I have been thinking about this all day unfortunately. Not in an over invested way but really looking at myself as a parent. I am not perfect and I have done and said things I regret. I know I over compensate for these things some times - words said out of tiredness and frustration to my kids, I will apologise. I always try to be there even when I don’t want to, giving endless lifts when I don’t have time and listening to annoying diatribes about their mates and giving advice they won’t listen to.
Some years ago I had to make a decision about one of my children whether to support a decision they wanted to make, which I knew would cause upset to someone else (their dad). We talked and talked and once I was satisfied my child understood the implications (consequences I suppose) of their decision (to stop seeing their father) I said I would support them then we set about how to broach it. I told my child that although I understood how they felt, their father was going to be upset and there was no reason to be unkind about the situation and they needed to deal with it with empathy. It was not a nice conversation to have and I tried to stay neutral but supportive of both. Thankfully they now have an ok relationship - it’s not amazing, or close, but it’s not totally ruined.
I feel proud of that. I do wish Alice knew how that felt, to feel proud of handling something with dignity and respect. To know you did the right thing being kind to everyone involved. To do things you don’t want to do, and putting yourself aside to do it. It’s a nice feeling. I think she is addicted to bad feelings. Not just the drama of it, because that’s tiring, but to negativity and these strong emotions. She never really feels anything neutral or on the fence and she’s so proud of this. She thinks it’s her strength. She believes she is a strong, ballsy kind of gal who takes life by the horns. This is why she cannot back down she cannot show weakness. To her this is the ultimate worst thing, to be weak. She claims vulnerability but she has a literal fortress of anger around her at all times. The kids can’t even really get through it. She doesn’t even fear being alone as much As she fears… losing a battle. Saying she fears being alone is just a manipulation tactic she uses on people to get them to do what she wants. She has those kids on a knife edge, feeling responsible for her