Heartbreak.

[BettyCrockerr]

thank you we were only seeing each other a couple of months but I had the best time and, before he realised all this on the weekend (all happened pretty abruptly) we had nothing but an amazing and really lovely time together. I think he panicked but ultimately I do really miss hearing from him as I think things could’ve been great

Honestly you are better off out of it. He’s still got feelings for his ex, it would never have ended well, he would have done you dirty and dropped you for her eventually. You are better off out of it now before you got in deeper. It sucks but you’ll be ok - give yourself a week or so to feel a bit crap, watch some films, have a few drinks etc and then pick yourself up and crack on.
what’s for you won’t go by you, just remember that x

 

[Pinkblush]

Sorry to hear you're going through such a horrendous time. How recent was it? It might be that his actions are a knee jerk reaction to the stress of something going in his end and once he calms down he'll see the error of his ways and get back in touch. Especially as he told you just hours before he loved and missed you. I don't see there being someone else as we're all in quarrantine. The abruptness of it tells me it isn't anything you did but something his end has made him snap.

 

[under the ivy]

It’s coming up to a year since I got dumped. I didn’t think I’d feel this way looking back - I’m not 100%, no where near. But I’d say I’m almost there - I don’t get the pangs of missing him as much anymore, if anything it’s gone from ‘I need him’ to ‘Why did I need him?’. Grieving and healing isn’t a linear process so just take your time and you do you.

I’m looking forward to what this year brings in terms of lockdown hopefully ending and being able to get out and socialise. I really don’t want to date and I’m really happy I have that choice back in my life to focus on myself.

 

[Imonlyme]

I know a few men who up and leave women as they are 'bored' even if they have kids. If I ever became a father (not looking likely now) I would move heaven and earth to keep the relationship together.

I'm not someone who believes that people should stay together just because they have kids with someone. If you're unhappy then it's best for everyone involved, kids included that you part ways. But do it in an honourable fashion. Don't just up and leave because you're bored.

Every relationship goes through it's ups and downs, and every now and then someone might get bored. But you talk about it. Air your feelings like a grown up and discuss together how you can make things better. For a relationship to be truly successful, everyone involved has to learn how to compromise and meet in the middle with situations. And after that If you're the only one making the sacrifices and the only one putting in the effort, then you walk away for your own sanity, but like I said, do it in a caring way.

I speak from experience here because I've had an ex up and leave suddenly and with no warning while I was out. I came back to find him gone. No talk beforehand, no note waiting for me and no reply to a text asking what had happened. It was devastating and something I will never forget. Now when I look back I just realise what a coward he was and I 100% know I'm better off without him.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

With respect I am not replying to you for a reason

Marvellous. Don’t reply, I’m not particularly fussed. Doesn’t change the fact that what I’m saying is right.
Your pissed off with me because I’m not telling you what you want to hear. I get it. What you are completely missing though is that I’m actually trying to get you to see what really going on here; I am actually trying to help you. Like it or not. I will not lie to you or pretend it’s all sunshine & rainbows - and maybe one day when you’ve realised your own worth and are in a really great relationship with an amazing guy who actually gives a shit you will realise it.

 

[HarJR289]

That’s what I’m dealing with the lack of closure. How could he have loved me to end it so easy.

 

[Shinythings]

Exact same thing happened to me, even down to finding the valentines card. It was fucking awful. You're right, there is always someone else, even when they say there isn't. Your gut is rarely wrong.

I'm the same in that I don't think I will ever 100% trust someone else (even my current partner) and I can only rely on myself. I'm very protective over everything I own and money etc because I don't want to be left in the shit ever again. These days I just pity my ex - I had to start over and build myself up again whereas he's just coasted along in life. It won't always be that way though and karma will come for him!

Mad isn't it? For a long time I struggled with the fact that he completely devastated my life and it seemed so unfair I was in so much pain and had lost so much whilst he was just on to the next girl, having lost nothing. But such is life. I hope one day karma hits but I just don't care anymore. Being happy is the best revenge.

