Do I move on?

[LittleMy]

There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, but not with someone who is exclusive with someone else and because you are insecure and hung up on him after all these years. You have a child, why not focus on them?

 

[SqualorVictoria]

It's also worth pointing out that they were both single when she had a drunken kiss with his friend as what she and this guy had was just "a bit of fun". So they were both single at the same time, he could have made it official then but didn't. That's telling

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I've been the other woman three times. Once unknowingly and twice I knew - (no self esteem issues, I fancied the guy and wanted sex with him). If a guy is going to leave his partner he will pretty quickly. If he is finding reasons he's not going to leave no matter what he tells you. It is always going to be his partners fault, she has no sex drive, she has no time for him etc. If you are happy to be his part time partner then that's your choice but he's not going to give you much.

 

[Zenchick101]

I would imagine because she used to be at his beckoned call and reply instantly, without a response he probably started worrying she would blab.
Well done OP. Stay strong and we are all here x

this! he's acting like this : "But Muh TOy" *stomping feet* *tanthrum*

 

[WhatABore]

I am also slightly curious, you said you did something not good and he got into a relationship.
Obviously don't answer if you don't have to but I'm curious whether this thing you did was more him blaming you and making you feel guilty?

 

[Babyyoda88]

I've stayed away from him & ignored any attempts to speak to me. He went as far as messaging my brother to pass a message on to me which again, I ignored. He sent flowers to my home and posted a letter through my door. I've been really strong which I'm proud of. I miss him immensely but when I think about waiving, I read this thread again. Thank you for asking.

well done to you! It’s bloody easier said than done, but well done for choosing you!

 

[Zenchick101]

OP, not going to shit on you for hurting his gf, I think you realize that what you did was terrible. In your shoes I'd have told his gf because she deserves better too. Happy you blocked his ass, this was clearly a case of having his cake and eating it too, someone who really cares especially after that long would move his ass to be with you. I hope you find self-love and look for that special someone who won't treat you like an option.

 

[Sticky One]

I think if you block a number the caller then just gets a dead line as well? That may be totally wrong though!

Also if you block someone on your phone their photo disappears on what’s app too, maybe he noticed that too x

 

[Leita]

Be someone’s number one, not their “I can’t because....”

He has already choose. Not to have a life with you because..... why hang around when you can be someone’a no one

 

[petitspois]

I've been thinking about this all morning and it really saddens me that women who knowingly cheat with someone who has a partner don't just say "actually no, I value myself too much to be your bit on the side. I respect myself even though you don't". He gets to sleep in a bed with his partner and has his safe life with the mortgage and dog while still getting his ego boost and validation from you and undoubtedly others.

Me too. I think it comes down to envy - the 'other woman' wants what the wife or gf has, the relationship, the home etc......

 

[kadykal95]

What is your end goal in this? To be with him properly? If so, you've said you've never discussed him leaving his girlfriend?! I think thats very telling. If he hasn't mentioned leaving his girlfriend then how can you ever be together?

I don't think from previous replies that you will ever walk away from this situation without a resolution. So my advice would be to ask him outright what is going to happen and when. If he wants to be with you as badly as a he says he does then what is he going to do about it? When is he going to leave her?

How long can he string you along with excuses of mortgages and dogs? How long will you put up with it?

Hopefully you will get some answers xx

 

[Lulu Goss]

I've stayed away from him & ignored any attempts to speak to me. He went as far as messaging my brother to pass a message on to me which again, I ignored. He sent flowers to my home and posted a letter through my door. I've been really strong which I'm proud of. I miss him immensely but when I think about waiving, I read this thread again. Thank you for asking.

I read this thread when you first posted, so pleased to hear your update! Well done for staying strong x

 

[MaxieMoo]

The only reason I'm posting here is because it's anonymous and I am under no illusion that what I've done here is wrong but I really need advice.
I've been in a situation now for nearly 12 years. I started meeting up with a guy who was in the same friendship group as me, we started what was initially a bit of fun, slept together a few times etc then I did something not so great which rocked the boat and he ended up in a relationship with someone else. He was in this relationship for 3 years but was sleeping with me throughout. I then ended up in a relationship where we had a child together however this relationship was very toxic, manipulation, emotional and mental abuse aswell as financial abuse. I didn't cheat physically with this guy whilst in a relationship but for the duration this other guy was there for me emotionally throughout. His words and support actually gave me the courage to leave. He has always been the loveliest man, tells me im beautiful, how he will never be able to live his life happily without me, he tells me he loves me all whilst he's in a relationship with someone else. He has explained that his current relationship is more a situation of they have a mortgage together and a dog, they both have good jobs but its more like a friendship. I'm in love with this man. I know everyone says, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you but I honestly don't believe he would. To have been there for me for 12 years, and still here, even at times where I've completely pushed him away due to the affects my past relationship has had on me mentally, I've told him I hate him etc and he still doesn't leave, he knows that I don't mean it. He messaged me last night to say he will never be able to let me go, that whilst he knows what he's doing is wrong, im worth the risk, that I do things to him that no woman ever has and that he will love me forever. I know in my heart of hearts that we will probably never be together as he would lose a lot if his girlfriend was to find out but I have 2 options now, completely cut him off knowing how much I would hurt him or continue as we are. No man has ever made me feel as respected, supported or loved in my life and im in my mid thirties so that says something. Not to mention, the sex is incredible, I'm a larger lady with insecurities but he makes me feel so comfortable that they just go out the window when I'm with him. Thinking about him sleeping in bed with another woman every night breaks my heart. I don't know what to do for the best. Advice please ladies x

