUS DON'T YOU KNOW, as IF any self respecting English teacher would choose to teach whichever section her work appears inStill need to catch up on the last 5 pages but I’ve learnt a lesson...don’t read about JM before going to sleep otherwise you have eff’d up dreams...will put behind spoiler as a bit weird!
So in said dream I was on a school trip (assume my subconscious regressed back to then as it can only make sense of JM’s behaviour that way?!). Anyway I was on a bus (that was also a plane, fancy) and ended up sat next to her. She was a pain in the backside and harassed me so much both physically/verbally, let alone invading my space that other people asked for her to be moved which she was. Of course she played the victim and didn’t go quietly. We finally get to our destination and the scene changes and she’s chasing MOD (I swear I had no cheese last night) and suddenly it becomes a slasher movie and she attacks MOD?!?!?! It then turns into a scene from Greys Anatomy where MOD is saved in dramatic scenes while JM is hunted down and found back at the scene of the crime taking pictures!!! By which point I’m like ‘get me the f out of here’ and I end up at an apartment, unlock the door and lo and behold who has broken into my home - JM - and she’s pulling stuff apart to sell and inspecting my tinned goods. Thankfully I then woke up. Obviously m’lud it was all a dream.
That particular phrase stood straight out to me too, she knows exactly what she's referring to there and it's gross and bloody unnecessary. Fucking thoughtless woman.The phrasing in that article that is way too close to sexual abuse is fucking disgusting. She is SO triggering.
Wanting a forever home where she can paint the walls whatever colour she wants? LOOK WHAT YA DID TO THE SHED!! She took windows out and all sorts. Will ya ever fuuuuck off!!
I'm the same age as you and Jack and have a half GCSE in IT and, I think, history (they were called short courses, they only differed in that they covered half the syllabus of a full GCSE).Im the same age as Jack. I dont remember anything about 'half' GCSEs!?
Genius, just superb.A Frau (apologies for not remembering who) suggested a JM glossary. I undertook this Herculean task this evening, quickly realising that it is far beyond the means of one lone Frau. I now understand how Dr Johnson felt writing the dictionary. This attempt only scrapes the surface....
Bandwagon: for jumping on with emphatic abandon and the fire of 1000 suns. Abandon the
moment the social media likes start to drop off.
BUSY: JM’s usual status. For many of us, life is busy. The NHS is busy. Scientists trying to find a
Covid vaccine are busy. Working single parents are busy. Jack, though, is BUSY. See the
difference, mofos?
Body of work: usage - ‘read my whole’.
Buying followers: a mystical, sinister phrase which, when uttered by Tattlers, summons JM to the
thread like Candyman.
Cabal: a glorious, empathetic ray of sunshine.
Canal: an autocorrect of cabal which has been joyfully embraced. Think Venice, not industrial
shopping-trolley filled waterway.
Chaos: usage, ‘I did a chaos’. When you have been paid for a professional performance, fuck it
right up and revel in it.
Chippy chips : shorthand for a quest that is impossible and will never be fulfilled. Think trying to
find the Holy Grail, in space while riding a donkey and chewing on a unicorn.
Churn: verb, used for the effortless production of best-sellers.
Cotswold Company, The: a cheap-as-chips vegan sideboard specialist.
Corned beef: grate it. Grate it like a goddamn motherfucker.
Cough up a lung: an action JM threatened to perform when Daily Kitchen Live was renewed as a
result of the Cabal’s contribution to the viewing figures. Reader, it was not renewed. All lungs were
safe.
Dishoom: an independent Edinburgh restaurant known only to born and bred locals, patronised
by JM on her recent trip.
Edinburgh sleeper: budget travel for the income-uneasy.
Five figures: a paltry sum.
Five Guys: a small, independent Aberdeen Angus-themed burger bar in a tiny, medieval
backstreet of Edinburgh, still run by the same kilted family who founded it 900 years ago.
Forearms: Matt off Daily Kitchen live has a fine pair, often noted by keen-eyed fraus.
