Honestly, therapy. Therapy to help me realise how serious losing my mum was. I was young when it happened and as I became older I built this fortress around it where I could talk about it without much emotion and told myself that although it was tragic it didn’t effect me too much.
The fact that I didn’t allow myself to get too close to my own daughter in her first year on this Earth? Nope. That had nothing to do with being scared of leaving her. The fact that I worry constantly about people in my family dying and if they don’t answer the phone straightaway I would assume they were dead? Nope. Completely normal. The fact that I used to spend a good portion of my time worrying that my daughter would die? Nope. Nothing to do with my mum.
Therapy actually drummed into me that it’s ok that it hurts. That I am a disaster planner and that I sometimes need to stop imagining all the worst case scenarios but also that it’s natural that I do because what is the worst thing a child can imagine? Losing their mother usually. And the worst thing did happen to me, so why shouldn’t it happen again? I had to always feel constantly prepared for EVERYTHING and that was exhausting.
Therapy also helped me realise that my mother loved me and it wasn’t a choice she made. It was also not my fault, that I wasn’t a “bad” child which I had believed for a long time. It helped me to grieve for her a second time, but this time more healthily. It helped me to speak to her sisters (my aunts) about her instead of just never talking about her and find out more about her as an adult and what she was like, without the last few months of her life hanging over me.
Last year I became older than my mum when she died. That was a weird one. But it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could never imagine being older than her. I felt certain I would die somehow too. But I didn’t. I’m still here.
What about you? How have you coped?
Thank you so much for sharing
that really resonates with me.
I lost my brother when I was 12 and I know this may sound odd but I was closer to him than my parents although I loved them, but they were extremely strict/controlling and had quite narcissistic traits, which I didn’t realise until much later in life when I eventually got counselling.
I didn’t know my brother was dying so it came as such a shock and the day he left this world my childhood ended. As a child you don’t really give death a thought, I don’t think it even entered my head as a child that children die as daft as it sounds. My dad never spoke about my brother again after he died and my mother was devastated understandably, so I kept my feelings to myself.
I also find it difficult not to think the worst and like you worry about something happening to my girls/loved ones, I don’t think that will ever change.
Life can be so wonderful but also absolutely shite and bring up so many emotions, even guilt that I’m here and my brother didn’t get that chance, he really was the most beautiful person inside and out, he was so positive and loved life. There are so many things I would love to share with him especially my girls. I don’t have any siblings and left home at 16 so I’ve muddled my way through life but I think I’ve finally found some peace within.
I know it‘s such a difficult time for many for various reasons and the cost of living crisis and covid has added even more to peoples stress/anxiety/struggle, so sending love and hugs to anyone that needs it
xx
just passing by but couldn't not say Hi to all the lovely people here from the NB threads. You're all amazing, supportive ladies, hugs to you all xxx
