Friends (or lack of)

[Ladya31]

I can relate so much to this thread. At school I only really had 1 good friend but as we got older I realised she was quite toxic and wasn’t good for me so my fiancé is my only really friend. I was fine with it until we got engaged and the emphasis of the lack of friends I have was heightened when we were planning the wedding and I realised I’d have 0 friends at my wedding. We are doing a very intimate affair anyway but nonetheless I won’t have the hen night like every other female and it’s quite embarrassing to admit.

I’ve always struggled to make and maintain friendships and I was envious of people who could make friends at school and still be best friends 10/15 years later. It’s had me doubting so many times if there’s something deeper wrong with me that I struggle socially like that.

I do enjoy my own space and for the most part it doesn’t bother me but as I go further into adulthood, marriage, children etc there won’t be friends around me at those times or even just having friends to big you up on your social media posts

 

[frillylilly]

Just popping in to say that I echo many of the experiences already on this thread.

I turned 30 recently and as I'm getting older I realise more and more what true friendships would mean to me and I really long for them.

I think as a teenager I was boy crazy and always prioritised boys over my friends -my friends at the time, quite rightly, got fed up of that.

After uni I struggled with depression for a few years and my friendship group drifted away again.

Since then I have really struggled to meet new people - it feels like everyone already has their friends!

As a result, I think I have become over-reliant on boyfriends for friendship, which is something that has never ended well but is a hard cycle to get out of.

I've felt it even more during lockdown because everyone is talking about doing zooms or walks with their mates and I'm just like, er....

 

[Glitter_shine]

Just popping in to say that I echo many of the experiences already on this thread.

I turned 30 recently and as I'm getting older I realise more and more what true friendships would mean to me and I really long for them.

I think as a teenager I was boy crazy and always prioritised boys over my friends -my friends at the time, quite rightly, got fed up of that.

After uni I struggled with depression for a few years and my friendship group drifted away again.

Since then I have really struggled to meet new people - it feels like everyone already has their friends!

As a result, I think I have become over-reliant on boyfriends for friendship, which is something that has never ended well but is a hard cycle to get out of.

I've felt it even more during lockdown because everyone is talking about doing zooms or walks with their mates and I'm just like, er....

It hit me when I was 30 when I saw people my age having a big doo and I wanted to make mine a thing but I think it goes back to how I view social media that everyone has a better life than me . I’m almost 32 now, I always thought new friends would come when you have kids and new mum friends, kids school friends etc. I don’t have kids though and they aren’t necessarily in my plan anymore so no new friends on the horizon ha

Like others have said I think it’s milestones, weddings etc that really make you feel you are missing out. I always say to my fella does it bother you I don’t have mates and I always feel paranoid going out with them like Its because i have no mates. It’s not often I do as I mentioned in my comment earlier one of the lads gfs asked me one where my friends were. Not that they would ever mix but still I was taken back. she is a right one anyway to be fair.

I think more people are like us they are just afraid of being on there own so have friends for the wrong reasons not like the quality relationships we think we are missing out on, if that makes sense? I dunno maybe I am jaded but I don’t think that many friendships are genuine.

Once I did sign up for a ‘speed mating’ I didn’t go in the end but I still love the concept. I live in Manchester and it was advertised as an event to make friends, as adults don’t make new friends often and people move to new places etc. When lockdown is all over maybe I’ll go and give it a whirl and just get over how awkward I think it may be. Once I’ve had a drink or two I think it will be quite fun as everyone is there for the same reason.

 

[frillylilly]

It hit me when I was 30 when I saw people my age having a big doo and I seemed to make mine a thing but I think it goes back to how I view social media that everyone has a better life than me.I’m almost 32 now, I always thought new friends would come when you have kids and new mum friends, school friends etc. I don’t have kids though and they are necessarily in my plan anymore.

Like others have said I think it’s milestones, weddings etc that really make you feel you are missing out. I always say to my fella does it bother you I don’t have mates and I always feel paranoid going out with them like Its because i have no mates. It’s not often I do as I mentioned in my comment earlier one of the lads gfs asked me one where my friends were. Not that they would ever mix but still I was taken back. she is a right one anyway to be fair.

