Heartbreak.

[Imonlyme]

I do understand what everyone’s saying and not everyone would have done it the way I did and that’s okay. Yeah I was still in shock it shattered my whole life and maybe he did come back to quickly but it seemed the right thing to do at the time, the house is in both our names but I have family that would help me with another deposit/fees to rent again so I always have the option of moving on elsewhere. I have made myself very clear to him that if anything however small happens again that’s it we’re done. I mentioned yesterday to him maybe we should divorce because he shat all over our wedding vows. I’m not the pushover people may think I am. It’s so painful when the one person you’d go to for everything is the one causing your pain it’s confusing. He knows he’s on thin ice with me and I won’t tolerate anything else x

By the way, just to clarify I don't think you're a pushover. I think you're a woman who has been betrayed and hurt and put in an awful position. You made your wedding vows and meant them to be for life. He sadly, didn't do the same.

I'm glad you have a supportive family who are willing to help if needed. I understand what you mean about the pain of the one person you turn to being the one to cause you so much hurt. I've been there. My ex didn't cheat, but he did do something utterly betraying to me back in 2014. I remember that day like it was yesterday and that awful feeling like you've been emotionally kicked in the gut is absolutely excruciating and horrible to process.

About him coming back too soon. I understand why you made that decision with such haste. You wouldn't have been in your right mind at that particular time. First would have been the shock of finding out about the affair, then him being gone from the family home for that week. While im in no doubt you would have missed him while he was gone, you probably also felt confused and torn while beating yourself up for missing him after what he done. Your family, and the life you thought you had was blown to pieces in a matter of minutes and that alone would be hard to process.

I really do think you owe yourself some time apart to really come to grips with it all as the severity of the situation and betrayal is probably only really beginning to sink in now. Be kind to yourself and when in doubt, always think about it as if it's your best friend going through it. Think about what you would tell her. It might sound silly, but talking out loud to yourself in third person sometimes can actually help your mind to process information better and faster and give you more confidence.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I know that I've posted about this publicly and I do appreciate that people are trying to help but I just found that particular comment to be a bit insensitive as I said, even if it wasn't intended to be that way.

I think it was meant for as way of saying that after a break up you do at some stage start to move on with your life, and that your own happiness as an individual should be your focus rather than torturing yourself every day over what has ended. I don’t think there was any malice intended in the post.

 

[Imonlyme]

No one is telling them lies. There's a difference between letting people vent and talk about their sadness, or calling people's relationships shit/controlling/rubbish.

And I'm not deluded. I just believe in letting people express their feelings without shouting down their relationships. I haven't told anyone to give anyone a chance. I haven't given any false hope. I also haven't been harsh and told people to get over themselves. It's called just listening.



There's a difference between wasting your life away waiting for a man to come back and being 6 weeks out of a 11/13 year relationship and expressing that you are sad and struggling. This is a thread for heartbreak not' how to move on'. When that time comes, I'm sure the thread will change but while people are actively talking about the sadness and heartbreak 'pull your big girl knickers up' isn't going to help. Again, this isn't a toxic relationship thread. It's a heartbreak one. There's a difference.

Anyway, I cba to argue it. All I was saying is this isn't the current place and time to say to move on etc. No one has suggested anyone stay in a shit situation either.

At absolutely no point have I suggested for anyone to "put their big girl pants on" and neither did I say that she or anyone else couldn't be sad. I have suggested that she tries to accept that her relationship is over while going through her sadness. And that is just being realistic and smart.

Going through the hurt and sadness of heartbreak is one thing, but it is also a time where you have to be careful not to allow yourself to be in a position where you could be taken advantage of, which in the long run can be seriously damaging. Going through heartbreak is a stage of moving on whether you want to believe it or not. If a partner leaves you and says he's done, then you have no other option but to move on. You can't and shouldn't try to force a relationship to work that just isn't. That isn't love

Sure, it's sad when relationships end, but the reality is that sometimes they do end. Someone can love you for years then something in life or in them changes and then they just don't. It's harsh and completely devastating, but it's the truth of the matter.

