Oh Ishmael, you said it
Jack Monroe #317 Poverty Contrepreneur
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I was locked on a train- TWICE.
Aliens stole my tax returns
Urgh. I loathe all that kind of speech around young men in particular. My son said not so long ago 'Everyone hates us'. And it's true. I tried to explain it from a female point of view. But it's true. Everyone hates young males.
I have been so locked on a train I
threw up all over myself.
I’ve walked past so many kebab shops without incident. I’ve got on so many trains without incident. Even where ther has been an incident it hasn’t been anything like the “I could die/everyone clapped” levels of these clown shoes. At some point, you just think “fucks sake Monroe, just do a thing without any hoo har”
My Aunt Helen is DUST
A HORSE spunked over my lasagne. But it thickened in the oven.
Literally wheezing at these magazine headlines. This is why I love Tattle and all of you.
“I went on Lorraine - with FILTHY fingernails”
“I slept through 12 alarms - on FOUR devices”
“I went on Lorraine - with FILTHY fingernails”
“I slept through 12 alarms - on FOUR devices”
I slept through TWELVE alarm clocks.
My cat was beaten up by MICE.
I'm turning into Kilroy
My cat was beaten up by MICE.
I'm turning into Kilroy
I was hospitalised after applying Mac eyeshadow.
My GF left me after I made her dead dog yoghurt bowls (insert punctuation to suit).
Haunted by Soleros...all I wanted was a piss and a sandwich
My GF left me after I made her dead dog yoghurt bowls (insert punctuation to suit).
Haunted by Soleros...all I wanted was a piss and a sandwich
Chicken shops are where the real tit goes down.
ETA FFS. I can't get my fat sausage fingers to do a spoiler on my phone. Chicken shops are well known to be a place where gangs gather and recruit.
ETA FFS. I can't get my fat sausage fingers to do a spoiler on my phone. Chicken shops are well known to be a place where gangs gather and recruit.
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“I nuzzled my OH - but it was his BROTHER!”
I'm roaring at these headlines! Jack would be perfect on the cover of Take a Break - her compo face is second to none!
I forced PARTY GUESTS to don SECOND-HAND HATS
I forced PARTY GUESTS to don SECOND-HAND HATS
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Not sure what the context of this is, but I would love to see JM put in a shift at Maccie Ds or a chicken shop, fast food outlets are where people of all ages come together to cause chaos. When I worked at a pretty TERRIBLE McD's there were rumours flying about the worst branches of McDonalds in the city (there's always at least one) - JM wouldn't last five minutes, lol
*sadly pointing at Arthur's Seat*
I took a BLENDER to Scotland
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**Paging Jack Monroe**
I didn’t make any roast potatoes at Christmas dinner, AND NO ONE MINDED!
Letters page
Jack writes, "I was on the toilet when I realised I didn't have any paper! Luckily my son was there, and he came running upstairs... only to tell me that all his friends were on the phone and heard me howling and clawing!"
Editor's note: "Oops! Jack wins this week's prize: an Andrex Multipack"
Jack writes, "I was on the toilet when I realised I didn't have any paper! Luckily my son was there, and he came running upstairs... only to tell me that all his friends were on the phone and heard me howling and clawing!"
Editor's note: "Oops! Jack wins this week's prize: an Andrex Multipack"
Top tip- if your child has a friend over at Easter, make them both a fun “Easter egg hunt” by wrapping mini chocolate eggs in tin foil, and hiding them in the garden! Hours of fun and cheap, too!
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