I think more people are like us they are just afraid of being on there own so have friends for the wrong reasons not like the quality relationships we think we are missing out on, if that makes sense? I dunno maybe I am jaded but I don’t think that many friendships are genuine.

I definitely felt that my ex was just friends with people for the sake of it - he seemed intent on collecting friends but didn't seem to like many/any of them?

 

[judgejohndeed]

I just read this and I found it really interesting that several people who I see around Tattle a lot and think I'd love to be their friend have posted here!
I'm in a weird position where I do actually have quite a few friends but I struggle to maintain them? I'm fine talking on Whatsapp etc but find it a struggle face to face...I get very drained by other people quickly and often just want to go home, it gets very annoying as once I'm like 'ok I want to leave now' I can't unthink it. I call it 'getting peopled out'

 

[frillylilly]

I just read this and I found it really interesting that several people who I see around Tattle a lot and think I'd love to be their friend have posted here!
I'm in a weird position where I do actually have quite a few friends but I struggle to maintain them? I'm fine talking on Whatsapp etc but find it a struggle face to face...I get very drained by other people quickly and often just want to go home, it gets very annoying as once I'm like 'ok I want to leave now' I can't unthink it. I call it 'getting peopled out'

Can totally relate to this - I'm also not mad on 'big nights out' which I think has done me a dis-service over the last few years


I really struggle with not thinking there is something wrong with me and that's the reason I don't have friends!

 

[Walnutss]

I just read this and I found it really interesting that several people who I see around Tattle a lot and think I'd love to be their friend have posted here!
I'm in a weird position where I do actually have quite a few friends but I struggle to maintain them? I'm fine talking on Whatsapp etc but find it a struggle face to face...I get very drained by other people quickly and often just want to go home, it gets very annoying as once I'm like 'ok I want to leave now' I can't unthink it. I call it 'getting peopled out'

I find this too! I'm really busy! Not in a wanky way let's just say I have a few responsibilities that dont leave alot of time for socializing I would rather chat on whatsapp meet up once in a while than have big nights out etc I find all that and the getting ready for that so exhausting!

 

[judgejohndeed]

Can totally relate to this - I'm also not mad on 'big nights out' which I think has done me a dis-service over the last few years


I really struggle with not thinking there is something wrong with me and that's the reason I don't have friends!

Totally the same for me, I've lost quite a lot of friends who only ever want to do 'day drinking' and go on nights out which I don't enjoy (not a big drinker). It's a shame when people won't do something without alcohol, I much prefer a coffee or a brunch or something!

I find this too! I'm really busy! Not in a wanky way let's just say I have a few responsibilities that dont leave alot of time for socializing I would rather chat on whatsapp meet up once in a while than have big nights out etc I find all that and the getting ready for that so exhausting!

I definitely prefer meeting up every so often so that you can catch up and have things to talk about. Otherwise I feel like it always ends up getting strained!

 

[Glitter_shine]

I definitely felt that my ex was just friends with people for the sake of it - he seemed intent on collecting friends but didn't seem to like many/any of them?

It it so weird! A girl at my work tells me what I think are horror stories about nights out and what ‘friends’ have said to her and honestly they are just mean hurtful comments but when I say ‘why are you friends with its people like that’ It’s just a oh it’s the way she is, I’m used to it now. I couldn’t be having someone like that using me to make them feel better

 

[ChloChlo]

I think more people are like us they are just afraid of being on there own so have friends for the wrong reasons not like the quality relationships we think we are missing out on, if that makes sense? I dunno maybe I am jaded but I don’t think that many friendships are genuine.

You are very right, alot aren't. I think many are out of convenience or fear of being in their own company. Most of the people I have got to know along the way seem very close and pally with others but very often out of earshot, will turn and slag off the person they had just been appearing to "enjoy" spending time with and it has made me wonder what they must say about myself. I've seen it so often for it not to be a coincidence.

