Food and Drink #37 Happy New Year

[stunrw]

This is massively but at one of my first smears, my minge broke the speculum (plastic) it was pre childbirth so before my pelvic floor muscles had been destroyed. It wasn't the best, having the nurse peering up there looking for a piece of plastic and muttering "that's never happened before"

This sounds like a Jackanory but I promise it's true.

Just nearly died laughing reading these

 

[Lazarus]

My first smear was so appalling I refused to have another one for 20 years (note to any cervical smear nurses reading this, slapping someone's leg and telling them to relax is not conducive to the patient actually relaxing, just FYI), so there's plenty of scope for drama there.

Two smears ago, the nurse (proper Scouse accent to make it even funnier) said to me
“You’re tight as a drum, hun”

 

[Salmonshirt]

At my first one the nurse looked up my fanny and said "Hello, where are you hiding?". I have no idea who she was talking to but was quite relieved when they didn't reply.

At a smear the nurse told me ‘it all looks lovely down here’
TOOT TOOT!

 

[Fitnessqueen]

A few years ago I went for a smear and the nurse was one of my step class participants. I had to teach it that evening and I couldn't look her in the eye

On topic - is she back yet or is Wonk still spewing out pro-Jack tweets like someone possessed?

 

[stunrw]

At a smear the nurse told me ‘it all looks lovely down here’
TOOT TOOT!

 

[Clovis]

At a smear the nurse told me ‘it all looks lovely down here’
TOOT TOOT!

 

[waffle maker]

The GP at home in the UK used to give me a diazepam before a smear test as I hated them. Not a thing here in the Middle East, sadly, but they do have those chairs with leg positioned so it’s much easier.

Every time I see the word Boulevard in the chats I cringe again like the first time. I still can’t believe she posted that ‘sober’. Who was it *for*.

 

[ishant]

On my last smear the nurse threw the sample on the floor and had to scrape me again

 

[HotesTilaire]

He works in aviation, and has stayed with the same airline just swapped from long haul to short haul which has also meant a shift of bases. There is shortages across the industry so he probably could go back to long haul pretty easily.

I’m prone to heartburn anyway because I have a terrible diet , drink far too many fizzy drinks and when not pregnant, am an occasional smoker , but I’m very much looking forward to it not being 24/7 !!!

only a few weeks to go then I can swap my pregnancy insomnia for newborns insomnia

Oooh when are they hatching?

 

[EddieBeds]

‘Woah a big chicken nugget’ has had me

 

[Lurkeryaar]

Feeling very grateful for all the chuckles from you Fraus and the musical reimaginings on the MT, as feeling a bit traumatised at the mo. had my biopsy this morning and it all went a bit Pete tong and the nurse had to get out the drill. Cried a lot because it was so painful I've had probably nearly 15 since I was diagnosed and I think this may have been the worst! Getting drilled into your bones with not much pain relief feels exactly as you might imagine 🫠

 

[HotesTilaire]

If anyone wants a distraction here’s my go to. Slippers the cat brings a duck home.

Tom Holland dancing to Umbrella is also available

 

[Ouchyfingers]

I saw someone else say they got told they had a tilted cervix and I feel seen! My first one, “ooh you’re tilty aren’t you”. Um… thank you, maybe?

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

I saw someone else say they got told they had a tilted cervix and I feel seen! My first one, “ooh you’re tilty aren’t you”. Um… thank you, maybe?

Why do they have to be so bloody chirpy? Nobody's enjoying themselves here, no I don't want to look at it or have you describe it, let's get it done so we can all escape with a modicum of dignity, shall we?

 

[HotesTilaire]

I feel like a total banana coz I think it was a discussion somewhere on tattle the other week about your cervix looking a bit like a penis head which made me Google it and it does! I’d never really thought about it. We’re always being told it’s like a Y shape and shown a cross section diagram, I hadn't looked at one “head on”

 

[MavisBeacon]

I had a smear a few years back and the nurse poked me so hard my cervix twitched and sucked up the threads of my Mirena back into my uterus it was NOT fun getting that bad boy outta there when the time came to change it.
For my most recent smear i told the nurse about it and she was brilliant - best one I've ever had, and really made me realise how much of a difference technique and just taking the time to be gentle makes.

 

[emm]

If anyone wants a distraction here’s my go to. Slippers the cat brings a duck home.

Tom Holland dancing to Umbrella is also available

I have seen this so many times and it never fails to make me laugh. It is just the epitome of the chaos that comes with cat ownership ( i uae the word ownership pretty loosely), the fact that slippers just sits there nonplussed is hilarious (somehow the name makes it all even more hilarious )

 

[Fenella]

I’d never really thought about what a real cervix looks like (as opposed to a diagram) so just googled and wow, did not expect that!

 

[Hollaaa]

I had one and she said "ooh I've cut you and you've contaminated the sample", er no, I think *you* contaminated the sample.

Most recently and more cheerily, me and the nurse had matching stripey socks on .

 

[BubbleDuck]

Oooh when are they hatching?

Mid February. We are still making a decision about induction/planned birth because I was dead set against it, but it seems like it’s the standard for twin pregnancies, and it would have the advantage of mr D definitely being home for it. It would also guarantee avoiding then arriving on either Valentine’s Day or the anniversary of my mums death, which I know isn’t really a good enough reason but I’d hate to be born on a day that was either already a celebration day, or had significance to my family .

that said , I’ve been early with every other pregnancy so who knows. I am completely unprepared this time around . My hospital bag is only half packed , and I haven’t cleared space in the freezer to freeze my Tena lady !