Heartbreak.

[bodycheckedout]

Agree with this. I grew up watching a very complicated and toxic relationship between my parents and while it's easy to say that we won't end up like our mothers, staying in bad relationships, inevitably a lot of us do.

What we grow up seeing affects us one way or another. As a teenager, watching my mother go through shit constantly was so hard on me and I swore I would never allow a man to hurt me they way she had been hurt. But I ended up in a seriously toxic and physically abusive relationship at 22. It was horrendous and caused me to have up to 12 panic attacks a day that would sometimes last for hours at a time. I tried to leave many times and was coerced and shamed by his family into taking him back time and time again. We had a child together and he would often threaten to kidnap her and run off abroad with her so I couldn't get her back. (He had family abroad so this was completely plausible - and they would and did try to help him do something like this once)

I eventually got help for my panic attacks and finally found the strength and courage to leave him for good. I wound up with PTSD relating to that relationship but didn't know it at the time.

A few years later I met a guy I thought was "the one" he was everything I thought I was looking for. He turned out to be a complete arsehole who mentally and emotionally abused me. My poor kids watched me go through hell. I tried to hide it from them, but kids have a way of picking up on these things. That relationship contributed and triggered my PTSD to which I'm still healing from 7 years later.

I prayed that the cycle of toxic bad relationships ended with me, but it didn't. My oldest daughter (in her early 20's) ended up in a toxic relationship for a few years. I noticed the signs in her straight away having been through it myself. I tried to gently talk to her about it but she denied everything and said their relationship was fine. Even snapped at me a few times when I would check if she was okay. But during the lockdowns last year it became harder for her to hide the shit her boyfriend was putting her through. They couldn't see each other and he was horrible to her and gave cruel ultimatum after ultimatum to her that ended up causing a lot of chaos in our house. Eventually, the boy dumped my daughter and she was heartbroken and even blamed me. But I could see through it all. That it was just a game to him to get his way.

Thankfully, my daughter eventually stopped giving into his cruel games and finally opened up to me about their entire relationship and how he had treated her and it absolutely crushed me. I felt like it was somehow my fault because I had never shown her what a healthy relationship is all about. I hadn't shown her with my actions all the shit you shouldn't accept when part of a couple. I didn't properly teach her to know the true value of her own worth. I've always casually talked to my daughters about red flags when dating, but now it's a constant conversation in my house. I make sure my girls know to hit the road the very moment a guy shows them who he really is. I drum it into them now that instead of 3 strikes and you're out. It's no strikes.

Sorry for such a long post I just feel like more women need to see and completely know and respect their own self worth. Never ever put aside your morals or gut instinct to appease a man or a woman for that matter, because I know some women can be just as bad when it comes to toxic behaviour. Women need to speak up more when they see shitty behaviour within their own relationships and those of others because sometimes a woman can be in a toxic situation without even realising it. We need to break the cycle once and for all of women just sitting back and accepting whatever shit a man offers. It's 2021 and time for a change in what we women are willing to accept when it comes to relationships. It's time for us to get the respect we all deserve.

Okay, rant over. Sorry.

Echoing everything you said. I read through this entire topic and I notice a pattern of lack of self-respect. I understand I don't know any of your relationships and situations (especially when the topic is marriage), but a lot of times we put up with things because of love and time and the existing connection. Often you will hear "everything was perfect besides this!" but was it? Or was it just what you knew to be good or common? The time you put in the relationship isn't wasted, it starts being wasted the moment you end your grieving and begin holding out for someone not willing to hold out on leaving you and communicate what they feel first. You would never put someone else through that, especially someone you care about, so why are you willing to do it to yourself?

No matter how much you love your partner, love yourself more.

 

[gigi_93]

It's not pathetic at all. I really wanted to be strong and you know, listen to angry breakup songs and eat ice cream but the reality is so different. It's not just the breakup, it's what comes with it - uprooting your life, money worries, your future, everything. I'd spent so much time with one person I didn't really know what my interests were, which sounds silly but I didn't have any hobbies of my own to throw myself into.

