Ioan Gruffudd & Alice Evans #52 More projection than a silent movie theater

[Caitlyn130]

I totally hear you. But here I am, a woman who was cheated on, who, looking back, in my opinion, does not believe infidelity is the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. I believe there are a lot worse things that can happen in a marriage than infidelity. And I believe strong marriages can survive infidelity, It is not a death sentence when the bones of a marriage are good I really recommend reading that book. It is really eye opening, because it is scientific and based on real evidence. I do not in any way want you to feel 'older' people know everything. I for duck sakes absolutely do not. You feelings are valid and I want to acknowledge this.

I'm not saying it's never forgivable. I'm not saying it's worse than cancer, or losing a child. If life leads you to a situation where one or both parties has cheated, then it's up to you both how you move forward. But I'm not going into a marriage thinking that it's in any way acceptable to deal with my feelings / problems by having sex with someone else. To do that would be making a conscious decision to hurt someone I love, or have loved, and I'm not okay with that. If I ever did it, I'd have to deal with the fact that I've done something extremely hurtful, not justify it by saying 'oh well the marriage was dead anyway, what does it matter?' That's just my feelings on it.

 

[Jemadah]

First of all, I found Bianca's post very moving. I like her soft and gentle voice, such a difference to mAlice's squawking. I feel for her struggle with MS and for a broken marriage at such a young age, likely because of that diagnosis. She is lovely, and I like her understated way of dressing.

From everything we've heard from the horse's mouth (mAlice herself) and have pieced together the past several weeks, that marriage had been dead as a doorknob for years. She admitted she threatened him with divorce if he didn't get his a.. back to LA at the beginning of the pandemic. Just the other day, someone posted a throwback from her Insta in Fall 2017, where she basically said he had the ick for her back then already and was finding excuses to avoid sex. So much for the soulmate and marital bliss garbage she spouted at the beginning of this drama when he left. I think it's more than obvious that he stayed because of the children - all the more tragic that he seems to have lost them anyway - and was at the least emotionally abused. He was honest with her in August 2020 - at the latest - by telling her he didn't love her and wanted out, then stayed yet another 4 months, maybe to try to smooth things with her and the kids, and then finally left and filed for divorce. He wanted the divorce collaborative and quick, she has vowed to drag it out forever. I really see no betrayal on his part, he was on the upfront about everything except, perhaps, the new relationship. And who are we to blame him?

Am I - at the tender age of 67! - the only one here naive enough to believe an attractive man and woman can bond in times of extreme stress without it automatically being something sexual from the get-go? Frankly, I don't give a flying you-know-what about when it became something else. They are two damaged people who apparently are finding strength in one another and learning to trust again..

I might get whipped here for saying this, but personally, I think it speaks for Ioan as a human being and as a man to commit to this relationship with Bianca, who could very well end up blind and/or in a wheelchair in a very few years, and may even die young. That's a lot to take on, especially with a toxic ex-wife who will never leave him in peace and two children he obviously loves and are being emotionally abused by their own mother, who in my view is the only one who is hurting them, beginning with how she told little Elsie about the divorce filing and going on for months alienating them from him. Yes, I had/have some reservations about him moving into a new relationship so fast, but I wish them the best, whether as a comfort to each other now in hard times or forever.

Bianca said it very succinctly, but at the end of the day, we all have only one life to live and it is finite. I hope he is going for full custody and gets it. I think he and Bianca would be a far better environment and influence for these children.

The most sensible post I've read in a long time

 

[House of Tea]

I agree with an earlier post, being cheated on is not the worse thing that can happen to you. I have been cheated on before and it was devastating at the time, but it didn’t have the profound effect on me as other life brickbats have done. I take a very pragmatic view of relationships these days. In an ideal world you would split up rather than lie to your partner that you were having an affair but life isn’t perfect. I am long time married, not interested in having another relationship, even if this one ended. I am at at a stage in life that I just could not be arsed looking for someone else. That’s not to say I wouldn’t want somebody in my life, if they arrived and I liked them and and were happy to live apart from me, I would go for it.

