The sound accompanying the video of the sparklers in the sloppy "dessert".... HYPNOTOAD?
The duck is this?I hope this isn’t louisa’s birthday cake
That’s what that noise reminded me of the noise they were following on lost, maybe Louisa is sending signals & trying to escapethe Lost theme in the background
Her nails were grubby there too, she could have just posted her hand and we would have known it was her.
Festive Jack with sparklers in her head and wildly spinning eyeballs of courseThe duck is this?
Aren’t you glad you’re a peach?The sawdust vegan doorstop
The carrots that are simultaneously raw and burnt
The brain and oil custard
The aunt bessie yorkies
The dishwater gravy
THE STARTER
The fact that everything has mandarin in it
Yeah you summed that up better than meRight I’m gonna briefly defend Jack but I promise it’s only so I can trash her again in a moment...
I think occasionally (and I am guilty of this as anyone) we do some performative heaving at her food pics, mainly because although she thinks she’s such a talented food stylist, nobody in this world is making a chickpea soup look good, let alone Jack who, for all the glitzy paper backdrops in the world, cannot cook in the first place. We definitely project our knowledge of her ineptitude (and dislike of her) onto her photos.
However, I think this Christmas dinner may be one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen, and I feel actively sorry for people who might try it in the hope it wouldn’t be absolutely bleeping foul. What in the name of all that is good in this world is that oily custard?! Also those Yorkshires are 100% shop bought.
First - has she not heard of Iceland? Is Southend too posh for Iceland? Any times I’ve been really skint I’ve done my Christmas shop there, and they have some really lovely veg sides and fresh meat and veggie options and appetising desserts for really good prices. Who the duck is rendering the fat from cooking bacon to mix with potato water when there are cheap, considerably tastier ready-made versions??
Secondly - omg thatmaggotprawn cocktail. Sweet lord. Why waste a chunk of budget on prawns and grapefruit (which I bet is bleeping Del Monte btw) when you could get some sausage meat for a proper stuffing with the money, or a real nut roast instead of a brick of sadness made from parsnip shavings? Or some beige Boxing Day oven treats (Iceland duck spring rolls unbeatable btw).
Thirdly - I’d like to express advance condolences to any poor schmuck attempting that dessert. I’ve just been to Sainsbury’s (look at me transcending class boundaries...) and the iced mince pies were like, a quid for 6. I’ll pass on the old bread and mincemeat cheers, Jack.
I can see why she’s offering these options - no food writer is going to render themselves redundant by saying “just get prepped veg, mate!”. But in reality she knows that nobody in their right mind would try that lard fest, least of all her, as she’s no doubt got her Ocado slot nailed down. The workable option is to list great offers in various supermarkets, and little hacks to keep down costs. I thought these indices of retail were her specialty? But no, Jack’s lake of lipids gravy must take centre stage. Pat her head, squiggle sycophants, while you thank your lucky stars that you are so middle class you’ve never gone lower than Nigella.
Sorry that was a mega rant. I feel strongly about Christmas dinner.
Jack’s lake of lipids gravy
Heck no - yours was much more pithy and concise. Loved it.Yeah you summed that up better than me
I have a friend who doesn't 'do' Christmas. No particular reason, she just never has.I would genuinely rather get a KFC sharing bucket than eat that depressing shite.