For me the hardest thing was seeing the person I love seemingly change overnight. A breakup is hard but it's even worse when it's out of the blue. There were no blazing rows, it just happened. I was so hurt because he didn't want to try. He was happy to let the 5+ years go. I always wondered if I should have done more, or maybe I could have made more effort, etc, but there was nothing I could do.

I know it's easy to say but time is a healer and you will look back in a years time and see how far you've come. In the early days, it's about trying to get through the day. It's especially hard just now given lockdown. We're always here if you need to get it something off your chest

I relate so so much to the out of the blue thing. It made me feel like I’d been hit by a train. No arguments or fights or tension whatsoever leading up to it, so I did not expect it even a little bit. In fact all I’d had from him were reassurances that the forced separation wouldn’t break us. And I trusted him.

I seem to be feeling worse as the days go by because I miss him more every day, not less. I’m wondering if and when that will change. I put on an extremely brave face in my everyday life but it’s all fake.

Sending all my love to everyone who has posted, as always. Feel free to check in

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thanks all We’ve had a bumpy past few months (him packing and leaving - taking me by total surprise) saying he no longer wanted the same things (kids, big house etc) but after 3 weeks and lots of talking came back. He had another wobble in February but didn’t actually leave, and today I suspected he had packed some things. He said he was only thinking about it and if I hadn’t confronted him he wouldn’t have left! We are having very minimal chat at the moment, mostly agreeing what we do with the house and our dog, but I feel like he’s yet again made a rash decision and will be back begging forgiveness for his bad judgement soon. He was really weird about me asking him to cancel our summer holiday which makes me think he sees this as a reversible thing? It’s such a headf*ck


Thank you so much - much as it’s obvious awful for you and I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone, it’s really comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this x

Why do you keep letting him do this to you? He is treating you like shit and you keep taking him back. He’s going to keep doing this, he’s going to keep running off as & when he pleases, completely wrecking your head in the process and causing no end of heartache until one day he will leave and never return. Don’t allow yourself to be used like this by a guy who clearly has no idea what he wants.

Hi everyone, hoping someone has a word of wisdom as all I’ve got is my mum and she’s as blunt as a spoon.

Been with someone for 5 months which I know isn’t long but until this week, we were talking about future stuff like moving to where he lives once my daughter finishes exams. He recently moved back to his hometown, three hours away and we have seen each other every other weekend, always him travelling here as he’s currently at his mum’s while he looks for a house to buy.

He left here on Sunday PM and by that evening I had ‘the feeling’ something was off. You know when nothing has HAPPENED but you just feel something isn’t right. I called him out and he said it was fine. Since Monday we’ve spoken for one whole hour. Normally we speak all the time, he’ll even call me for 2 mins just when he’s driving from one side of the base to the other. Texts when we can as we both work and then lots of ‘I’m missing you/can’t wait to see you’ etc. Nothing.

Then on Wednesday I heard nothing for 5 hours, which I know sounds crazy that that’s even a problem but compared to the usual comms, that was genuinely worrying. Had a quick phone call argument. Continued on to Thurs.

Asked him today if he was still coming up this weekend as planned and he didn’t answer yes or no, just said he’s feeling shit about this week. What a surprise. I 100% know something is off, but I also know I look psychopathic saying it when technically he’s not done anything except ignored me for a few hours. I genuinely thought that he was going to drop the L bomb soon as we’ve been so close and things WERE perfect. Not sure what could have changed.

Scared that when we do talk tonight, he will say it’s my fault for being weird and ‘dragging it on’ when I know Sunday was the day my spidey senses began tingling. My mum says, tell him to be honest and if he’s not feeling it anymore, so be it, end it. That’s fine but how can someone go from one day looking at the price of houses to saying, ‘seeing each other 4 days a month isn’t a lot, is it?’ Is it me being crazy?

He’s got someone else.
Mark my words. There’s someone else involved. I’d put money on it being someone from his past or someone he’s known a while. He’s probably been in contact with her/has met up with her.

5 months isn’t a long time. It’s far too early in any relationship to be thinking about uprooting your life and your daughters life to move to be near him, with respect you hardly know him.

you know in your gut that something is off. So get out of this now before you get in any deeper.