 

[Lovethesun]

^ this. I think I still have my ex on Facebook but I deleted it just cos I can’t bare the thought of seeing someone comment on his pics, posts or even the in a relationship status! It literally makes me feel ill. My mum said “oh your dads got him on Facebook so I’ll have a look to see he’s posted anything.” I said please don’t I really don’t want to know and I can’t bare the thought of you seeing something and having to hide it from me or feeling like you have tell me to let me down gently. I’d rather just assume the worse (he’s got married and madly in love or something) and cope that way than instead of being told anything.

yea my friend still follows my ex on Instagram & I said to her if she ever sees anything of him with another girl just don’t tell me . I said as much as you’d want too I just don’t want to know

 

[Eyerollbrainache]

Sorry if that’s how it comes across but im
Not going to just pretend that it’s perfectly ok for men to just walk out of long term relationships, fanny around doing whatever they fancy, treat women like dog crap, string women along and just generally act like absolute arseholes while the women sit back telling each other that “it’s all
Going to be ok/he will come back/I’m sure he loves you” etc etc etc - ive seen too many good women absolutely destroyed by men who clearly do not give a shit! Stop putting the power into the hands of men - men who show by their actions that they don’t care!!

Regarding the asshat who is using his religion to string someone along..... no. That’s madness “oh I love you but we can NEVER be together because of “god” yknow so...... but I love you..... and I will continue to play with your emotions forever more and never allow you to move on and be happy BECAUSE I LOVE YOU” - nah mate. That’s called gaslighting & coercive control - and it’s bullshit.

But no one is saying its OK. No one is pretending its fine. No one said let him treat you like crap. You can say 'not my intention' but you're pushing your strong feelings about how someone else should move on.

If you can't be empathic and just listen, then maybe leave the thread because sometimes when shit things happen to people, they just want to feel shit for a while and moan about feeling shit.

No one has said they will place their lives on hold or put these men on pedestals. However, it's not helpful saying 'well when will you move on' because when you are truly in the thick of the shit and sad you can't imagine that day happening.

It's fine to not have a plan when your heart broken, especially just 6 weeks in. It's fine to worry about someone else mental health. It's ok to not be ok sometimes.

And as for the religious part; that really sucks. It's hard and heartbreaking but making out that's he's some narcissist who's manipulating the situation doesn't help. It's just a shit situation and two people who love each other are sad right now. Again, very fresh and they are expressing that they love each other and it hurts still. He won't change his religion, and she won't but that doesn't mean they can't be fucking sad. It's not always a game or 'stringing someone along'. This thread is a place to talk about your sadness and heartbreak. Not dictate how people should move on and act like 'I am woman, hear me roar'. Maybe a few more months down the line, out of a lockdown it would be helpful but for now, that's not the reality of the fresh heartbreak on this thread.

 

[ClockworkDolly]

I just recently got dumped by my partner who I’ve been with for 4 years. Somebody on another thread gave me the idea of starting this one to vent and let it all out, and also invite anyone else to do the same if they’re going through a breakup, or just to share stories of older breakups and heartbreak.

My story: long distance relationship, him in Florida and me here in the UK. I’ve been flying over regularly for the past 4 years, I’m close with his family and practically a step mum to his 3 children. Love of my life etc...then the pandemic hit and borders closed. I haven’t been allowed into the US since March 2020, last time I saw him was just before that. I fully believe partner exemptions should have been allowed with testing and quarantine and I wouldn’t be in this mess but that’s another rant.

We held on and held on with FaceTime etc, then we decided I’d go via a third country (Mexico) and he would pay, but my flight was cancelled, and when I went to rebook it he completely unexpectedly told me not to bother and that he was done with our relationship. It hit me like a freight train, there’d been no signs this was coming at all. In fact he told me he loved me and missed me just hours before. I tried to reason with him and then he decided to block me on everything which was another huge blow. I feel like my world has ended, I haven’t eaten or slept since. My life was there with him and he’s taken it away and I don’t know what to do.

