Have been sat on my hands all morning with my mother's voice whispering in my ear 'if you can't say something nice, then say nothing at all.'
But I've decided to say something and will be in a total minority here and am prepared to be shouted down or to walk away from here.
I won't go into my personal story here, but I'd just like to say that it has taken me many years to find my voice and I am still practising so please bear with me.
I am really sorry that Bianca is living with MS. I have people in my life who have it and many years post diagnosis they are well and living full and active lives. It is not the death sentence it once was and the prognosis is very good. Diet, exercise and lifestyle choices help to keep the people I know healthy and well.
I guess my problem with Bianca is from a moral judgement point of view and I am also including Ioan in this view. As Welp says above, she is not convinced of the nature of how their relationship came to be. We have no evidence of timelines either way and this is what plays on my mind. If Bianca knowingly had an affair with a married man, then in my mind that is really shitty behaviour and her diagnosis of MS does not give her a 'get out of jail free' card. I can have sympathy for her diagnosis, but I can also still say that her behaviour is appalling and totally shitty. Just as I can have sympathy for Alice because Ioan cheated on her but can also think her behaviour over the last year has been cruel and undignified.
I think the part that doesn't sit well with me about Bianca's behaviour is my ability to put myself in another person's shoes and feel the consequences of her behaviour. Before I continue, I will just state that if I find evidence she is totally innocent then I will apologise to all and sundry. I know myself well enough to know I could not be magnanimous to another women if she had an affair with my husband even if she did have a medical condition. I would definitely leave my husband if I found out and I know I would act with more dignity than Alice but I could not accept the situation just because the woman had a medical condition. I like to think I am pretty evolved but I aint that evolved, I have limits.
The other thing that I feel really uncomfortable about is Bianca's video about her condition. Despite trying to portray a message of 'positivity,' I got an undercurrent of 'poor me.' Poor me, this is what I deal with and leave me alone Alice and those that dislike me.
I am a lot older than Bianca and maybe it's a generational thing but I don't get the whole sharing your life on social media stuff. If you are a big movie star then yes, people have always loved looking into the lives of the rich and famous. I used to love looking at magazines with a relative, at the pictures and write ups of Hollywood stars, you dreamed, you aspired and it was escapism. But Bianca is or was an accountant who had done some 'extra' type work on a series, she is not a movie star. I do have an instagram account but it is private for my family and friends so we can share family and friends photos with each other. There is no need for anyone else to see them, they are private and we are private.
Some may say that Bianca is inspirational and I can see why they would say that. She was diagnosed with a medical condition and decided to make some life changes. I guess for me, I'm more an action kind of gal than a word one. I don't tell people about my achievements, words are cheap and plentiful, actions require hard work and speak from themselves.
I lost a very dear person a few months ago. I have known them for over 20 years. I didn't know until the end of their life that they were dying of cancer. They had been fighting it for 6 years. This very dear person was an action kind of person. I found out that once they had received their diagnosis they chose to keep it quiet. They didn't want sympathy, they didn't want to appear to be a victim. They took the treatment, they took the medication and the only people who knew were the people who were treating them. They raised over a million pounds for charity in those 6 years from diagnosis to death. Their focus was on service, on what little life they had left and how they could use it to serve others.
I could easily understand if they had gone into self pity mode and would have willingly comforted them in that place. But they chose dignity and service of others as their legacy. And that is how I will remember them.
Experience had taught me that actions speak so much louder than words. Yes, a wonderful piece of prose will transport me but actions will either earn my respect or disdain. Bianca's actions to date have not earned my respect. Knowingly choosing to have an affair with a married man to me is disdainful. You are choosing to hurt another human being with your actions.
You can rationalise your actions by telling yourself the recipient isn't a nice person or that they deserve the consequences of your actions. But do they? As evolved human beings with some semblance of emotional intelligence can we really say that the values that form out moral compass are dependent on other's behaviours? I despise violence unless you support another football team, then my violence towards you is justified. Are we so easily swayed? I'd like to think I wasn't.
