Jack Monroe #524 Not the only or most important voice and presence in this critical area of our life

[Ablemabel]

Sorry to quote myself like a sad hausfrau, but I just read through this again and I'm so cross. Cooking this according to instruction would not result in anything at all palatable and would possibly ruin two pans, because she's a stupid lazy dick who's either just made this up (and whatever this is on her website isn't hers) OR she missed a step writing it on her blog (maybe a tin of coconut milk??) and then copied it verbatim into her book and no one checked it. I would possibly be less angry if half the bleeping comments from dopes making it hadn't commented on the dryness!! The ones who said it was delicious are beyond hope. It's gastritis in a bowl.

Well done brave you! Christ that looked rank! She has no basic knowledge of cookery whatsoever as far as I can tell!

 

[FlirtyThirty]

Whilst perusing your slopalong (tyfatyd), I zeroed in on this line re: the whole garlic cloves just perching on top of the slop-non-slop.

"At least it looked a bit curry-ish at this point, though those garlic cloves were concerning me. Are we supposed to eat them like that? Hmm.
So I cooked it for another ten minutes, and this was the end result. Are you ready for your close up?"

And it's brought me back to something I was mithering about the other day with SarahCoxDhalGate from the KnockOffDishoomDhal "If using fresh garlic, the size doesn't matter so much here, as it has a long, slow cook to soften it; I like to leave mine fairly chunky, to find later on as sweet, hedonistic surprises."

So yes, you were supposed to eat them like that, to find later on as a sweet, hedonistic surprise, dear heart.

As opposed to an anti-vampire bullet tooth breaker I presume. They were totally raw.

 

[plentyofpepper]

Apologies for the extreme close up, but I’ve only just realized her “rhubarb and custard rice pudding” is literally just long grain rice served in custard slop . The stupid bleeping charlatan.
View attachment 2288416
View attachment 2288419

isn’t rhubarb supposed to be red??

When I was a kid, my neighbour grew lots of rhubarb in their garden and used to let us pick some, we took it home, washed it and dipped it in little bags (‘pokes’ in Scotland ) of sugar (thus removing any nutritional value…was I Jack?…) But I vividly remember it being a beautiful red colour; sure the shoots start off as green but they ripen to red!

 

[CrushedIcePlease]

"Charity Curry Night" with the charity part a complete afterthought. Doing good playing second fiddle to producing slop.

Charity is another word guest doesn’t understand.

In the dictionary of guest it is - “a word to describe an undisclosed amount of money donated from various vulnerable and/or gullible Twitter users to a personal PayPal for various lawsuits / training / campaigning (all reasons are interchangeable and don’t have to be actually carried out), which shall have no paper trail and can be used by the recipient to purchase sideboards, jewellery and a Tuesday night treat with limited repercussions”.

 

[TheMiceInTheShed]

isn’t rhubarb supposed to be red??

When I was a kid, my neighbour grew lots of rhubarb in their garden and used to let us pick some, we took it home, washed it and dipped it in little bags (‘pokes’ in Scotland ) of sugar (thus removing any nutritional value…was I Jack?…) But I vividly remember it being a beautiful red colour; sure the shoots start off as green but they ripen to red!

I used to pick hairy caterpillars off my Grannie's rhubarb plant, and keep them in a jam jar.

I can confirm that rhubarb stalks are a rich, arterial-blood, red.

 

[glubby]

Good heavens, i just listened to the video known in canal-lore as "Boulevard". I was trying to work out what song it was meant to be - the caption mentions Tom Waite.

Can anyone clarify just what she is singing?

She starts
"You got Suru - I'm having a wee!"

None of Tom's songs seem to start that way . . .

I can't even make a guess at the next couple of lines - anyone?

I think the song is meant to be “the heart of Saturday night” although I could be wrong, I can’t bear to listen to more than a few seconds of Jack’s version because I quite like Tom Waits and I don’t want her to ruin the song for me.

———

It won’t let me quote the original post for some reason, but Jack reusing that picture of SB tucking into a piece of German friendship cake as evidence of how cold and malnourished he was during the pretend poverty is absolutely horrible. And it’s got me thinking…does she lie to SB and pretend they really were destitute and starving when he was too young to remember? He’s old enough now that he’s probably read some of her articles out of curiosity. Do you think he believes the stories she tells about him, or does he know she’s making a lot of it up? I can’t decide which is worse tbh… your mum lying to your face about your own experiences, or being manipulated into going along with the lie from an early age because “mamapapa has to make up stories so that the nasty politicians will want to help the poor people”. Either way it’s really sickening and I feel so sad for him being dragged into all this with no choice in the matter.

 

[Redwool]

I'd love to have seen that deleted tweet from the smol one

Thanks to @VeniVidiVicki you can:

---
It was part of this exchange:

 

[Captainmouse]

hey, thumberlina Peapod, I just had a ride in a very large fire engine

 

[moldwarp]

I love all sorts of curries. I would be so disappointed if I went to one of her curry nights and was faced with fishy raisin custard and a big bowl of chickpeas, tomatoes and warm crunchy onions.

It's very much a 1970s understanding of Indian cuisine isn't it. Jack's approach to curries hails back to the time when a curry house seemed an exotic rarity and a Vesta curry was an unusual treat. So little England.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely abhor food snobbery because no one region 'owns' anything. Also, I like a chicken tikka masala and chips as much as the next person. I'm just drawing attention to Jack's complete lack of interest in actually learning about more authentic ways of cooking certain dishes. And the brass balled hypocrisy of her drawing attention to That Man's jollof rice when she had the gall to pass off this creamy white bland monstrosity as a curry.