Sorry that was so long. Please feel free to share your stories and any advice for this absolute hell I feel right now

Blocking you, what a heartless action for him to take. However, my advice is to also block him, that way you won’t be checking your phone every five minutes and this is what we all do when we are dumped, we hang on to the crumbs of a relationship, hoping and praying they will change their mind. This for you would be taking back some control, because at the moment he has all of the power over you. He is playing the puppet master. I know that you are heartbroken and I know that if he was to appear in front of you that you would most likely forgive his behaviour, but at least by blocking him, he cannot contact you. That is your first step to healing.

Sorry to sound harsh, but in this case, I would be very surprised if he does come back to you. It sounds as though the knock-on effects from the pandemic have been just the excuse he may have needed to sever your relationship.

In my experience, men can often tell you that they love you, they miss you, etc and then go and do something which completely negates all of that! They’re strange creatures and especially when they cannot be open about their feelings.

Splitting up/being dumped is like a bereavement. You cannot function properly and because he has not given you any reasons for his behaviour, you will be forever asking yourself why.

Take little steps each day and reward yourself with something which makes you feel good. Build your self-esteem back up, nurture you.

Trust me, one day, you will have moved on so far, he will be a distant memory.

 

[Imonlyme]

the way you let yourself be treated sets the tone for how your child will allow themselves to be treated and treat others. my mom never left my dad and I regret it because there is no baseline for a good relationship in my eyes. If you can't do it for yourself because of love and other real-life complications that make you feel like it's not worth it - consider doing it for your child. Regardless of how your partner is as a parent, they are equally obligated to be a good partner so that your child has the best surroundings to help them grow into a self-respecting and confident adult.

Agree with this. I grew up watching a very complicated and toxic relationship between my parents and while it's easy to say that we won't end up like our mothers, staying in bad relationships, inevitably a lot of us do.

What we grow up seeing affects us one way or another. As a teenager, watching my mother go through shit constantly was so hard on me and I swore I would never allow a man to hurt me they way she had been hurt. But I ended up in a seriously toxic and physically abusive relationship at 22. It was horrendous and caused me to have up to 12 panic attacks a day that would sometimes last for hours at a time. I tried to leave many times and was coerced and shamed by his family into taking him back time and time again. We had a child together and he would often threaten to kidnap her and run off abroad with her so I couldn't get her back. (He had family abroad so this was completely plausible - and they would and did try to help him do something like this once)

I eventually got help for my panic attacks and finally found the strength and courage to leave him for good. I wound up with PTSD relating to that relationship but didn't know it at the time.

A few years later I met a guy I thought was "the one" he was everything I thought I was looking for. He turned out to be a complete arsehole who mentally and emotionally abused me. My poor kids watched me go through hell. I tried to hide it from them, but kids have a way of picking up on these things. That relationship contributed and triggered my PTSD to which I'm still healing from 7 years later.

I prayed that the cycle of toxic bad relationships ended with me, but it didn't. My oldest daughter (in her early 20's) ended up in a toxic relationship for a few years. I noticed the signs in her straight away having been through it myself. I tried to gently talk to her about it but she denied everything and said their relationship was fine. Even snapped at me a few times when I would check if she was okay. But during the lockdowns last year it became harder for her to hide the shit her boyfriend was putting her through. They couldn't see each other and he was horrible to her and gave cruel ultimatum after ultimatum to her that ended up causing a lot of chaos in our house. Eventually, the boy dumped my daughter and she was heartbroken and even blamed me. But I could see through it all. That it was just a game to him to get his way.

Thankfully, my daughter eventually stopped giving into his cruel games and finally opened up to me about their entire relationship and how he had treated her and it absolutely crushed me. I felt like it was somehow my fault because I had never shown her what a healthy relationship is all about. I hadn't shown her with my actions all the shit you shouldn't accept when part of a couple. I didn't properly teach her to know the true value of her own worth. I've always casually talked to my daughters about red flags when dating, but now it's a constant conversation in my house. I make sure my girls know to hit the road the very moment a guy shows them who he really is. I drum it into them now that instead of 3 strikes and you're out. It's no strikes.

Sorry for such a long post I just feel like more women need to see and completely know and respect their own self worth. Never ever put aside your morals or gut instinct to appease a man or a woman for that matter, because I know some women can be just as bad when it comes to toxic behaviour. Women need to speak up more when they see shitty behaviour within their own relationships and those of others because sometimes a woman can be in a toxic situation without even realising it. We need to break the cycle once and for all of women just sitting back and accepting whatever shit a man offers. It's 2021 and time for a change in what we women are willing to accept when it comes to relationships. It's time for us to get the respect we all deserve.