If you're in a relationship where you just couldn't or can't cope mentally, physically or financially without them, then you have absolutely no business being in a relationship. That's dependency, not love.

By all means be with someone, but also make sure that you're comfortable being alone. You said this isn't a toxic relationship thread, but some of the posters on here have said things that show massive red flags of their situation being toxic. Should we just slide on past that and let a woman who may not even know she's being used or manipulated just carry on into a situation that could go horribly wrong? Or should we be grown ups and gently point out something she may not have realised? I know which side of the fence I'm sitting on when it comes to that. If I can do it, I will always try to steer a woman out of a toxic situation.

No one on here is arguing, we are all just making points. It's a public forum that allows us all to express our feelings and our thoughts.

 

[Wowitsme]

I was with my ex for 7 years from the age of 20. House, car, holidays, the whole thing. Thought we'd get married and have kids. Was really happy, rarely argued. Seemed a little off for a few weeks but blamed it on being busy at work which made sense for time of the year and industry he worked, but then he seemed himself again. Then one day out of the blue he just told me he was done. He didn't think our relationship was going anywhere and he didn't want to be with me anymore although he loved me. He had spoken about us starting a family and how it would work alongside our careers etc literally a few days before. Told me he was really excited to start a family.

So obviously I was completely blindsided. Heartbroken. Couldn't make sense of it all. No one saw it coming, his family and friends could not believe it. In fact I was the one that had to tell people because weeks had gone by and he hadn't told anyone. I thought he might have been having a breakdown, searched for any excuse as to why. Though in a couple of weeks he'd change his mind.

But no, he completely cut me off. Gave me 3 days to pack my things and leave, blocked my number, social media. I thought I'd done something for him to be so cold. I packed and I left, obviously there were a few lingering bits that needed to be sorted for a few weeks after.

About a month later I realised I'd left my passport in his cabinet so I organised through his parents to pop and get it and they let me in. There on top of his cabinet was a valentine's day card from his work colleague. The message in it, because obviously I looked, suggested something had been going on for a while. So that gave me some closure. He bare faced looked me in the eye and told me there was no one else. Liar.

So I think in hindsight, he met her at work, decided he wanted to jump ship, kept me strung along until he knew for certain it was a sure thing with her and then dropped me like the last 7 years meant fuck all. I've never seen or spoken to him since but through mutual friends I've heard he moved her in a few weeks after I left, became step-dad to her daughter, got engaged and had a kid together within the year. Still together as far as I know. So to say that left me with trust issues is an understatement. For a long I tried to understand why or how he could just drop me like that or why I wasn't good enough. They are answers you'll never know.

Fast forward several years and now I've been with my current partner 5 years and we're getting married in a couple of years. Life goes on. You move through it and you find happiness. I never thought I would at the time. I thought I'd never get over it. Granted its left me unable to trust anyone completely and I'm always waiting for it to happen again. The only thing I miss is having the money. He was incredibly successful and were very financially comfortable. But at least now everything I have is mine.

Funnily enough I've seen the same scenario play out with many people and there is ALWAYS someone else. Call it sexist, but i truly believe men do not leave long term relationships unless they have someone else ready to go. I'm yet to be proved wrong although there will be exceptions.

Something quite similar happened to me 10 years ago. I was 24 been with my partner about 6 years and I had a baby under a year. He left, within 2 months he was in a relationship living together. I was completely broken for a really long time. I didn’t date for around 3 years as I was never ready and I’m unsure of the reasons now but I’ve never been able to fully commit to a relationship since. I just focused on me, my child and my career since. It’s very strange.

