Jack Monroe #196 You know, I'm something of a poor myself

[JuliaGulia]

I missed the end of the last thread and haven't quite caught up yet, but felt moved to post this!
ETA: Just noticed I spelled fannying with two i's. Sorry Cabal. It was all the giggling I was doing.

 

[Orphan_Black]

Happy new thread, yo!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

What the fluff?! Is she off then and without so much as a fuck off.

Im a bit sad to be honest.

Why you cry?
Website down
Oh no
I frown
My dripping eye
.com
.gone

 

[MancBee]

Thanks for the new thread. Shes back

We should have changed the stupid locks
We should have made her leave her key
If we'd have known for just one second
She'd be back bothering MancBee (that's me)

Can we have another sing song?

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Happy Birthday ST Looking forward to puppy pics!

It's also the not SGs birthday today, so the Jack rule of cakes is being applied (not my usual cake making requirement though!) Noticed Mom's side hustle when we needed to go get more batteries for the scaleView attachment 644068

Happy Birthday Mini @Cookiecookie! Enjoy your cake
Mrs ST doesn't apply the 'in/out' cake process either but there's a suspicious looking box in an M&S bag on the kitchen side that I'm definitely not supposed to have looked at

Everyone, this is Frank (N Furter). He's an evil genius. I've had about 10mins sleep all week so I'm off to read the latest edition of Br*akd*wn..There's definitely going to be some sanity saving advice within, isn't there? Might just try some CBD sugar scrub & light a Jo Malone.
*Alexa! Play Agadoo by Black Lace*

(Sorry mods. I know it's OT so I'll spend the best of the day writing 'I'm sorry' onto post it notes and plaster my lounge with them in penance).

*Mod edit: Birthday wishes to go in food and drink please

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Me calling Poca* so I don’t have to read about lower or upper tracts anymore

*other mods do exist she’s just our gal

 

[Emmapism]

I think 'Site Currently Unavailable' has to be an early contender for next thread title

 

[MancBee]

Jack had to call them underpants didn't she? She does my bloody head in. We have all seen her controlwear granny undergarments, they are definitely not underpants. Now I have got an image of Jack in tightey whitey Calin Klein Y fronts. She only does designer, don't ya know.

I am off to that there London today ready for my procedure tomorrow. Did I choose to stay in a fancy East London aparthotel? No I got a great deal at a Premier Inn in Hammersmith for £40 a night. On the internet it looks a bit basic, but it is what I can afford.

Actually my partner is paying and he did say stay wherever I want, but this is clean, convenient, and why pay more? I wouldn't feel right squandering other peoples money on unnecessary extravagances. Unlike Jack, who clearly has no shame about spending other peoples money with abandon.

 

[Mr Krabs]

Ha ha that sausage, hoops and spinach was the work of art created by keepingupwithkirstylea

I have no idea who that is, but I looked up her Instagram and one of the first posts was a Starbucks cup with #bekind written on it and now I have to go vomit.

A first date with Jack would be dinner at your house. She pulls up with a moving van outside (just in case things go well), carries a box of rusty pans to your kitchen and commandeers the area, yelling at you not to touch her whisk because only she is the top chef. You then get to watch her take photos of the food, bowl nestled in her grubby hands, before sitting down to a sloppy pasta dish she calls 'cunnilingus carbonara' or something equally cringe. Inbetween bites, you are treated to a thorough retelling of the poverty and slagging off of exes. You go to the bathroom, only to come out minutes later to find she's completely moved in, and your utensils are artfully displayed in a filthy pair of DMs. You're her wife now.

 

[Geetbo]

Ooh, just seen over on the secret celeb gossip page that Sue Perkins and Anna Richardson have split up. Two older celebrity lesbians are now on the market!!

Live footage from the shitty bungalow of Jack heading to Sue's house.

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Morning Lads. Sorry I've not been around much but I've been BUSY. We got a new puppy at the weekend and there's been no time for pissing nor sandwich eating in the ST household. (I'll put a pic up on F&D if anyone wants to see him).

Also, it's my birthday today and I had a dream that I was given a special hat for the day from Vlad and the mods.
-However, this joy was short lived as the hat was just an inflatable cock 'n' balls which I refused to wear. This resulted in a 48hr ban from the site.

I'm tired. I'm very, very tired.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

The recipe for the domino biscuits should be interesting.

Screenshot from @lilamay

Remember when we were domino biscuit shortbread truthers? Great days

 

[Switchstreetz]

Previously on thread 195!

- While Jack was AWAY we celebrated the anniversary of her visit to tattle on thread 31 with cake and some of the best bits

- we were treated to a "she SHAN'TY" here

- Jack returned! The book still isn't done and appears to have gone back to the drawing board

- rainbow falafel was photographed on an ominous surface

- our lives were either ruined or enriched by the existence of this mask

- we're currently awaiting "oven chips saag paneer" from her wall of post its among many more delights, pick your favourite to get hyped for

 

[MancBee]

The recipe for the domino biscuits should be interesting.

View attachment 639652

Screenshot from @lilamay
View attachment 639650

Remember when we were domino biscuit shortbread truthers? Great days

"Life is short" when it comes to making biscuits, but you can wait 3 days for pickled bean salad and hours and hours for slow cooked slop. Where is the sense in that?

 

[Rekyavikgirl]

Bone marrow Bolognese is nicked from Rosie Ramsden's recipe which in turn draws from the Italian use of marrow.

The sardine stock is nicked from a chef who uses it as a base for a fish soup.

The cornflakes ice cream is a poorly repurposed copy of Cristina Tosi's and the idea has been done to fucking death. The fried chicken with corn and Banana is Chicken Maryland. Crab rarebit and fish finger tacos are heavily inspired by Nigella and have also been heavily done to death, the celeriac colcannon too. I could go on.

She's well known for nicking ideas. And Marina O'Loughlin is a gullible idiot.

 

[Switchstreetz]

You do realise she's probably just thrown out some random words on those post it notes with the hope it will lead to mass speculation here and the cabal will fill in the blanks...

Lads, stop writing her book for her!!!

 

[Deej]

She originally announced the break from social media because of unnamed health issues, and her followers fell over themselves with sympathy tweets. A few weeks later, and the break is just because she fancied it. Do her followers have memory problems or something? I’m constantly astounded at the garbage they will swallow ( and I don’t just mean the recipes).

 

[Geetbo]

Remember her insanely patronising 900 page booklet of 'instructions' to LJC on how to make pesto pasta or something fucking stupid like that? That, but with the Poverty during your starters so you felt inclined to pay, a rundown of her latest health issues, hours and hours of Jacksplaining, kicking the waiter in the shins for not knowing her body of work or leaving raisins/chocolate/head cheese out of her seafood dish (teehee I picked it because it looks like a fanny blablabla)... Yes I have been on a lot of shite dates Cabal nunnery it is.

And yet she gets multiple women to move in with her. She must have a tongue like an electric hand whisk is all I can say.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Patreon Update

From 310 to 295 in the last hour or so, this is a loss of 15 / 4.8%, that’s a a tiny bit higher than her monthly avg loss of 4%, off the top of my head this is the second highest churn rate we’ve seen, with last month’s slightly higher at 5.5% after she mugged off teachers. However she’s still swimming in free cash, so hopefully she can pay HMRC a lil summit summit soon.

 

[Geetbo]

I’m sure we all hope she’s got her act together and is happy.

However I think I’m more likely to renounce my homosexual ways and marry the nice girl with a lazy eye my Nan was always trying to set me up with.