 

[Bobbleowl90]

I feel like I can relate to so many of these messages here.

I’ve never had any proper friends I don’t think. I got involved with toxic people in secondary school. They used to bully me and because I had nobody else to go, I stuck with them. They would pick at my appearance and make jokes, calling me names but pretending it wasn’t about me. I was a bit of a nerd and kept a diary at the time and would write it all down in my diary. We had a sleepover for my 13th birthday and they found my diary and all hid in my bathroom - “planning a surprise” whilst I sat in my room alone. Turns out they were reading it. For weeks after, they would leave me out and snigger. Everyone in school knew what had happened except for me and eventually one day some random girl told me. I was mortified. I just didn’t speak to them and would sit in the library by myself. I was so, so lonely.

I broke down in tears one day and one of them asked me what was wrong. We somehow made friends. Then a few years later they had all planned a weekend to the cinema and a sleepover and were very openly talking about, but hadn’t invited me. I felt so stupid. This friendship lasted til I was around 25 when I had had enough.

I am blocked on all social media by them now and vice versa. I really do hate them.

I’ve got two close friends now but the same thing is happening again. I think my confidence is shattered from when I was younger and I don’t speak up for myself.

My friends now can go days without speaking to me but plan trips together. I’ve spent countless evenings crying over it and I’m 31. It’s ridiculous.

I’ve just had my maternity leave and was so looking forward to meeting other mums but covid spoilt that. I do hope that I meet new people one day but I have no idea how! My closest friends are probably my work colleagues and my husband is definitely my best friend. I do get sad about it.

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

I can relate to everything you all have said.
My fiance is enough for me though, and my children.
I sometimes think I'd like friends, but it's a lot of extra hassle aswell and I've been stung a lot in the past. I just cba with it now I reckon.

 

[~vix~83~]

It’s better to have quality over quantity. I’ve got a handful of friends
And this year I’ve seen my true friends. Was never popular at school. I’m a people pleaser so that might be my problem.
I’ve got lovely neighbours but they are all old enough to be my mum.
When I see people post on sm that they have been sent flowers by friends. I wish i
Got that sometimes, but then I’m the one who
Would send flowers.
I’m my husband’s full time carer so I don’t work. So it’s just us most the time.
My one friend who has been there during lockdown has been amazing and we’ve kept in touch gone on walks, been shoppin for each other. She gets my life where’s a lot don’t understand I can’t just do stuff at the drop
Of a hat, it needs
To be planned round my Husbands needs.

 

[Barbie2020]

I feel like I can relate to so many of these messages here.

I’ve never had any proper friends I don’t think. I got involved with toxic people in secondary school. They used to bully me and because I had nobody else to go, I stuck with them. They would pick at my appearance and make jokes, calling me names but pretending it wasn’t about me. I was a bit of a nerd and kept a diary at the time and would write it all down in my diary. We had a sleepover for my 13th birthday and they found my diary and all hid in my bathroom - “planning a surprise” whilst I sat in my room alone. Turns out they were reading it. For weeks after, they would leave me out and snigger. Everyone in school knew what had happened except for me and eventually one day some random girl told me. I was mortified. I just didn’t speak to them and would sit in the library by myself. I was so, so lonely.

I broke down in tears one day and one of them asked me what was wrong. We somehow made friends. Then a few years later they had all planned a weekend to the cinema and a sleepover and were very openly talking about, but hadn’t invited me. I felt so stupid. This friendship lasted til I was around 25 when I had had enough.

I am blocked on all social media by them now and vice versa. I really do hate them.

I’ve got two close friends now but the same thing is happening again. I think my confidence is shattered from when I was younger and I don’t speak up for myself.

My friends now can go days without speaking to me but plan trips together. I’ve spent countless evenings crying over it and I’m 31. It’s ridiculous.

I’ve just had my maternity leave and was so looking forward to meeting other mums but covid spoilt that. I do hope that I meet new people one day but I have no idea how! My closest friends are probably my work colleagues and my husband is definitely my best friend. I do get sad about it.

