Jack Monroe #343 A heavy dose of chickpea and loathing
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I've found why Jack ended up moving out. A chat with dad that did not end well for our titular character.
She's obsessed with pinging things. It doesn't mean what she thinks it does. Another word to add to the Jacktionary?
I mean this might be a tad paranoid but I reckon she’s posted it cos she’s hoping a member of the canal will be daft enough to call it. And then she can triangulate them using her Mossad-level triangulation skills which will allegedly lead her all the way up to the front door.
seriously, though - she just wants another stalking storyline. Hasn’t been one of those for a while. Or it’s all about Harold, as other Fraus have speculated
That's going to be so acidic it would remove paint.
Oh my god I forgot about #thunderclap and I have just cringed myself inside out all over again
This must be the only recipe I've ever read that states that it could very well make you tit yourself. Missed the bus to work cos you were too busy fannying about making smoothies? Hope you brought a change of clothes.
I just can't understand why they're seemingly still letting her churn out books after what is now 4 crappy tomes for her current publisher (plus 2 for the one she's bitched about previously)... I don't get why the new lot took her on at all, never mind seemingly gave her a numerous book contract but surely there's a point where it must be costing them more to publish this utter dross than it would be just to say "Ok never mind Jack, keep the money you've had."
Or teeth.
I can honestly say I wouldn't talk to her on the phone even if she handed me a phone with it already ringing her. Nope, not a chance. Of she didn't bore me tears, she would drive me round the bend with her endless shiite talk!
My favourite thing about today's Twitter chaos is that Jack could have said something sensible like "I think it's a good idea to let kids play parliament because we need to encourage the youth to take an interest in politics" but instead she went down some batshit route that led to her arguing online about whether or not children are people.
Never change, Jack.
Never change, Jack.
She’s so patronising with her ‘carefully pour it in’, like the average poor is going to rip the lid off and chuck the bleeping can at the blender like a grenade.
Can't stop laughing. Send help-os for ouchy ribs.
It's written in exactly the same style as the instructions she left for Louisa, so at least we know it's not ghost-written.
Can you imagine what a demoralising career low-point it would be to end up as a ghost writer for Jack Monroe.
Jack's Self-Loathing Soup For One
Step one: Open tin of soup
Step two: Get a pan (a metal object with a handle, like in the picture) and place it on the stove. [there isn't a picture]
Step three: Carefully pour the soup in pan
Step four: Turn oven on. Stir soup.
JACK'S TIPS: Has your food been burning and sticking to the pan? FEAR NOT!!! Solve this problem by procuring a spoon and whizzing it through the mixture. I myself have over 300 spoons in my kitchen. No I won't remove the tip section, it's perfect as it is, do you want me to stop breathing?
Step five: Sling in the cream of prunes, egg mayonnaise, chutney, marzipan, plenty of black pepper and any sad elderly vegetables clinging to life in the fridge!!!
Step six: Blend into submission
Step seven: One and done! Put the soup in a bowl. Looks awful but as God is my witness, you'll never have constipation again.
Step one: Open tin of soup
Step two: Get a pan (a metal object with a handle, like in the picture) and place it on the stove. [there isn't a picture]
Step three: Carefully pour the soup in pan
Step four: Turn oven on. Stir soup.
JACK'S TIPS: Has your food been burning and sticking to the pan? FEAR NOT!!! Solve this problem by procuring a spoon and whizzing it through the mixture. I myself have over 300 spoons in my kitchen. No I won't remove the tip section, it's perfect as it is, do you want me to stop breathing?
Step five: Sling in the cream of prunes, egg mayonnaise, chutney, marzipan, plenty of black pepper and any sad elderly vegetables clinging to life in the fridge!!!
Step six: Blend into submission
Step seven: One and done! Put the soup in a bowl. Looks awful but as God is my witness, you'll never have constipation again.
H A S H T A G F O U N D E R
You know, the most useless item in the entire crappy bungalow has to be the squatty potty. There is no way in hell Jack needs any help in that department. She must spend more time on the shitter than she does in the hammock!
Ugghh. Why is everything she writes so irritatingly twee? ''Very very happy tummy'' you're not a children's TV presenter, Jack.
*Might need to step away from this thread. It's got to the point where everything she does is annoying.
SPOILER="Ping"] No sensible person has ping enabled anymore, you are then open to a DoS (denial of service) type attack. It's been a good while, maybe 10 years or more, since the industry standard is not to have ping enabled. Although being out of date is Jack's flex.[/SPOILER]
The arguing on Twitter is so bad it's hilarious. Why waste the precious work hours now it is school holidays? Of course, that's a rhetorical question. But the "recipes" are killing me, send oxygenos if anyone posts anymore!
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