Jack Monroe #334 Wafting around Asda like a Smartprice Ghost

[Boyo]

I'm with you @colouredlines it will fizzle. Hastened by some 'no smoke without fire' rumours that she's not all she seems to be.

She's not keeping up with the latest trends when it comes to sharing money saving tips. If she can't manage YouTube (which is even a bit old hat these days) then she has no hope.

She will limp along with some Twitter nonsense. But given what we know about her awful way with money I don't see a forever home on the horizon, unless she massively ups the grift/ante.

Agree and the thing is, because she’s not well known and won’t get that massive exposé, and lots of the patreons are likely to be well-off MCs who don’t even remember they’ve signed up and don’t miss the money, she’ll keep getting a wad every month for a long time to come, for doing nowt. It may not get her a forever home but it’s a sweet deal for her.

 

[Alice in Blunderland]

A locked room with a slowly decaying bouquet of flowers is a bit gothic horror/Edgar Allen Poe tales. Hopefully not The Tell Tale Heart. Careful, Old Harold! Don’t go round there tomorrow!

It’s Bluebeard’s castle #2, one day she’ll leave the next OH in the house, and their curiosity will get the better of them……

 

[DinosaurSenior]

This aired in November 2020....so Jackie was basically pitching a show that already existed. Nob end.

 

[Alice in Blunderland]

It’s Bluebeard’s castle #2, one day she’ll leave the next OH in the house, and their curiosity will get the better of them……

ETA - @Jelly Bean got there first

 

[StatusWoe]

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This aired in November 2020....so Jackie was basically pitching a show that already existed. Nob end.

Look, that man's stolen her pineapple.

 

[CrackingOwlSanctuary]

I wonder what Jack pitching a show actually entails. I like to imagine a cigar chomping mogul saying "what ya got for me, kid?" as Jack pulls the ol' shitting dog routine in his office but it's probably just increasingly unhinged voicemails she's left for LJC.

I have a very limited experience of pitching as an amateur screenwriter (and the process will be different to pitching a cookery show as it is for original tv shows/film) but from what we have seen of her on camera supposedly doing what she is good at, it doesnt surprise me none of her supposed pitches get anywhere.

 

[Cucumberthunder]

I have a very limited experience of pitching as an amateur screenwriter (and the process will be different to pitching a cookery show as it is for original tv shows/film) but from what we have seen of her on camera supposedly doing what she is good at, it doesnt surprise me none of her supposed pitches get anywhere.

Given how she describes the smallest of TV slots as the high of her dreams I imagine the exaggeration continues here as well...she says pitching, she means a line in an email or writing it in one of her fancy notebooks.

It is amazing how many ideas she has supposedly pitched over the years

 

[veronica71]

A few times now I've thought, 'This is it! Finally, she'll be exposed as the lying, shitebag that she is..'
It never happens and I've given up waiting for it.
I stick around because of you funny fuckers but I struggle to comment because I'm just saying the same things over and over.

it’s ok Jack does the same


the lilies have pissed me off - cats get everywhere. Yes the room is locked but he could get in their when she is just get rid of the damn lillies

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Jack's awake

"I don't understand it, we were so happy!"

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I don't understand why Jack would need to lock a door to keep a cat out, when closing the door would suffice - unless Coops has those velociraptor claws like the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park

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The lack of self-awareness amazes me. OH has not gone from delirious joy to dumping her in a heartbeat, she’s just too self-centred to see they weren’t happy. And I get the vibe that it’s more important to her to have a “deliciously ordinary” OH who’s unhappy than for her to be dumped and single

 

[WTFDidIJustSee]

On the biggest grunk I’ve ever done because I chose last week to move house and now I have massive regrets because SUPER CHAOSES have occurred #SendProfessionalHouseMoveros

 

[Lazarus]

If I bought myself flowers I wouldn’t keep them in a locked room.

Too early I suppose but I would love this as a thread title. If nothing else, just to remind ourselves of the ridiculous and pointless lies Jack tells.

 

[moldwarp]

The lack of self-awareness amazes me. OH has not gone from delirious joy to dumping her in a heartbeat, she’s just too self-centred to see they weren’t happy. And I get the vibe that it’s more important to her to have a “deliciously ordinary” OH who’s unhappy than for her to be dumped and single

Oh I think deep down she knows full well why OH SPLIT but the narc in her won’t acknowledge it as it’s potentially too painful, easier to blame him and sympathy fish on twitter

 

[Whaa?]

The comments in the last few pages underline for me the reason why she goes on and on. Unless you are aware of her grift there is no reason to question her statements. You would have to be paying a fair amount of attention to her tweets over time to wonder. The claim that she keeps her flowers in a locked room is ridiculous, but there is no way to know that it is a lie. The same as asking her Tinder contacts if she can post their replies. And of course, why would someone lie about these things?