Okay, rant over. Sorry.

 

[Imonlyme]

That's the thing - he is my life. I know that's not healthy but I was never happy before him. If I lose him I've lost everything.

I know you feel that way, but you haven't lost everything because you still have you. You're giving this man full control of your life and your emotions and that isn't healthy.

To be honest, I think it's probably better for you if you don't get back with your husband right now. I think you have to have some time to work out what you want from life and what makes you happy aside from him.

It isn't good to have your entire life be about someone else, your needs and wants are just as important as his. He has left you without any consideration for how it's made you feel, so why should you care about him and what he's going through? I'm betting your sister has said the same to you about this.

If your husband knows you well then he will know exactly how you're feeling and he will have seen the effect all of this has had on you and he still hasn't bothered to check on you. That speaks volumes. He's looking after number 1, and it's time for you to do the same.

I've been in a position before where I put a guys needs ahead of my own and it didn't work out well for me. I ended up feeling so lost and hurt and just not knowing what to do, so I do understand where you're coming from. But eventually I had to think of myself and it was the best thing I ever done. Trust me, things will get better for you.

 

[Scorpihoe]

Yes, agree but he doesnt want to be with me without me being Muslim, his family really liked me etc & he doesnt feel a cultural reason. I spoke about compromise etc. I think its fear that i will be a bad influence. But i guess who knows, we never know inside someones mind/rational.. Thanks for the kind words

Hi Lolly I hope you’re okay! I thought I could offer some insight as a Muslim (just by name, not religious whatsoever, but some of my family members have married women who converted).

So my uncle fell in love with a Christian woman (he actually left his Muslim wife and kids for her). She converted and they married and had more kids... she only converted to marry him and is Muslim “by name”, she still drinks, doesn’t follow the religion etc (no judgement at all! It’s her life). But my uncle isn’t religious either. Not sure if your ex is like this, but bare in mind, if he is religious, if you converted he may try and make you become more religious slowly over time, which is not fair (through fasting, dressing conservatively etc).

Also men in Islam are allowed to marry “people of the book” (Christians, Jewish people, and one more I can’t remember?). So technically it’s fine if he marries you and says you are Christian, but often Muslim families will try and get the girl to convert due to fear of stigmatism from others.

All I’m going to say is, do what makes you happy. Don’t change yourself if you aren’t comfortable or don’t want to, and look after yourself first. The cultural aspect is very hard to adapt to. If you need anything I’m here x

 

[Eyerollbrainache]

I'm really not OK. I'm worried about my husband. I know you'll all say I should be worried about myself but I am concerned about his mental health. I'm worried about me too. I didn't leave the house yesterday, I'm struggling to do anything so far today. My work is suffering. I am physically and mentally exhausted. When I do sleep I feel worse, I wake up and immediately check his side of the bed to see if it was all a bad dream. I don't know what to do.

I wish we could help. The only thing that's going to help right now is looking after you.

You don't need to worry about your husbands MH - he's an adult who can look after himself. You need to look after you. He's caused you unimaginable pain and hasn't tried to check your ok. Please look after yourself I know you've said you haven't told people but if you start, then they can support you. The house etc is a big worry too and if you can have people on your team who can support you then it's a shared worry and that helps. Xx

 

[HarJR289]

Block them , this is what I did . The thought of a picture of him popping up with a new girl made me feel physically sick

^ this. I think I still have my ex on Facebook but I deleted it just cos I can’t bare the thought of seeing someone comment on his pics, posts or even the in a relationship status! It literally makes me feel ill. My mum said “oh your dads got him on Facebook so I’ll have a look to see he’s posted anything.” I said please don’t I really don’t want to know and I can’t bare the thought of you seeing something and having to hide it from me or feeling like you have tell me to let me down gently. I’d rather just assume the worse (he’s got married and madly in love or something) and cope that way than instead of being told anything.