 

[gigi_93]

Girls I can’t thank you all enough for opening up, sharing stories and offering advice. I didn’t expect so many replies and I’ve been reading everything. If anyone ever wants to DM me to chat feel free.

Being blocked really is awful. I just want to ask how the kids who I love to bits are doing. It’s only been five days but I kind of hoped he would have said something by now, if only to apologise for blocking me. Why isn’t he missing me?? Wishful thinking.

 

[under the ivy]

I know how you feel @LateG0ssiper, every time I go out now all I seem to see are couples holding hands, walking around I lived with my ex but I moved out when he dumped me. I registered with a dentist near his house... not thinking we would split up and it's in walking distance from his house. I've got an appointment there next week as coming across a dentist that allows new patients is rare these days. I am dreading it! Going down the roads I used to walk down when I lived with him, I'm terrified of bumping into him

I know he doesn't own the suburb of the city we both live in but it will be first time I'm going there after almost a year.

 

[blondelolita]

My loves I feel for you all, heartbreak is a killer.
My ex dumped me out of the blue when he got another job, then I stupidly waited for him and gave in a months later. Months down the line he did it again, I tried to force closure and honestly it wasn‘t worth it because all he did was lie! Harsh as it sounds, even if they do respond, sometimes that in itself doesn’t help. He blocked me after, then unblocked a few months later.

Best thing I did was finding someone else and blocking him. It’s years ago now and he’s still blocked, and I don’t ever think about unblocking cause simply, I don’t give a shit what he’s doing, fucking abusive piece

If you had told me when I was heartbroken that I would’ve had the strength to block him and never think of him again I wouldn’t have believed you, but hard as this sounds it does get better - I can’t even imagine how lonely it must feel with the state of the world at the moment too. Lotsa love to all

 

[PepsiCherry]

I deleted all my social media after he blocked me. I felt a weird sense of shame in being blocked, so I just deleted everything. Trying really hard not to look from a browser though, despite knowing how I’ll feel if I see him moving on in any sense. I feel so so pathetic! He didn’t let me get any closure. I’m wondering constantly what he has told the kids wish I could hate him!

Let me tell ya when my ex I adored dumped me out of nowhere I was shell shocked. Didnt eat for weeks. When I met up with him he told me he couldn't deal with the fact that I didn't have anxiety anymore and I was independent.

Everything happens for a reason. And trust me, you will feel 10000000 times better by month 3.

And also you'll never take any shit or settle for anything less than you deserve xx

Had a much better sleep last night thankfully - I always wake up feeling really sad but I’m also trying to see the positive in me being able to have a decent amount of sleep. I think today I am going to try and sort some bits out in the house, pack his remaining things into boxes and try and make the house feel a bit more like my own ie not pictures of us together all over the place also going to temporarily deactivate my Facebook and Instagram as all I’m seeing is happy families hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday morning

Why don't you save anything you want from insta or fb and make a fresh one ? You can block him and his mates and start fresh! X

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Big hugs. Don't let him make you into a yoyo while he tries to decide what he wants.

Agree. Don’t allow him to call all the shots. It’s hard to give advice without knowing that much but if he’s backed out of the relationship then don’t allow him to fuck you around going forwards. He’s either in or out - don’t put up with any “I need some time/it’s not you it’s me/I need a break” bullshit.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I was heartbroken at the end of 2019 and into 2020. It was only when lockdown hit that I started to feel better but it taught me so much.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you, it’s ok though really. Nothing would ever make me question how real my relationship was and how much love was there.

Re-read your first post on this thread.

He ended the relationship without any hesitation, warning or consideration for you or how you felt. He didn’t discuss his feelings at all with you, didn’t communicate with you that he wanted out other than to tell you he was over it. He then blocked you so that you couldn’t contact him.

wake up. Don’t waste your life and your love on someone who so easily disregards you and some who who blatantly doesn’t care for you to even check that you are ok?? That’s not how someone behaves if they love you and it’s awfully sad that you can’t see that.