This isn’t going to land well, we have been sold a myth about relationships. I used to lap up Mills & Boons when I was younger. I was all in, bought that myth. This whole plight your troth to one person for the rest of your life is such a bizarre one for me now, perhaps age does that, although it has taken a while for the penny to drop. It isn’t for me, but how much healthier must open relationships be, if both parties are fully committed to it rather than just one partner saying they are to keep the other happy. One person cannot supply all that you need in life, and monogamous relationships feel outdated and designed to keep people in place, presumably because of religious reasons. If you are in a monogamous relationship and you want to hook up with other people, you owe it to your partner to tell them that, leaving them free to stay or go, but making that decision with full knowledge rather than finding out as a shock. However, just the whole monogamous relationship feels so outdated and unachievable.

 

[plinky]

Well I didn’t always have great relationships I didn’t cheat, but I basically generated a massive argument with my ex (children’s father) so that I could leave.

I had tried the gentle way and he would just cry loads and then get angry at me. I felt so trapped. I also did ask him to change some things and he just told me all the things I had to change first (like have more sex with him even when I didn’t want to because he was being such a dick). I even went to counselling for 6 months, he wouldn’t come but even that didn’t give me the courage to leave him. So I didnt know what else to do I saw the options of:

behave badly so he would leave me
cheat (I didn’t)
leave without telling him first
cause a row so I could storm out

and I did the last one

and honest to god it was so scary

 

[Perplexity]

They were RADA productions, not professional work once he'd left.

Seems like he got really consistent tv work straight out of RADA. I mean, I love love love theatre, I go twice a month (and the theatre actors I love most don’t have much of a presence on screen and aren’t famous at all really). But I’m not really getting the judgment here about IG’s career decisions? He doesn’t want to do theatre - well loads of actors don’t. I think it’s a valid choice if it isn’t what he wanted.

 

[Nixlondon]

I'm not saying it's never forgivable. I'm not saying it's worse than cancer, or losing a child. If life leads you to a situation where one or both parties has cheated, then it's up to you both how you move forward. But I'm not going into a marriage thinking that it's in any way acceptable to deal with my feelings / problems by having sex with someone else. To do that would be making a conscious decision to hurt someone I love, or have loved, and I'm not okay with that. If I ever did it, I'd have to deal with the fact that I've done something extremely hurtful, not justify it by saying 'oh well the marriage was dead anyway, what does it matter?' That's just my feelings on it.

I agree totally with you. I never cheated on my ex or anyone I have ever been with. And believe me, I raged and roared when I found out he cheated. But I also knew in my heart the marriage was not good. So, my view now is shades of grey, but with a leaning to the white.

 

[Caitlyn130]

Seems like he got really consistent tv work straight out of RADA. I mean, I love love love theatre, I go twice a month (and the theatre actors I love most don’t have much of a presence on screen and aren’t famous at all really). But I’m not really getting the judgment here about IG’s career decisions? He doesn’t want to do theatre - well loads of actors don’t. I think it’s a valid choice if it isn’t what he wanted.

I think for me it's just more that if movies were what he was aiming for and the roles weren't materialising, then doing some theatre work could have improved his chances of the film career he really wanted. Not that I really know how the industry works but I would imagine it's a great way to raise your profile within the industry and also improve your craft.

 

[Jemadah]

The panic attacks were much later on after many years of marriage to AE.

But it could be that they'd also be triggered if he did live theatre, and that's why he avoids it.

 

[Perplexity]

I agree totally with you. I never cheated on my ex or anyone I have ever been with. And believe me, I raged and roared when I found out he cheated. But I also knew in my heart the marriage was not good. So, my view now is shades of grey, but with a leaning to the white.

Yeah, this is where I am about it. I find it hard to feel any kind of moral outrage about cheating at the blurry end of a crappy relationship.

 

[TicTacToc]

My husband just asks me if I'm on "that site again" talking about "that crazy woman."

My boyfriend says “are you gossiping again?”

 

[curious km]

How absolutely brilliant of you.

