Jack Monroe #288 Only a psychopath separates a bunch of bananas for a photograph.

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bowiethesdmn

bowiethesdmn

kachoochoo said:
told yous I'd get a sketch out of jack doing 4 in a bed

4 in a bed featuring jack

v/o: it's payment day and our 4 sets of b+b owners have gathered to argue over each others' feedback on their stays. first up is jack monroe, owner of southend guesthouse, casa del sideboard

jack: now then, mary, I see you gave me a 4 out of 10 for facilities. can you please explain what you mean by "the room was draughty"? harold was up all night polyfilling the eaves, weren't you, harold?

harold: yes, dear

mary: I-

jack: wayne, you say here that breakfast was "mediocre" care to explain?

wayne: well-

jack: cos that bacon was artisanal cooking bacon, I'll have you know! I only have a £20 budget for food, you know. you'd be amazed what you can get for that money. gimme your address and I'll send you my books, yeah?

wayne: um-

jack: now, irene. you say the bathroom shelf fell down. did you not think to notify harold? he'd have been there in a flash, wouldn't you, harold?

harold: yes, d-

jack: and as for the poached egg being overdone? well, didn't you think that I had enough on what with the hospital corners and rolling fags for grandad and calling the prime minister a liar? I'm single-handedly trying to solve poverty here, you'll get whatever inexplicable egg is given to you! now, I just need a minute. no, harold, maureen can't help now

*jack storms out*

harold: heh, sorry about this. she hasn't taken it well since maureen sent my caps on to casa del sideboard and they turned out to be nicer than hers

*jack returns*

jack: sorry about that. I just needed to argue with some people on twitter. I'm ok now. now for the payments. I like payments

v/o: first to pay is mary and giles of the jungle guesthouse, who have paid £16 for their £1300 room

jack: care to explain?

giles: well-

jack: cos this doesn't even buy me a spoon, you bastards

v/o: 2nd up is wayne and janice of ye olde oakes, who have paid £75 of their £1500 bill

jack: what the duck is this? I need more hats

v/o: lastly, irene from the big purple chicken, blackpool has paid 50p for her £17000 stay at casa del sideboard

jack: you've been such a game player throughout this whole thing, irene! as long as I live and breathe, I won't let you forget this! you're so mendacious!

harold: jack, love, let's get you back to your lego flowers

exterior vox pop jack: can't believe none of them want to stay again.
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Actually crying dear god I'd kill to see this and am glad I'm the only fucker actually in the building at work currently so no one can ask what I'm owl-champagning at
 
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CrackingOwlSanctuary

CrackingOwlSanctuary

StatusWoe said:
Yeah, that's exactly it. I'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't so obnoxious. 😅

P.S. Did your posh twit colleagues do a lot of yomping on their gap yahs? I've literally never heard anyone say it IRL.
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It's probably Military Jack peeking out, the only time I have heard yomping is in sentences like 'the royal marines had to yomp 40 miles over night during the Falklands war,' I'm about as posh as Kwik Save though.
 
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bladiesla

bladiesla

Jack responding to JRM this way (like so manny on Twitter right now) is the same mechanism of blue ticks retweeting Jack when she's trending. A quick train to hop on and off when suited.

I also think they are both hypocritical assholes, so they deserve each other in this interaction.
 
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Veronicaaa

Veronicaaa

bladiesla said:
Jack responding to JRM this way (like so manny on Twitter right now) is the same mechanism of blue ticks retweeting Jack when she's trending. A quick train to hop on and off when suited.

I also think they are both hypocritical assholes, so they deserve each other in this interaction.
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There won't be any interaction, though. JRM will completely ignore her, meanwhile she's there jumping up and down in his notifications absolutely dying for an argument. Still, at least all her idiotic squigs will be like JACK'S A HERO, TELLING TRUTH TO POWER. It's all nonsense.
 
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jenny2603

jenny2603

Cookiecookie said:
And how on earth do you square your tit with God, Jack? I'm not religious, but I have a conscious and morals. She doesn't appear to have either
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I imagine Jack honestly believes that Jesus would think she's amazing and believe all her bullshit about her 100 hours a week saving the poors when in fact he'd have some harsh words for her, right before he starting flipping sideboards all over the crappy Bungalow.
 
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M

moldwarp

FrumpyCat said:
Wasn't there something about paying taxes in that bit of the bible.

Has Jack Monroe paid their taxes?
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lol yes render unto Caesar the things that are Caesars. Render unto God the things that are God’s.

there’s also quite a good bit about taking the plank out of your own eye before looking at the splinter in the eye of your brother. Jack might wanna have a look at that.

Jack used to be a Sunday school teacher didn’t she. A Protestant sect I think. I wanna say Methodist or baptist or maybe even evangelical? Evangelical Christianity can be extremely dangerous in the hands of someone like Jack who thinks they’re always right and have divine dispensation to preach to others.

even though it’s not my Easter yet, I find her determination to use someone’s sincerely held religion to score a point, to be tasteless in the extreme. And slightly offensive.
 
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MotorcycleEmptiness

MotorcycleEmptiness

usefullyuseless said:
My theory:

The cake and all it's extras prove the slop shop was purely performative and there was a second shop done that day, with a separate receipt. This second shop contains all the food she actually eats, brand name goodies and expensive drinks for example.

I don't think pork belly was on the stocktake either.

Why is she like this?
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100% this is what actually happened! The bloody theatrics of an Asda shop!
 
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bladiesla

bladiesla

StatusWoe said:
I have zero knowledge of Kit Kat quality in Ireland :p But pretty sure you can't buy single bars - unless it's those Chunky Kit Kats.

Could've done without seeing The Mogg on Easter Sunday. Of course, for Jack it's impossible to have a quiet, drama-free day, so she had to pick a fight and bring his tweets to our attention.
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Mocking JRM's Easter Tweet is quickly becoming a new tradition it seems. It has happened for the last few years as far as I can remember. I am not sure where I stand on it. I don't think his religion is mocked but his horrible stances as a politician that can be hardly squared with christian values of solidarity and caring for the vulnerable. He's harldy the good samaritan of the house of parliamants. Then again, there aren't enough hours in the day to keep calling out (Tory) hypocrisies on Twitter, so I also don't think it's a great use of time/effort while online.

I mean, so many people are fucked over by this government, while Tory MPs keep telling us how great the emporer looks in his clothes and that getting upset about partygate is 'fluff'. For people who clearly see he is prancing around naked and there are no clothes, I can understand that an Easter tweet about Jesus (who according to that faith stood up for the poor and vulnerable, not the bankers or policiticians who want to protect their wealth through all kind of loopholes and give mates lucrative PPE contracts) rubbs the wrong way.

All to say that the annual trending of JRM on Easter because of his Easter Tweet is not so much mocking Christians or a religion, but an expression of the frustration with and awful government with awful politicians.
 
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M

moldwarp

StatusWoe said:
Yeah, that's exactly it. I'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't so obnoxious. 😅

P.S. Did your posh twit colleagues do a lot of yomping on their gap yahs? I've literally never heard anyone say it IRL.
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Lol no I’m too old for gap yah conversations, the context was posh fat men talking about yomping around their acres of land in Surrey. Bleurgh.
 
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