 

[under the ivy]

Not kept up with this thread but hope everyone is managing to feel the best they can

When I met up with my ex in September it felt like a waste of time. I didn’t get any closure and it felt like a showing off exercise for my ex. I haven’t spoken to him since December (he text me happy Christmas I just text back the same to be civil). Since then he’s text me, emailed me, sent me a birthday card and I’ve blocked him everywhere. Just be cautious if you do talk to your ex, don’t let them back in after any progress you’ve made.

I saw this post on my Instagram earlier and it helped me:

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Well he’s just ditched me... mixed feelings, gutted it’s over as I was previously very happy. But I WAS FUCKING RIGHT! I knew it! He’ll be the one regretting it by tomorrow. I feel strangely happy that I was right, it wasn’t me being overly sensitive. He swears that no one else has contacted him or anything, and I do believe him but maybe I’m a gullible sap.

Don’t believe a word he says. He’s full of shit.

but it’s over. Don’t spend anymore time over thinking it. Don’t try to dissect it. Don’t stalk him on social media. Delete all his contact details, block him across all social media, draw a line under it now and move on with your own life. Don’t waste anymore of your time over him.

 

[gigi_93]

I’m so glad to see people say this thread has helped them. I felt a bit silly when I started it but it turned out to be a really good thing to do and has genuinely helped So many good people on here.

@GeorgeP123 I have thought about just getting on a plane, not gonna lie! I just couldn’t do it though. He’d probably just have me committed

 

[StrawberryCream]

That's so upsetting to read. I hope your mum is doing better now. I'll never understand how people can do this to their partners. It seems like a lot of people just can't be honest and communicate anymore.

She is doing better now although the last year with lockdown and being on her own has been hard, it took along time for her to go from heartbroken to then full of bitterness to acceptance but I think she’s finally there, she isn’t interested in meeting anyone else but she’s 52 and has 3 grown up children. I don’t understand how people can do it either, my dad is the last person I would have expected it from but it has made me realise that you can’t fully trust anyone.

 

[rebremm99]

With respect, they really aren’t.

I’ve experienced long distance relationships in the past and I’m sorry but it’s nothing at all like having a proper real life every day relationship with a partner that you live with or see every day, that you share a home with, that you share the responsibility of finances with, that you juggle a life with kids, work, outside relationships etc with

it’s really not the same. I’m not trying to belittle how you fee or anything like that but I can see that you are completely invested in something that’s just not there.

are you able to respond to my other points? Did he ever make the same effort to come to the UK to see you? In what way exactly were you a step parent to his children?

That’s extremely harsh and not fair. Long distance relationships are just as real and valid as any kind of relationship. Just because you don’t deem them so doesn’t make it true.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

He will do it all over again. Keep walking away.

 

[Oohthedrama]

Girls I can’t thank you all enough for opening up, sharing stories and offering advice. I didn’t expect so many replies and I’ve been reading everything. If anyone ever wants to DM me to chat feel free.

Being blocked really is awful. I just want to ask how the kids who I love to bits are doing. It’s only been five days but I kind of hoped he would have said something by now, if only to apologise for blocking me. Why isn’t he missing me?? Wishful thinking.

you used to post on the covid thread about your anxiousness to get back to visit, really sad to see it’s ended like this,
We could be in a very different world in 6 months time, focus on yourself, I’ve briefly read into what’s happening but it looks like he’s treated you like shit because of something out of your control, you don’t deserve that, walk away and let him do the chasing if he changes his mind, you deserve better.

 

[Bellaboo83]

Thank you all for your responses

I remember being where you guys are right now. It's the worst feeling in the world. My advice would be to be around supportive people, to journal your feelings, to make baby steps of progress and not push yourself. Be really kind and gentle to yourself, loads of self care and just go with the flow and don't beat yourself up for not getting out of pj's for 4 days or not loading the dishwasher or for not eating a decent meal. I found it helped to talk to people going through the same thing or had been through it before and found happiness after.... So keep posting and supporting each other

If you feel like contacting him, write it in your phone notes. Write him letters if it helps just don't send them. I found it helped me process my thoughts.