Frau: a member of the cabal. A JM follower referred to Tattlers as ‘sad hausfraus’. We have owned
it.
Government adviser: a badge of honour you’re entitled to when you sign a 38 Degrees petition.
Groucho: a central London food bank
Grunking/Grunka’ing/Grunka Lunkering: frau GrunkaLunka is a legend on the JM threads and
viewed as a Dr Who figure. They once undertook an epic, time-spinning journey through all the
JM threads while simultaneously sending reactions to posts into the future, where fraus were
reading the threads in real-time. It blew all our minds.
Hair loss: when you shave off your hair.
Holmes, Eamonn: the Anglicised name of an Easter Island statue brought on as an unimpressed
backdrop to JM’s lingreenie segment on This Morning.
Home - variously, Edinburgh, Southend, Belfast, the lemon groves of Cyprus (to be continued….)
Howling: a generic term to describe pain. If you pitch it any less dramatically you’re unlikely to get
TV work.
Hyperbole: standard writing style used for writing about your hardships and wild, motherfucking
successes.
I’m not going anywhere: a phrase used when you’re about to go somewhere, generally Edinburgh.
Letdown Larder - the fraus renaming of the chaotic ‘Leftover Larder’ Hellmann’s paid a fortune for.
Maverick: a descriptor used by JM to describe her brain and carefree, smarter-than-you, off-the-
wall and generally special approach to life.
Maverick, Tom Cruise gif: the fraus’ most popular gif, featuring a twinkly-eyed Tom smiling and
putting on a pair of shades. This is the equivalent of catnip to many fraus and can multiply the
amount of time it takes to read a thread by 20 each time it’s used. This makes GrunkaLunka’s feat
even more impressive.
Michael Fassbender: the ultimate lesbian test
Mince, fat content: unknown, a mystery.
NOW: as in ‘I only have one cat now’. A time phenomenon, not unrelated to GrunkaLunka’s
warping of time, in which JM can only count or confirm elements in her life right NOW. Yes, she
may have had 3 sideboards 5 minutes ago, but she has only 1 that she is sitting on NOW.
Origin story: JM is a super-hero to the poor and society generally. She doesn’t have a biography
or a CV, she has an origin story. For God’s sake, read it.
Ouchy: a term used to describe the worst pain known to a living being. You can’t even imagine it
because, no matter what you’ve been through, JM has been through FAR worse. I mean, have
you even attempted to have lip fillers?
Passive aggressive lemon: JM’s social media strategy.
Patreon: a benefit any middle-class Twitter activist is entitled to by law.
Political prisoner: an overseas personage imprisoned by a vile, despotic government who is
wholly dependent on JM’s DMs for their chance of liberty. Just think how different Nelson
Mandela’s life could have been if JM and her Twitter had been around.
Putin: famously funds the cabal. If you’re a regular contributor but you haven’t been getting
sweet, sweet Bitcoin email WellHelloVlad@russia.com to rectify.
Self-employed: the lowest social strata.
Shed: a much-trumpeted outbuilding that had its transformation trailed on social media with more
fanfare than a royal wedding. Quickly abandoned due to lack of interest.
Shins: an anatomical feature of the classic pervert. Should you see a bearer of ‘shins’, you must
kick them immediately. You’re far too hot not to.
Shitty bungalow - a lovely, light airy home with multiple bedrooms, a fuck-off bathroom, big
kitchen, room for 3 sideboards, an additional floor and a garden big enough to lose wysteria in.
Sideboard: a highly versatile piece of equipment. You can build your biceps by shifting a 93kg one
of these bad boys into your house, pop onto it for a reclining photoshoot in your pants before
gamely grating a courgette on its shimmering surface.
Silver Linings: the archivist of the thread. The Rector of Receipts. The Cataloguer of the Cabal.
Widely-admired.
Single parent: when you have, by your own admission, a wonderful, caring co-parent to share
childcare with but he isn’t in the room with you NOW, thus rendering you a single parent without
childcare.