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Other things she could be keeping in the locked room:

• Old Harold
• Wigs – one for each of the Jacks.
• Actual Chard (not Imposter Chard).
• Brambly Mice and/or full Beatrix Potter village of uncanny, clothed animals.
• Boo Radley
• Katie Hopkins trial ephemera. This would be JM’s equivalent of collecting serial killer memorabilia.
• Legal disclaimer: Katie Hopkins is not a serial killer and I am not suggesting any such thing. If lawyers are reading this and they wish to do some mithering, could you please have a piss and a sandwich instead? Thank you. #bekind

It also occurred to me that the locked room might be harbouring Owen Jones Who Is Not a Murderer's evil twin brother, Owen Jones Who Is Probably a Murderer. Think about it: why else would The Grauniad continue to give Jack column space? It's because she's hiding OJ-Not-a-Murderer's secret twin, OJ-Probably-a-Murderer, in her bungalow. Another question: if the fox hasn't been eating the not-chard, who has been eating the not-chard? Yup, it's OJ-Probs a Murderer. The pumble is fond of him. They play card games while Jack is fetching the nightmeat and flowers. This is my conspiracy theory & I will accept no others.

BiB - that’s good, at least she’ll have some live music to listen to




Oh wait…

 

[Boogs]

Oh I think deep down she knows full well why OH SPLIT but the narc in her won’t acknowledge it as it’s potentially too painful, easier to blame him and sympathy fish on twitter

I agree but I also think at the time it probably came as a shock as if she is happy then it’s all great. As long as her needs are being met then I don’t think she gives a duck about how Harold was feeling.

 

[Falkor]

I know I've fuelled things by posting questioning squigs, but I also fully believe that the grift isn't going to end any time soon and it'll take something seismic for people to call her out completely

I've not posted it in a while, so for new fraus and anyone who's ended up here from twitter, here's jack's to do list, updated to include soup for bed

Spoiler: jack's coming soons

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£15 a week lunches
£20 shops as a whole
3 recipes per week in 2022
9 half-written manuscripts
35 recipes from a £20 shop, pick your fave
2000 words for print glossy GQ awards
a few announcements
adding to twitter thread of plants as they bloom
advent calendar
aged chicken thigh bone stock
alcohol free versions of recipes
another walk in a restricted mod area
apple and pear crumble with brown sugar
austerity book
base system going in next book
BBC show guest on dr rupy's iplayer show
best value vegetables for squig
big press photo shoots
big work
black bean brownies recipe
black bean recipes from poll
black pudding pastitsio
BLM video monetization donation
blog post excited about for ages
bollocking rishi sunak
book on culinary history
book signing in Belfast
books for slow cooker appeal

books for the rural coffee caravan confirmed never arrived 17.2.22 by rcc twitter

Brand New System for desk - wallpaper
bright blue think tank updates
brioche balls
brioche, mincemeat and camembert wreath
broccoli, creamy cannellini beans and fish
Camp Kitchen from the shed
cannelini bacon and pork belly pie
carrot cake baked oats
chestnut fudge thing
chicken livers
chicken nuggets with black pudding crumb
chocolate and prune oats
Christmas condiment
Christmas leftovers caesar salad - nov 2022
cinnamon granola recipe
coconut oil etc mouthwash quantities
coffee scrub
column for the Breakdown
comic filter security
comparison of 2021 £20 shop to 2022 £20 shop
compiling list of independent food banks
Conditions of Bungalow Bubbling lessons
cooking for one book
crispy fish recipe
curating regular book recommendations
David Walliams book reviews
dauphinoise pie
dealing with paying taxes
deep pinky purple mascarpone ice cream
denim shirt embroidery commissions
depressipes
detailed blog on nutrition
devilled eggs recipe - completed it, mate
dig out microwave and kettle recipes
DM to Yel
drawing nigella's garden
dyeing all clothes black
easy care for cutlery
email household management book to agent
ethical on a budget
explain daily usage of pythagoras theorem
festive pop tarts
festive vegan loaf peeling pie
filing accounts
flannel blog
flapjack recipe
food truck of joy
gailymail
goat kleftiko
gold rush xmas presents
great resources by trans + non binary writers
greek cook book
half-written budget xmas recipes
handing over her platform to poc
healthy on a bootstrap
helping disability and mental health writers
history of York road market
homemade hand sanitiser
homemade cleaning items
huge depop or Ebay sale
hummus price increase reason
hybrid cassoulet
ideas for pumpkin flesh
inbox zero by bedtime every day
jackfruit version of something
James Bond conspiracy theory
jubilee trifle recipes
kidney bean, black bean and coconut soup
Klingon gagh recipe
knit blanket
kolokythokeftedes recipe
kombucha whisky
leftover cranberry sauce recipe
lever arch files of fan mail
life hacks book
line by line spring budget takedown
links to small businesses
list of slow cooker recipes
lockdown larder 2.0 resumption threatened
lockdown list of services
make turnips not taste like turnips
maple syrup story
mashed potato secret
meal planners on website
militant boiled eggs
mince pie doughnuts
mincemeat recipe
mole
monopoly for charity with martin lewis
more cabbage
moving house
mushroom drying completed 2018
mushroom butter
New Thing
newspaper campaign the bleeping express
no- and low-fuel cooking
no waste cook book (on twitter for world earth day)
nutrition degree
onion chopping song
open the space squig box
Other Plans for cabbage
ouchy mouth recipes
painstakingly coated menu for week under £20
pastry recipe
patreon update
peasants pudding rec
picture of tree postcards
pistachio milk
pointing out real plants
pork and lentil bolognese
postcards, postcards, postcards
poverty memoir
puttanesca soup
quick pickling
radish recipes
recipe roundup on Instagram
recipes for small people
red ephemera soup recipe
redoing dinner to get better light
report for work and pensions committee
repotting spider plants from a friend
reshooting beach pottery in daylight
rooting out Amazon from website