I got so angry with myself because my mind was constantly giving me a highlight reel of all our best memories and it kills you but you can't stop it. Remember it's just your brain having lost its source of dopamine... Just like if you go on a diet all you can think of is food. Try to do something that takes your mind off it, watch something/read something/take up an old hobby. It stops being constant after about 4/5 weeks....

Also that's when I went back to work. I was due back after 4 wks but on the day I was due back had to get another weeks note as I just wasn't ready. The next week I felt better though and got there. I told people I didn't want to talk about it and they were extra kind to me but I knew if anyone mentioned it I'd cry and I wanted to try and be strong at that point. Going back to work really helped me gain some normality and purpose again. As much as having time off initially was essential(!!!).. Id definitely recommend going back as soon as you feel ready, it helped a lot.

Just a little end thing so it doesn't surprise you if it happens. I lost 2 stone over 6 weeks because I barely ate, I didn't take my vitamins, didn't sleep. Just when I was starting to feel a bit better exactly 12 weeks on, I started loosing clumps of my hair. I rang my doctor and she said my body was so traumatised by what happened that it had shocked my hair into not going into its next cycle. It came out in clumps when I washed / brushed for 3 month and then just as fast as it started it stopped when my hair went into its next cycle.

A good book is its called a break up because its broken. It took me a while to be able to read it though as I didn't want to accept what was happening.

I'm just going to keep being strong and try to move forward. Really appreciate your replies, they made me cry a bit. It definitely helped to get it written down so thank you for reading

 

[Imonlyme]

That’s extremely harsh and not fair. Long distance relationships are just as real and valid as any kind of relationship. Just because you don’t deem them so doesn’t make it true.

Exactly. I had friends who once said a relationship I was in wasn't real because we didn't live together, share finances or have children with each other. It's very condescending not to mention rude.

It's amazing how many women think for it to be real you have to have a ring on your finger. Or you have to completely uproot your life to become a "we" If this couple chose to do long distance, then that's up to them. They did what worked for them and every couple is different. What works for one, may not work for another and that's fine. Doesn't make it any less real.

Just to add to this; every relationship is different and unique in it's own way. There isn't a one size fits all for it. As long as the love, trust and respect is there, then every couple has the right to decide their own terms and design their relationship how they see fit. No one has the right to then say it's not real just because theirs is different to how you would do it.

 

[Imonlyme]

Echoing everything you said. I read through this entire topic and I notice a pattern of lack of self-respect. I understand I don't know any of your relationships and situations (especially when the topic is marriage), but a lot of times we put up with things because of love and time and the existing connection. Often you will hear "everything was perfect besides this!" but was it? Or was it just what you knew to be good or common? The time you put in the relationship isn't wasted, it starts being wasted the moment you end your grieving and begin holding out for someone not willing to hold out on leaving you and communicate what they feel first. You would never put someone else through that, especially someone you care about, so why are you willing to do it to yourself?

No matter how much you love your partner, love yourself more.

Love this so much!

When people say "oh, but everything was perfect besides this" I just think, sure it was. First off, no relationship is perfect because perfection doesn't exist. We are human and humans have flaws and we make mistakes, but there's just some mistakes that should not be forgiven or glossed over. I've said it before, but people don't just up and leave a relationship for no reason if everything is so perfect.

Obviously, every relationship is different and people reserve the right to make their own rules and shouldn't be forced to stick to tradition. But in every relationship, no matter how old or how new, wether married or just co-habiting, there should be trust, respect, support and loyalty. If even one of those things are missing then I'm sorry, but the relationship is ultimately doomed and you need to head for the door and fast.

A relationship simply cannot survive without those foundations.

