Jack Monroe #335 Boob, I guess

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Elastoblast

Elastoblast

There could be a whole series of reworked Christie titles.
Dumb Witness is begging a rewrite featuring Content as the "dumb Witness"
A witness for the prosecution featuring any nearly Mrs Jack's
 
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S

Sketchy

Winthropp Tuesday said:
"Hello, HMRC? I, Jack Monroe here. Yes, about my accounts - they linger like a septic wound, atrociously oozing with florid prose. You don't cook up your batch tax when you're suicidal. The memories of the brown envelopes piling up like vast swathes of autumn leaves, that have been kicked over Content's Turds are enough to leave me quivering, shaking and rocking all over (the world) behind the door, whilst the postman lifts the letterbox and sniffs the air like a Charlie addicted Bisto kid.

"Cor" he said "I ain't never smelled anyfink so loverlee in my life". "Thankyou" I stammered from my frinkling crouched position on the floor. "It's my new recipe (coming soon) from my new (coming soon) poverty book 'Jack Monroe's Thrifty Book Of Hair Burning Tips' "Put me dahhhhn for 25 copies, for Christmas pressies for all my friends and family" he said. Stutteringly, I faltered "Ping me your email deets and I'll get over to the post office sometime in 2028 to send them".

Anyway, yes, my accounts. When I wrote my first cookbook on my Nokia phone I never imagined I'd have to unscrew all my lightbulbs to do it first. The image of the cold, hard furious fridge as I unplugged it will stay with me forever... That's why I have three of them now, so I can recreate the trauma anytime I walk into my hall to take a facetuned selfie of my Pringle induced lip plumpers gorgeous, yet careworn povvo face for clicks and dopamine. Yes, so the accounts...

The dog ate them. God forbid I should have nice things. You just all want me to stop breathing don't you? Well I haven't yet and I won't rest until I own my own Orangery damn you Marjory....

Hello...Hello...?"
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I. CAN'T. BREATHE. 😂😂😂😂 This is a masterpiece! 👏
 
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Elastoblast

Elastoblast

Such a vast array of styles for the likkle tiggly pixie to chose from in the crime genre
 
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People-huv-tae-know

People-huv-tae-know

Cookiecookie said:
The villain would obviously have to only ever be a Tory or Jamie Oliver. With the protagonist being a smol lil pixie (and dog)
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That sounds like Tintin actually. That would would be an accurate name for Jack. She even has the wee (for now) dog.

Tintin in the crappy Bungalow
Tintin and the Harold Affair
Tintin and the Blue Tick
Tintin and the Black Dylon


Pls don't haunt me Hergé
 
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Django

Django

The Untalented Mx Monroe
duck it, we are on a roll with this but there's no need to change Big Little Lies.
 
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Elastoblast

Elastoblast

If she wants to branch into screen writing then there's The Grifters, Catch me if you can be bothered, The Sting (reworked as The Stink), Southend Hustle. Silver Background Paper playbook
 
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Ostapbender

Ostapbender

Smeghead said:
Mack Jonroe, the Pixie Detective series.
1. Case of the missing charity money
2. The mystery of the missing arch lever files
Canal, feel free to pitch your ideas for the much-anticipated collection
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Mack Jonroe in The Big Sleep
The Girl with the Inspirational Tattoo
Gone Money
 
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colouredlines

colouredlines

Agatha Christie was also keen on train drama. Not sure I'll be paying for Jack's versions though...The Mystery of the Lost Tile? The Secret of the Meaty Backpack?
 
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