I have mentioned this in conversations with friends, this one idea here. I believe that relationships/partnerships are heavily prioritized among all else in some people’s lives. And how wondrous and meaningful that is! And how fulfilling it must be! But I also believe the consequence of this is having your other “worldly eggs” cracking in that beloved person’s basket if they leave, because they became the foundation of your life.

I understand and respect anyone who disagrees with me, but I’ve always believed that relationships are allowed to be afforded equal or, sometimes minimal, slices in your “pie chart of worldly values,” if that metaphor isn’t too crappy. They don’t HAVE to be, pls don’t misread me, but we should give ourselves permission to love wholeheartedly without also investing every dimension of our identity into this person/people (if there are any polyamorous lovers out there!). It’s OK to do this.

Granted, it is VERY hard, but it is accomplishable with patience, practice, and consent (usually mutual agreement) from your partner(s) to not make the relationship dominate y’all’s lives/time. Gosh, it’s so hard for me to describe, but a few of my friends are involved in such relationship structures, where they can love deeply and be loved deeply but also remain grounded in their own identities, so God forbid things shatter, they don’t wind up like Alice and completely collapse.

Thank you for this wisdom, lovely Plinky.

Love this @ReturningthePearls ! Seriously you need to do a blog or podcast!!!

 

[ButterTart]

Seems like he got really consistent tv work straight out of RADA. I mean, I love love love theatre, I go twice a month (and the theatre actors I love most don’t have much of a presence on screen and aren’t famous at all really). But I’m not really getting the judgment here about IG’s career decisions? He doesn’t want to do theatre - well loads of actors don’t. I think it’s a valid choice if it isn’t what he wanted.

I think some actors also want fame, and while there are tremendously talented theatre actors many are known only in theatre circles. One big movie can make you famous globally, up your rate, and make you more marketable. I don’t know his reasons for not doing theatre, but i could see this being factored in.

 

[KikiFromNy]

I just woke up so hopefully this doesn’t come off badly. When 20 odd people have the same thoughts and we all make one comment, that is the same. That BW video was inspirational and we liked it, that doesnt really make us a “fan club”. I personally don’t like being accused of that for one comment. One comment. And while I’m here no I don’t think they had an affair either. I’ve already explained before but I think they met Aug 2020 as AD said. They made a connection and he flew home shortly after. They continued a supportive online relationship from there. There is zero evidence of an affair so I will not accuse them of one.

Same. One comment on how moved I was by her video doesn't make me part of a "fan club." And we are debating this young woman's morals or lack of them like the FM's. Exactly what day did she and IG first have sex and we will base our support or like of her on whether we deem that an appropriate time. It's really none of our damn business. Like her or don't like her based on what little we see of her. Not on a nebulous "when did they have sex day."

PS none of this is our damn business but I'm still here every day dammit!

 

[Perplexity]

I think for me it's just more that if movies were what he was aiming for and the roles weren't materialising, then doing some theatre work could have improved his chances of the film career he really wanted. Not that I really know how the industry works but I would imagine it's a great way to raise your profile within the industry and also improve your craft.

I think it certainly can - I guess it entirely depends on the roles though, for whether Hollywood would care about it. I’ve seen actors on stage playing fairly small parts while also being the lead in a tv show, so I definitely don’t get how it works! Maybe you have to get your knob out. I have seen much theatre peen

 

[Dombey]

Yes, I think it's obvious IG tried to save things. AE was always complaining that he would want to do the "talk" with her when she had gone too far on SM (and probably RL too). Her response was to laugh at it and tell everyone about it on SM. He was banging his head again a brick wall. It's also very narc to promise to change and then swiftly carry on as before. This is in stark contrast to a healthy relationship like you have @plinky

AE “What was he thinking. He KNOWS what I’m like”

Says it all really.

The photo from a thread or so ago, of IG on the floor with Little E (and somewhere a dog or cat according to AE) -- that's what did it for me

He was shrunken, exhausted, beaten

It was like a still from a movie. The already wounded hero with his little wooden sword being forced to battle a well armed giant. Beaten and exhausted, the hero falls to the ground. Above him looms the victor with a taunting smirk. Except in this instance, the beast pushes a camera into the hero's face, saying, 'Smile sweetie, come on, give us that smile. I'm going to post it online '

Good on you, IG. You survived. You're smiling again and hopping around in slippers in imitation of BW's dog in its new socks. You've come a long way. You're walking tall and straight

 

[Nixlondon]

How absolutely brilliant of you.

