Jack Monroe #332 A doctor, a teacher and a ceramicist walk into a bar

[kachoochoo]

I love it when I do a post that mainly attracts wow reactions!

i envisage you all jaw dropped and pearl clutching like helen lovejoy

 

[Orphan_Black]

The thing about the Great Dane...

We know for a fact that Jack did not have a dog in 2012. It was never mentioned on her blog. She lived in a flat that would have been completely unsuitable for a large dog. Then she moved and acquired two kittens, and never said anything about a canine.

So we have two options:

a) Jack had the dog as her own pet and it died before 2012...when she was late teens/early 20s, working 3 jobs with mad shift patterns, constantly moving to flee a stalker, getting pregnant, picking up fiancée 1, etc etc. Seems unlikely.

b) It was a family pet that lived with Jack's parents.

This seems far more likely. But we should also remember that Great Danes, like most giant breeds, have a very short life expectancy, just 8 - 10 years. We also know that Jack left home at 16. Assuming the dog lived an average lifespan, Jack would have spent hardly any time with it before moving out.

So either the first version of events is true and she is the worst dog owner ever, as she took on a dog at a time when she was not even remotely settled; or the second is true, and she can't pretend that she's some genius experienced dog owner.

Also Jack's parents are foster carers, I'm imagining there's rules about pets being around incoming kids.

But then we all know Jack's family were poor and her parents couldn't afford dinner for themselves. The great Dane ate it all up.

 

[Ostapbender]

I just watched the puppy video with the sound on. Either there's a storm in Southend or there was a bean-related incident at the end Send Gavisconos

 

[Notmycat]

Can anyone narrow down what time Jack was on Lorraine this morning so I can forward to it? Thankyou

Its okay, its at 28 minutes for anyone else looking

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

I thought I couldn’t hate the boots any more but then I saw the state of them in that video. The lining. It looked like worn-out Uggs that need to go in the bin

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I love it when I do a post that mainly attracts wow reactions!

i envisage you all jaw dropped and pearl clutching like helen lovejoy

I love the wow reaction, in my head it’s the “oooohh” reaction!



On topic, to the tune of “the rain in Spain”

Lorraines and Danes
and chaoses on trains

 

[Griftymcgriftface]

Can anyone narrow down what time Jack was on Lorraine this morning so I can forward to it? Thankyou

9.35

Too short!

edit: sorry that was the time, it’s 35 mins in

 

[Missmopps]

Will we ever see yhe pig skin hat again? Or any of the multitude she said she had acquired, but we never saw. She never had that dreadful pig skin one off.

I reckon it will be shredded and turned into 90% non vegan crackling in the next book. All pig skin is interchangeable after all?

 

[NellieBoo]

Has Jackamel acknowledged Gay Pride Month at all? She's got a few minutes left.

 

[Terrible]

7 June

30 June

hmmmm. Slightly different arrangement. I’m not buying it though.

 

[Griftymcgriftface]

Has Jackamel acknowledged Gay Pride Month at all? She's got a few minutes left.

If anything like last year she will post rainbow falafel tomorrow!

 

[EllaEm87]

Also Jack's parents are foster carers, I'm imagining there's rules about pets being around incoming kids.

But then we all know Jack's family were poor and her parents couldn't afford dinner for themselves. The great Dane ate it all up.

Also doesn’t her mum have RA? So how could she walk this massive dog while big Dave was at work? It’s gotta be something Jack adjacent, like a housemates mate had a Great Dane that came over occasionally. And Jack being Jack, she’s centred herself in someone else’s life.

 

[Lurkeryaar]

Just watched Lorraine...wonder how much she got paid for that shite! Oh wait, she does so much for free, bless her heart.

 

[Ostapbender]

Also doesn’t her mum have RA? So how could she walk this massive dog while big Dave was at work? It’s gotta be something Jack adjacent, like a housemates mate had a Great Dane that came over occasionally. And Jack being Jack, she’s centred herself in someone else’s life.

I think it was a regular sized dog called Dane #misleading
Or Dane was such a small dog that he couldn't be photographed or something

 

[colouredlines]

Also doesn’t her mum have RA? So how could she walk this massive dog while big Dave was at work? It’s gotta be something Jack adjacent, like a housemates mate had a Great Dane that came over occasionally. And Jack being Jack, she’s centred herself in someone else’s life.

Having thought far too much about this, I guess another option would be that Jack got a dog, promptly rehomed it to a friend, and spent the rest of its life referring to it as hers, visiting occasionally, etc etc.

 

[kachoochoo]

anyway, I say I say I say I say I say:

a doctor, a teacher and a ceramicist walk into a bar

doctor: I can't stay long, I've got to solve rheumatoid arthritis in the morning

teacher: I can't stay long either, I've got to correct another essay about being poor

ceramicist: I just need to stay out late enough that I don't need cake

needs work

 

[Phillipa78]

Maybe Dane ate all the food and that's why she's 5'2" adjacent?!

Ohhhh, her response to the shoe-chew video made my blood boil. Although I'm pleased to see my prophecy about the fate of the Katie Hopkins sofa is on track.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

Are we sure her Dane wasn't Dane Bowers?

 

[Veronicaaa]

View attachment 1381410

Could somebody show me exactly where that tweet says 'Disposable'?

Or is she hallucinating a word?

It's so funny that she looks at these figures and immediately thinks they're talking about people's disposable income.

 

[Pocahontas]

A doctor, a teacher and a ceramicist walked into bar.

Upon ordering their drinks, they encountered a smol pixie who went by the name of Jack. The pixie was alone and visibly upset.

‘What’s wrong?’ they all asked her.
‘I’m lazy, need my lifestyle to be bankrolled and I hide the truth, but I also really want to be looked after!’ sobbed the smol pixie.

‘I can try to cure you, but I’m just a student doctor, therefore I have no money, I work long shifts and will have no time to pay you any attention,’ said the doctor.

‘duck off,’ said the smol pixie.

The teacher stepped up. ‘I can help you to spell and punctuate correctly, but I live on a modest salary and will also care more deeply about my job and the cuts in government funding for my pupils than I will about your driveway vegetable troughs.’

‘Jog on, pal,’ said the smol pixie.

Then, it was the ceramicist’s turn to cheer up Jack. ‘I know how to make any item of crockery your greedy heart desires. I’m also the child of wealthy parents who fund my bohemian creative lifestyle and stand to inherit a fortune when they die,’ said the ceramicist.

‘Whoo-eee! It’s your lucky day. I’m going to be your wee pocket rocket!’ cried the pixie. She took the ceramicist’s number with which to exchange 2,000 messages and skipped home to play the spoons.

Unfortunately, he ghosted her.