I place high value on fidelity. It is important to me. If you want to be unfaithful then leave your current relationship, there are no exceptions. It will cause hurt, it will cause pain but it is about respect for the other person. You owe that other person respect not humilation.
Bianca chose to cause hurt to another human being because she considered her needs were more important than the person she chose to hurt. Her actions were not about service of others, her actions were and are about service to self.
All three parties is this sordid tale have questionable behavoiurs and as I've said before, Alice shouts the loudest and gets the most attention. Just because you shout the loudest doesn't necessarily mean you are the worst. More damage is often done in the darkness of the night than in glare of the sun.
Good morning, dear friend. Thanks so much for your transparency, it's both striking and sincere.
I think what tends to alter our perspectives towards Bianca's actions are our moral gadgetry—you seem to prioritize fidelity based on your personal experiences. Those life events and the musings that accompany them have shaped your moral compass in a way that deeply values fidelity. And that's fine!
Meanwhile, I personally am willing to forego the necessity of fidelity if the partner's spouse committed severe emotional abuse, because I believe that the trauma of being cheated on is absolutely smeared to nearly nothing in comparison to the trauma of being abused. I feel a handful of others in here bear that same opinion but it isn't my place to speak on their behalf. Do I think filing for divorce and then exploring a new relationship would have been proper? Yes, typically I would. It seems fair.
But if there was indeed infidelity at play, shouldn't I factor in the likelihood that Ioan had spent so much time partnered with Alice, enduring her attitude, appreciating her love—both of these creating an amalgamation of wild gaslighting and a marred understanding of healthy love—that meeting another woman and finally receiving (through her) the reality that his relationship was abusive, is alright? Despite his being married? That was a trailing sentence, forgive me, but I feel obligated to lend mercy to Ioan, a victim of spousal abuse, because he happened to begin the journey of learning through another person that he could end the harm committed against him.
As I said, our moral priorities are going to dominate our opinions of their relationship. And some of us are going to stay confused. And that's fine. We don't have to stand staunchly in our opinions. We can be conflicted and find peace in that.
Bianca supposedly asking for pity:
Truthfully, I don't see Bianca's pity plea in her video. I don't see it, and what I'm about to say might come across as an accusation, but I really hope it doesn't and I don't intend it to:
There is a serious stigma regarding our ability to discuss our health disorders/illness without be sympathized about it.
When people tell us what it is they suffer with, there can very nearly be a trigger within us to respond with immediate sympathy. Or, if we harbor negative opinions of that person, our internal reaction may be negatively geared towards the suspicion that they must be asking to be pitied for their ailment.
Once, my friend shared with me a very harrowing diagnosis she had received a few weeks before, and my first reaction was to say, "OMG I'm so so sorry!!!" but she looked me coldly in the eye and told me not to apologize, that she hates sympathy, that it pisses her off, that it feels demeaning.
I'll be short with this because it's an entirely different dialogue, but these days when I speak with my friends who are suffering from whatever illness and they tell me about it, I like to ask what it is they want from me.
"Would you like my love?"
"Would you like to tell me more about it and I just listen?"
"Do you just want me to know about this illness?"
Do you see where I'm going? There's a huge stigma intertwining health problems with pity:
oh, someone must just be asking for it, or
oh the poor thing wants me to give it to them, no doubt. Sometimes people don't discuss their illnesses to receive pity or to be pitied. Sometimes they discuss their illness to make people aware of it. Sometimes they discuss their illness to explain behavior they may exhibit. To inform others of what that illness entails. And sometimes they speak about their illness to make others aware of the importance of living their lives in the best possible ways.
So I hope you understand why I hesitate to agree that there are notes of "pity me" in Bianca's video. I'm trying to respect and trust the theme she is presenting to me, because not doing that could potentially be a dangerous breed of erasure. Does that make sense?
xxx
btw I’m pissed at a wedding typing this in the toilet ha ha … classy me 
seems so much more suited to IG with his deep love of family and quiet nature. I hope that they are both looking after and supporting each other in this time, while the swivel-eyed loon spontaneously combusts and disappears up her own arse.