I have mentioned this in conversations with friends, this one idea here. I believe that relationships/partnerships are heavily prioritized among all else in some people’s lives. And how wondrous and meaningful that is! And how fulfilling it must be! But I also believe the consequence of this is having your other “worldly eggs” cracking in that beloved person’s basket if they leave, because they became the foundation of your life.

I understand and respect anyone who disagrees with me, but I’ve always believed that relationships are allowed to be afforded equal or, sometimes minimal, slices in your “pie chart of worldly values,” if that metaphor isn’t too crappy. They don’t HAVE to be, pls don’t misread me, but we should give ourselves permission to love wholeheartedly without also investing every dimension of our identity into this person/people (if there are any polyamorous lovers out there!). It’s OK to do this.

Granted, it is VERY hard, but it is accomplishable with patience, practice, and consent (usually mutual agreement) from your partner(s) to not make the relationship dominate y’all’s lives/time. Gosh, it’s so hard for me to describe, but a few of my friends are involved in such relationship structures, where they can love deeply and be loved deeply but also remain grounded in their own identities, so God forbid things shatter, they don’t wind up like Alice and completely collapse.

Thank you for this wisdom, lovely Plinky.

"worldly eggs" this is it. This is exactly what Alice did and why she is falling apart now. Her eggs are broken and she has a fox (sorry Bianca) in the hen house preventing her from getting more eggs. If she were truly strong and courageous, she would be rebuilding the hen house, painting it, putting a good fence around it and getting some new cocks in the hen house

 

[NarcRage]

Both of them, so he can alternate the 'bank'.

One for each hand

 

[plinky]

My boyfriend says “are you gossiping again?”

Mine too!

How absolutely brilliant of you.

I have mentioned this in conversations with friends, this one idea here. I believe that relationships/partnerships are heavily prioritized among all else in some people’s lives. And how wondrous and meaningful that is! And how fulfilling it must be! But I also believe the consequence of this is having your other “worldly eggs” cracking in that beloved person’s basket if they leave, because they became the foundation of your life.

I understand and respect anyone who disagrees with me, but I’ve always believed that relationships are allowed to be afforded equal or, sometimes minimal, slices in your “pie chart of worldly values,” if that metaphor isn’t too crappy. They don’t HAVE to be, pls don’t misread me, but we should give ourselves permission to love wholeheartedly without also investing every dimension of our identity into this person/people (if there are any polyamorous lovers out there!). It’s OK to do this.

Granted, it is VERY hard, but it is accomplishable with patience, practice, and consent (usually mutual agreement) from your partner(s) to not make the relationship dominate y’all’s lives/time. Gosh, it’s so hard for me to describe, but a few of my friends are involved in such relationship structures, where they can love deeply and be loved deeply but also remain grounded in their own identities, so God forbid things shatter, they don’t wind up like Alice and completely collapse.

Thank you for this wisdom, lovely Plinky.

thanks
It’s not weakness to do this but also it’s not self protection to give them all up
I have some little eggs for myself. Selfish ones
And anyone who minds that can’t be with me!
I check with my partner too that he has his eggs.

 

[TicTacToc]

I think it certainly can - I guess it entirely depends on the roles though, for whether Hollywood would care about it. I’ve seen actors on stage playing fairly small parts while also being the lead in a tv show, so I definitely don’t get how it works! Maybe you have to get your knob out. I have seen much theatre peen

Do you remember when Daniel Radcliffe first got his kit off for theatre? That was a major scandal!

I check with my partner too that he has his eggs.

In my boyfriend’s mother tongue, his eggs are his balls

 

[Perplexity]

Do you remember when Daniel Radcliffe first got his kit off for theatre? That was a major scandal!

Equus! Daniel Radcliffe is actually a great theatre actor, I’ve seen him in a few things (usually fully clothed).

I have, sadly, also seen Dudley Dursley’s knob during King Lear.