 

[Copacapybara]

As chance would have it, I had The Pauper's Cookbook, too (Jocasta Innes IIRC). It disintegrated from use - and yes, you are right, it was "gruel-y", but stuff was edible. I replaced it but it was a New Improved Revised Edition or something, and I didn't like it (plus I was a bit less pov by then) so I gave it to the charity shop.

Unfortunately all "very cheap meal" cook books tend to be a bit Spartan, relying heavily as they do on cabbage, potatoes and porridge, but at least the Pauper's stuff didn't look like cat vomit with a sprig of parsley on it.

My other stalwart was (I think) called Feed your Family for £5/week (Bernadine Lawrence) - again a bit bland, but this time leaning on lentils - and edible.

I can afford corned beef now !

On a serious, note - no-one has to rely on guest. There are other budget cookbooks out there - cheaper to buy than hers and the food may be (as you say) "Bastille jail tower", but at least no-one looks at it, and looks at the cat litter tray, and wonders which will be worse. . . .

And as you say - they are fun to read. A much better writing style (not that she sets a high bar . . .)

Absolutely, part of her downfall is trying to make things ‘exciting’ with too few viable resources, and then something which could have been perfectly okay and reliable ends up inedible.

I know from experience that cheap vaguely nutritious food can occasionally be pretty boring but rather that than kippers in apple juice, or chilli porridge, or any other startling new combo.

Part of her popularity stems from Guardian types enjoying a car crash voyeurism with the poor povvoes eating their funny little meals, and the associated feels. It’s a sort of spectator sport of novelty.

 

[griftalo]

Good lord. No YOU DON’T.
She can’t even make sense. She might substitute aubergine for lamb, maybe.

 

[glubby]

That skeleton tattoo she has is so typical of a “oooh I’m so edgy and unique me” type of person. It has everything…a naked lady on a bird???? How shocking! I bet you wear trazzers as well! and a skeleton, ooomg you’re so disturbed and damaged to be thinking about death all the time wow!! And they’re shagging, whoooh so kinky and sexy!

I’d normally expect to see that tattoo on someone who thinks she’s very very interesting cos she wears corsets and pentagram jewellery, probably has a list of ‘favourite’ serial killers and once went to a burlesque show with her husband for his birthday and on a special occasion gets out the fluffy pink handcuffs and blindfold from ann summers.

which makes it even funnier to see it on Jack who, despite her best efforts and constantly trying on different looks and covering herself with tattoos, always manages to look like Jackie the very sheltered mousy girl from your school who was obsessed with horses.

 

[ForgettyBetty]

I don’t think she knows what a teaspoon is tbh. There’s no way that had even two teaspoons of turmeric in. I bet she uses a teeny tiny spoon she stirs tea with - hence tea spoon.

Do you remember the long teeny spoons that maccies used to give out with coffees before they changed to flat stirrers for meteorological reasons .... she prob hoarded those

 

[nothanksbabes]

Thanks to @VeniVidiVicki you can:
View attachment 2289047
---
It was part of this exchange:
View attachment 2289049

Imagine being this thick, this loudly.

 

[Seaford Haggington]

Imagine being this thick, this loudly.

She imagines herself a "supermarket expert". Piteous.

 

[Griftymcgriftface]

View attachment 2289092
Good lord. No YOU DON’T.
She can’t even make sense. She might substitute aubergine for lamb, maybe.

Cinamonn roast potatoes is a new one!

 

[TrolleyParton]

Do you remember the long teeny spoons that maccies used to give out with coffees before they changed to flat stirrers for meteorological reasons .... she prob hoarded those

I was just about to make a funny comment about McD's stirrers and Jackie's alleged hobbies, but then I re-read your comment and realised you were actually saying the same thing, in a roundabout kind of way.

 

[FlirtyThirty]

Seeing as she's still being BORING off toot tooting in her best life or wevs I've made a little slop compilation with nutritional breakdowns. Trigger warning I'll be talking calories and it's long so spoilered.

Spoiler: Slop breakdowns

Pasta All Genovese

320 calories is not an adults dinner portion.

Mushroom and Spinach Bolognese

If you were one of two 'seriously' hungry adults this would be a magnificent 573 calories, for just over a quarter of your daily requirements. Right.

Mushroom, lentil & ale pie

Extra word salad for you here.

If you gave me a plate full of this and it's only 450 cal, I think I'd need to eat half of the rest too. Only I wouldn't because Jack slop. Poor imaginary Phil the heavy lifter.

Her puddings are tit too

Berry Bread Pudding

So many woes is mes in this one...

How can 141 cals be stodgy and comforting? This is just berries and wet bread.

 

[Florid Language]

That skeleton tattoo she has is so typical of a “oooh I’m so edgy and unique me” type of person. It has everything…a naked lady on a bird???? How shocking! I bet you wear trazzers as well! and a skeleton, ooomg you’re so disturbed and damaged to be thinking about death all the time wow!! And they’re shagging, whoooh so kinky and sexy!

I’d normally expect to see that tattoo on someone who thinks she’s very very interesting cos she wears corsets and pentagram jewellery, probably has a list of ‘favourite’ serial killers and once went to a burlesque show with her husband for his birthday and on a special occasion gets out the fluffy pink handcuffs and blindfold from ann summers.

which makes it even funnier to see it on Jack who, despite her best efforts and constantly trying on different looks and covering herself with tattoos, always manages to look like Jackie the very sheltered mousy girl from your school who was obsessed with horses.

If she was a Derry Girl she'd want to be Michelle but is more like Jenny Joyce.

 

[FlirtyThirty]

Omg bahaha how did I miss this! A curious slop indeed!