Jack Monroe #137 NarcLife by Bootstrap Crook

[TurnedUpInTipp]

She’ll probably use the spud water gravy two more times like the beetroot water. We’ll see spud gravy porridge for breakfast tomorrow followed by spud gravy risotto.

Momgella is all over re-using spud and pasta water in her new book.

 

[Flash123]

Hi Jack @Flash123 posted about having it separately and like magic, here you are addressing that. Are you being a peeky mink on tattle again?

She must have set up post notifications for me just like I set up Twitter notifications the other day during the chartwells chaos! The speed in which she replied was almost as speedy as my screenshot and post.

safe to say neither Jack nor I are BUSY today!

 

[blurstoftimes]

Why do some potatoes look roasted and some only look boiled? Can’t believe this but am I insane, the blue ones aren’t roasted are they? Why are only some potatoes coated in gravy? How can you make gravy out of potato water?


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About to do our dinner and this has knocked me for six uno, what IS this?

THiS IS GOING IN AN ACTUAL RECIPE BOOK THAT PEOPLE WILL PAY REAL MONEY FOR

 

[Ldytnk]

I'm preordering my refund

 

[Tabitha D]

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All this sugary twee foofle nonsense is making me want to puke.

 

[sioc]

Don't worry Jack, I wrote the recipe for you, now you can get back to saving the children!

Chicken, Veg and Potatoes: A Recipe

First, place your chicken tenderly into a pan. It can be frozen or not - the chicken, not the pan, haha! What am I like?! Some so-called "chefs" have strict rules that they insist you follow. But personally I like to throw caution to the wind and do what feels good. So defrost your chicken, leave it...life's too short.

Add a smear of lard to the pan with the chicken. Other fats are available, but I live on a very strict budget and can't afford them. In fact, I added the merest sliver of lard, so as not to waste a penny of precious ingredients. This means that someday, my son and I may have our Forever Home. If you are fortunate enough to already own a home, rather than living in precarious rented accommodation, you may use more.

Turn on the heat and let the lard melt, caressing the chicken with its winsome porky touch. While this is going on, chop your vegetables. If you have problems with knives, why not try this handy vegetable chopper, available here from Amazon? Yes, I'll get a few p tossed my way if you buy it, but I really believe in and heartily endorse this product!

Add your vegetables to the pan and stir firmly. I find this is best achieved with a spoon, although if you have sold all your kitchenware in a Yard Sale, a rare Mary Poppins replica umbrella makes a good substitute.

Meanwhile, carefully peel your potatoes. This is a simple task, so easy that the average 44-year-old can manage it with minimal supervision. Keep the potato peelings - if you have a vegan in the family, they can mix them with some Del Monte pineapple chunks for a delicious vegan alternative.

Add the potatoes to the pan and cook everything for three hours, or until softy softy soft soft.

This serves four - if you don't guzzle it greedily straight from the pan, like I did! This site, with its millions of delicious recipes, will always be free to use but does incur running costs. To help offset them, you can always chuck a pound or two my way. As a former foodbank user, your donations are much appreciated. Thankyou.

Catching up so posting from the past but bravo! Can I suggest you do a kickstarter for these maverick recipes, should only take you multiple years.

The del monte pineapple chunks reminds me though, have we seen a single other recipe from them? Or Linda McCartney for that matter?

Our favourite semi vegan pescatarian bodybuilder is of course having chicken and bistro gravy for dinner I note with absolutely zero surprise.

 

[Switchstreetz]

She’s a selfish hag and she can’t cook!!

[naughty word removed ]
#138 thread title ?


I dare someone to call it too obtuse

 

[Tabitha D]

god the replies from these squiggles are so dire I almost instinctively pressed the “report” button under your post because they offended me so badly

ETA: Jack if you’re reading this (likely) please don’t make merch. Please. Thankyou 🤍

Countdown to the “Floofle club” on Patreon (£12 per month plus VAT and you get sweet duck all) starts here.

 

[Switchstreetz]

she cooked a private dinner for MARY PORTAS, for duck's sake!

There is no amount of money I would not pay to get the scoop from Mary Portas, I'm even willing to sell all my Cotswold sideboards and the emin but can you IMAGINE her side of this event?!

Poor mary probably said she didn't feel well, took two bites then fled and ordered a takeaway on the way home. Or was this all a huge exaggeration and it turns out jack and Mary Portas were just both at the same social gathering and jack handed her a sausage roll from the buffet?

 

[jenny2603]

she cooked a private dinner for MARY PORTAS, for duck's sake!

Once.

 

[bowiethesdmn]

I too have a 10 yr old boy he says things like " Minecraft blah blah blah roadblocks blah blah blah and when I got six inches chopped off my hair " it looks middle aged" and you look a like a witch with that grey bit, a cool witch.

If anyone has ever watched The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, the way Jack portrays SB reminds me of how Buckley acts when Jacqueline puts him on ADHD meds, proper children of the corn style acting.

 

[Hollaaa]

All this sugary twee foofle nonsense is making me want to puke.

Pukle.

 

[Brian Butterfield]

Or maybe people who say things like:

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#neverforget #militaryaroundtheedges

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

I don’t believe any child would say ever meal was the best ever. Where is the ‘it was alright’ response. Total bollocks (like the sausages she buys)

 

[Joan of Narc]

First time poster here! I've been lurking since the days of DKL and the 'That Man' chaos..I don't use Twitter so first became aware of Jack when I noticed their name kept being mentioned in the comments section of the Guardian whenever there was an article on storecupboard ingredients..I looked up her recipes and they all seemed fairly grim. My top 3 Jack moments so far are Viv (RIP), Brenda's Bangers and the horror film type voice whispering 'you're on, you're on' ( I think during the shed cooking?). Big thanks to the cabal for keeping me hooting over these last few difficult months. Will probably go back to lurking now!

 

[bladiesla]

Once.

So many of the experiences JM talks about are just thinks she did on a blue Monday (is that a thing in English too? Meaning it was a very short period) or once, but acts like a spokesperson about it.

Reminds me of a colleague's partner in the pub sharing something like: "When I bake bread I like to put olives in the loaf". To which said colleague responed: "In the five years I've known you, you baked bread once, Geoff".

 

[Walkdengirl]

It's the Oliver Twist 'please sir, can I have some more?' vibe that does it for me. It's such an unnatural way to hold a bowl. I've honestly never seen anyone hold a bowl or plate in that way and I've seen some sights.

I'm sure we once saw a side view and she stands the bowl on something so she can take these bizarre photos

 

[kachoochoo]

Once.

now I've got the diana vickers song stuck in my head

 

[CabalofBolorneaise]

I don’t believe any child would say ever meal was the best ever. Where is the ‘it was alright’ response. Total bollocks (like the sausages she buys)

I imagine he might if she bought him a McDonald’s

 

[KebabGirl]

She did that election chat with Toff. And obviously ended up basically capitulating to everything Toff had to say, because (in my opinion, MLud) Jack has no opinions of her own and spins in the wind agreeing with the last person she spoke to/the prevailing popular opinion.

Again, my family (and myself) would disown me for defending a Tory twice in 2 days. When I watched this when first broadcast I thought Toff was very interesting and open to discussion. It seemed very one sided as Jack just sucks up to her. Can't say I agree with either on this performance, but Toff wanted to listen.
Several years on, I still think Jack would benefit from listening. She really has created an echo chamber - not all criticism is trolling