TW - sexual assault/eating disorder
I hope I’m ok to post here, I just need to offload, I’ll try and keep it as short as I possibly can.
So basically, I’ve been with my partner for a few years now, and we have recently welcomed our baby girl.
She’s our first baby together, but I have 3 older children from my first marriage and he has 1 child from his first marriage.
Looking back, there were a fair few red flags when we first got together, but I chose to overlook them (as you do),
The biggest red flag for me was that he repeatedly cheated on his ex wife for the whole 16 years that they were together (he has been completely open about this, and she still has no idea to this day), he also pressured me into having sex with him by crying constantly (even though I was still recovering from being chronically sexually assaulted by my ex husband).
There was other stuff too, like not really being there for his young son, and lying to his ex wife to get out of looking after him.
Anyway, I guess I could say that I was love-bombed in the beginning, and as I was very vulnerable at the time (still recovering from my abusive marriage), I stupidly ignored the red flags and fell for him.
In the time that we’ve been together, he has hurt me multiple times (insulted my weight despite knowing that I’ve struggled with an ED), lied to me about another woman which I’m pretty sure he’s cheated on me with, and criticised me as a parent.
He is very critical of my children and never has anything nice to say about them, it’s like he uses anything as an excuse to moan about them.
His son has learning difficulties, and my partner is very inconsistent with him, doesn’t make the effort to engage with him, and is slack with the boundaries that he so desperately craves.
It feels that 99% of the time, it is me having to constantly “parent” his son, and it is just exhausting.
Our baby was very much planned and wanted, but during the pregnancy, my partner became very unsupportive (physically and emotionally), and I spent the majority of it mentally struggling (so much so that I was referred to Let’s Talk). He used to gaslight me by saying it was my hormones and that I was imagining it (regarding his unsupportive attitude).
During my labour and birth, he was equally unsupportive and I don’t remember him once holding my hand or being nice to me, and after our baby was born the only thing he kept telling people about, was the “funny” things that i apparently kept shouting out when I was on gas and air.
There was no praise from him or admiration,
all he did was laugh about me.
For the first week that our baby was here, he was very helpful and supportive, but after that, he was back out 3-4 times a week doing social stuff and sports “commitments”, and I was left to manage with a newborn, plus my other 3 kids, and I’ve had to look after his son whilst he’s been out, who due to his LD has complex needs and behaviour, and it’s hard work.
He rarely contributes financially and offers very little practical help with the baby (I’m breastfeeding, but he could still offer to do other things).
I suffered a painful birth injury, and yesterday (after putting it off for months) I finally saw my doctor about it, my partner begrudgingly came along with me and he could see how anxious I was beforehand, not just because I knew the examination would hurt, but because it would be triggering due to my previous sexual abuse from my ex. Whilst I had the examination, I was crying out in pain (it was just as bad as I though it would be), and my partner just sat there (didn’t hold my hand or anything), and afterwards he didn’t even ask me if was ok or gave me a hug.
This has been the last straw for me and I’m so hurt by it all. I can feel myself getting more and more depressed, and I’m so anxious that I feel sick.
When I’ve tried to speak to him about his behaviour and how he makes me feel, he never takes any accountability and will always deflect.
He just says stuff like “well, I’m a man, I don’t know I’m doing this stuff”
.
I know how pathetic I sound writing all of this down, I’m actually an intelligent person and I just feel so stupid that I’ve let a man treat me like this.
I thought I had found Mr Right after my awful ex husband, but it just seems that I’ve gone from one toxic relationship to another.
I love my new baby so much, she’s beautiful and not for a second do I ever regret having her , I just feel so sad that I’ve brought her into these circumstances and that she’s unlikely to grow up with a decent father.
I almost feel like I’m loving her for both of us, and I vow to give her the best childhood despite her likely to be growing up with separated parents.
I haven’t spoken to him about wanting to end it, I haven’t plucked up the courage to yet. He says he loves me more than anything, but I’m not sure if he will ever have the emotional capacity to step-up, even if I give him an ultimatum.
Im terrified of being single, as I’ve always had to “rely” on a man, but being single and alone, has got to be better than this
.
Deep down, I already feel alone anyway, I feel like a single mum -as he’s living the single man life.
I know I shouldn’t care what other people think either, but I’m terrified of people judging me and all of the “told you so’s”…
I’m so sorry this is a long post!!, thanks for reading of you got this far xx
@Elliesmum13 Please let us know if there’s any way we can help you, you deserve it xx
if you ever feel like you need on the spot help but don't feel ready for a full on talk (or because its either late at night or early hours of the morning) there's a text chat helpline called Shout that you can literally post your message with whatevers worrying you and a professional (real person with training) will text you back with advice and they keep texting/chatting with you until you feel ready to end the conversation,
….but are you making sure you‘re getting enough nutrients if your anorexia is coming back my lovely. I only say that because if you are depleted that will make stress and anxiety so much worse. And I just wondered if you weren’t already doing that it might help if you could take a multivitamin. I know to some it will sound 
shit crazy but it’s really important for your mental wellbeing as well as your physical health and stress depletes nutrients further, so building those back up can help make a difference. xx