 

[Imonlyme]

Did he explain why he ended it the way he did? Did you explain exactly how that’s made you feel? How you’ve been feeling over the last few weeks because of his behaviour?

Sorry but it’s all about him. Again. How HE feels. How HE needed to end it. What’s going on in HIS head. How bad HIS mental state is.

please. Don’t fall for this rubbish. He will carry on like this now for months or more if you allow it. He will pick you up and drop you whenever he feels like it and he knows that you’ll be there and all he has to say is “oh I’m sorry I need some space but I do still love you so yeah yknow, il be back in contact whenever I feel like it” - it’s not good enough. Or at least it wouldn’t be for me.

where do you stand now? You’re in limbo again. Waiting. For him. Again.

you are worth more than this, I wish you could see that. X

Agree! He's decided for them to keep talking for now and over the next few months to see where it goes. And I could be wrong here, but it sounds like she is willing, if able, to jump on a plane to him.

What about him being the one to make the grand gesture since it was him that walked away and broke her heart?

Sounds like it's all about him and what he needs, regardless of what she's been going through since he ended it. I don't mean this to sound bad, but she needs to be careful that she's not becoming his comfort blanket, cause that sort of relationship will never work.

Obviously, at the end of the day it's her decision what she does and if she takes him back, but it sounds like she hasn't laid any of her own boundaries which is a dangerous thing not to do. He needs to know what he's done to her and how it impacted her life.

Personally, I think she deserves better than the explanation he's given. We all go through tough and challenging times, but that's no excuse for hurting someone in the abrupt and cruel way he did. Sorry, but that's just my opinion.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Thanks for your comments.. when he says wait forever he means for me to convert. Which I definitely dont want

And why should you even consider converting when clearly it’s not something he would consider himself. Actions speak louder than words and I’m sorry but if he wanted to be in the relationship he’d be doing all he could.

 

[gigi_93]

I deleted all my social media after he blocked me. I felt a weird sense of shame in being blocked, so I just deleted everything. Trying really hard not to look from a browser though, despite knowing how I’ll feel if I see him moving on in any sense. I feel so so pathetic! He didn’t let me get any closure. I’m wondering constantly what he has told the kids wish I could hate him!

 

[Platformcrocs]

Thank you for sharing your story. That must have been awful to have to stay living together in that situation.

I know everyone says it gets easier but at the moment I genuinely feel like my life is over. He's my family and my best friend. I feel so alone and like my future has been taken from me. This probably sounds so pathetic but I really can't see it any other way.

It's not pathetic at all. I really wanted to be strong and you know, listen to angry breakup songs and eat ice cream but the reality is so different. It's not just the breakup, it's what comes with it - uprooting your life, money worries, your future, everything. I'd spent so much time with one person I didn't really know what my interests were, which sounds silly but I didn't have any hobbies of my own to throw myself into.

For me the hardest thing was seeing the person I love seemingly change overnight. A breakup is hard but it's even worse when it's out of the blue. There were no blazing rows, it just happened. I was so hurt because he didn't want to try. He was happy to let the 5+ years go. I always wondered if I should have done more, or maybe I could have made more effort, etc, but there was nothing I could do.

I know it's easy to say but time is a healer and you will look back in a years time and see how far you've come. In the early days, it's about trying to get through the day. It's especially hard just now given lockdown. We're always here if you need to get it something off your chest

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I’d had a gut feeling for a while and already checked his phone when he was asleep, this one particular night I couldn’t sleep the gut instinct was so strong and I reasoned with my self if I find nothing I’ll fall asleep and I checked his deleted pics (on iPhone) and then slowly I could feel my blood running cold, I woke him up and said how many times did you sleep with “name” I honestly expected him to say he didn’t and he said 3 times, I told him he was out by 8am (this was 3am). Some days were a normal couple and other days I honestly think of leaving. He’s the type you’d never ever expect it from everyone was as shocked as me.

If you hadn’t checked his phone, he would have carried on. It wasn’t a drunken fumble or one off mistake, it was deliberate infidelity and deceit. You’ve taken him back and honestly, if he’s done it once and you’ve essentially forgiven him and taken him back he will do it to you again.