Sorry you are in this situation. I remember my first partner. We met when I was 16. I was so besotted with him. We were together until I turned 21. During our relationship I became aware that he was cheating. I was so in love with him that I turned a blind eye. It came to a head just before my 21st birthday. He told me he had got someone pregnant. I was devastated. Our relationship ended that day. I look back and to be honest I felt that I had wasted so many years on him. I couldn't imagine I would ever find anyone who I loved the way I loved him. Fortunately I did and 5 years later I met my husband. We have been together for 20 years. I think what I'm saying is that even if you feel you are unable to find this with someone else you definitely can. He seems to have the best of both worlds. You have the raw deal here. You deserve more than what you are getting. Losing the relationship may devastate you but please don't settle for this. Having a dog / cat / joint mortgage are excuses. Either way you are hurting and life is too short to live like this. Be strong and do what is best for YOU. Put yourself first in this situation. I know it's easy to say but you seem like a lovely person and you deserve to be happy x

 

[Zenchick101]

I've stayed away from him & ignored any attempts to speak to me. He went as far as messaging my brother to pass a message on to me which again, I ignored. He sent flowers to my home and posted a letter through my door. I've been really strong which I'm proud of. I miss him immensely but when I think about waiving, I read this thread again. Thank you for asking.

yeah good job! he's just perplexed at not having a side piece anymore

 

[LittleMy]

You should be proud of yourself for taking that step, and stick to your guns. It will be hard, but you deserve better than that.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Bin the note. Delete every single one of his messages/emails. Delete ever single photo you have of him. Get rid of any momentos or anything you have from him.

 

[2xblended]

Well done, OP! I know it's drastic but I'd suggest changing your number if he keeps ringing off a private or alternative number. He will try to step it up a gear, not because he loves you, but because he wants the ego stroking. And I would also guess a part of him is bricking it that you've just cut contact and is worried you'll reveal all to his GF and he wants reassurance. So if he pursues you, just remember it's for those reasons

SO true that he'll keep trying to reach out, just to regain control of the situation and manipulate you to coming back. That's textbook.
Also brilliant point about him worrying that you'll tell his GF.
Just stay strong and do consider changing your number for the peace of mind it will give you. It's a fresh start.

ve you anyone (a friend) who knows the situation who can be a rock for you right now?

Also great advice here. Please reach out to any friends or family (or a therapist) who can be a source of comfort and support. You're used to communicating with him everyday and having him be your emotional support system, so you'll likely feel his absence. Please reach out to a good friend so as not to run back to him.
And be warned, if you do go back to him, he'll punish you for this (with a guilt trip or by gaslighting you). Men of this type always do. Don't give him the opportunity. Please take care of yourself.

Edit: just noticed that others have posted similar points expressed much better than mine. Please take heed of the last few messages. There's good advice there in case he tries any of these tactics.
Conversely he may go completely cold on you as a way to punish you and make you miss him. Don't fall for the mind games. You don't deserve to have your emotions played with. You deserve respect and hopefully the next guy will be fully invested in you and treat you wonderfully.

 

[Welsh1]

please stop making excuses for him and stop trying to justify his behaviour.

are you listening to anything that we are all saying here?????

I was replying to a question someone asked. I was explaining that when I kissed his friend, he was actually single and had no ties to anyone hence we didn't speak for a while because he was upset. I am listening, I am very grateful for every piece of advice I've been given.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I agree with the above, it's not the OP's place to tell the girlfriend. It would only add further guilt. Her best bet is to focus on herself and getting over this cretin

 

[PennyLane321]

No one happy and well rounded purposely gets involved with attached people. Self esteem, arrogance, attention etc. Its a scummy move.

As someone who’s done it I fully agree. I’ve also been cheated on and it completely destroyed me but that was my karma. It made me realise what I could’ve inflicted on another person had she ever found out which thankfully she didn’t. We all have to learn hard lessons in life and take responsibility for our own actions.