 

[Eyerollbrainache]

@LateG0ssiper I really feel for you. Heartbreak is the most painful experience and it's being exasperated by the lockdown and isolation. I think that really honouring your feelings helps, when your sad it's ok to just be sad. Some times that's all we can do, and processing it is so much better than ignoring it.

I promise you one day you will feel better. I wish I could say something that hasn't already been said but it will get better. Xx

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I'm a man at 29 (Not that it has any bearing on this thread) and I'm starting to think Fatherhood is probably never going to happen for me. I know 29 is still a relatively young age, but I'm thinking in terms of me never being able to find a nice Woman to settle down with.

Lack of self confidence does to a person.

You are SO YOUNG!!!!!!!!!!! You could father children at any age. My Dad was 42 when I was born!!!!

 

[Gembo]

I think about this thread a lot. I remember the time I had my heart broken when a boyfriend broke up with me and it’s still up there as being on of the worst times of my life. It was so painful, it’s been very well put here that it’s a form of grief and I just want to hug you all. You will get through this and I know it’s nothing you want to hear or believe now but there may come a day that you are glad that it happened as it paved the way for you to meet the right person, that was definitely true for me and as much as it almost killed me at the time I’m glad my ex broke up with me as I wouldn’t have done all the things I’ve done if I’d stayed with him or met my now wonderful husband.

Ive also reflected on a relationship I ended that I know caused a lot of pain. I have felt awful reading your posts as I pretty much just cut him off. A friend told me that every time I spoke to him or agreed to meet I was dragging out his pain as I was getting his hopes up. I did do it with good intentions but I look back now and regret that I didn’t handle it better. I truly hope he’s happy now with someone else, I think he deserved better than who I was back then.

Love and healing to you all

 

[Reverend]

I remember my ex getting angry at me after we split up (she had ditched me for another guy, if you don't remember). We played in the same brass band, and she got angry at me because I didn't look at her once, and at the break she came steaming over to me, and demanded 'WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT ME!'.

With the benefit of hindsight I think she was wanting me to be at her beck and call, and be upset that she had ditched me.

 

[Imonlyme]

Thank you. We are due to have some work done early next month so maybe that's the time to speak about it. That gives me a week or so to get some more advice and try and think things through some more. It's so hard to think clearly at the moment, I'm still trying to work as much as I can but it's almost impossible to focus. I know I have to start putting myself first and that's exactly what I'd be telling anyone else in my situation but it's hard when you're used to being a couple and thinking of someone else all the time.

I know how you feel. Your life has been about putting someone and their needs ahead of your own for so long, you're stepping into new and unknown territory now that it's time to put yourself first and It might be scary, but that doesn't mean it can't be good. Just think how good it will feel to know you've done what you needed to do for yourself and managed to pull yourself out of a scary space.

I think you're doing the right thing giving yourself a week to get some advice so that you're armed with solid options and maybe not be forced to be so dependent on someone else. Your next moves are all about taking back the power and control over your own life, wellbeing and emotions. That doesn't mean you can't consider or think about your husband, but never feel the need to put his needs and wants ahead of your own.

I think you've done amazingly well since your break up and I honestly think you need to give yourself more credit and be proud of yourself for where you are right now. Even if it doesn't feel like you've made any progress, know that you have. Any step forward, however small is still a step in the right direction.

 

[gigi_93]

We are apparently going to “talk” at the weekend. I have no idea what he wants to talk about exactly. Or why. Feel like I’m going to court at the weekend or something

 

[Imonlyme]

I've actually been taking anti depressants for a month now, didn't like to say.

I hate to say it, but I think it sounds like you completely lost yourself within your relationship. It's hard, but I think you need to now try and get yourself back and work out what makes you happy.

There has to be something that makes you happy besides your relationship, you just don't know what it is yet. And because you've dedicated your entire life to your husband and relationship, you don't know what to do now that it's just you.

Restrictions are beginning to lift, so it would be a really good idea for you to get out and try new hobbies and activities that will help you discover what it is that you really want and need for yourself.