 

[LinaLamont]

Breakups are horrendous and the grief you feel after can be unbearable, especially when the guy just cuts you off like you meant nothing. I get where the poster talking about real relationships is coming from however it wasn’t very sensitively put. It’s much easier to not be fully honest or committed when you’re in a LDR or portray everything is being perfect because you don’t deal with the mundane day to day issues that come with a ‘normal’ relationship. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real for OP or that she shouldn’t be heartbroken. As for the ex, he clearly wasn’t the person you thought he was if he was able to cut you off so easily and then reply weeks later not to give you an explanation but share memes and talk about the kids? How incredibly flippant and disrespectful. It’s an absolute piss take tbqh. OP my advice is to draw a line under it because you’re never going to get the answers you want - his actions should be closure enough - and try to move on. You deserve so much better than to be treated like this.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

This is something I’ve realised in my own situation in the past few days (mine isn’t religion related though) - but I just wish my husband would’ve actually be open and honest with what the problems were, and left with 100% certainty of what he wanted going forward. We shouldn’t be blamed for their uncertainty and definitely don’t deserve the manipulation x

I think though that the fact that he didn’t/hasn’t is enough. The actions give you the answer, you can’t wait around waiting for the explanation that may never come and even if it ever did, it won’t change the outcome. There’s way too many great women on this thread and in life that are just putting all the power & control in the hands of men who just treat them poorly. Men who leave or who check out of a relationship and move on in a heartbeat while the ladies spend months/years going over every detail and trying to make sense out of it when sometimes it’s not possible to do so. Sometimes it’s just shit, and you have to just move on yknow. Because what’s the alternative, really?

 

[ProphecyGirl]

My post really wasn't aimed at anyone, it was just how I dealt with it. I was 17-25 and he was all I knew, I didn't go out or have friends or a personality as I thought I had to please him through the emotional abuse he put me through so it was honestly just about how I coped with it

I am sorry for what you're going through and if you thought it was aimed at you. I really do hope you find happiness @LateG0ssiper

 

[gigi_93]

Gigi I've come over from the truffalo thread.

I didn't comment on there but I am in the throws too. My engagement ended 3 weeks ago now and I am in that shit stage of not being able to sleep, dreaming every fucking night about him and just adjusting to what feels like a death. Speaking every day, seeing that person every single day to nothing, no contact, nothing, is life altering.

It's awful but time will heal I am sure.

I’m so sorry You hit the nail on the head, it feels like a bereavement doesn’t it? Just full on grief. I wasn’t “officially” engaged but we were going to get married when I finally got back to the US. We nearly got married the last time I was there and the regret of not doing is is killing me. You’re right, it’s life altering. I keep picking up my phone expecting to see a message from him. Sending you lots of love

 

[LateG0ssiper]

We’ve exchanged a few texts with just memes and stuff. It’s really weird. One because I’m not used to using iMessage with him and two because he’s not really talking about anything and taking ages to reply. Why say we can talk and then not talk? it’s just giving me anxiety

That's frustrating. If I were you I'd either insist on a proper conversation or not communicate at all. What he's done is so wrong and you're owed an apology at the very least. Hope you're doing OK x

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Every serious relationship I have had, I have always had a memory box for each one. All the little bits and pieces go in there, theatre tickets, cinema tickets, shells, stones he gave me, trinkets of all sorts, notes left on the fridge...all of those sentimental things which I cherished at the time.

I recently moved house and of course all of the memory boxes came with me. Some were a pleasure to dip into and see what I kept, others had sour memories, but I still kept them all the same.

But the beauty is now is that I’m over the other side of each of them. They are just memories now, they cannot hurt me anymore, but I can look back with fondness of some of them, angst and regret at others too.

When I’ve popped my clogs, my relatives can sift through them and either have a good laugh, or blush!

Just wanted to say to all of you going through break-ups, those feelings won’t last forever, even though at the moment you’re tearing yourselves apart with looking at what he’s doing, asking yourselves why, etc.

You can do it though, it might take a year, or longer, but you will come out the other side and you’ll be all the stronger for it.