Social media break: the 5 mins you take off Twitter while you’re lugging a 93kg sideboard into one
of your reception rooms.
Thankyou: a sticking together of two words that are conventionally used to express gratitude in
order to shut down a Twitter interaction.
Thankyou very Matt much Matt: a variation on the traditional ‘thankyou’, this is a way to close off
an unsuccessful stint on a live cooking show, removing all gratitude for your co-presenter.
Tongue - appliance for taking selfies. Remember to learn how to use a camera timer, though, so
you can get a picture of the ‘tongue’ in action.
Triangulate: JM claims to have a particular set of skills that would make Liam Neeson’s kneecaps
implode with envy and she is not afraid to use it to knock on the front doors of the trembling
cabal.
Vegan (90%): a particularly hardcore sector of veganism where eating cheap hot-dogs is allowed
for 90% of the time, as long as the other 10% comprises bottled lemon juice
yes, absolutely x: this is the term you can roll out when asked for a professional opinion on
anything. See also: Father Ted’s ‘That would be an ecumenical matter’.
View attachment 196216
Id never heard of half GCSEs! My school didnt do them, we only had double awards as an extra.I'm the same age as you and Jack and have a half GCSE in IT and, I think, history (they were called short courses, they only differed in that they covered half the syllabus of a full GCSE).
I don't bother to distinguish between them because... I'm an adult with a job and I don't imagine employers care about the exact content of my GCSEs. I also don't think it's cute to say I have 9.5, with the vague implication that I failed half of one rather than the less thrilling reality that it was compressed content!
I simply CBA to read it, its going to be the usual self indulgent virtue signalling, verbal slop. Grammar school teaches a wide vocabulary but if you want people to take note Jackie, keep it clear, concise and objective.So here it is. I honestly don’t know where to start.
You Don’t Batch Cook When You’re Suicidal | JACK MONROE
than oven chips. It disappeared from my site when it crashed late last year, but for posterity I have reposted it in its unedited entirety]cookingonabootstrap.com
Ive said so many times and I stand by it - I think SB is with his Dad more than her. She has shown she is manic and unstable, not a chance can she be the primary carer. (Just my opinion and speculation jackie)Well. Honestly. How is she looking after her child if she has to sleep today?
That glossary is brilliant.
Never has a truer paragraph been written.Finally GL’d my way to the present time. I have nothing useful to add really that hasn’t already been said already. Tonight’s Twitter diarrhoea has added nothing to the conversation on the National Food Strategy that she claims to have been part of. She only spoke of it to say, “Look what I did” then she’s rambled on for hours about herself, her very brief experience with poverty and started a Twitter pile-on as per usual. Any experiences of real poverty shared by others has been met with, “Oh I did that too but worse”. The gall to talk about poverty as if it is still her experience when she has spent thousands during lockdown on appliances, furniture, fannying about with her shed, plus her expensive trip to Scotland. She earned at least £10k to make 6 awful IG live videos where she made a fucking sandwich, while most of the nation are furloughed and/or facing redundancy. Yet she talks about poverty like she still lives it. She was poor for 6 months/2 years depending on which story you believe. I honestly don’t know how someone can be so unaware that what they are saying doesn’t match up to how they actually live day to day? No-one with money worries canhorsespunk £3k on a fridge.
I did half GCSEs in ICT and Welsh in the late 00s. But absolutely, school isn't for everyone but you can still carve your own niche if you get your head down and work from 16 onwards. Not to sound bootstrapy, I know it's not easy at all to work your way up without qualifications but it's frustrating that she's almost putting that a key part of her sob story, when despite her 4.5 GCSEs she was on 27K at 22 in the fire service - a brilliant accomplishment! It clearly didn't stop her getting that job...Id never heard of half GCSEs! My school didnt do them, we only had double awards as an extra.
Its weird to be hung up on GCSEs as an adult in their 30s. Like you say, employers wont care!
I'm so disappointed in Mr Heaton...
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