I'm so sorry that you're still going through it the way you are, but your feelings are all part of the process of moving on. Sometimes those feelings can wash over you suddenly and become completely unbearable, and then there are times where they're there, but just at the back of your mind where you're still able to get on with things. In the dark moments, you just have to remind yourself of those good moments, however few and fleeting they may be. Remind yourself that you've come this far without him and that you can do it.

Have you had any contact with your ex at all?

 

[Moe]

I think this is a really helpful thread for people going through heartache at the moment. I feel for you all.
It was a long time ago for me but I remember that gut wrenching feeling and I swear I actually felt physical pain.
You do move on and for some of us it takes a long time. I cried continually one night and when I eventually stopped I decided that was the last time I would ever cry over him again. I started going out and making an effort and met someone very soon after but that’s another story.
You look back many years later and think WTAF.
Cry your tears ladies get it out and come on here to talk. It does help. One so called friend called me obsessed maybe I was but I didn’t have many people to talk to and they got bored of listening to me so I think here is a good place to talk.
Sending you all love and you will emerge out of this and be much stronger xx

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I completely understand how you're feeling right now. I was in the same place almost 7 years ago. I couldn't eat or concentrate on anything and it took me a while to adjust.

I sought help from a counsellor because I couldn't cope with the gut wrenching feelings of loss and abandonment. It helped to just have someone impartial to speak to as I don't have any friends and family are not the kind of people who I can speak to about stuff.

My ex came crawling back again after walking out and I was stupid enough to take him back. Although, this time I didn't let him move back in. But that only made things with him even more difficult and after a while, the counselling helped me see that I was in a really toxic, abusive relationship. I'm not saying that you are, but maybe look into speaking to a professional about your feelings and situation.

Realising that I had fallen into another abusive relationship really threw me and it was a lot to process, but it made me look back over our entire relationship and eventually I realised that the signs were there from the very beginning. There were loads of red flags that somehow I hadn't seen.

Eventually, I began distancing myself from him until one day, I finally couldn't take it anymore and had a very triggering experience and was forced to completely shut the door with him. And while I'm still struggling with PTSD from being in 2 really abusive relationships, I know ending things with my ex was the best thing I could ever have done.

I know it's hard, especially because right now you don't really have answers or closure from your partner leaving, but you have to force yourself to keep busy. Do something that will occupy your mind, even if its only for 10 minutes. That's ten minutes you will have gone without thinking about him.

Take every hour as it comes. Don't try to think about tomorrow, or if he will come back. Just concentrate on now, this minute and what you can do for you that's going to help. That's what I did. You may well get back together, you may not. But right now you have to think of yourself just like he's thinking of himself.

It does get better, and with heartbreak, time really is a healer. It's time to put yourself first.

I do really appreciate your message. Thank you.

I've had another day of bursting into tears (at work). I have told one other person here (my boss already knows) and they are being very nice and understanding but I'm not sure it really helps. I have now been prescribed Propranolol, does anyone have any experience with this? I have so far been taking Diazepam a few time a day and something else for sleep (I forget the name) but have been told I can't continue with either as they can become addictive.

I still feel completely hopeless and am dreading going home and sleeping in that bed.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Its literally the worst time to go through a breakup. Even worse is he can do whatever he likes as Florida has no restrictions. For two weeks I’ve watched him go about his life on social media like nothing has happened and I don’t exist! :/ Did you get given a reason by him for doing it to you?

also has anyone got any tips to stop yourself stalking the shit out of their social media?? He may have blocked me but I can still see from a browser. I feel unhinged

The fact that he’s carrying on as normal as you say, as if you never existed tells you exactly where he stands on this whole situation. He’s done. He’s out. His actions are telling you exactly how he feels.

You need to just stop. It’s as simple as that. No one else can do or say anything that will force you to stop looking him up via a third party website but I think if you know in yourself that’s not really on and it’s a problem you need to just stop it. Honestly I think you need to step completely away from social media completely and start living your life for yourself. Start making plans for yourself. Look at things you want to do now that restrictions here are starting to ease. Reconnect with friends. Start a new hobby. Take up a sport.
just start focusing on yourself and your life and forget about some guy who’s not giving a shit.