running around in heels with a Tall Man GQ awards 2020. no evidence of running or dancing, but Marcus is tall. she didn't even personally hand him the award.

running order for xmas dinner
salt and vinegar sardines and spaghetti
sardine tin print
sausage and kale slop
Secret Ingredient - possibly banana skin
secret stock ingredient potato water
selling books on website again
send squig mandarin carrot recipe
sending maple syrup tin to fan
serious work
serving libel papers to fox/daubney/anderson
setting her teenage musings to music
sexy kitchen makeover reason
shopping trolley viewed Sept 2021, unclear if gift
sideboard photos reason
sleep hygiene routine
slow cooker bubble bath
slow cooker recipes, maybe for depher
slow cooker xmas dinner - before xmas 2021
some kind of timetable for SB in lockdown
something about how money buys time
something else Jack'll remember sometime
soup for bed recipe
split peas and cooking bacon
squigs pick eyeshadow looks
super secret shopping trip hack
supper nanny
support cabal for bullied media types
swamp thing
sweet and sour soup
sweet potato caramel
t shirts with offensive slogan actually done within 3 hours 1.2.22
t shirt profits to trussell trust updates
teemill profits
thrifty shades of beige
Thursday thunder clap
tiktok
tin juice cordial recipe
tomato soup water content - done
train video for squig
transcribing and blogging non binary talk
transcribing government bollocking
translation of a Greek Cypriot cookbook
unorthodox cheese sauce - done
unorthodox courgette squishing
Up To Something
uses for juice from del monte tins
various cornflakes chicken recipes
vegan char sui buns
vegan cheese list

vegan crackling deep-fried rice paper apparently, admitted April 2022. this was among the original items on this list, first posited in late 2019, preceding these threads

vegan diabetic creme egg (maybe)
vegan haggis
vegan pastitsio in collab with Linda
vegan paella with artichokes
vegan pie glaze
vegan version of upside down pineapple chicken
Vimes Boots Price Index - due mid February 2022
visit Poland
weekly routine
write about diva pdf experience
write about sobriety
writing a thing about tories and 30p meals
zero waste curry falafels

SPOILER]

I think we can tick off 'painstakingly costed menu for week under £20' can't we? I seem to remember her doing that reasonably recently.

 

[Whaa?]

Jack repeatedly tweeting that OH leaving came out of the blue, why did he do it, he gave no good reason etc., suggests to me that she is leaving the door open for him to come back. She would post some over the top make up story and on they would go. Poor man.

 

[Lazarus]

I imagine Jack’s locked dining room/studio to be a tribute to herself.
but in a creepy way like Jed Maxwell’s room for Alan Partridge

 

[Nottonightbabe]

More late night tweets.

My advice Jack, is to stop looking at the past through rise-tinted glasses and to concentrate on doing the things on Kach’s list before starting other (tit) projects.

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ETA-some of these squigs may be the same but I really can’t do this at all and it is much more fun selecting colours from that palette thing.

Yes Jack, Letdown Larder was a lot of fun for the 5 minutes you remembered to do it. Plank.

 

[Boogs]

Jack repeatedly tweeting that OH leaving came out of the blue, why did he do it, he gave no good reason etc., suggests to me that she is leaving the door open for him to come back. She would post some over the top make up story and on they would go. Poor man.

She will either be in full on lovebomb or guilt mode when she sees him. I just hope that he sticks to his guns and doesn’t get sucked in. Maybe one of his friends/family could point out the squigs who got abused because of pointing out that they weren’t receiving what they signed up for and how Jack completely ignored it all #bekind