Your “friends” sound like awful people and you deserve better. I’ve cut a friend off who never had time to see or speak to me but then would be all over social media sharing her plans with friends and speaking to them all the time. It made me feel tit constantly and I didn’t need that.

You deserve better enjoy your baby and partner. Friends are over rated sometimes.

 

[Bobbleowl90]

Your “friends” sound like awful people and you deserve better. I’ve cut a friend off who never had time to see or speak to me but then would be all over social media sharing her plans with friends and speaking to them all the time. It made me feel tit constantly and I didn’t need that.

You deserve better enjoy your baby and partner. Friends are over rated sometimes.

that’s exactly what my friend is doing now. She will reply to me after a few days and say how busy she’s been meeting so and so. I have no idea why she’s started to do it to me I just wish I had that set of girlfriends to go for drinks with etc.

 

[Platformcrocs]

I'm glad I found this thread. It's tough isn't it? Of course I see other friend groups doing stuff and feel jealous because I've never had a huge circle of friends. I noticed a few people mention their bridal parties and completely relate - I've got a very small family and my partner has a huge family (something like 40+ cousins, and the cousins have got kids.. Yup) and I think one reason I'm hesitant about marriage is because I'm not sure who I'd even invite to the wedding. How bad is that?! It sounds ridiculous but it's always on my mind.

Life happens, I guess. My two oldest friends had a big fall out years ago and never made up, and I was out in the middle. Another close friend went travelling in her early 20s and just never came back, we tried to stay in touch but just fell out of contact. Another friend is in an abusive relationship and I feel uncomfortable messaging her because he goes through her phone. I really miss her and wish I could see her more. But he doesn't allow it. I made a great friend at work but I've left that job and so has she, and she moved to another city. I know people say that you'll make time for people who matter but it just feels like you have stuff like this constantly in the way.

Don't get me wrong, I have people I talk to and I get on well with my partner's friends. It's OK. But I wish I had a couple of great friends I could hang out with and do things with.

 

[ClockworkDolly]

I feel like I can relate to so many of these messages here.

I’ve never had any proper friends I don’t think. I got involved with toxic people in secondary school. They used to bully me and because I had nobody else to go, I stuck with them. They would pick at my appearance and make jokes, calling me names but pretending it wasn’t about me. I was a bit of a nerd and kept a diary at the time and would write it all down in my diary. We had a sleepover for my 13th birthday and they found my diary and all hid in my bathroom - “planning a surprise” whilst I sat in my room alone. Turns out they were reading it. For weeks after, they would leave me out and snigger. Everyone in school knew what had happened except for me and eventually one day some random girl told me. I was mortified. I just didn’t speak to them and would sit in the library by myself. I was so, so lonely.

I broke down in tears one day and one of them asked me what was wrong. We somehow made friends. Then a few years later they had all planned a weekend to the cinema and a sleepover and were very openly talking about, but hadn’t invited me. I felt so stupid. This friendship lasted til I was around 25 when I had had enough.

I am blocked on all social media by them now and vice versa. I really do hate them.

I’ve got two close friends now but the same thing is happening again. I think my confidence is shattered from when I was younger and I don’t speak up for myself.

My friends now can go days without speaking to me but plan trips together. I’ve spent countless evenings crying over it and I’m 31. It’s ridiculous.

I’ve just had my maternity leave and was so looking forward to meeting other mums but covid spoilt that. I do hope that I meet new people one day but I have no idea how! My closest friends are probably my work colleagues and my husband is definitely my best friend. I do get sad about it.

Oh god, your story is so similar to mine. I grew up with bullying ‘friends’ but because I had nobody else, I just accepted their behaviour. Accepted the crumbs of their friendship.

I think it has really affected my ability to maintain friendships throughout my whole life. I have always found difficulty with friendships, yet, I’m chatty and outgoing. Often when people meet me for the first time they are surprised I don’t have an army of friends.

I think as I have got older, I have lost the will to make new friendships. I spend the majority of my time by myself, even before lockdown. Thank goodness for the internet though, it makes being lonely much easier.

I hope you get to meet other Mums once lockdown is over. I’m sure there are other Mums out there feeling the same way.

Good luck.

 

[Sickofinfluencers2020]

I’m in the same boat as a lot of you. I dont have any friends and it feels weird to actually write that down for the first time but to be honest I couldn’t care less. I have my family, my partner, my hobbies and that is all I need. I am happy and content.

Every now and then social scenarios pop into my head and I have a tiny panic like “oh god if i ever got married everyone would find out i’m a billy-no-mates” but then I remind myself - who gives a monkeys? Who needs them?

I had a lot of friends in junior school and at the start of high school but i’d say in the last 2 years of high school I only had a couple of friends. Everyone in my school was a chav anyway as were the few friends I had at school so I never found ~my people~ who shared the same interests as me. I havent spoken to my school friends in about 15 years, we lost touch shortly after leaving school.

When I was around 15/16 everyone in my year at that point were obsessed with house parties and underage drinking which was not my cup of tea as I have always been a bit of a home body anyway and have always enjoyed being at home. I am quite shy and introverted now. I wish I wasnt and I do regret not socialising much when I was at that age because I have missed out on friendship building/ socialising. Years of staying indoors with no friends has turned me into a shell that I find extremely difficult to come out of when socialising with people now. I’m always worried I come across as weird/awkward/shy as I hate talking about myself and worry people will find me boring.

My siblings have lots of friends and large social circles so I’m often left thinking “whats wrong with me? Why dont I have big social groups too” but then I am reminded of the above.

I now work with a lot of older people and so i dont have any friends at work either. I have kept in touch with a couple of colleagues who have retired but whenever we do talk it is just about work :/

Every now and then i wonder if i should join facebook to try and get back into contact with a couple of people from school but I have never bothered because they would see that i dont have any other friends and then again they never bothered to stay in contact with me so why should I?

Social media does not help as everyone now views it as a popularity contest and everyone is comparing themselves with others wanting what the other person has got.

I have my family, partner, my own hobbies that I enjoy. I live a normal, quite and happy life. That is all I need. As long as you are happy and content that is all that matters.

 

[Lady Macbeth]

I’m in my 60s and I really find “friends” such hard work sometimes. I feel hurt when I make an effort with some friends and it’s never reciprocated. I prefer solitude and quiet. My job is super demanding and I just love being on my own.

 

[ChloChlo]

Weddings are a milestone of being upset about it. So are birthdays. My 21st birthday was a month after my first wedding, my ex husband discussed throwing me some 21st birthday party in a hall. I had hidden from him I had no friends at that stage - making out they were always busy or lived far away. It was an embarrassing thing to admit to when I was that young. After it being the elephant in the room when we were planning our wedding where I had earlier stated we scrapped seating arrangements over the lack of people I was inviting, he never mentioned it again. It was horrible enough I had a small fragmented family, ones who wouldn't attend the wedding, if other members did and so forth. While he came from this huge, loving family where both his mum and dad were from 10+ sibling families.

I did feel very jealous at the time. I had no real interest in getting to know his large established friendship group, I felt an outsider - they all appeared to be a group of lads from the same neighbourhood who stayed close and a majority of them were married to girls from other areas like myself. I remember a couple of their wives/girlfriends offered to do my hair and nails free of charge and in hindsight, after learning people skills, they were definitely doing this to get to know me and include me. But I sat there answering their questions in monotonal one worded answers and treated them like appointments I was obliged to attend rather than a branch of friendship, it was no wonder why they stopped pursuing. It was rude of me looking back, but it was because of my lack of people/social skills as I had spent my teen years with no friends. Planning our wedding, one of his friends wives worked for a high street jeweller and told my ex husband she wanted take me out for a coffee and look at some rings - it was so foreign to me for someone to offer friendship like this I saw it as an inconvenience and was totally rude about it!